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Saturday, April 18, 2009

I hate my life. I am miserable.
I want nothing more than to change all the things that bother me and though I try to remain hopeful, and usually do, I am powerless to do so. I can't make enough money to support my child, because I don't have the skills necessary to get a job that pays a "family wage". I haven't really even gained any useful knowledge from life. I didn't even attend high school. I almost finished a two year degree at a tech college, I liked college. I want to go back to school, but have NO help with my daughter, and thus I have no one to watch her while I attend classes. I don't even have anyone to pick her up for me if I'm late.

Most of the colleges that I have found do not have on site daycares that serve children over five. My daughter is six. She is currently maxed out in daycare hours just for me to go to work. I love my job, and there is nothing wrong with what I get paid, I got a great starting wage. The only problem is that I already have a family to support. When your career and family life aren't parallel, there are obvious issues. It isn't my boss's fault that I chose to have a child with someone who decided to disappear, offering little or no help at all. That's my fault, I know. I was very young when I chose him, and I actually didn't know that there were people out there who were any different from him, or I might have seen through him. I really thought his behavior was normal.

I don't have very many friends, the few that I do have really don't understand me at all. I don't mean that in a miscommunication sense, either, I mean they don't have the capacity to (in some ways, don't get me wrong, they're great people, but let's just say our gifts differ), and they don't appear to want to. As a result, I often feel like I don't have anyone I can *really* talk to. I'm not very close with my family, my family consists of mainly my mother and my sister. There isn't really anyone else that is close by (or open) enough to try. Visiting out of state costs more than I can spare, and saving up only works if you make enough to pay for what you need, as I understand it. My mother and my sister are at each other's throats each time they are near each other. Any time we are all together, I cannot be heard, because I *physically* cannot speak that loudly. I have my daughter, who I love dearly, and I am very close to, but this isn't her burden to carry.

New people, I often have trouble with, too. People don't like me. They tend to come to me when they're upset, but they don't want to know me, or talk to me, or anything else. I seem to be judged very quickly (before I even get a chance to open my mouth) when I meet people, and generally not positively. Most commonly, people decide that I'm boring or dumb. Other people's opinions are difficult to change, and if someone decides they hate you that quickly, do you really want to spend your time changing their mind? Apparently, I'm not scary, animals and children (especially babies) love me. People, on the other hand... I love people, and I genuinely care about them, but they don't seem to return that sentiment at all. Normal social situations, to me, look like a bunch of people trying really hard to fulfill various social roles. It feels very fake, like they are playing a part in a play. I hate fake. Anyway, since I have no one to watch my child, I'm limited to people who like children. It'd be easier, I'd guess, to try to spend time with someone else who has children, since there'd be a level of understanding not otherwise present. It'd be nice to be understood. I don't mean if people would understand what I say, that part isn't that hard, I can tailor what I say to the listener's needs, if I know who they are. I mean on a much deeper level.

I'm too old to have accomplished almost nothing.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Dilbert.com

I love you, too, you asshole.

Everyone treats me like utter garbage. Then they wonder why I am often so reclusive. Random strangers single me out to attack (alternatively, they ask me for advice). Angry people are drawn to me, and they bully me. Most people bully me, to some degree. It seems like they aim to pick me apart the moment they lay eyes on me (or ears, or my words in a forum, or whatever other form, to those of you who will take me literally).

I'm not weak, in fact, when I finally get mad in return, I am a force to be reckoned with. I can be a truly horrible person to be around once you've done something to anger me. It takes a whole hell of a lot to get there, though, since my usual response to the things other people do is, "well, I can see where you're coming from... I guess I understand". I get told that I'm boring a lot... That's a bit random, but so is the rest of this post.


I don't have low self esteem... If I did, I'd be bothered by my own company. In fact, I'm quite content with my own company. There's a sort of horror in dealing with the outside world. Paradoxically, I'm drawn to other people, and give them everything they ask. In the past, I have been a terrible judge of character... Or maybe more accurately, I knew I was with horrible people, but was determined to fix them. I convinced myself that it was possible, and stubbornly resisted reality, which very clearly displayed otherwise. I was superhuman, and love could save their mortal souls, if given correctly.



I am fervently drawn to help others. My first job was in food service, not because that's "what you do" (I never got that sort of thing), but because I saw it as an opportunity to help people. I could "fix" the hungry people I came in contact with. I could make their day just a little brighter. I loved that. I love making people smile, I love making people happy. All of the jobs that I have held, ever, have been service oriented, because I am.

Bottom line, I love me. I'm great. However, I'm drawn to make others happy, that is what makes me happy. To some degree. Solving a global issue like world hunger would make me much happier. Global issues are on my mind all the time, and are the majority of the subjects that I will discuss passionately. I am uncomfortable with anything that resembles an argument. I feels discordant. I am screwed up enough that I have, at times, let that desire, maybe the very core of what makes me the amazing person that I am, very nearly destroy me. I guess I kinda tend to do the same thing physically, too...

I have since given up the desire to "fix" individuals, for both logistic and emotional reasons... By logistic, what I really mean is common sense and self preservation. For one thing, I can do far greater things for humanity if I don't let some idiot kill me, not to mention the fact that no one deserves some of the crap I've taken. I'm still willing to help people to some degree, of course, I'm just more careful about who it is now. I think that's all I wanted to say right now.

Monday, April 13, 2009