I would give anything to bring you back... I miss you more than I've ever missed anyone. I'm so glad we were so close, but it's killing me that you're gone... I wish I could fix it, but I can't... There's nothing I can do to bring you back and I don't even know why you died. I don't know if having an answer would help... All I know is I miss you... And you're in my thoughts all day, every day.
I lost my mother almost 14 years ago and not a day goes by that I still don't think about her, mourn for her and wish on a million stars to have just one more minute with her. She was my everything. Please know that you aren't alone in these feelings. Time doesn't make it better, but it allows some healing, enough at least to eventually allow you to scramble and egg, brush your teeth, go the grocery store, etc. I actually thought I was losing my mind at one point. Seriously. I was literally coming apart at the seams and everything felt very surreal. I was also incredibly anxious and having panic attacks non-stop. I eventually was prescribed Paxil. It helped a little bit. Three week after she died I had to force myself to buy dog food and found myself at Petco blubbering and sobbing and telling the check-out lady about my mom. I also bought a kitten while I was there. Why? I have no idea other than I needed something...I tucked that little kitten inside my shirt (sounds weird, I know) and carried him everywhere. It just felt comforting. I still have him and now he weighs twenty pounds is a real sour puss but I will always be grateful for the company.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, truly I am that you are having to go through all of this...you are so young. I was 41, married and had three kids and yet nothing could replace my darling mom. Nothing ever will.
I am a Christian (far from perfect) and I do have the hope and faith that someday I will see her again. I really hope so.
I'm sorry if this feels like an intrusion in any way, shape or form. I happened upon your blog by complete accident looking for something else.
I am sending you warm thoughts and honest prayers. You are not alone.
xo
m
Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words. You must have also been very close to your mother. Not many people can say that. My solace lies in the fact that her last words to me were: "i love you too", even though they were followed with, "now go home and take care of your daughter. I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I'll come home soon". I hope that last part isn't unsettling enough to detract from my point, which is that I hope you have something similar that you can hang onto, like a good memory from those last days... I know it's helped carry me through some stuff.
DeleteThank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words. You must have also been very close to your mother. Not many people can say that. My solace lies in the fact that her last words to me were: "i love you too", even though they were followed with, "now go home and take care of your daughter. I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I'll come home soon". I hope that last part isn't unsettling enough to detract from my point, which is that I hope you have something similar that you can hang onto, like a good memory from those last days... I know it's helped carry me through some stuff.
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