the vague sense of restlessness and other such things...

So I was reading through some of the older posts, and I started to remember that you guys used to leave me comments. :(

No comments any more? That makes me sad... I was actually being sincere when I said that I appreciated them. :(

Please leave me comments...? You guys give me something to smile about.

Since this has 975 views to date, I thought I'd give you guys something more interesting to read.

My vague sense of restlessness has been with me since i was a small child. It follows me wherever I wander off to, and is unrelenting. I am never at peace with anything, about anything, never. I am perpetually in a state of some sort of turmoil that never ceases. I don't know whether to medicate it away, or befriend it. But it is a part of me, so I suppose the latter would be advisable. But I never follow my own good advice.

Interestingly, nobody ever offers me advice. They sure ask for a lot from me, though. 

and more...

I told you it gets full in here. If I posted all of it for you, you might be as crazy as I am.

I can't remember what I was planning on saying in that last post, but it feels unfinished.

Have you ever run into someone you haven't seen in 10 years or so...? I don't mean just anyone that you used to know... I mean a long lost best friend sort of person...
It seems to happen to me a lot lately. I find someone that I've been searching... really searching for... someone that I miss deeply. It turns out they've been searching for me, too! So we meet up, we talk for a while, catch up... and that's the end of it. Every. Single. Time. It seems like they think, "Oh, so that's what happened to you. I wondered." and that's it. Here I am, still longing for that deep beautiful emotional connection... the kind you can't seem to create readily after age twelve or so... At first, I always think that I must have done something wrong, or said something wrong that made them decide that I was not in fact, worth all of the effort... that meeting me again was somehow anti-climactic. Eventually, I decide that since I've successfully survived without them for the last 10 or 15 years, I can probably continue as before. It's still depressing, though.


I know that I am essentially polluting the internet by publishing such mindless drivel, but I'm upset and when I'm upset, the monologue must come OUTSIDE before I can feel better and since I have no one to talk to, you're all stuck with me. Besides, if you don't want to hear it, you could always leave my diary (that's where you are).

Today, I learned that some people actually become upset listening to another person verbally (or this way) sort out their thoughts and feelings. I was completely oblivious to this phenomenon, despite the fact that I'm sure someone has voiced the complaint before. So, to anyone bothered by the thoughts and emotions of other people, I'm sorry. I really am. I still can't actually fathom your reasoning, but I can still be sorry. I will try to direct more of my personal rant stream at people who aren't bothered by it in the future. I actually enjoy listening to other people rant, because I know I am providing them a useful service. Besides, once they feel better and stop talking, my work is done anyway, right? Again, just more of my opinions...

So, I finally baked the chocolate chip cookies. I still can't remember what I was originally going to post here, but I think I've stepped out of my loop at this point. I'm sure I'll remember it later (or not).

more brain emptying

Yet again, I want coffee. Since it's close to midnight, I figure it's a bad idea. I was thinking about making cookies. For about the last three hours. Somehow, I still haven't mustered up the emotional energy to tackle that job. I can't decide if I'm depressed because I'm understimulated, or understimulated because I'm depressed.

I'm frustrated today. More specifically, I'm frustrated about the fact that I'm all alone. Just like I wanted. See, it gets to this point... where... how can I put this...? I guess I just get overwhelmed. My brain feels full, and most likely, I've been over-extending myself for others a bit (that's an understatement, if you didn't catch it)... and then, I retreat. What I mean by retreat is that I hide in my bed. It's warm there, and there is plenty of space to sort things out. And I need that. Really, I don't know how other people go without it. I'd go nuts (yeah, I know, but more so). So, anyway... I hide. I don't talk to anyone, well, at least I don't reach out to anyone. I still respond, but it's not the same way, I'm preoccupied... I should have outgrown this by now. Or at least learned to minimize it, like all the "functional" people do. What is "functional", really? When I was working, I still showed up and did my job and everything, but I was quieter. Somewhere else. It's hard to explain. It's sort of like mentally taking a mini-vacation. I just check out.

Anyway... this habit tends to shake people off. Often times, I genuinely want to KEEP some of those people, I just want to make sure that when they interact with me, they get ME. ALL of me, not just the glazed-over, preoccupied crap. Everyone has selfish, right? This is mine, I guess. But, I tend to wake up a few months later, and realize that everyone's gone. Now that I have the energy to be there, to be available, to listen, to advise, to truly engage... they're gone. Some people understand, and they know I'll come back, because I always do and I always will. If I'm not planning on coming back, I am not unclear about it.

Still, I miss people, and occasionally feel a little abandoned. Yes, I know that's dumb, because it's my fault. I don't really want to be pulled back... but it does hurt when people don't come back when I do.

Stream of Consciousness

Yes, that's right tiny readership!
It's your lucky day. Once again you have stumbled into my personal thought-sorting-dish. I'm sure there is a better phrase for that, but frankly; I'm tired and can't be bothered to think of it now. I'm sure it'll come to me later... Anyway... I go on with my warning.
This blog may contain the following possibly offensive materials: thought streams that make no sense to anyone but the writer, inside jokes that no one gets, misplaced pop culture references, misplaced anger, transference, and other nonsense that you don't care about. If you find any of these things offensive/irritating/whatthefuckever, bear in mind that you have been warned and I take no personal responsibility to your unnecessary overreaction.

That said... I need coffee. Like yesterday. Seriously... Television is getting old. I think unemployment is beginning to take over my mind. Oh yeah, I did get fired... the funny thing is WHY i got fired, but I really don't feel like sharing that at present. Suffice to say there had been a fair amount of role strain placed on me, and my talents will be better suited elsewhere. Damn fingers. I hate you, too. For now, education. Have I mentioned I hate cancer? I'd have already earned a bachelor's by now if not for stupid fucking cancer. Cancer treatment makes studying rather difficult. Anyway... I have to pick a major soon and I'm not sure what I should pick, since I never took anything in high school (you know, since I didn't go...). I actually find physics fascinating, but there's a little detail that prevents me from majoring in it... I've never actually taken it. I just studied it in my free time during stupid cancer treatment. Stupid cancer. I hate cancer.

Oh yeah... since I tell you guys all of my secrets anyway (when I want to)... here's one: My doctor discovered several new masses. I'm supposed to go in for a follow up for it (this is now 6 months after the discovery of said masses), only - here's the best part - I HAVE NO INSURANCE. Of course that all goes back to my daughter contracting Pertussis (getting fired - I got fired because I had to stay home with her while she was sick. She's 7.)... What the fuck, right? That's what I said. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't just refuse treatment and wander off into the woods when they told me. That was way back in 2003, the beginning of this mess. Sometimes, I think I am the very person that cancer sets out to kill, I am the sort that evolution probably doesn't want. Evolution wants mediocrity, right? Nothing about me is mediocre... What little is good is very good, and alternately, that which has spoiled leaves no detail untouched.

My iPod died recently. I, being the extreme klutz that I am, took one step out of my chair (this one) and in one fell swoop hurt my ankle, tore the metal bits of the sync cable apart, and sent the iPod flying across the room and into a homeless abandoned cooler, which actually split the casing on the iPod. Since it is an incredibly old iPod, and I am reasonably tech savvy, I tinkered with it (still mostly closed) and tried to get the drive to boot. I tried all of the usual tricks, from Apple's tried and true (your god, I hate that expression) all the way down to the logo-smack technique, but to no avail. I opened it, and assessed the hard drive and determined it to be toast. I think I used to have a point, but it has long since been lost. Hey, I warned you.

Time for coffee.