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Monday, December 30, 2013

Right now

My mood is Ok but I secretly think no one likes me.
I'm afraid he'll never come back
I hate seroquel
I think even the internet hates me
I'm smiling in spite of all this and don't know why
I'm watching breaking bad
I took my night meds three hours ago and still can't sleep
I know that sometimes I can drink 10 pots of coffee in a day and it does nothing but on other days I can barely handle a cup without shaking
I'm tired
My kid is STILL awake
I think my family hates me too
I wonder if I'm a good mother
I'm worried I'll spend all my money on crap
I wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't mentally ill
Or if I didn't get cancer
I know that even though I can't afford it I'm a lot more mentally and financially stable when I live on my own
I'm frustrated about EVERYTHING
I wish I had been more patient with him
I can't sleep
My thoughts are racing
I wish I had a bedroom
I wonder why I never like someone who is ready for me
I think I must not be ready
I KNOW I'm not ready yet
But I also know I'm willing and able
My legs hurt from walking three miles in my slippers in under an hour
My thoughts are everywhere from ecstatic to miserable and possibly suicidal and likely all somewhat delusional
Bouncing back and forth
I wish my med adjustment would be sooner because I want relief
I wish I could drink
I wish I hadn't gained 35lbs
I wish my cat was closer
I wish my thoughts were whole
I know that wishes mean nothing
I want my head to quiet
Spinning
I don't have a clue what to do.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Daily or close enough

I don't know what to post. We're on an off swing, which is fine. We're quickly approaching a year, which is awesome :)

Cookie is excited for Christmas. I can't wait for her to open her gifts! I couldn't get her all the minecraft things she wanted but I think she'll be happy.

Mood wise, I put myself back on seroquel because the other two meds do absolutely nothing without it. I think I need a real moodstabilizer and possibly a new shrink. I'm looking into it because mine seems to be set up just to write the scripts and I need someone willing to change them. She wants one appt every 90 days. Her office is closed for three weeks for the holidays - a time when a lot of people commit suicide. Seems dumb to me...

I don't feel like the meds I'm on are doing enough. This regimen was just a first shot anyway. I need someone flexible enough to work with me. At the same time I have to be careful not to burn any bridges because I may need to take my kid there if her doc can ever settle her meds. I don't think her current ones are doing much of anything. They might even be making her worse. Strange that even trazodone can't make her sleep.

I'm greatly enjoying my e cig. It makes a very good cigarette replacement because it tastes SO much better. It doesn't affect my asthma or more importantly, Teresa's. Her asthma has been very good lately. She's been blowing in the 300s.

Idk what else to say. Maybe later.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Can i keep it up?

I've decided I need to start writing every day again. I'm not sure what to say every day but anything is something, right?

I'm freezing. I have no idea why. I can't sleep. Often. I have a head full of thoughts and no words anywhere. So where did the words run away to?
Post. Every day. Post. I doubt I can. We'll see.

So there's this guy. Big surprise, right? I miss him. 10 months? Wow. I'm gonna shut up before I break it.

Break. I need a break. Maybe breakfast. Break in fast.

Fast. Fast is where the thoughts come from. I'm watching of two minds I think it's called. Interesting.

Interest is divine. I hope i still have yours. I think I do. I am captivated by you. Captive.

In captivity. My heart locked away. Spoken for, even if not. I think you did. Without the words maybe? Maybe I misunderstood your phrasing... Your words.

Words... "I'll be there". Those words matter.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

what it takes to catch a fish

"I couldn't tow the line..." he said, "so I'm tossing you back".
It was NEVER that you couldn't tow the line,
you had already caught the fish...
I thought you knew, when i told you you were mine...

at the time, you had bigger fish to fry
it was NEVER that you couldn't tow the line
that thought's a lie...
you left the fish floundering in the cooler
busy fighting off the sharks

It was NEVER that you couldn't tow the line,
you had already caught the fish...
I thought you knew, when I gave you the time...

I hope you didn't mean it when you said that
I know I'm just a small fish
in a vast sea... but, what?
didn't we mean something?
we had it all, in the palms of our clammy hands

It was NEVER that you couldn't tow the line,
you had already caught the fish...
I thought you knew, when i made the rhyme...

now i worry we are sinking
that the sharks have won...
i hope that time will prove me wrong
i hope we find the sun
i miss what i knew
before it all came undone...

It was NEVER that you couldn't tow the line,
you had already caught the fish...
I thought you knew, when i told you you were mine...


Saturday, August 24, 2013

You...

I don't think I've ever written about you...

You see me in a way that no one else ever has. You know me better than anyone, and yet, you're still here.

I hope that you feel the same way, or that you will...

Your very presence gives me a euphoria unlike any other...

I don't know what else to say right now. I hope I didn't jinx us by writing this down.