Growing up

As I was growing up, I lived in a gang ridden cesspool... Several, actually... We moved a lot. Being tough was the most important thing in the world.

As a small child, I always dreamt of going to college in the big city and making a real life for myself... Doing something positive for the world. I had no idea what I wanted to study, or any concept of what happens after college, I just knew I wanted to go.

As my teen years came screeching into the picture, I lost sight of those goals. I was disillusioned with the pathetic offerings of the local public schools, and too bored by the curriculum to bother attending. I got in trouble. I got expelled a few times. I remember playing a game with friends as a teen where we'd punch each other or do other intimidating things to one another and whoever flinched lost the game.

By the time I was 16, I was a junior high dropout. But I no longer wanted to live that rough lifestyle. I was in the city (a small city, disappointing eventually) and working around 60 hours a week to support myself. I wad a good kid, and a good assistant manager of the restaurant I worked at. At least mostly. I made some ghetto kid mistakes, but overall, my intentions were good.

I have animals all over me demanding my undivided attention RIGHT NOW. Maybe a little bit of the story will come later.

Missing you today and every day

I still can't believe you're gone. It's been 9 months... I miss you every minute of every day. I take xanax and ativan to dull the piercing anguish of your absence... It helps distract me from the memories of finding you, and the memories of the autopsy photos I had to view because the county is incompetent... But it doesn't make me stop missing you. I don't think anything ever could. I don't know if there's a hole in my heart, or if it's completely destroyed... I believe it is shattered. I am trying to put the pieces back together, but don't know how without you. You were my glue... You were the only person who was always in my corner. No matter what, you were there. I feel completely destroyed by your absence. You made the world a safe and fun place for me, a place full of possibilities... Now everything seems pointless without you... You were the center of my life. What do you do when the center of your life, of your heart, suddenly drops out? The floor suddenly disintegrated out from under me... From all of us... I miss you so much I feel like I'm dying of heartache... I don't know what to do without you.