I'm really enjoying being back at school. It's a little odd sometimes, since most of my classmates are about 10 years younger than me, but overall, it's nice anyway. I recently learned that I actually enjoy math - something I never would have imagined possible. As it turns out, it's much more interesting when less numbers are involved. I wonder... are people who are good at algebra any more likely to also excel at calculus...? I hope so... because it looks like I'll be taking at least one math class per quarter (plus other classes that contain math, many of which contain some form of calculus) for about the next five years (or longer).
I have a paper to write and I'm procrastinating. My teacher has chosen a rather mundane & common past experience for us to write about, in great detail. I find myself completely unable to remember my personal experience in the least little bit, so I haven't started yet. I understand the point of the assignment completely, and I will do it... but that doesn't stop me from wishing it could be about something a little more abstract. Or even a present-tense situation. I can't even remember what I had for dinner last night & now I'm trying to remember the last cut that I had? In detail?? I was kind of hoping that if I put it off long enough, I'd accidentally cut myself, and thus be able to write about it. A present-tense cut is something I can write about because it is happening *currently*. I can see it, feel it, and bypass my often hazy memory.
The last one, on the other hand, I can't even remember what it felt like... I have a terrible memory for physical pain. I suppose in a way, most of us do. If we didn't, our population would probably decrease some...
welcome to my random collection of rants
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
the vague sense of restlessness and other such things...
So I was reading through some of the older posts, and I started to remember that you guys used to leave me comments. :(
No comments any more? That makes me sad... I was actually being sincere when I said that I appreciated them. :(
Please leave me comments...? You guys give me something to smile about.
Since this has 975 views to date, I thought I'd give you guys something more interesting to read.
My vague sense of restlessness has been with me since i was a small child. It follows me wherever I wander off to, and is unrelenting. I am never at peace with anything, about anything, never. I am perpetually in a state of some sort of turmoil that never ceases. I don't know whether to medicate it away, or befriend it. But it is a part of me, so I suppose the latter would be advisable. But I never follow my own good advice.
Interestingly, nobody ever offers me advice. They sure ask for a lot from me, though.
No comments any more? That makes me sad... I was actually being sincere when I said that I appreciated them. :(
Please leave me comments...? You guys give me something to smile about.
Since this has 975 views to date, I thought I'd give you guys something more interesting to read.
My vague sense of restlessness has been with me since i was a small child. It follows me wherever I wander off to, and is unrelenting. I am never at peace with anything, about anything, never. I am perpetually in a state of some sort of turmoil that never ceases. I don't know whether to medicate it away, or befriend it. But it is a part of me, so I suppose the latter would be advisable. But I never follow my own good advice.
Interestingly, nobody ever offers me advice. They sure ask for a lot from me, though.
and more...
I told you it gets full in here. If I posted all of it for you, you might be as crazy as I am.
I can't remember what I was planning on saying in that last post, but it feels unfinished.
Have you ever run into someone you haven't seen in 10 years or so...? I don't mean just anyone that you used to know... I mean a long lost best friend sort of person...
It seems to happen to me a lot lately. I find someone that I've been searching... really searching for... someone that I miss deeply. It turns out they've been searching for me, too! So we meet up, we talk for a while, catch up... and that's the end of it. Every. Single. Time. It seems like they think, "Oh, so that's what happened to you. I wondered." and that's it. Here I am, still longing for that deep beautiful emotional connection... the kind you can't seem to create readily after age twelve or so... At first, I always think that I must have done something wrong, or said something wrong that made them decide that I was not in fact, worth all of the effort... that meeting me again was somehow anti-climactic. Eventually, I decide that since I've successfully survived without them for the last 10 or 15 years, I can probably continue as before. It's still depressing, though.
I know that I am essentially polluting the internet by publishing such mindless drivel, but I'm upset and when I'm upset, the monologue must come OUTSIDE before I can feel better and since I have no one to talk to, you're all stuck with me. Besides, if you don't want to hear it, you could always leave my diary (that's where you are).
Today, I learned that some people actually become upset listening to another person verbally (or this way) sort out their thoughts and feelings. I was completely oblivious to this phenomenon, despite the fact that I'm sure someone has voiced the complaint before. So, to anyone bothered by the thoughts and emotions of other people, I'm sorry. I really am. I still can't actually fathom your reasoning, but I can still be sorry. I will try to direct more of my personal rant stream at people who aren't bothered by it in the future. I actually enjoy listening to other people rant, because I know I am providing them a useful service. Besides, once they feel better and stop talking, my work is done anyway, right? Again, just more of my opinions...
So, I finally baked the chocolate chip cookies. I still can't remember what I was originally going to post here, but I think I've stepped out of my loop at this point. I'm sure I'll remember it later (or not).
I can't remember what I was planning on saying in that last post, but it feels unfinished.
Have you ever run into someone you haven't seen in 10 years or so...? I don't mean just anyone that you used to know... I mean a long lost best friend sort of person...
It seems to happen to me a lot lately. I find someone that I've been searching... really searching for... someone that I miss deeply. It turns out they've been searching for me, too! So we meet up, we talk for a while, catch up... and that's the end of it. Every. Single. Time. It seems like they think, "Oh, so that's what happened to you. I wondered." and that's it. Here I am, still longing for that deep beautiful emotional connection... the kind you can't seem to create readily after age twelve or so... At first, I always think that I must have done something wrong, or said something wrong that made them decide that I was not in fact, worth all of the effort... that meeting me again was somehow anti-climactic. Eventually, I decide that since I've successfully survived without them for the last 10 or 15 years, I can probably continue as before. It's still depressing, though.
I know that I am essentially polluting the internet by publishing such mindless drivel, but I'm upset and when I'm upset, the monologue must come OUTSIDE before I can feel better and since I have no one to talk to, you're all stuck with me. Besides, if you don't want to hear it, you could always leave my diary (that's where you are).
Today, I learned that some people actually become upset listening to another person verbally (or this way) sort out their thoughts and feelings. I was completely oblivious to this phenomenon, despite the fact that I'm sure someone has voiced the complaint before. So, to anyone bothered by the thoughts and emotions of other people, I'm sorry. I really am. I still can't actually fathom your reasoning, but I can still be sorry. I will try to direct more of my personal rant stream at people who aren't bothered by it in the future. I actually enjoy listening to other people rant, because I know I am providing them a useful service. Besides, once they feel better and stop talking, my work is done anyway, right? Again, just more of my opinions...
So, I finally baked the chocolate chip cookies. I still can't remember what I was originally going to post here, but I think I've stepped out of my loop at this point. I'm sure I'll remember it later (or not).
Thursday, September 2, 2010
more brain emptying
Yet again, I want coffee. Since it's close to midnight, I figure it's a bad idea. I was thinking about making cookies. For about the last three hours. Somehow, I still haven't mustered up the emotional energy to tackle that job. I can't decide if I'm depressed because I'm understimulated, or understimulated because I'm depressed.
I'm frustrated today. More specifically, I'm frustrated about the fact that I'm all alone. Just like I wanted. See, it gets to this point... where... how can I put this...? I guess I just get overwhelmed. My brain feels full, and most likely, I've been over-extending myself for others a bit (that's an understatement, if you didn't catch it)... and then, I retreat. What I mean by retreat is that I hide in my bed. It's warm there, and there is plenty of space to sort things out. And I need that. Really, I don't know how other people go without it. I'd go nuts (yeah, I know, but more so). So, anyway... I hide. I don't talk to anyone, well, at least I don't reach out to anyone. I still respond, but it's not the same way, I'm preoccupied... I should have outgrown this by now. Or at least learned to minimize it, like all the "functional" people do. What is "functional", really? When I was working, I still showed up and did my job and everything, but I was quieter. Somewhere else. It's hard to explain. It's sort of like mentally taking a mini-vacation. I just check out.
Anyway... this habit tends to shake people off. Often times, I genuinely want to KEEP some of those people, I just want to make sure that when they interact with me, they get ME. ALL of me, not just the glazed-over, preoccupied crap. Everyone has selfish, right? This is mine, I guess. But, I tend to wake up a few months later, and realize that everyone's gone. Now that I have the energy to be there, to be available, to listen, to advise, to truly engage... they're gone. Some people understand, and they know I'll come back, because I always do and I always will. If I'm not planning on coming back, I am not unclear about it.
Still, I miss people, and occasionally feel a little abandoned. Yes, I know that's dumb, because it's my fault. I don't really want to be pulled back... but it does hurt when people don't come back when I do.
I'm frustrated today. More specifically, I'm frustrated about the fact that I'm all alone. Just like I wanted. See, it gets to this point... where... how can I put this...? I guess I just get overwhelmed. My brain feels full, and most likely, I've been over-extending myself for others a bit (that's an understatement, if you didn't catch it)... and then, I retreat. What I mean by retreat is that I hide in my bed. It's warm there, and there is plenty of space to sort things out. And I need that. Really, I don't know how other people go without it. I'd go nuts (yeah, I know, but more so). So, anyway... I hide. I don't talk to anyone, well, at least I don't reach out to anyone. I still respond, but it's not the same way, I'm preoccupied... I should have outgrown this by now. Or at least learned to minimize it, like all the "functional" people do. What is "functional", really? When I was working, I still showed up and did my job and everything, but I was quieter. Somewhere else. It's hard to explain. It's sort of like mentally taking a mini-vacation. I just check out.
Anyway... this habit tends to shake people off. Often times, I genuinely want to KEEP some of those people, I just want to make sure that when they interact with me, they get ME. ALL of me, not just the glazed-over, preoccupied crap. Everyone has selfish, right? This is mine, I guess. But, I tend to wake up a few months later, and realize that everyone's gone. Now that I have the energy to be there, to be available, to listen, to advise, to truly engage... they're gone. Some people understand, and they know I'll come back, because I always do and I always will. If I'm not planning on coming back, I am not unclear about it.
Still, I miss people, and occasionally feel a little abandoned. Yes, I know that's dumb, because it's my fault. I don't really want to be pulled back... but it does hurt when people don't come back when I do.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Stream of Consciousness
Yes, that's right tiny readership!
It's your lucky day. Once again you have stumbled into my personal thought-sorting-dish. I'm sure there is a better phrase for that, but frankly; I'm tired and can't be bothered to think of it now. I'm sure it'll come to me later... Anyway... I go on with my warning.
This blog may contain the following possibly offensive materials: thought streams that make no sense to anyone but the writer, inside jokes that no one gets, misplaced pop culture references, misplaced anger, transference, and other nonsense that you don't care about. If you find any of these things offensive/irritating/whatthefuckever, bear in mind that you have been warned and I take no personal responsibility to your unnecessary overreaction.
That said... I need coffee. Like yesterday. Seriously... Television is getting old. I think unemployment is beginning to take over my mind. Oh yeah, I did get fired... the funny thing is WHY i got fired, but I really don't feel like sharing that at present. Suffice to say there had been a fair amount of role strain placed on me, and my talents will be better suited elsewhere. Damn fingers. I hate you, too. For now, education. Have I mentioned I hate cancer? I'd have already earned a bachelor's by now if not for stupid fucking cancer. Cancer treatment makes studying rather difficult. Anyway... I have to pick a major soon and I'm not sure what I should pick, since I never took anything in high school (you know, since I didn't go...). I actually find physics fascinating, but there's a little detail that prevents me from majoring in it... I've never actually taken it. I just studied it in my free time during stupid cancer treatment. Stupid cancer. I hate cancer.
Oh yeah... since I tell you guys all of my secrets anyway (when I want to)... here's one: My doctor discovered several new masses. I'm supposed to go in for a follow up for it (this is now 6 months after the discovery of said masses), only - here's the best part - I HAVE NO INSURANCE. Of course that all goes back to my daughter contracting Pertussis (getting fired - I got fired because I had to stay home with her while she was sick. She's 7.)... What the fuck, right? That's what I said. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't just refuse treatment and wander off into the woods when they told me. That was way back in 2003, the beginning of this mess. Sometimes, I think I am the very person that cancer sets out to kill, I am the sort that evolution probably doesn't want. Evolution wants mediocrity, right? Nothing about me is mediocre... What little is good is very good, and alternately, that which has spoiled leaves no detail untouched.
My iPod died recently. I, being the extreme klutz that I am, took one step out of my chair (this one) and in one fell swoop hurt my ankle, tore the metal bits of the sync cable apart, and sent the iPod flying across the room and into a homeless abandoned cooler, which actually split the casing on the iPod. Since it is an incredibly old iPod, and I am reasonably tech savvy, I tinkered with it (still mostly closed) and tried to get the drive to boot. I tried all of the usual tricks, from Apple's tried and true (your god, I hate that expression) all the way down to the logo-smack technique, but to no avail. I opened it, and assessed the hard drive and determined it to be toast. I think I used to have a point, but it has long since been lost. Hey, I warned you.
Time for coffee.
It's your lucky day. Once again you have stumbled into my personal thought-sorting-dish. I'm sure there is a better phrase for that, but frankly; I'm tired and can't be bothered to think of it now. I'm sure it'll come to me later... Anyway... I go on with my warning.
This blog may contain the following possibly offensive materials: thought streams that make no sense to anyone but the writer, inside jokes that no one gets, misplaced pop culture references, misplaced anger, transference, and other nonsense that you don't care about. If you find any of these things offensive/irritating/whatthefuckever, bear in mind that you have been warned and I take no personal responsibility to your unnecessary overreaction.
That said... I need coffee. Like yesterday. Seriously... Television is getting old. I think unemployment is beginning to take over my mind. Oh yeah, I did get fired... the funny thing is WHY i got fired, but I really don't feel like sharing that at present. Suffice to say there had been a fair amount of role strain placed on me, and my talents will be better suited elsewhere. Damn fingers. I hate you, too. For now, education. Have I mentioned I hate cancer? I'd have already earned a bachelor's by now if not for stupid fucking cancer. Cancer treatment makes studying rather difficult. Anyway... I have to pick a major soon and I'm not sure what I should pick, since I never took anything in high school (you know, since I didn't go...). I actually find physics fascinating, but there's a little detail that prevents me from majoring in it... I've never actually taken it. I just studied it in my free time during stupid cancer treatment. Stupid cancer. I hate cancer.
Oh yeah... since I tell you guys all of my secrets anyway (when I want to)... here's one: My doctor discovered several new masses. I'm supposed to go in for a follow up for it (this is now 6 months after the discovery of said masses), only - here's the best part - I HAVE NO INSURANCE. Of course that all goes back to my daughter contracting Pertussis (getting fired - I got fired because I had to stay home with her while she was sick. She's 7.)... What the fuck, right? That's what I said. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't just refuse treatment and wander off into the woods when they told me. That was way back in 2003, the beginning of this mess. Sometimes, I think I am the very person that cancer sets out to kill, I am the sort that evolution probably doesn't want. Evolution wants mediocrity, right? Nothing about me is mediocre... What little is good is very good, and alternately, that which has spoiled leaves no detail untouched.
My iPod died recently. I, being the extreme klutz that I am, took one step out of my chair (this one) and in one fell swoop hurt my ankle, tore the metal bits of the sync cable apart, and sent the iPod flying across the room and into a homeless abandoned cooler, which actually split the casing on the iPod. Since it is an incredibly old iPod, and I am reasonably tech savvy, I tinkered with it (still mostly closed) and tried to get the drive to boot. I tried all of the usual tricks, from Apple's tried and true (your god, I hate that expression) all the way down to the logo-smack technique, but to no avail. I opened it, and assessed the hard drive and determined it to be toast. I think I used to have a point, but it has long since been lost. Hey, I warned you.
Time for coffee.
Monday, July 5, 2010
how?
How do you put all the pieces back together when half of them never made into the box in the first place?
Friday, June 18, 2010
I LOATHE p2k
Someone really needs to create a user friendly tool for modding phones. P2K is waaaaaaaaaaaaay too complex for the average user, who likely just wants to play a damn game on their phone. Seriously, if I wanted to spend my whole day programming, I'd be getting paid for it. I even know a little about programming, but the idea of trying to get my vista computer to recognize my razr with P2K is about as appealing as ripping off every piece of flesh on my body individually.
The last time I worked with this program, I was using a very simple XP set-up with a W490. It took instructions from about 6 different sites, multiple attempts and several days just to get the computer to notice that a phone had been plugged in. And the W490 has a memory card. You'd think that would make it EASIER. Fucking ridiculous.
This time, I'm running a much more complex vista system, and working with a razr circa 2000. I'm beginning to wonder if this is even possible. The computer has recognized the phone, and according to ALL instructions, all should be well. Except that P2K sucks ass. Don't get me wrong, when it's working, it's amazing. When it works, it's the best tool you could possibly find for your phone. It's confusing as all hell to use, but it gives you complete control over your phone, and even lets you bypass all the bullshit media blocking that most companies use to force you to buy their shit.
Getting it working, on the other hand, is nearly impossible. There aren't many things in the world that I would want to pay someone to do for me. Getting P2K to work is one of the very few. I hate this.
Clearly, I'm not the only person who has had issues... Check the 18 billion forums... There are thousands of us. Sure, many are more patient than I... I'm sure the people who are successful are much better at following each and every tiny little instruction than I am. Great. I just think there ought to be a program with less than 14 million individual instructions. There should be something simpler out there. It's a great program, but installation alone is needlessly complex.
Update: I found version 6. Version 6 found my phone. It seems to be working.
Whoever created version 6, you rock. Thank you. :)
The last time I worked with this program, I was using a very simple XP set-up with a W490. It took instructions from about 6 different sites, multiple attempts and several days just to get the computer to notice that a phone had been plugged in. And the W490 has a memory card. You'd think that would make it EASIER. Fucking ridiculous.
This time, I'm running a much more complex vista system, and working with a razr circa 2000. I'm beginning to wonder if this is even possible. The computer has recognized the phone, and according to ALL instructions, all should be well. Except that P2K sucks ass. Don't get me wrong, when it's working, it's amazing. When it works, it's the best tool you could possibly find for your phone. It's confusing as all hell to use, but it gives you complete control over your phone, and even lets you bypass all the bullshit media blocking that most companies use to force you to buy their shit.
Getting it working, on the other hand, is nearly impossible. There aren't many things in the world that I would want to pay someone to do for me. Getting P2K to work is one of the very few. I hate this.
Clearly, I'm not the only person who has had issues... Check the 18 billion forums... There are thousands of us. Sure, many are more patient than I... I'm sure the people who are successful are much better at following each and every tiny little instruction than I am. Great. I just think there ought to be a program with less than 14 million individual instructions. There should be something simpler out there. It's a great program, but installation alone is needlessly complex.
Update: I found version 6. Version 6 found my phone. It seems to be working.
Whoever created version 6, you rock. Thank you. :)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
More detail...
Says the instructor... This course is driving me just a little nuts, I won't lie. I think I spend more time trying to find my homework that I spend actually doing it. That aside, I have a gigantic report due today. It doesn't have to be complete, I'm supposed to submit it 'unfinished'. Now, that whole concept is rather foreign to my very nature, but that's beside the point.
More importantly, I have the entire report done except for the detailed musical descriptions. Since the assignment is a musical review, that would be the 'meat' of the report. Sweet. Despite knowing that my last review was lacking in the details department, I was feeling halfway confident about this report. I actually completed most of it before the concert, as specified by the (vague) instructions.
However, the day before this second report is due, the instructor hands back the graded copy of the first one. "More detail", he says. I might add here, that I'm not the biggest fan of 'details'. To me, they seem to be minute, passing little observations that don't serve much purpose. I would generally rather solve the puzzle as a whole all at once than pick out little bits to analyze individually. Picking things to bits makes little sense to me. I can zero in on bits that have an apparent purpose, but not usually intentionally. For example, if I'm talking to you, I *will* notice if you have a cut on your hand. I will probably remember most of what you've said, and can often recite it many years later. I will not notice what time it is, what the weather is like, what you're wearing, etc. Those things don't matter much to me. What difference does it really make if it was raining when you said, "______"??? The point is what you said, right? Who cares what day it was? For that matter, the words you use can convey an entirely different meaning than what you are actually trying to communicate...
I'm *sure* this isn't making sense to anyone but me at this point, but I can accept that. My point is this: from the perspective of someone who is naturally attuned to the whole picture, what is the best way to suddenly shift your entire thought process onto minute details that would normally slip right past you? I realize the necessity in it, given the assignment... but how? I need to pick out (and correctly identify) every little shift of every little thing that I'm hearing? To include what the composer's intent was? Really? "There is an incomplete cadence at 'blah blah blah' time... which supports the composer's intention of ___ " I guess I'd better get started then.
More importantly, I have the entire report done except for the detailed musical descriptions. Since the assignment is a musical review, that would be the 'meat' of the report. Sweet. Despite knowing that my last review was lacking in the details department, I was feeling halfway confident about this report. I actually completed most of it before the concert, as specified by the (vague) instructions.
However, the day before this second report is due, the instructor hands back the graded copy of the first one. "More detail", he says. I might add here, that I'm not the biggest fan of 'details'. To me, they seem to be minute, passing little observations that don't serve much purpose. I would generally rather solve the puzzle as a whole all at once than pick out little bits to analyze individually. Picking things to bits makes little sense to me. I can zero in on bits that have an apparent purpose, but not usually intentionally. For example, if I'm talking to you, I *will* notice if you have a cut on your hand. I will probably remember most of what you've said, and can often recite it many years later. I will not notice what time it is, what the weather is like, what you're wearing, etc. Those things don't matter much to me. What difference does it really make if it was raining when you said, "______"??? The point is what you said, right? Who cares what day it was? For that matter, the words you use can convey an entirely different meaning than what you are actually trying to communicate...
I'm *sure* this isn't making sense to anyone but me at this point, but I can accept that. My point is this: from the perspective of someone who is naturally attuned to the whole picture, what is the best way to suddenly shift your entire thought process onto minute details that would normally slip right past you? I realize the necessity in it, given the assignment... but how? I need to pick out (and correctly identify) every little shift of every little thing that I'm hearing? To include what the composer's intent was? Really? "There is an incomplete cadence at 'blah blah blah' time... which supports the composer's intention of ___ " I guess I'd better get started then.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
whatever
why am i alive if i'm not free to live?
i must be alive for some sort of purpose...
my life doesn't make sense otherwise.
i've been through so much
i've survived so many things
i must be here for something...
after all, each morning that i wake up breathing, i am beating long odds
i defy the statistics, or at least my path has.
so, why? what is this 'purpose' that i've been spared for, when so many others have not been spared?
currently, my 'purpose' is to discover the purpose of my life... the reason i'm still here, when i probably should have died so many times over.
but, if your purpose in life is to find purpose, isn't that pointless? isn't that somewhat nullifying, since the concept just brings you full circle to right back to where you started?
a life spent questioning why there is life to be spent is what exactly?
possibly a waste of said life? shouldn't i be out living that life, rather than sitting around questioning why there is still a life to be lived?
i must be alive for some sort of purpose...
my life doesn't make sense otherwise.
i've been through so much
i've survived so many things
i must be here for something...
after all, each morning that i wake up breathing, i am beating long odds
i defy the statistics, or at least my path has.
so, why? what is this 'purpose' that i've been spared for, when so many others have not been spared?
currently, my 'purpose' is to discover the purpose of my life... the reason i'm still here, when i probably should have died so many times over.
but, if your purpose in life is to find purpose, isn't that pointless? isn't that somewhat nullifying, since the concept just brings you full circle to right back to where you started?
a life spent questioning why there is life to be spent is what exactly?
possibly a waste of said life? shouldn't i be out living that life, rather than sitting around questioning why there is still a life to be lived?
Monday, January 11, 2010
what the hell am i going to do??
I might lose my job... which feels incredibly stressful, yet somehow I feel a vague sense of freedom washing over me at the same time. Now, I love my job, don't get me wrong... I don't want to lose it at all. However, continuing with my education while working where I do has proven to be difficult, if not altogether impossible...
Anyway, in the midst of all my panic, I've been trying to console myself with sentiments like, "Well, if I do lose my job, I'll finally have time to go in and take my compass test" and "This could be a great opportunity for me to start doing open mic nights somewhere!".
Naturally, thoughts like that lead me to the ultimate question, "What the hell do I want to do with the rest of my life?". This question remains unanswered for me. I can remember wanting to be a singer more that anything in the world when I was five. I even wrote a few songs, and sang them for my mother. However, somewhere along the way, I picked up the notion that this idea was "impractical" and I began to think that as a person who wasn't naturally in touch with their immediate surroundings, I might not make the best entertainer.
So, here's the thing... I'm not really good at anything. I'm not terribly passionate about most things, at least not enough to build a career on... Really, the only things I've ever been told I had any discernible talent at were writing and singing. Any other skills I have I worked my ass off to acquire, and they aren't profitable, or things I want to do. These are the type of skills one acquires while working at a plethora of fast food jobs. I don't understand how people manage to stay with jobs they don't like. I feel like a whiner for saying it, but going to a job I hate every day makes me feel dead inside (ie: my two year sentence at safeway) and more than a little suicidal. I honestly think I'd go postal if I stayed with something I hated for too long. I know what you're thinking... and you're right, I do have serious problems, but that's hardly the point at hand.
In childhood, I was pushed toward music and language arts, because those were the only areas in which I possessed any clear aptitude. I played the violin for several years, spent years in choir, taught younger students how to read, tutored (reading only), wrote short stories, played guitar for a while (I can rock rhythm, seriously), and I've been writing terrible songs for years... So how come I'm not working in one of those areas? I heard, for instance, that there are some kinds of writers who can work from home. In some of those instances, their work is entirely on their own time. That means they can take their kid to the damn doctor without starving due to lost hours... what a crazy concept, huh?
I suppose it probably has something to do with the little detour I took in terms of education. I guess attending high school probably opens some doors, huh? Oh well, someone had to feed me back then. Maybe I'll go for a bachelor's in arts when I get fired.
Anyway, in the midst of all my panic, I've been trying to console myself with sentiments like, "Well, if I do lose my job, I'll finally have time to go in and take my compass test" and "This could be a great opportunity for me to start doing open mic nights somewhere!".
Naturally, thoughts like that lead me to the ultimate question, "What the hell do I want to do with the rest of my life?". This question remains unanswered for me. I can remember wanting to be a singer more that anything in the world when I was five. I even wrote a few songs, and sang them for my mother. However, somewhere along the way, I picked up the notion that this idea was "impractical" and I began to think that as a person who wasn't naturally in touch with their immediate surroundings, I might not make the best entertainer.
So, here's the thing... I'm not really good at anything. I'm not terribly passionate about most things, at least not enough to build a career on... Really, the only things I've ever been told I had any discernible talent at were writing and singing. Any other skills I have I worked my ass off to acquire, and they aren't profitable, or things I want to do. These are the type of skills one acquires while working at a plethora of fast food jobs. I don't understand how people manage to stay with jobs they don't like. I feel like a whiner for saying it, but going to a job I hate every day makes me feel dead inside (ie: my two year sentence at safeway) and more than a little suicidal. I honestly think I'd go postal if I stayed with something I hated for too long. I know what you're thinking... and you're right, I do have serious problems, but that's hardly the point at hand.
In childhood, I was pushed toward music and language arts, because those were the only areas in which I possessed any clear aptitude. I played the violin for several years, spent years in choir, taught younger students how to read, tutored (reading only), wrote short stories, played guitar for a while (I can rock rhythm, seriously), and I've been writing terrible songs for years... So how come I'm not working in one of those areas? I heard, for instance, that there are some kinds of writers who can work from home. In some of those instances, their work is entirely on their own time. That means they can take their kid to the damn doctor without starving due to lost hours... what a crazy concept, huh?
I suppose it probably has something to do with the little detour I took in terms of education. I guess attending high school probably opens some doors, huh? Oh well, someone had to feed me back then. Maybe I'll go for a bachelor's in arts when I get fired.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
eagle
I've got your pictures...
they meant so much to me
I've got your pictures
the soft light illuminates your smile
You came on like a sweet dream
soft and swift, and I fell prey
didn't think I could feel...
I didn't think I could feel the things that I felt for you
I've got your pictures
captured frail sentiments
I've got your pictures
frozen moments past
I never thought I could feel the things that I felt for you
little did I know...
that you were only a dream
not what I thought you were, so...
when you took flight
I merely stood back to watch you soar
I've got your pictures
but it don't mean anything now
and when I see your smile
it numbs me to my core with total apathy
I've got your pictures
a little bit of your soul
but we never meant shit to you
though in it's time it took a toll
and the more I think about it, the more I agree
I deserved far better than the bullshit you gave
so fucking soar, as far and as fast as your broken wings will carry you
but don't you bother laying flowers on this barren grave
I've got your pictures
but we didn't mean anything
I've got your pictures
they're so hollow now
I've got your pictures
but you walked out of them
they meant so much to me
I've got your pictures
the soft light illuminates your smile
You came on like a sweet dream
soft and swift, and I fell prey
didn't think I could feel...
I didn't think I could feel the things that I felt for you
I've got your pictures
captured frail sentiments
I've got your pictures
frozen moments past
I never thought I could feel the things that I felt for you
little did I know...
that you were only a dream
not what I thought you were, so...
when you took flight
I merely stood back to watch you soar
I've got your pictures
but it don't mean anything now
and when I see your smile
it numbs me to my core with total apathy
I've got your pictures
a little bit of your soul
but we never meant shit to you
though in it's time it took a toll
and the more I think about it, the more I agree
I deserved far better than the bullshit you gave
so fucking soar, as far and as fast as your broken wings will carry you
but don't you bother laying flowers on this barren grave
I've got your pictures
but we didn't mean anything
I've got your pictures
they're so hollow now
I've got your pictures
but you walked out of them
Saturday, January 2, 2010
blocked.
So, I can make the words. I can sing the words too. So far, I haven't been willing to do that part in front of anyone, but I can get past that. However, I'm having a hard time putting music to the words. I'm not even sure what kind of music the words want, but I know they want to be finished.
repost (mine)
trust
evillinclinations posted on Aug 01, 2006 | views: 121 | Tags: relationships, rant
Originally written sometime in 2000.
this means everything or nothing, depending on how you choose to see it.
When I was new at relationships, I used to play games. It was interesting to see who would win. I would test all my limits, and press all your buttons. I'd push just to see how far I could make you go. Will you still love me the 5th time I do this to you? The 105th? Will you still forgive me then?
As I got older, I began to see the pain I inflicted on others. To trust someone is to give them some of your power. When we give someone a piece of our heart, they own a part of us. Now that I'm not so new at this, my outlook has changed. Now I know that the object of the "game" is not to see how hard you can push, or to see if some one will prove their worth to you by simply putting up with whatever you do, basically paying their dues to you...
Relationships should be based on mutual respect, not "Will you still trust me even if I deceive you" or "Will you believe my answer no matter how untrue it sounds", but "I respect you enough to care what you think" or "I want to show you that you can trust me because I want it to mean something when you say you know I am telling the truth". It is a realization that if we do not want our loved ones to question our motives, we will not behave questionably. As we get older, we learn to adjust our behaviors and maybe even our habits to accommodate the hearts of our loved ones and we know that they will return the courtesy. Then again, maybe it's just me......... END RANT
evillinclinations posted on Aug 01, 2006 | views: 121 | Tags: relationships, rant
Originally written sometime in 2000.
this means everything or nothing, depending on how you choose to see it.
When I was new at relationships, I used to play games. It was interesting to see who would win. I would test all my limits, and press all your buttons. I'd push just to see how far I could make you go. Will you still love me the 5th time I do this to you? The 105th? Will you still forgive me then?
As I got older, I began to see the pain I inflicted on others. To trust someone is to give them some of your power. When we give someone a piece of our heart, they own a part of us. Now that I'm not so new at this, my outlook has changed. Now I know that the object of the "game" is not to see how hard you can push, or to see if some one will prove their worth to you by simply putting up with whatever you do, basically paying their dues to you...
Relationships should be based on mutual respect, not "Will you still trust me even if I deceive you" or "Will you believe my answer no matter how untrue it sounds", but "I respect you enough to care what you think" or "I want to show you that you can trust me because I want it to mean something when you say you know I am telling the truth". It is a realization that if we do not want our loved ones to question our motives, we will not behave questionably. As we get older, we learn to adjust our behaviors and maybe even our habits to accommodate the hearts of our loved ones and we know that they will return the courtesy. Then again, maybe it's just me......... END RANT
Friday, January 1, 2010
this is not for you
this is where I come to sort things out. Should you find something that might help you, great. If not, then at least a little of my tragic story might have been heard by someone somewhere. If not, that's ok too, because it's still a perfectly good sorting dish for me.
that said, on with the rant: I'm a mess. I'm aware of that. I'm not actually sure I would recognize someone who wasn't if I came across such a person; they seem as rare as the average mythical creature. Sure, I'm a lot more of a mess than some, that goes without saying. I've come a long, long way though, from where I started. But that doesn't matter to anyone at all. I don't get credit for the miles I've already come, all that matters to anyone is where I am now, what is happening now, right this very minute. Nevermind the fact that I've already put more miles onto my soul than many people do in their entire lives, that means nothing. It must be nice for you to start at zero. Meanwhile, I look all around me, surveying the rubble... trying to build a beautiful castle out of nothing but broken rock.
that said, on with the rant: I'm a mess. I'm aware of that. I'm not actually sure I would recognize someone who wasn't if I came across such a person; they seem as rare as the average mythical creature. Sure, I'm a lot more of a mess than some, that goes without saying. I've come a long, long way though, from where I started. But that doesn't matter to anyone at all. I don't get credit for the miles I've already come, all that matters to anyone is where I am now, what is happening now, right this very minute. Nevermind the fact that I've already put more miles onto my soul than many people do in their entire lives, that means nothing. It must be nice for you to start at zero. Meanwhile, I look all around me, surveying the rubble... trying to build a beautiful castle out of nothing but broken rock.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
wtf is my problem????
Ok, I've been trying really hard to hide it... but this is killing me... I really believed in you... I was so sure... and thinking that you're really gone this time is so unbelievably painful that it literally knocks the wind out of my chest... i don't know where you are, what you're thinking... you probably hate me... but i have never been more sure about anyone than i was about you... i can't stop thinking about you and i still don't think i want to, but i guess i have to let you go...
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
former coping mechanism
Going Under lyrics
Songwriters: Hodges, David; Lee, Amy; Moody, Ben;
Now I will tell you what I've done for you
Fifty thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me, going under
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily, defeated by you
Just when I thought, I reached the bottom
I'm dying again, I'm going under
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever
I've got to break through, I'm going under
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again, I'm going under
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever
I've got to break through, I'm
So go on and scream
Scream at me, I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under
I'm dying again, I'm going under
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever
I've got to break through, I'm going under
Going under, I'm going under
Songwriters: Hodges, David; Lee, Amy; Moody, Ben;
Now I will tell you what I've done for you
Fifty thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me, going under
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily, defeated by you
Just when I thought, I reached the bottom
I'm dying again, I'm going under
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever
I've got to break through, I'm going under
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again, I'm going under
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever
I've got to break through, I'm
So go on and scream
Scream at me, I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under
I'm dying again, I'm going under
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever
I've got to break through, I'm going under
Going under, I'm going under
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I never write the good stuff here....
I've always just used this blog as a dumping ground, and never put down any of the good thoughts that I have here. Really, that's because the good thoughts aren't bothering me! Also, I tend to share those freely with everyone. Anyway, I feel like sharing with you, so here goes.
I feel hopeful lately. I feel that even though the pieces aren't falling where I expected them to, they are laying the tile to create the path for the future. I feel that the mistakes that I am making today are teaching me the lessons that I will need to learn to be fully prepared for the good things (read: better things) that the future holds for me. The people that I am scaring off, or shaking off, are people that would have created more hurt in the long run, because they weren't in it for the real me. I am hopeful.
Lately, I have been seeing the world a little differently. Perhaps this thinking is the same kind of different, but more refined. If I lose my job tomorrow, that will free me up for something that I might be more suited to. If my apartment burns down, well, maybe it was time to be moving on. If something isn't going to work, there isn't any sense in forcing it. Someone was recently advising that I learn to go with the flow more. I told him that he might not know me enough see it, but I am already there. Maybe I need to continue to refine it, but I am already walking that path. Sometimes it's frustrating when someone doesn't see how far your path was, but that's ok. Those who are really in it will stick around and see. Those who don't really aren't worth the trouble, because they never will be.
Come to think of it, this all started with "Learning To Smile", my very first post here. That was the true start of my path. I have made a lot of progress throughout the years, surviving cancer, trying to save the people that I loved, taking care of my mother and my child etc... but around the time of that post, my eyes really opened to the concept of living for myself and taking responsibility for my own actions.
Anyway... rambling haha
I feel hopeful. All the men who leave me, the jobs that fire me, the friends who walk away... they are all laying the groundwork for the things that will pan out.
I feel hopeful lately. I feel that even though the pieces aren't falling where I expected them to, they are laying the tile to create the path for the future. I feel that the mistakes that I am making today are teaching me the lessons that I will need to learn to be fully prepared for the good things (read: better things) that the future holds for me. The people that I am scaring off, or shaking off, are people that would have created more hurt in the long run, because they weren't in it for the real me. I am hopeful.
Lately, I have been seeing the world a little differently. Perhaps this thinking is the same kind of different, but more refined. If I lose my job tomorrow, that will free me up for something that I might be more suited to. If my apartment burns down, well, maybe it was time to be moving on. If something isn't going to work, there isn't any sense in forcing it. Someone was recently advising that I learn to go with the flow more. I told him that he might not know me enough see it, but I am already there. Maybe I need to continue to refine it, but I am already walking that path. Sometimes it's frustrating when someone doesn't see how far your path was, but that's ok. Those who are really in it will stick around and see. Those who don't really aren't worth the trouble, because they never will be.
Come to think of it, this all started with "Learning To Smile", my very first post here. That was the true start of my path. I have made a lot of progress throughout the years, surviving cancer, trying to save the people that I loved, taking care of my mother and my child etc... but around the time of that post, my eyes really opened to the concept of living for myself and taking responsibility for my own actions.
Anyway... rambling haha
I feel hopeful. All the men who leave me, the jobs that fire me, the friends who walk away... they are all laying the groundwork for the things that will pan out.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
loss
i can't deal with this. wtf?!? it's been 23 hours, and it's not easier. in fact, i think it's harder.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
i don't know how to date
No, really... Whatever I do seems to be the wrong thing. I think I scared you off already. That was quick.
I'm fucking done!!
Life, the days of you kicking my ass are oficially over. You've been warned. Changes will be made.
Monday, October 26, 2009
you
i think that upon meeting every person that i ever dated, my first thought was somewhere along the lines of, "well you're a heartbreak waiting to happen, but i'll try anyway". When I first "met" you, I thought, "OMG I have to know this person." When I think about you, I can hardly wait to know you more, and the more I learn about you, the more I start to think I might really like to love you someday. I have never ever felt that way before. Actually, I feel a lot of things with you that I've never felt before. Ha ha I usually get a sense of impending doom when I think of starting something with someone. I have a really good feeling about you, though.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
fuck it?
This entry shall hereby contain the following elements: unintelligible rambling, angry ranting that no one cares about, and odd streams of thought that do not appear to fit together to anyone other than the writer. By reading this, you hereby agree that 1) this entry need not make sense and 2) that if you feel damaged in some way after reading this, it's YOUR OWN FUCKING PROBLEM!!! The writer, therefore, assumes no personal responsibility for your reactions to what appears here, and you should GET THE FUCK OVER IT.
With that out of the way, I didn't have a very good day today, and frankly, everyone I spoke to made it worse. People suck. Vodka, on the other hand, fucking rocks. In the past weeks, my mind has driven itself many years into the future, to attempt to read what it might hold. Unfortunately, all I accomplished was creating even more confusion, and unraveling many decisions that I thought were set in stone for me. A long hard look at the possible sacrifices that I was willing to make for a career I'm not 100% sure I am committed to proved a need for re-evaluation. Initially, the decision was made assuming that there was nothing there to sacrifice, and that it was unlikely that anything could ever be. If this doesn't make sense to you, it's because it isn't supposed to. Anyway, the past few weeks appeared to be showing me otherwise, that maybe there was some kind of hope... At the moment, I doubt that... I'm just too screwed up for you or anyone else...
My mind is running in circles. Hopefully I can slow it down some. "Probably not, I know why... Can't explain me..."
With that out of the way, I didn't have a very good day today, and frankly, everyone I spoke to made it worse. People suck. Vodka, on the other hand, fucking rocks. In the past weeks, my mind has driven itself many years into the future, to attempt to read what it might hold. Unfortunately, all I accomplished was creating even more confusion, and unraveling many decisions that I thought were set in stone for me. A long hard look at the possible sacrifices that I was willing to make for a career I'm not 100% sure I am committed to proved a need for re-evaluation. Initially, the decision was made assuming that there was nothing there to sacrifice, and that it was unlikely that anything could ever be. If this doesn't make sense to you, it's because it isn't supposed to. Anyway, the past few weeks appeared to be showing me otherwise, that maybe there was some kind of hope... At the moment, I doubt that... I'm just too screwed up for you or anyone else...
My mind is running in circles. Hopefully I can slow it down some. "Probably not, I know why... Can't explain me..."
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I have absolutely nothing to complain about.
It's really weird. Work is good, and busy enough to pay well... Home is... really messy, but good. School is officially on next quarter, everything is more or less ready... My daughter is great, she always is.
I have nothing to complain about, and thus, nothing to write here. Nice spam, btw. LMFAO. You guys have come up with some pretty good nicknames, too. "Fuckstick" will forever be a part of my vocabulary, courtesy of you, anonymous reader.
Oh, anonymous reader, your insults aplenty and completely incomprehensible. Where would the average blog be without you? Nowhere, that's where. You kick ass. You bring life to an anger-soggy and essentially useless blog. It is you, anonymous reader, who brings fun to my snorefest of a blog. You are the punchline to the cruel joke that is my life.
So thank you anonymous reader, for gracing this waste of webspace with your unintelligible insults, bizarre porn-spam, and of course, the occasional artfully concise point. I like readers.
end rant.
I have nothing to complain about, and thus, nothing to write here. Nice spam, btw. LMFAO. You guys have come up with some pretty good nicknames, too. "Fuckstick" will forever be a part of my vocabulary, courtesy of you, anonymous reader.
Oh, anonymous reader, your insults aplenty and completely incomprehensible. Where would the average blog be without you? Nowhere, that's where. You kick ass. You bring life to an anger-soggy and essentially useless blog. It is you, anonymous reader, who brings fun to my snorefest of a blog. You are the punchline to the cruel joke that is my life.
So thank you anonymous reader, for gracing this waste of webspace with your unintelligible insults, bizarre porn-spam, and of course, the occasional artfully concise point. I like readers.
end rant.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
???
I don't really get work politics and crap-talking. Seems like a waste of time and energy to me. Whatever gets you through the day, I guess...
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Aaaaaaaaaaaagh
So. Fucking. Frustrated.
Money is a cage. Or at least mine is.
C.R.E.A.M.
I can no longer tell if I pushed everyone away or they chose not to bother.
I don't "fit". Anywhere.
I feel homeless. Still.
And disappointing your kid, constantly because you don't have the money to clothe her, let alone afford all the little luxuries the other kids have... Let me tell ya... Running out of milk and having the daycare saying she isn't fed right... She's eating, isn't she? Not everyone is... Half the time, I'm not.
Fuck, I'm tired of not even being able to drive to the goddamned park. The worst part is that I have a good job. The last job I had paid half as much. I've never had a better one, I don't think I even had vacation before. Too bad I end up using it at her 80,000,000 doctor's appointments. I can't afford to go anywhere anyway... Apparently, I'm still at 30% of the median in my area. Whatever. I don't know about all that. I know "Sorry honey, we don't have gas/money/food" like the sentence was fucking pre-programmed.
Looking for cheaper rent. Subsidies are always gone. Have to take time off to finish applying. Over-time is available, and I can't even work it. Law that's supposed to help children by keeping me home and broke. What good am I to my daughter when I can't support her? I love the idea of spending more time with her, but maybe I could earn a little first, so I can buy her milk? Public assistance is like a puzzle once you're there. I'm constantly rearranging pieces trying to get off of it, every time, something doesn't fit.
I'm sick of feeling like a fucking alien, like I can't relate to anyone. My mind has no home, no roots to share, no cultural attitudes to guide... I got nothing. Sometimes the nasty words my brain takes in swirl around, and I remember them all at once... Most of the time, I think "Who says that? Seriously? Wtf?" but then I remember that it's everyone. That throws me. Because if it's everyone... it's me, isn't it? They can't all be that bad...
Money is a cage. Or at least mine is.
C.R.E.A.M.
I can no longer tell if I pushed everyone away or they chose not to bother.
I don't "fit". Anywhere.
I feel homeless. Still.
And disappointing your kid, constantly because you don't have the money to clothe her, let alone afford all the little luxuries the other kids have... Let me tell ya... Running out of milk and having the daycare saying she isn't fed right... She's eating, isn't she? Not everyone is... Half the time, I'm not.
Fuck, I'm tired of not even being able to drive to the goddamned park. The worst part is that I have a good job. The last job I had paid half as much. I've never had a better one, I don't think I even had vacation before. Too bad I end up using it at her 80,000,000 doctor's appointments. I can't afford to go anywhere anyway... Apparently, I'm still at 30% of the median in my area. Whatever. I don't know about all that. I know "Sorry honey, we don't have gas/money/food" like the sentence was fucking pre-programmed.
Looking for cheaper rent. Subsidies are always gone. Have to take time off to finish applying. Over-time is available, and I can't even work it. Law that's supposed to help children by keeping me home and broke. What good am I to my daughter when I can't support her? I love the idea of spending more time with her, but maybe I could earn a little first, so I can buy her milk? Public assistance is like a puzzle once you're there. I'm constantly rearranging pieces trying to get off of it, every time, something doesn't fit.
I'm sick of feeling like a fucking alien, like I can't relate to anyone. My mind has no home, no roots to share, no cultural attitudes to guide... I got nothing. Sometimes the nasty words my brain takes in swirl around, and I remember them all at once... Most of the time, I think "Who says that? Seriously? Wtf?" but then I remember that it's everyone. That throws me. Because if it's everyone... it's me, isn't it? They can't all be that bad...
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Do NOT give this company your information
https://www.amnestyfinancial.com/index.php?
You WILL be charged for services you have never heard of.
You WILL be charged for services you have never heard of.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I forgot to post this?
I recently heard that there is some sort of attraction in Seattle that was voted the second germiest attraction in the country.
Maybe it's because I am a scientist, or maybe I'm just stubborn, but whenever I hear claims like that I feel the need to dispute the validity of the argument. Who were these alleged voters? What, specifically constitutes an "attraction"? By the previous definition, is it possible that there might be some "attractions" that people didn't think of, because they weren't aware of them or didn't remember them? Wouldn't it be better to actually quantify the germ level of each place? Why do objects like doorknobs and other pieces of objects (like the tail, and other specific parts) end up on these lists? The doorknob isn't the attraction, though I can certainly see that it'd carry more germs than the rest of it.
Where was I going with this?
Oh yeah... Last year, I threw some seeds into a potted plant, and they recently came up. I was pretty happy, since they were seeds from a tropical fruit that I ate from the grocery store last year. It's weird that they over-wintered like that.
Last year, in the spring maybe, I threw them in to see what would happen. Nothing, of course. A few months later, I put a teabag in the soil to give the plant some extra whatever. The seeds that were still under that teabag eventually started to mold, and now they have sprouted. Bad to breathe (ewwwwwww) but still cool science.
I am literally awestruck by the delicacy that is both the resilience and the fragility of life. It bends my mind in a way, trying to comprehend either side of it. The way that life ends so abruptly sometimes, despite all of our efforts to preserve it is both sad and confusing, and yet I see both a sharp contrast and a strong similarity to it's strange propensity to persevere through seemingly impossible odds...
Maybe it's because I am a scientist, or maybe I'm just stubborn, but whenever I hear claims like that I feel the need to dispute the validity of the argument. Who were these alleged voters? What, specifically constitutes an "attraction"? By the previous definition, is it possible that there might be some "attractions" that people didn't think of, because they weren't aware of them or didn't remember them? Wouldn't it be better to actually quantify the germ level of each place? Why do objects like doorknobs and other pieces of objects (like the tail, and other specific parts) end up on these lists? The doorknob isn't the attraction, though I can certainly see that it'd carry more germs than the rest of it.
Where was I going with this?
Oh yeah... Last year, I threw some seeds into a potted plant, and they recently came up. I was pretty happy, since they were seeds from a tropical fruit that I ate from the grocery store last year. It's weird that they over-wintered like that.
Last year, in the spring maybe, I threw them in to see what would happen. Nothing, of course. A few months later, I put a teabag in the soil to give the plant some extra whatever. The seeds that were still under that teabag eventually started to mold, and now they have sprouted. Bad to breathe (ewwwwwww) but still cool science.
I am literally awestruck by the delicacy that is both the resilience and the fragility of life. It bends my mind in a way, trying to comprehend either side of it. The way that life ends so abruptly sometimes, despite all of our efforts to preserve it is both sad and confusing, and yet I see both a sharp contrast and a strong similarity to it's strange propensity to persevere through seemingly impossible odds...
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I had a cool dream
And since I'm absolutely sure no one wants to hear about it, I guess I'll post it here.
I can't remember the details, I'm actually not even sure they were ever there at all. Here is what I can remember. I was standing next to a large, horizontal wheel, like on a game show. On each of the pie slices that made up the wheel, there was a possible dream that I could have, and my spin would determine the subject of my dream. It was like a game show, except that I had total control over the wheel's landing point. Each time I spun, it went exactly where I told it to go, and each subject it landed on was, indeed, the dream that followed until I chose to stop the dream and choose another one. This was a lucid dream, and throughout the dream, I kept thinking, "This is kinda cool. I'm having a lucid dream in the form of a weird metaphor about lucid dreaming".
I don't know why I felt the need to share that, I just thought it was kinda cool. I've always been interested in the way the brain works, though.
I can't remember the details, I'm actually not even sure they were ever there at all. Here is what I can remember. I was standing next to a large, horizontal wheel, like on a game show. On each of the pie slices that made up the wheel, there was a possible dream that I could have, and my spin would determine the subject of my dream. It was like a game show, except that I had total control over the wheel's landing point. Each time I spun, it went exactly where I told it to go, and each subject it landed on was, indeed, the dream that followed until I chose to stop the dream and choose another one. This was a lucid dream, and throughout the dream, I kept thinking, "This is kinda cool. I'm having a lucid dream in the form of a weird metaphor about lucid dreaming".
I don't know why I felt the need to share that, I just thought it was kinda cool. I've always been interested in the way the brain works, though.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Although I have not yet given birth to the proper phrasing, I have decided exactly what I would like to talk at you about the next time I'm here.
I will give my personal analysis on people who spew forth raw, unbridled rage at innocent bystanders regularly for reasons not apparent to those around them. Granted the reasons are obviously going to be individual and personal, but there is a definitive common thread, I'm sure. This information with be posted after undergoing rigorous research, development, analysis and testing, most of which will take place inside the dank abyss that is my head.
I've decided not to bother with this one after all.
I will give my personal analysis on people who spew forth raw, unbridled rage at innocent bystanders regularly for reasons not apparent to those around them. Granted the reasons are obviously going to be individual and personal, but there is a definitive common thread, I'm sure. This information with be posted after undergoing rigorous research, development, analysis and testing, most of which will take place inside the dank abyss that is my head.
I've decided not to bother with this one after all.
useless drivel
If anyone is wondering, the poetry or whatever it is was written a very, very long time ago.
That said, I guess I will continue, easing into some sort of bizarre, incoherent and possibly vaguely interesting rant. I don't often have anything to say, really. When I do, I'm hard pressed to find anyone willing to listen. That's where you come in. I suppose I really don't need an audience, and in many ways, I'd prefer to remain without one. However, whatever it is I do here, however rarely I do it, is an outward expression of something. What that something is, well, that's another story for another day.
Either way, since I mainly keep my thoughts to myself, it seems important somehow to indulge the desire to *not* keep my thoughts to myself should it surface. Additionally, perhaps restraining my thoughts isn't a good thing. Certainly, in many situations, it is. I believe diplomacy has a strong value in a society. I'll even go so far as to say that I view it as sacred on some level. Without diplomacy, I really believe there would be even more wars than there already are. This is however, the very likely flawed logic of a hardcore feeler - just don't ever tell anyone I admitted that. I'll deny it. There is no need to correct me, if I wanted intellectual sparring, I could have easily taken this matter elsewhere. No, that thought is just another random one that happened to show up in this episode of the stream of my consciousness, and I was kind enough to share it with you - though I doubt you want it - because without consciousness, what are we?
The high-speed freight train that is my thought process has left it's track and is now MIA. In other words, I digress...
Thus far, this blog has been a place for me to dump darkness. You can expect more in the future, because to me, the only thing an external expression of these thoughts is good for is relief. It gets the thoughts out of my brain, and forces me out of a loop. The psychologist in me is wont to debate various aspects of my personality as a result of this revelation, for several reasons, however, this matter is unimportant; as it is totally irrelevant to the subject (haha, if you're paying attention, you know there isn't one...) at hand.
I'm hungry, so I'm done now. I'll come back when I have something worth saying.
That said, I guess I will continue, easing into some sort of bizarre, incoherent and possibly vaguely interesting rant. I don't often have anything to say, really. When I do, I'm hard pressed to find anyone willing to listen. That's where you come in. I suppose I really don't need an audience, and in many ways, I'd prefer to remain without one. However, whatever it is I do here, however rarely I do it, is an outward expression of something. What that something is, well, that's another story for another day.
Either way, since I mainly keep my thoughts to myself, it seems important somehow to indulge the desire to *not* keep my thoughts to myself should it surface. Additionally, perhaps restraining my thoughts isn't a good thing. Certainly, in many situations, it is. I believe diplomacy has a strong value in a society. I'll even go so far as to say that I view it as sacred on some level. Without diplomacy, I really believe there would be even more wars than there already are. This is however, the very likely flawed logic of a hardcore feeler - just don't ever tell anyone I admitted that. I'll deny it. There is no need to correct me, if I wanted intellectual sparring, I could have easily taken this matter elsewhere. No, that thought is just another random one that happened to show up in this episode of the stream of my consciousness, and I was kind enough to share it with you - though I doubt you want it - because without consciousness, what are we?
The high-speed freight train that is my thought process has left it's track and is now MIA. In other words, I digress...
Thus far, this blog has been a place for me to dump darkness. You can expect more in the future, because to me, the only thing an external expression of these thoughts is good for is relief. It gets the thoughts out of my brain, and forces me out of a loop. The psychologist in me is wont to debate various aspects of my personality as a result of this revelation, for several reasons, however, this matter is unimportant; as it is totally irrelevant to the subject (haha, if you're paying attention, you know there isn't one...) at hand.
I'm hungry, so I'm done now. I'll come back when I have something worth saying.
away
too much rational thought
clouds out the conversation
too many times we've fought
wars for nothing
alcohol too thick to see through
your logic I can't follow
but I did it all for you
i lost everything today
stood up for what I believed in
so far away
our twisted minds prevent resolution
the simplest problems
held in restitution
can't win for losing
left it all in dissolution
i gave up today
lost it all
couldn't meet me halfway
you gave up today
nothing was real
you never cared anyway
lost in the desert
I thirst for life
while you drown yourself in alcohol
nothing but a lot of strife
throw it away
walked away in doubt
all alone anyway
my voice has no clout
i gave up today
lost it all
wouldn't meet me halfway
couldn't be
you don't care anyway
shouldn't be
i didn't ask for much
just wanted you
without your crutch
clouds out the conversation
too many times we've fought
wars for nothing
alcohol too thick to see through
your logic I can't follow
but I did it all for you
i lost everything today
stood up for what I believed in
so far away
our twisted minds prevent resolution
the simplest problems
held in restitution
can't win for losing
left it all in dissolution
i gave up today
lost it all
couldn't meet me halfway
you gave up today
nothing was real
you never cared anyway
lost in the desert
I thirst for life
while you drown yourself in alcohol
nothing but a lot of strife
throw it away
walked away in doubt
all alone anyway
my voice has no clout
i gave up today
lost it all
wouldn't meet me halfway
couldn't be
you don't care anyway
shouldn't be
i didn't ask for much
just wanted you
without your crutch
end
i drove your car off the bridge
i'm still here, a lifeless mess
i slit my wrists to bleed out all the pain
still here, i carry no less
verdict's in, i'll hang for this, your way
lucky me, the noose broke
now I can cry another day
i shot myself this morning
so i couldn't feel anymore
a life with no warning
i drowned in the atlantic
swimming with the fish
i froze to death in the antarctic
buried with the penguins, as you wish
i can't fix it, there's nothing to fix
the hole inside you is all your own
all i can do is apologize
and you can reap what you've sown
so i'm sorry, that the car floated
when it should have sunk, under there
and i'm sorry, that they stitched my wrists
im sorry that i didn't kick the chair
im sorry that i used a 22
should have used a 45
sorry i could swim
sorry i am still alive
sorry for the snow melt
now i can cry another day
so angry
i am always in your way
sorry i missed the point
sorry it missed me
i'm still here, a lifeless mess
i slit my wrists to bleed out all the pain
still here, i carry no less
verdict's in, i'll hang for this, your way
lucky me, the noose broke
now I can cry another day
i shot myself this morning
so i couldn't feel anymore
a life with no warning
i drowned in the atlantic
swimming with the fish
i froze to death in the antarctic
buried with the penguins, as you wish
i can't fix it, there's nothing to fix
the hole inside you is all your own
all i can do is apologize
and you can reap what you've sown
so i'm sorry, that the car floated
when it should have sunk, under there
and i'm sorry, that they stitched my wrists
im sorry that i didn't kick the chair
im sorry that i used a 22
should have used a 45
sorry i could swim
sorry i am still alive
sorry for the snow melt
now i can cry another day
so angry
i am always in your way
sorry i missed the point
sorry it missed me
Saturday, April 18, 2009
I hate my life. I am miserable.
I want nothing more than to change all the things that bother me and though I try to remain hopeful, and usually do, I am powerless to do so. I can't make enough money to support my child, because I don't have the skills necessary to get a job that pays a "family wage". I haven't really even gained any useful knowledge from life. I didn't even attend high school. I almost finished a two year degree at a tech college, I liked college. I want to go back to school, but have NO help with my daughter, and thus I have no one to watch her while I attend classes. I don't even have anyone to pick her up for me if I'm late.
Most of the colleges that I have found do not have on site daycares that serve children over five. My daughter is six. She is currently maxed out in daycare hours just for me to go to work. I love my job, and there is nothing wrong with what I get paid, I got a great starting wage. The only problem is that I already have a family to support. When your career and family life aren't parallel, there are obvious issues. It isn't my boss's fault that I chose to have a child with someone who decided to disappear, offering little or no help at all. That's my fault, I know. I was very young when I chose him, and I actually didn't know that there were people out there who were any different from him, or I might have seen through him. I really thought his behavior was normal.
I don't have very many friends, the few that I do have really don't understand me at all. I don't mean that in a miscommunication sense, either, I mean they don't have the capacity to (in some ways, don't get me wrong, they're great people, but let's just say our gifts differ), and they don't appear to want to. As a result, I often feel like I don't have anyone I can *really* talk to. I'm not very close with my family, my family consists of mainly my mother and my sister. There isn't really anyone else that is close by (or open) enough to try. Visiting out of state costs more than I can spare, and saving up only works if you make enough to pay for what you need, as I understand it. My mother and my sister are at each other's throats each time they are near each other. Any time we are all together, I cannot be heard, because I *physically* cannot speak that loudly. I have my daughter, who I love dearly, and I am very close to, but this isn't her burden to carry.
New people, I often have trouble with, too. People don't like me. They tend to come to me when they're upset, but they don't want to know me, or talk to me, or anything else. I seem to be judged very quickly (before I even get a chance to open my mouth) when I meet people, and generally not positively. Most commonly, people decide that I'm boring or dumb. Other people's opinions are difficult to change, and if someone decides they hate you that quickly, do you really want to spend your time changing their mind? Apparently, I'm not scary, animals and children (especially babies) love me. People, on the other hand... I love people, and I genuinely care about them, but they don't seem to return that sentiment at all. Normal social situations, to me, look like a bunch of people trying really hard to fulfill various social roles. It feels very fake, like they are playing a part in a play. I hate fake. Anyway, since I have no one to watch my child, I'm limited to people who like children. It'd be easier, I'd guess, to try to spend time with someone else who has children, since there'd be a level of understanding not otherwise present. It'd be nice to be understood. I don't mean if people would understand what I say, that part isn't that hard, I can tailor what I say to the listener's needs, if I know who they are. I mean on a much deeper level.
I'm too old to have accomplished almost nothing.
I want nothing more than to change all the things that bother me and though I try to remain hopeful, and usually do, I am powerless to do so. I can't make enough money to support my child, because I don't have the skills necessary to get a job that pays a "family wage". I haven't really even gained any useful knowledge from life. I didn't even attend high school. I almost finished a two year degree at a tech college, I liked college. I want to go back to school, but have NO help with my daughter, and thus I have no one to watch her while I attend classes. I don't even have anyone to pick her up for me if I'm late.
Most of the colleges that I have found do not have on site daycares that serve children over five. My daughter is six. She is currently maxed out in daycare hours just for me to go to work. I love my job, and there is nothing wrong with what I get paid, I got a great starting wage. The only problem is that I already have a family to support. When your career and family life aren't parallel, there are obvious issues. It isn't my boss's fault that I chose to have a child with someone who decided to disappear, offering little or no help at all. That's my fault, I know. I was very young when I chose him, and I actually didn't know that there were people out there who were any different from him, or I might have seen through him. I really thought his behavior was normal.
I don't have very many friends, the few that I do have really don't understand me at all. I don't mean that in a miscommunication sense, either, I mean they don't have the capacity to (in some ways, don't get me wrong, they're great people, but let's just say our gifts differ), and they don't appear to want to. As a result, I often feel like I don't have anyone I can *really* talk to. I'm not very close with my family, my family consists of mainly my mother and my sister. There isn't really anyone else that is close by (or open) enough to try. Visiting out of state costs more than I can spare, and saving up only works if you make enough to pay for what you need, as I understand it. My mother and my sister are at each other's throats each time they are near each other. Any time we are all together, I cannot be heard, because I *physically* cannot speak that loudly. I have my daughter, who I love dearly, and I am very close to, but this isn't her burden to carry.
New people, I often have trouble with, too. People don't like me. They tend to come to me when they're upset, but they don't want to know me, or talk to me, or anything else. I seem to be judged very quickly (before I even get a chance to open my mouth) when I meet people, and generally not positively. Most commonly, people decide that I'm boring or dumb. Other people's opinions are difficult to change, and if someone decides they hate you that quickly, do you really want to spend your time changing their mind? Apparently, I'm not scary, animals and children (especially babies) love me. People, on the other hand... I love people, and I genuinely care about them, but they don't seem to return that sentiment at all. Normal social situations, to me, look like a bunch of people trying really hard to fulfill various social roles. It feels very fake, like they are playing a part in a play. I hate fake. Anyway, since I have no one to watch my child, I'm limited to people who like children. It'd be easier, I'd guess, to try to spend time with someone else who has children, since there'd be a level of understanding not otherwise present. It'd be nice to be understood. I don't mean if people would understand what I say, that part isn't that hard, I can tailor what I say to the listener's needs, if I know who they are. I mean on a much deeper level.
I'm too old to have accomplished almost nothing.
Friday, April 17, 2009
I love you, too, you asshole.
Everyone treats me like utter garbage. Then they wonder why I am often so reclusive. Random strangers single me out to attack (alternatively, they ask me for advice). Angry people are drawn to me, and they bully me. Most people bully me, to some degree. It seems like they aim to pick me apart the moment they lay eyes on me (or ears, or my words in a forum, or whatever other form, to those of you who will take me literally).
I'm not weak, in fact, when I finally get mad in return, I am a force to be reckoned with. I can be a truly horrible person to be around once you've done something to anger me. It takes a whole hell of a lot to get there, though, since my usual response to the things other people do is, "well, I can see where you're coming from... I guess I understand". I get told that I'm boring a lot... That's a bit random, but so is the rest of this post.
I don't have low self esteem... If I did, I'd be bothered by my own company. In fact, I'm quite content with my own company. There's a sort of horror in dealing with the outside world. Paradoxically, I'm drawn to other people, and give them everything they ask. In the past, I have been a terrible judge of character... Or maybe more accurately, I knew I was with horrible people, but was determined to fix them. I convinced myself that it was possible, and stubbornly resisted reality, which very clearly displayed otherwise. I was superhuman, and love could save their mortal souls, if given correctly.
I am fervently drawn to help others. My first job was in food service, not because that's "what you do" (I never got that sort of thing), but because I saw it as an opportunity to help people. I could "fix" the hungry people I came in contact with. I could make their day just a little brighter. I loved that. I love making people smile, I love making people happy. All of the jobs that I have held, ever, have been service oriented, because I am.
Bottom line, I love me. I'm great. However, I'm drawn to make others happy, that is what makes me happy. To some degree. Solving a global issue like world hunger would make me much happier. Global issues are on my mind all the time, and are the majority of the subjects that I will discuss passionately. I am uncomfortable with anything that resembles an argument. I feels discordant. I am screwed up enough that I have, at times, let that desire, maybe the very core of what makes me the amazing person that I am, very nearly destroy me. I guess I kinda tend to do the same thing physically, too...
I have since given up the desire to "fix" individuals, for both logistic and emotional reasons... By logistic, what I really mean is common sense and self preservation. For one thing, I can do far greater things for humanity if I don't let some idiot kill me, not to mention the fact that no one deserves some of the crap I've taken. I'm still willing to help people to some degree, of course, I'm just more careful about who it is now. I think that's all I wanted to say right now.
I'm not weak, in fact, when I finally get mad in return, I am a force to be reckoned with. I can be a truly horrible person to be around once you've done something to anger me. It takes a whole hell of a lot to get there, though, since my usual response to the things other people do is, "well, I can see where you're coming from... I guess I understand". I get told that I'm boring a lot... That's a bit random, but so is the rest of this post.
I don't have low self esteem... If I did, I'd be bothered by my own company. In fact, I'm quite content with my own company. There's a sort of horror in dealing with the outside world. Paradoxically, I'm drawn to other people, and give them everything they ask. In the past, I have been a terrible judge of character... Or maybe more accurately, I knew I was with horrible people, but was determined to fix them. I convinced myself that it was possible, and stubbornly resisted reality, which very clearly displayed otherwise. I was superhuman, and love could save their mortal souls, if given correctly.
I am fervently drawn to help others. My first job was in food service, not because that's "what you do" (I never got that sort of thing), but because I saw it as an opportunity to help people. I could "fix" the hungry people I came in contact with. I could make their day just a little brighter. I loved that. I love making people smile, I love making people happy. All of the jobs that I have held, ever, have been service oriented, because I am.
Bottom line, I love me. I'm great. However, I'm drawn to make others happy, that is what makes me happy. To some degree. Solving a global issue like world hunger would make me much happier. Global issues are on my mind all the time, and are the majority of the subjects that I will discuss passionately. I am uncomfortable with anything that resembles an argument. I feels discordant. I am screwed up enough that I have, at times, let that desire, maybe the very core of what makes me the amazing person that I am, very nearly destroy me. I guess I kinda tend to do the same thing physically, too...
I have since given up the desire to "fix" individuals, for both logistic and emotional reasons... By logistic, what I really mean is common sense and self preservation. For one thing, I can do far greater things for humanity if I don't let some idiot kill me, not to mention the fact that no one deserves some of the crap I've taken. I'm still willing to help people to some degree, of course, I'm just more careful about who it is now. I think that's all I wanted to say right now.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
learning to smile
Recently, I have decided that it is time I start reading whatever I want into the words spoken by discouraging folks around me.
"No, really, I do know what you meant by that. That doesn't mean I have to care."
I'm so tired of people attempting to talk me out of things, or into things, into thinking I am less than they are, or less than they think I should be for whatever reason...
"You're attempting a bachelor's degree when you couldn't even finish your associates? You want to do WHAT (?!) with the rest of your life? You can't do that... People spend their whole lives preparing to do that. What makes you think you can just wake up one day..." "You won't get in. Why bother trying? You're wasting your time. Quit dreaming and take care of your kid." BLAH BLAH BLAH
"only an idiot could get to be my age without a real, formal education?" Hmmm...that sounds much better as, "Look how far you've gotten with only an unfinished associate degree! Wow. I wonder why I couldn't do that..." Half the time, it probably means something resembling that anyway...
So, recently, my response to criticism has been to take it however I want to. After all, it isn't their life, and they don't really care. They won't be cautiously planning the details of my future. They aren't providing for my life, or anyone in it but themselves. Someone has to...
So, "How could you screw THIS up??" is easily answered by "M-hmm... Yes, I am a quick learner, thanks."
My whole life I have listened to everyone else, and so obediently. The result is not having accomplished the majority of the things I wanted to. Staying within a box that someone else decided was all I could have. Come to think of it, I really don't feel like I have accomplished much at all. Now, there are a few supportive people around me, who upon reading this will say am that I am selling myself short by making this comment. However, deep inside, I know that everything I have accomplished amounts to almost nothing compared to what I CAN accomplish, and that is the point. What I have accomplished thus far, really is relatively normal, meaning that in my circumstances, most people who wanted to undertake the things I have would be successful. I can do better than that.
Most of the people who you'd think would be supportive of me wouldn't agree. So, I go it essentially alone, slowly, I am learning to let the comments of others, outsiders, bounce off of me. I know that since they don't have a clue, their opinions are meaningless.
"I CAN'T do it? But....why?" (sad face)
No more. My choices are owned by me and me alone from this moment forward. Forget your thoughts, advice, etc. I made a mistake? Good. Means I'm learning something. I've always lived with the mentality that all experiences are good because they teach you something. Maybe I was too gray in my definition initially, but the general concept is still with me. My mistakes are my own. They aren't yours, and they aren't your business. Even if I work with you, whatever mistake I make will be solved long before it ever reaches you, so why do you care? How does it really affect you?
See, I've addressed your concern.
"I'm a what..? Oh, yeah, I am pretty smart. Thanks."
Call it denial, whatever floats your boat... See above.
"No, really, I do know what you meant by that. That doesn't mean I have to care."
I'm so tired of people attempting to talk me out of things, or into things, into thinking I am less than they are, or less than they think I should be for whatever reason...
"You're attempting a bachelor's degree when you couldn't even finish your associates? You want to do WHAT (?!) with the rest of your life? You can't do that... People spend their whole lives preparing to do that. What makes you think you can just wake up one day..." "You won't get in. Why bother trying? You're wasting your time. Quit dreaming and take care of your kid." BLAH BLAH BLAH
"only an idiot could get to be my age without a real, formal education?" Hmmm...that sounds much better as, "Look how far you've gotten with only an unfinished associate degree! Wow. I wonder why I couldn't do that..." Half the time, it probably means something resembling that anyway...
So, recently, my response to criticism has been to take it however I want to. After all, it isn't their life, and they don't really care. They won't be cautiously planning the details of my future. They aren't providing for my life, or anyone in it but themselves. Someone has to...
So, "How could you screw THIS up??" is easily answered by "M-hmm... Yes, I am a quick learner, thanks."
My whole life I have listened to everyone else, and so obediently. The result is not having accomplished the majority of the things I wanted to. Staying within a box that someone else decided was all I could have. Come to think of it, I really don't feel like I have accomplished much at all. Now, there are a few supportive people around me, who upon reading this will say am that I am selling myself short by making this comment. However, deep inside, I know that everything I have accomplished amounts to almost nothing compared to what I CAN accomplish, and that is the point. What I have accomplished thus far, really is relatively normal, meaning that in my circumstances, most people who wanted to undertake the things I have would be successful. I can do better than that.
Most of the people who you'd think would be supportive of me wouldn't agree. So, I go it essentially alone, slowly, I am learning to let the comments of others, outsiders, bounce off of me. I know that since they don't have a clue, their opinions are meaningless.
"I CAN'T do it? But....why?" (sad face)
No more. My choices are owned by me and me alone from this moment forward. Forget your thoughts, advice, etc. I made a mistake? Good. Means I'm learning something. I've always lived with the mentality that all experiences are good because they teach you something. Maybe I was too gray in my definition initially, but the general concept is still with me. My mistakes are my own. They aren't yours, and they aren't your business. Even if I work with you, whatever mistake I make will be solved long before it ever reaches you, so why do you care? How does it really affect you?
See, I've addressed your concern.
"I'm a what..? Oh, yeah, I am pretty smart. Thanks."
Call it denial, whatever floats your boat... See above.
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