Why is life impossible?

My child is sick again. Before you start thinking I'm being melodramatic, realize that this is a constant struggle in our household. Here's the pattern: she gets a virus, has a fever for the first 8-10 days, and then her asthma kicks in. It usually necessitates prednisone, or some other at-home-only kind of treatment. On average, each stupid cold or virus typically results in a two week time loss. Within days, she has another something, and the process begins anew.

This is why I lost my job - now over a year ago.

We're kinda fucked, I think; because in order for me to show up every day, I'd need some sort of nanny with healthcare training. She qualifies as "disabled", but my meager unemployment is "too much" for us to get any help from them. Their limit is $600 a month anyway, and as stated before; if you have anything else, you can't get it.

In addition to the aforementioned problems, I'm constantly terrified, because her condition is life-threatening. If you've ever seen a small child turn blue and drop to the floor, you'll know what I mean.

Add to this the CONSTANT judgement from folks who think I'm "milking the system" - INCLUDING some of the very people who are supposed to be helping; and maybe you'll understand my frustration...

Does anyone know of any LEGITIMATE work-at-home jobs? I'm out of ideas here...

revenge of the inner child?

So I threw a tantrum today.
I threw a tantrum and killed it.
I was way out of line, and I over-reacted.

I was sad to see it go.
I'm still sad, but I'll be ok.
I had no right to say the things that I said.
But the monster inside took over
and I didn't see it coming
so I couldn't stop it.

I think that these tantrums
come from fear

I think that I fear loss
and this very fear
is a self-fulfilling prophecy
because it causes the loss
the minute I feel the fear.

So, this time, it's all my fault
and I'm sorry

and in the future, i will remember
that I have to let it unfold.
tearing it open will kill it

I have to let it unfold, in just the way it is going to
or I risk causing the very thing I fear

Another factor, I imagine; is a certain degree of insecurity.
Life has taught me, many times over; that people will not like me for who I am, and they will leave me.
Unfortunately, these lessons seemed to come at random times.
Much like hitting a dog for something it did four hours ago only teaches the dog to fear you,
many of my previous relationships with people have caused me to fear people, in a sense.
I bet a lot of it stems from things with my father...

Anyway...
I chased you away because I was afraid I would lose you.
All I can offer in repentance is a heartfelt, "I'm sorry", which of course changes nothing.
So, because I care about you and respect you, I will respect your wishes, whatever they be.

In my future, whether you choose to be around for it or not, I will include more time spent with friends and family, more time spent on my own interests, and more time spent accomplishing my goals. I was already heading in that direction, but this is a lesson I think I will not forget. I finally found someone who genuinely wanted to know me, and who treated me with respect, and supported my ambitions, and I couldn't figure out how to be with him. I am sad, but this is fantastic motivation to fix me, and that's exactly what I'll do.

This is to all you single mom bashers out there

First off, I'm sick to death of listening to you people whine (particularly to ME) about how the likes of people like me are ruining your lives. I'm sick of hearing about how you THINK you are being made to pay for MY child.

Secondly, consider this, if you will: NO ONE chooses to be a single mom. Done effectively, it's one of the hardest jobs out there, undeniably. We all end up this way for a reason, though. I think many people miss that fact.

Take me, for example: I was engaged to the father of my child, BEFORE we chose (together) to have her. When I met him, he was fairly stable. He had two jobs (one was with the National Guard - serving our country), and he still managed to be a primary caretaker of many in his family. When 9/11 happened, we prepared for him to deploy. The stress of all of this, and his mother's terminal illness, took a huge toll on him. Yet he remained strong, and so did I.

A year later, his orders were still up in the air, his mother had passed on, and we had a young child. Shortly after he was discharged, we learned I had cancer. His feelings for me continued to wax and wane for FIVE YEARS after this. We lived together, and we lived apart. Much of the time, I didn't bother asking about wedding dates, because by this point, I couldn't even rely on him to be around TODAY. I believe that the circumstances had a lot to do with things, but if you're with someone for FIVE YEARS, and they only hear from you once a week by YOUR choice, your actions are speaking for themselves. I think if you love someone, you find a way to be with them, and you share the burden of the circumstances.

During the last three or four years, we rarely saw him, and didn't hear from him much. He did not contribute financially, either. I knew he was having trouble, so I didn't ask for much anyway, I just took care of her needs myself to the best of my ability. He still said he loved me, but rarely even called us.

Eventually, I got tired of feeling like I was involved in a game of cat and mouse instead of a relationship. So, I left. I told him that if he wanted to work things out, I'd be willing to try, of course, but that he needed to also. He asked me to marry him again, and I called his bluff, offering to pay for it myself. He backed out. That wasn't the first time.

So, in a huge display of self-respect (not to mention I didn't want my daughter thinking it was ok to let someone treat you the way he treated me), I ended things permanently. I couldn't go on with someone who had no capacity to love me back, and no desire to be a father. It would have harmed my daughter more if I'd stayed, especially since he was so inconsistent with her. And anyway, I was too tired of the games to let it go on any longer, so I moved on with my life, and tried to better myself and my daughter in any way I could. He has paid, I think, a total of $2000 in child support over her LIFETIME, so for those of you who think women "trap" men for CS, please realize it usually isn't profitable, even if the guy SAYS he's starving to pay it. Most likely, he's lying. I know my ex does. He has another child now, and has just started biweekly visitation, and I couldn't be happier that he FINALLY sees her regularly.

The important point here is this: we become single moms for different reasons. Sometimes, things just don't work, and the only thing you can do is make the best of what will. So, if you haven't been there, DON'T JUDGE!!! You can't know someone's motives without knowing who they are.

feelings... nothing more than feelings...

I am now everything that I always was...
The darkness that you see before you remains unchanged
a vast abyss of emptiness just waiting for the opportune moment to pull you in
and suck you dry, your emptiness fills me
I am a collector of souls

a dark cloud waiting to pounce
to pull you down in it
i will only cover you with rain
do you miss the cold?
i am the collector of souls

i feed on your dismal displays of of emptiness
and I'll build my empire from the scraps of your weakness
the profound affection that you once felt
was only the wind of my breath
nothingness, really
for i am the collector of souls

trying to forget these feelings of decay

questions of thought

I don't know what to think about anything... I don't know what I think about you, or you, or you... I'm a little bit confused, so I think I will address these things as they surface in my mind's thought-pool.

The first one, I know this for sure: I don't owe you a damn thing. I gave you everything, and that fact was never even acknowledged. I gave you everything, and you took and took and took, and yet you claim I owe YOU. I owe you... I don't know for what...? Breathing the same air as you? I think not. I will come back to this thought, but another is more pressing right now; more important than you, and your demands.

This second, I don't what to do with yet. I think that this second agrees.
There is much uncertainty, and much possibility, or so I think.
I'm still undecided as to whether or not I'm seeing the whole of things.
I do know, that I don't like that. I can handle myself while wading through a certain degree of uncertainty, for sure...
but the particulars of the uncertainty through which I walk are not my favorite of kinds. These are the little things that drive people away, that drive people insane. That, I don't like so much. I'm sure, though; that I am creating the same on the other end. This second, maybe I owe. So, this second, I will continue to try... if only for another second. If the uncomfortability rises to a certain degree, then the time has come for this second to end, I suppose; for the time to return to what it once was. I'm ok with that.

This second, now sorted; feels a little less pressing.... With that I will continue my rant towards the first one. The one who screams, "I love you" in a voice loaded with hatred. From the shadows of my weak points, the first one appears. First, softly whispering... the moment the first one has caught my ear, the whisper turns to a scream. The words seem to beg for my mercy, but the voice and the face from which they come seeks to berate and destroy the very core of me.

The face, painted to summon sympathy from the masses is quickly betrayed by the eyes behind. "You've destroyed my heart!", asserts the voice, but I can see that the blackened mass still beats within... This is the process of crazy-making, displaying pains so publicly... For I am not a heartless monster, I'm merely smart enough to hide mine away; and certainly away from public view. Once, the first one tore a nasty gash right through my side... then, the first one dragged my insides through the dirt for all to see, to feast on... Never again will I expose my vulnerable belly to the first one again. Can you blame me?

This one wears a mask to put my insides on display for all the others - claiming to own the pain that is rightfully mine - crying out for sympathy for his OWN crimes! Naturally, as far as this one is concerned, the very rain that falls upon the Earth is mine in fault. I think not. This is, as I said, simply the process of crazy-making, and I'll not be made to go there, thanks.

More things...

The following are articles that I find helpful. I have cited the authors where possible.

I don't know where this one came from:
Emotional abuse is characterized by the abuser’s manipulation and invalidation of his or her partner. Here is a list of warning signs to be aware of.

Abusive Expectations
• Makes unreasonable demands.
• Requires constant attention, or that you spend all your free time with him/her.
• Constantly criticizes.
• No matter how much you give, it never seems to be enough.

Aggressing
• Calls you names, accuses, blames, threatens, or gives orders.
• Can be disguised as “helping” or “teaching.”
• Judgmental “I know best” attitude.

Constant Chaos
• Deliberately starts arguments and may be in constant conflict with you or with others
• Treats you well in front of others, but changes into a different person when you’re alone together, or vice versa.
• May enjoy “drama,” because it creates excitement and brings the focus back onto him/herself.

Denying
• Denies your personal needs, especially when that need is greatest, and does so with the intent of hurting, punishing, or humiliating you.
• Denies that certain events occurred or that certain things were said.
• Refuses to listen or communicate (silent treatment), and withdraws emotionally.
• Denies your perceptions, memory, and sanity.
• Disallows or overrules any viewpoints, perceptions, or feelings that differ from his/her own.
• Causes you to lose confidence in and question your own perceptions and feelings.
• Causes you to doubt your most powerful survival tool: your own mind.

Dominating
• Manipulates the relationship so that the only feelings and opinions that count are his/her own.
• Must have his/her own way, and will hurt your feelings if necessary in order to get it.
• Holds you personally responsible for his/her own happiness.
• Disregards your personal standards or beliefs, and may try to persuade you to do things that you don’t want to do.

Emotional Blackmail
• Plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, religious values, or other “hot buttons” to get what he/she wants.
• May threaten to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, give you the “cold shoulder,” or use other tactics to control you.

Invalidation
• Seeks to distort your perceptions of your own world.
• Refuses to or fails to acknowledge reality in order to create his/her own false reality.
• If you tell your partner that you felt hurt by something he/she did or said, he/she might say, “You’re too sensitive. That shouldn’t hurt you.”
• Or, the abuser might turn it around by saying, “You hurt me too sometimes. I just don’t say anything because I’m understanding.”
• Suggests that your emotions and perceptions are faulty and can’t be trusted.
• Any time your own feelings are disregarded or denied, invalidation has occurred.

Minimizing
• Less extreme form of denial.
• Says things like “You’re exaggerating” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
• Trivializes by suggesting that something you have communicated is inconsequential or unimportant.

Unpredictable Responses
• Acts angry or upset in a situation that normally would not warrant such a response, or gets angry certain times but not others.
• Blows up or gets angry at you over innocent comments you made.
• You feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” around him/her.
• Has drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts.
• Likes something you do one day, but hates it the next.

Verbal Assaults
• Berates, belittles, criticizes, threatens, or calls you names.
• Subtle to blatant use of sarcasm and humiliation.
• Constantly finds flaws with you.
• Makes fun of you in front of others, or in private.

Emotional abuse often starts out very subtly, and progresses gradually over a period of time. Abusers are master manipulators, and can deceive even your friends and family – as well as their own. 

Trust your own feelings and perceptions!

How To Avoid An Obsessive or Abusive Relationship
by Bill Knell

Avoiding obsessive or abusive partners takes some forethought and planning. Here are some helpful tips. It's ironic that in a time when one of the biggest complaints from people involved in romantic relationships involves the other person's lack of commitment, that many find themselves unable to break free from obsessive partners. The key to avoiding that kind of a dilemma is knowing the difference between those who commit and those who obsess.

Before you attempt to initiate any romantic liaison, it's wise to decide what type of a relationship you‘re looking for? Most people put more effort into deciding what they'll have for dinner, then who they'll get involved with and under what circumstances. This is an important step, because sending out the wrong signal while you're looking is just the one likely to be received by the wrong person.
It's easy to grow weary of the dating game and get to the point where being in the comfort zone of finding a regular partner and potential spouse makes you want to skip a step, but that can be a very costly mistake. It's smarter to stay in the safe zone. The first and best way to allow a time for sizing up any potential partner is by making it a group effort. But before you invite anyone anywhere, play the privacy card.

Reasonable people understand that we all live in a dangerous and slightly paranoid world. But the paranoia is not without justification. The day of exchanging phone numbers with a stranger is over and done with. The only safe way to remain slightly and safely anonymous is to use a junk email address for initial contact. Any free email service like Hotmail will do. Never provide personal information to a stranger. Keep your phone numbers, birth date, address, job information and other personal details to yourself. If all this seems a bit much, just ask any victim of an abusive or obsessed lover how fast they would go back and do it right if they had the chance!

Inviting someone to join you and a group of friends for a night out provides a safety net. If your friends are an important part of your life, this will give you the opportunity to see how your potential date mixes in with them. Most people who become obsessed with a date or partner demand complete attention. One of the first things they will try and do is to step in between you and your friends. If you get an inkling of this type of behavior or are generally uncomfortable with the way your date behaves, slam the door in their face.
No one enjoys rejecting someone any more then they enjoy being rejected themselves, but this is a necessary step if you make the mistake of mixing with the wrong person. If a potential date or partner is one likely to obsess over you, then you cannot leave any room for negotiation or misunderstanding. Tell them you were uncomfortable with the way the evening went and did not care for their behavior. Indicate that you will not be seeing them again on any level and have no interest in doing so.

If things go well during your first group effort with a potential date, keep it that way for awhile. Anyone worth getting involved with will be glad to put out a little extra effort and endure some inconvenience to find the right person. Keeping it in a group also tends to separate those with the wrong agenda from people who just may be what you're looking for. Someone who is obsessive or abusive is unlikely to tolerate more then one or two pseudo-dates in a group. They like to target people who are lonely, vulnerable and have few friends. Most people who socialize in a crowd don't fit the entirety of that description. You'll also find that those just looking for a child's next step parent, an extra source of income, someone to stay with or an easy mark for a big loan will flee to greener and easier pastures.

Everyone dreams of being involved with the perfect person, but watch out! People who obsess or end up abusing their partners are often those who start off with what they consider to be honest sentiments and are almost always on their best behavior. A sure sign of this type of individual is over the top behavior. They move too fast, send too many flowers, give too many gifts, want you to immediately meet every member of their family and desire to be involved in every aspect of your life. All those gifts and all that attention comes with a price. Before you know it, they will expect you to reciprocate. That reciprocation can take the form of too much influence over your personal or professional life and a need to be with you or aware of your activities 24/7. Suddenly, they're at your doorstep with a suitcase or have taken the liberty of moving your things into their home. Think it can't happen? It does everyday and faster then you can imagine!

When it comes to looking for a partner or spouse, common sense is the last thing most people use and the first thing they should. While some may blissfully imagine that opposites attract, Sleeping Beauty and Attila the Hun would probably not be a match made in heaven. Some consideration should be given to what types of behavior you are willing to tolerate. Most behaviors multiple over the years. A loud person gets louder. A quiet person gets quieter. A rude person gets ruder. A person who drinks a little too much now will drink a lot too much later. The good news is that a nice person will probably get nicer.

If you're looking for a trophy, take up sports. If you're looking for the friend you never had, buy a dog, cat or bird. If you're looking for the Mom or Dad that never paid attention to you, volunteer time at a retirement home where elderly people tend to reward sincere efforts at friendship with honest appreciation and benevolent love. Before you sell yourself short and give up your freedom to someone with good looks who will gladly kick you into tomorrow or hunt you down if you try and leave, stop and do the math!

Whether we like it or not, anyone looking for romance in today's world is a potential target for the wrong choice. It's a sad sign of the times that falling in love has become a lot more complicated then it used to be!


Article Source: www.homehighlight.org

Excerpt from: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml
By Natalie P.

"The more subtle forms of emotional abuse can be the hardest to escape from, because the gaps between the loving, caring behavior and the emotional cruelty can span several weeks or months. However, someone who is nice and caring, and helpful for 2 or 3 months at a time, but then deliberately does or says something very emotionally devastating and cruel to a partner is no better than someone who does the same nice things but then PUNCHES his partner once every few months. The pain, the insecurity, the uncertainty, and the heartache are the same. The bruises and the welts are on the inside instead of the outside, and they take far longer to heal. While someone may be emotionally blindsided by major episodes of emotional cruelty, and may even recognize it as abuse, abused partners often "overlook" the subtle everyday criticisms, "chain yanking", and emotional blackmail that are woven into the fabric of their relationship, accepting (or denying) it as just part of a "relationship". Unfortunately, it's part of a very UNHEALTHY relationship."

Things.

1. I wouldn't give up the right person for a few more tattoos, but with the right person, I wouldn't have to.

2. Someone who *wants* to be with me will not hide me from the people in their life.

3. Someone who wants to be in a relationship will be honest with the world about being in one.

4. To stay with someone who doesn't want to be with me would be disrespectful to myself.

5. Even if there is NO ONE who wants to be with me, I do perfectly fine on my own.

6. Someone who respects me will not monopolize my time, or get mad at me for spending time with my family or friends.

7. Someone who respects me will SHOW me that they care about my feelings; not just say, "ok" and continue to treat me like I don't matter.

8. Love doesn't happen overnight, even if he says he means it.

9. Someone who cares will probably not make me cry every day, especially in the first few months.

Bruno Mars - Grenade [Official Music Video]

I found this...

"People who have not been given "voice" in childhood have the lifelong task of repairing the "self." This is an endless construction project with major cost overruns (much like the "Big Dig" in Boston). Much of this repair work involves getting people to "hear" and experience them, for only then do they have value, "place," and a sense of importance. However, not just any audience will do. The observer and critic must be important and powerful, or else they will hold no sway in the world. Who are the most important and powerful people to a child? Parents. Who must a person pick as audience to help rebuild the self? People as powerful as parents. Who, typically, is more than willing to play the role of power broker in a relationship, doling out "voice" only insofar as it suits him/her? A narcissist, "voice hog," or otherwise oblivious and neglectful person. "

here: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2007/03/why-do-some-people-choose-one-bad.html

... and the paragraph struck a chord with me, like it was explaining my life... my life's work... and I thought, finally; someone understands. I wish I knew what exactly it was that happened to me that inflicted so much damage... I really can't remember which thing it was, maybe it was a combination of things... but that paragraph up there summarizes my life much more coherently than I ever could.

change of thought

What do I have to say today..?
I'm unsure, but I can feel it welling up inside
from the depths of my being
something will appear, regurgitated on this page
and then spring to life

for that is really,
the only way I know to create life in this way
word-vomit, I've been told
by some unappreciative...

and speaking of unappreciative...
who are you to tell me who am i?
what am i...
lost on a page, misdirected in verbiage
today...

tomorrow, something different comes
from beneath the shattered glass
tomorrow this begins anew
from the same old pattern...

the very definition of crazy,
do the same and expect different results...

Not tomorrow...
tomorrow, something different this way comes
I hope you're ready, because I sure am

I think I hate people today...

So, I took in a kitten... I saved him from the shelter, I guess. Good thing, too, the one he was headed for is really, really bad. I love him to pieces, and no matter what, I always will. He is about 7 months old, and very energetic, so he's in his "holy terror" stage still... You know, tearing the house apart, chewing on my toes at night, wants to play all of his tiny waking hours (he sleeps 18 of 24), etc.

All in all, it's been highly entertaining. He's adorable... I will never understand what makes people get so angry at animals, particularly baby ones. He has no real behavioral problems whatsoever. He nibbles from time to time, but they outgrow that anyway. I just picked up a sweatshirt that has been on the floor near an area where he sleeps regularly. I automatically smell-checked, having lived with a formerly feral feline. It smelled like me. It'd been there at least four days. There isn't even any hair on it. I'm impressed by his behavior, really.

Anyway, I don't normally take in one at a time, partly because socializing a solitary kitten is not easy for a non-feline creature. So, originally; I was looking into buying a Savannah... what can I say? I miss wild-animal antics in my living room... (did I mention we've been slightly less poor this year? It's been nice to have milk almost every day, and nicer to know that when we don't, it's wholly because of my daughter's voracious appetite) but there is a large part of me who is very acutely aware of the realities of the average cat's life. Many cats are picked out, fun for a while, and subsequently discarded at the local shelter, or worse, abandoned somewhere outside.

I CANNOT understand this behavior AT ALL. It literally sickens me that people abandon their pets. I have been homeless and still managed to provide a home for my pets. I realize that on that one, I had more help than many do. But to drop the poor thing off because "it pees outside of the litterbox", "the baby has allergies", "it smells" etc. These I do not understand. On the other hand, I suppose these pets deserved better than to be owned by assholes such as these... but they usually don't get what they do deserve, a nice loving FOREVER home with someone who accepts them for who they are (animals, people, your expectations need to be realistic). No. Most get a quiet death after you abandon them.

Don't get me wrong, if I had space, and financial resources, I'd take every single one of them. They would never have to endure being regarded as an object ever again. Seriously, I just can't believe how selfish some people are. And worse, how common it apparently is.

Weird

 Soy Food Intake and Breast Cancer Survival 

I wonder...?

Posted via my G2. That's right bitches.

The iPhone is a damn pain in the ass.

Recently, I've come across several nifty little apps that come in both android and iphone versions; the idea being that I can say, create a grocery list that can be added to and edited by an iphone user. This is helpful, because it means my daughter can add things to my list in real time. Especially since I do the majority of the grocery shopping while she's in school. Yay, right? Only here's the thing: adding apps to the iphone is often a long, drawn out process. First, I have to open itunes, which my computer *fucking hates* - as in, itunes often crashes. I have a disturbingly large music and video collection, like 100 gb (you'd be truly amazed at the number of free song promotions you can use, if you're willing to invest the time) so it takes roughly five billion years to load under the best circumstances. Then, as I said before, it often crashes...

Step two is locating the app I want in a sea of irrelevant and pricey apps in itunes, since the free ones are often hidden, if they exist at all (most FREE android apps ARE NOT FREE in itunes).

Step three is making sure the app is backward compatible (that is, installable and runnable on an unlocked and jailbroken iphone 3g updated to ios 4 - don't get me started on the functionality of that one), and waiting for it to download. As I said, my computer does not play well with itunes (or any other apple product, of course). So even though I have high speed access (for distance edu, mind you), the download takes FOREVER.

Then, I get to coax my computer AND itunes into recognizing the iphone (which SHOULD be easy, but never is).

The final major step is the waiting about a million years for itunes to trickle the data over the itty bitty firewire (the only one the damn iphone will accept, since its proprietary). And then coaxing the system into releasing the iphone.

You know, I know I'm a but spoiled by my G2, but jesus... All in all, the process usually takes nearly an hour, if not LONGER.

So, I'm not much a fan of apple these days. I like the fact that I can practically magically add any damn app I want to my phone in SECONDS. EAT THAT IPHONE!

Posted via my G2. That's right bitches.

This is interesting...

Cyberbeg.com

This site, as you'd guess, is a place for people to set up a small website asking for help. I read through a few of them. It makes me wish I had something to give. If you do, maybe you'll check it out? If you don't, this might be a good place to ask for help.

I don't know what to say today

So I'll just blurt some shit to get it out of my head.
I feel like a loser today. I think I might be having some kind of mid-life crisis. I think I spent most of my teen years self-medicating so well (to hide from the cancer symptoms that were over-taking me) that I managed to learn nothing, do nothing, and be nothing. And here I am again, sitting on my ass doing nothing. I spent the last three days asleep. Literally. I don't even known how that's possible, but I did it. I'm not depressed, but I am frustrated. I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm supposed to be doing, and the sand is falling so fast that it's burying me. Every day means another mountain of bills, disconnect notices, foreclosures, eviction papers... I put out the fires, but the sparks always remain. I can see the light at the end of the path, but I'm crawling backward fast as I can, kicking and screaming, cuz I'm not done yet. I didn't get a chance to do anything, to fix anything, to change anything... My baby needs a mother, someone who can teach her, protect her, and support her. All I know how to do is grow new tumors and swallow pills. So much pain... I've been in pain every day for over eight years now, it's getting hard to believe I'm in my 20s. And nobody listens to anyone. This world is a mess. I can't help but wonder why I want to stay, to fix things... Between my daughter's health problems and mine, I can't hold down a job for shit, so I'm going to school... I don't know what for, but fuck, I had to do SOMETHING. With nothing but a 6th grade education, you can't pay bills for two people alone. School's fine, I guess. I get good grades, it's not hard. You just do the work, and they'll give you A's for it. I don't really get why people think it's so hard. Trying raising a kid all alone. Try figuring out how to pay all your bills on minimum wage and still get to your radiation treatment appointments. Try growing up with a crazy lady who steals all your pills, throws heavy shit at your mom at 3 am, and kicks you out of the house at age 10 for forgetting to do the dishes one time. That's hard. College, not so much. They give you the answers. All you gotta do is listen. I was pulling A's in classes I only came to once a week. College is easy if you can figure out how to get there. Life, on the other hand, is fucking hard.
I don't know what to do. I have chronic health problems, a disintegrating back, no help with childcare... I don't really have any skills or talents, I never really had time to learn any between hospital visits and family bullshit. I can't do anything physically strenuous, in fact, I'm not even sure I can show up every day. My daughter and I both have shitloads of doctor's appointments, and frankly, I'm so fucking tired, I feel like I'm already dead. I am in chronic, rather severe pain, and have been for years. And, no, it can't be treated. Maybe with drugs that make me more tired. Sweet, that helps. I'm lost in a sea of faces...

someone please make this

I want my computer to know that it is nighttime and dim its screen brightness accordingly. I'd practically kill for this functionality. I can't be the only person that finds a computer screen absolutely blinding at 1 am. It would be great if this could then be expanded to cell phones. An example of the necessity here: it's late at night and you're driving down a dark highway. Your phone, placed safely out of reach, suddenly begins to ring, and of course; it lights up. The light is very bright, as cell phones usually are. You glance down at it, and for a brief few seconds, you are completely blinded... Do you get where I'm going with this? Why doesn't an auto-dimmer exist yet? Please, super brilliant tech people... make this. My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed. Yeah, I know I can change my settings, but it just isn't practical to go through so many menus for something so simple.
Auto-dim please.

So this really has nothing to do with anything....

but I wanted to voice my opinion about it, so here it is:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delirium_tremens

^^^^^
This, is absolutely terrifying. And I have seen someone go through it firsthand, with my own eyes. Watching someone literally seize from alcohol withdrawal is very scary. I can't even imagine how horrible it must be to go through.

The more I learn about alcohol, the more I begin to question the drug war in the US. Alcohol kills people. We know that. Not only does alcohol cause a myriad of health complications for the person(s) imbibing, but it also causes reduced decision making capacity without necessarily causing a person to be less active. Think about it: so many people drink a few drinks, and think they're perfectly ok to get behind the wheel of their 3,000 pound car. Or to start a fight with so and so... It causes things like black esophagus, severe liver failure, brain damage, and causes many different kinds of cancers, etc. If you've never read about the dangers of alcohol, I urge you to seek it out, and watch a few episodes of Dr. G. A huge number of her caseload comes in the form of completely preventable alcohol-related deaths.

In addition to all of those things, withdrawal from it can be FATAL.

This is one of those things that makes me wonder... why is this horrible toxin legal when so many other things aren't? Take pot, for example. Here is a substance with some degree of medical value. It is highly beneficial for nausea & vomiting, and can restore appetite in those who have lost theirs. It even has some pain relieving properties. That's what we've proven so far. I highly doubt that pot has ever directly killed anyone. When people get stoned, do they go out and kill people for their next "fix"? No, in fact; marijuana withdrawal has very few symptoms at all. It is not thought to even BE physically addictive.

Do people decide they are in fact, ok to drive their car, and cause thousands of innocent people to die in fiery crashes after partaking? No, they eat potato chips and watch cartoons.

Does it cause significant brain damage? No. Unlike alcohol (esp. see chronic effects: http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/aa63/aa63.htm ).

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not some hippie pothead. It's really not for me. If it were legal, and I'd been unable to eat for a while, I probably would. But the high is of no interest to me. However, I find it disturbing to say the least that something so completely benign is illegal, while something as damaging to society as a whole (alcohol, for clarity) is perfectly legal. What the hell are you thinking, people???

Look at the damage this shit causes. Seriously. Compare and contrast. Alcohol is related to more deaths in this country than every other street drug combined. Why bother making everything else illegal when this one is ok?

so I have this report due...

It's for English class. I usually don't need to come here to get those started... English papers seem to just fall right out of my head, spilling out onto my paper, and into my teacher's hands. I usually don't have trouble with writing at all, but writing for English class seems even more natural than other kinds. It's almost like writing for myself, in a way; I'm writing something that will fulfill the requirements of the assignment, in an interesting way. That's the idea right? When I write papers for classes, I always think, "if I were grading this, would I take points off for that?", thus forming the entire structure of my paper.
Maybe I never mentioned this, but when I was in 7th grade, I somehow tested "out" of my English class. They said I didn't have to go any more. But wait! That's not all. They then decided that They could utilize my apparently advanced comprehension of the English language. So, they made me a T.A. for a 9th grade English class. That way, their 9th grade English teacher could have an assistant, and I didn't have to sleep through English (still earning A's, mind you) any more. This pattern continued for the rest of the time I was in school. I had a few other teachers enlist me to "help" grade papers in college, also.

So, I know how to grade English papers. Because I know how English papers are graded, I know how to get good English grades. Actually, it stands to reason that I already knew how to get good English grades BEFORE being enlisted by the Kent School District. (Yeah, I named names like that)

So. Why. The. Hell. Am. I. Having. A. Hard. Time. With. This. One.? (hint- that was spoken through gritted teeth)
Well, excruciating pain might be one reason. Possibly. Time, maybe, could be another. Lack of reliable short term-memory, perhaps? I have an appointment on Tuesday for some kind of new relief for chronic back pain, I hope. I don't know what she'll look for, what she'll find, or what she'll prescribe... I just know that I can't continue to live in this much pain. And ibuprofen will kill me before Maybe there are bone spurs. I have no idea. I really haven't felt this before. The vertebrae are not aligned correctly, but that's because of a basically decimated disc between the last thoracic and first lumbar vertebrae. They have been like that for a long, long time. They, and the two dislocations (one lumbar, one cervical), and the rest of the chronic disc compression (throughout my spine); are the reasons I was once told exactly what the maximum dose of ibuprofen is for my weight, and for how many days in a row I can take it without causing damage. (About two weeks)

After that many days, contact a physician who will prescribe something stronger(usually vicodin). I know that routine. This must be the pain they were telling me about... the "future" pain that they said was coming. "I don't see any spurs or anything... YET." This is different from when it goes "out" - usually, that is an acute episode that occurs when I try to lift something heavy, yes, properly. I can't lift heavy things, no matter how I say it, don't believe me. Even proper lifting fucks my back completely, landing me in bed for two weeks on pain pills & muscle relaxants (cyclobenzaprine, yes, really that many times.)

Then, there is the chronic, baseline pain that I've felt for almost as long as I can remember. I think I was about 20 when that started. During my labor (childbirth, if you didn't catch that), I somehow managed to dislocate something in the lumbar area. It hurt worse than the delivery itself (which was completely drug-free). That's when the chiropractor decided he needed to adjust me at least three times a week. This was BEFORE both of the car accidents. There was one time that I lifted something incorrectly. Once. Because it was a job requirement. You cannot, I repeat; CANNOT physically throw a 50 bag of potting soil into a truck that is taller than you without doing it in a way that puts your back in danger. It can't be done. To those who have done this without being injured, congratulations, your back is obviously stronger than mine. That was the injury that started everything else. The disc ruptured, or something, I'm not really sure. I was heavily medicated when they told me what it did. At that point, I was told that there was already a lot of degeneration (yeah, maybe that caused the injury - still not good. Have someone taller do it), and they weren't surprised that I was in pain. "But no spurs or anything. YET."

That disc continued to slip in and out of place, usually painlessly (except for 1 or 2 "episodes" per year, when it hurt so bad it knocked me on my ass) for years. Until one day, By this point, I had been in the car accident that "reversed" the curve in my neck (and the one after that made it worse), and I'd been dealing with the chronic pain of the whateverthefuck in the lumbar area. So, it was just one more thing. Irritating, but not the worst. It was kind of bulgy-feeling for about a year, but having been through thousands of dollars worth of chiropractic, and thousands of dollars worth of physical therapy, and thousands of dollars worth of massage therapy, etc., I really didn't want to deal with it. Besides, I couldn't really take time off at the time. So, I didn't ask about it, and I didn't go. I just took my ibuprofen at the first twinge of pain, and stopped it when I could reach above my head without pain. Even though I still had muscle spasms (granted, those could also be from low blood calcium - no parathyroids, remember?), and occasionally experienced sudden muscle weakness that resulted in fun things like the occasional spilled gallon of milk. WHOLE gallon. As in, my hand suddenly decided that it didn't want to listen any more, and the milk was on the floor. This happened at work, too, resulting in broken glass, lost samples, and nicknames like, "butterfingers". Fun.

A few months ago, my back as a WHOLE started to get gradually worse. Now, it's excruciating. The WHOLE THING. So yeah. It sucks. That's all I'm saying.

Zero to twenty years blues

I hate coming up with titles. But that's not really the point. I have health insurance now. I think I mentioned that earlier. But apparently it won't save me, at least not in the long term. Did you know that when they say "long term survival" they mean 10 year? I didn't. Way back in April (i know it's been a while, but I'm still processing), I said something to my doc about not planning to die any time soon. Guess what he said to me? He said I'll be lucky if I make it to 50. Why, you ask? Well, my dear readers, my cancer is childhood cancer. Meaning that instead of properly developing things that are necessary for living, say, 80 years, my body was losing the battle against cancer. Instead of healthy tissue, I was growing metastases. That's why so many things are already breaking down (teeth, for one. Those of you who know me know what I mean). So... Upon first realizing that he is obviously right, I was... I wanna say... morbidly depressed, maybe. Then, the ever-bargaining scientist in me was compelled to read the actual data. It confirmed what he said, but I also learned that I AM lucky. Other cancers cause far worse symptoms, far worse side-effects, after effects, and when it comes down to it; probably cause a more painful death.

Of the things that could kill me, concerning my much milder cancer:

Recurrence, which includes risks like the cancer itself (yes, thyroid cancer DOES kill people), embolism, heart attack, stroke, and any other complication caused by excessive T4, or insufficient ability to turn synthetic T4 into T3 successfully, breathing difficulties (tumors are known to sometimes grow in areas where air should be), etc. In addition, childhood thyroid cancer is NOT slow-growing. Recurrences aren't slow either. Ask my stomach.

With all cancer treated and gone, there are still big risks. These include, but aren't limited to: blood chemistry problems (i, for example have zero parathyroid glands because my primary tumor, um.. Ate them), hypocalcemia, hyperglacemia (that's diabetes), increased risk of other cancers, heart attack & stroke (though lower risk than with cancer), and a whole lot of other odd things that don't seem related to the untrained person. On one hand, I wonder if the increases in life expectancy might be some sort of punishment, I know I live in chronic pain and have constant health issues... but, I am also well aware that my suffering pales in comparison to some... But it lasts longer. I guess that has perks and drawbacks, like everything else...

But, back to where i was before: Lucky to make it to 50.

When i am 50 (if i make it there), my daughter will be 30. My mother will be 68. My siblings, 41 and 36. I suppose everyone would be mature enough to handle it, but they shouldn't have to. That's what bothers me. Oh, did I mention I'm already 28? I'm 8.5 years past treatment #1. This means that according to my endocrinologist, my life is already half over. Granted, it's a lot longer than I had when I first walked into his office (he guesses maybe 6 months to one year, yeah I was a goner - I was already physically rejecting food & puking blood).

Another point: the use of the word, "lucky" to me, means that the alternative is more likely. So, if I'm "lucky", my daughter will be 30 when she buries her mother. Most likely, she'll be younger. I don't get to grow old with someone, or play with grandchildren... I might not even see my daughter graduate high school.

Adding to the risk factors is my brief but damaging drug history and total dependence on nicotine. Another factor: degenerative disc disease is treated with narcotic pain relief. There is nothing else. I'm also pre-diabetic (sub-clinical), and I have been forever; probably because my body never got the chance to grow right. In a childhood cancer survivor, these risks are obviously exponentially larger, AND many doctors have no idea how to deal with survivors, simply because they haven't treated many. Diabetes & thyroid cancer occur together a lot, but don't mix so well. Also, my personal recurrence likelihood is really, really large. I was stage 4 under one staging method, stage 2 under the one that uses age, and something else entirely in pediatric, which is where I really belong, staging-wise. I am a pediatric statistic.

And we die young. I'm really starting to wish I believed in God. I know everyone has to face this eventually but I think I have the "zero to twenty years blues".

Posted via HTC G2. That's right, bitches.

Oh yeah...

Once again, I forgot to give you guys the good stuff... My total disinterest in today's music has led me to become more focused musically. I've decided to start a band and make music. I figure if basically all of the music coming out currently sucks ass and lacks artistic vision and integrity (imho, most of what is coming out these days sadly falls into this category), it's time for me to at least attempt to fix that. Otherwise I have no right to continue to bitch (and bitch I do). So, I'm rewriting my lyrics, investing in guitar lessons, and seeking like minded bandmates. I have been lucky so far, I've already come across several people who have come to the very same conclusion. Yay!

In other, less interesting for you news, I have a wonderful new phone that I +fucking+ adore. This thing is amazing!!!! It's the HTC Desire Z a.k.a. G2. (It goes by two names because tmobile already named a previous handset g2)

Actually, I'm writing this blog directly from said amazing handset. So that's the current news in my world. That and I really miss my grandmother. But, she isn't in pain any more wherever she is.

Oh, and the wonderful President Obama's healthcare reform has made buying insurance possible for me. Thank you, Mr. President. :)

Now if I can just get some of this goddamned pain to mellow out so I can get something done...

Argh

Oh, the wonders of chronic pain... I

am so fucking SICK of being in pain. Sometimes, I feel like I just wasn't built to last, like at any given point I could just completely fall apart. The leg pain... It comes from WHERE exactly????? Oh. We STILL don't know. Awesome.

The Circle Of Life

Life is a strange configuration.
The force that burns within us all feels so strong.
Until one day... when it doesn't.

Like the sun, it rises slowly, we reach our milestones
it burns intensely with the all rage of a nine-to-five job
and then the sun must set, whether in a nursing home, or suddenly.

I saw a poster in a nursing home recently that read "The sunset is just as beautiful as the sunrise", and I had to concur. It really should be. I do know the physical realities of it, but without the beauty of a soul finally finishing its long, intrepid journey on our island Earth, where is the meaning?

I wish I knew what happens when the sun goes down. That Grandma will finally be reunited with her long-lost love Grandpa, that the cat who fought lymphoma so hard is finally at peace, that there will finally be something for those poor little kids in third world countries... Something that makes up for it all... I know there exists a plethora of religions that attempt to explain what happens after we die, of course; but the thing is - no one really knows, for a fact. Only those who have come before ever could, and last I checked, when they talk, it is largely believed to be some sort of hallucination.

What do you think? Anyone? What is your personal version of what happens after you die?

I don't know what to think any more. My Great Grandmother (I know, but she deserves a set of capitals) passed away today, after battling the aftermath of a massive stroke that left her totally hemiplegic for about six months. She fought hard, even though she admitted it was hard to when she missed her late husband so much. I'm sure gonna miss her. I'm not sure what else I can say just yet, because I don't think I've really processed it yet.

So, what do you think? What happens when you die?

Other things

I'm really enjoying being back at school. It's a little odd sometimes, since most of my classmates are about 10 years younger than me, but overall, it's nice anyway. I recently learned that I actually enjoy math - something I never would have imagined possible. As it turns out, it's much more interesting when less numbers are involved. I wonder... are people who are good at algebra any more likely to also excel at calculus...? I hope so... because it looks like I'll be taking at least one math class per quarter (plus other classes that contain math, many of which contain some form of calculus) for about the next five years (or longer).

I have a paper to write and I'm procrastinating. My teacher has chosen a rather mundane & common past experience for us to write about, in great detail. I find myself completely unable to remember my personal experience in the least little bit, so I haven't started yet. I understand the point of the assignment completely, and I will do it... but that doesn't stop me from wishing it could be about something a little more abstract. Or even a present-tense situation. I can't even remember what I had for dinner last night & now I'm trying to remember the last cut that I had? In detail?? I was kind of hoping that if I put it off long enough, I'd accidentally cut myself, and thus be able to write about it. A present-tense cut is something I can write about because it is happening *currently*. I can see it, feel it, and bypass my often hazy memory.

The last one, on the other hand, I can't even remember what it felt like... I have a terrible memory for physical pain. I suppose in a way, most of us do. If we didn't, our population would probably decrease some...

the vague sense of restlessness and other such things...

So I was reading through some of the older posts, and I started to remember that you guys used to leave me comments. :(

No comments any more? That makes me sad... I was actually being sincere when I said that I appreciated them. :(

Please leave me comments...? You guys give me something to smile about.

Since this has 975 views to date, I thought I'd give you guys something more interesting to read.

My vague sense of restlessness has been with me since i was a small child. It follows me wherever I wander off to, and is unrelenting. I am never at peace with anything, about anything, never. I am perpetually in a state of some sort of turmoil that never ceases. I don't know whether to medicate it away, or befriend it. But it is a part of me, so I suppose the latter would be advisable. But I never follow my own good advice.

Interestingly, nobody ever offers me advice. They sure ask for a lot from me, though. 

and more...

I told you it gets full in here. If I posted all of it for you, you might be as crazy as I am.

I can't remember what I was planning on saying in that last post, but it feels unfinished.

Have you ever run into someone you haven't seen in 10 years or so...? I don't mean just anyone that you used to know... I mean a long lost best friend sort of person...
It seems to happen to me a lot lately. I find someone that I've been searching... really searching for... someone that I miss deeply. It turns out they've been searching for me, too! So we meet up, we talk for a while, catch up... and that's the end of it. Every. Single. Time. It seems like they think, "Oh, so that's what happened to you. I wondered." and that's it. Here I am, still longing for that deep beautiful emotional connection... the kind you can't seem to create readily after age twelve or so... At first, I always think that I must have done something wrong, or said something wrong that made them decide that I was not in fact, worth all of the effort... that meeting me again was somehow anti-climactic. Eventually, I decide that since I've successfully survived without them for the last 10 or 15 years, I can probably continue as before. It's still depressing, though.


I know that I am essentially polluting the internet by publishing such mindless drivel, but I'm upset and when I'm upset, the monologue must come OUTSIDE before I can feel better and since I have no one to talk to, you're all stuck with me. Besides, if you don't want to hear it, you could always leave my diary (that's where you are).

Today, I learned that some people actually become upset listening to another person verbally (or this way) sort out their thoughts and feelings. I was completely oblivious to this phenomenon, despite the fact that I'm sure someone has voiced the complaint before. So, to anyone bothered by the thoughts and emotions of other people, I'm sorry. I really am. I still can't actually fathom your reasoning, but I can still be sorry. I will try to direct more of my personal rant stream at people who aren't bothered by it in the future. I actually enjoy listening to other people rant, because I know I am providing them a useful service. Besides, once they feel better and stop talking, my work is done anyway, right? Again, just more of my opinions...

So, I finally baked the chocolate chip cookies. I still can't remember what I was originally going to post here, but I think I've stepped out of my loop at this point. I'm sure I'll remember it later (or not).

more brain emptying

Yet again, I want coffee. Since it's close to midnight, I figure it's a bad idea. I was thinking about making cookies. For about the last three hours. Somehow, I still haven't mustered up the emotional energy to tackle that job. I can't decide if I'm depressed because I'm understimulated, or understimulated because I'm depressed.

I'm frustrated today. More specifically, I'm frustrated about the fact that I'm all alone. Just like I wanted. See, it gets to this point... where... how can I put this...? I guess I just get overwhelmed. My brain feels full, and most likely, I've been over-extending myself for others a bit (that's an understatement, if you didn't catch it)... and then, I retreat. What I mean by retreat is that I hide in my bed. It's warm there, and there is plenty of space to sort things out. And I need that. Really, I don't know how other people go without it. I'd go nuts (yeah, I know, but more so). So, anyway... I hide. I don't talk to anyone, well, at least I don't reach out to anyone. I still respond, but it's not the same way, I'm preoccupied... I should have outgrown this by now. Or at least learned to minimize it, like all the "functional" people do. What is "functional", really? When I was working, I still showed up and did my job and everything, but I was quieter. Somewhere else. It's hard to explain. It's sort of like mentally taking a mini-vacation. I just check out.

Anyway... this habit tends to shake people off. Often times, I genuinely want to KEEP some of those people, I just want to make sure that when they interact with me, they get ME. ALL of me, not just the glazed-over, preoccupied crap. Everyone has selfish, right? This is mine, I guess. But, I tend to wake up a few months later, and realize that everyone's gone. Now that I have the energy to be there, to be available, to listen, to advise, to truly engage... they're gone. Some people understand, and they know I'll come back, because I always do and I always will. If I'm not planning on coming back, I am not unclear about it.

Still, I miss people, and occasionally feel a little abandoned. Yes, I know that's dumb, because it's my fault. I don't really want to be pulled back... but it does hurt when people don't come back when I do.

Stream of Consciousness

Yes, that's right tiny readership!
It's your lucky day. Once again you have stumbled into my personal thought-sorting-dish. I'm sure there is a better phrase for that, but frankly; I'm tired and can't be bothered to think of it now. I'm sure it'll come to me later... Anyway... I go on with my warning.
This blog may contain the following possibly offensive materials: thought streams that make no sense to anyone but the writer, inside jokes that no one gets, misplaced pop culture references, misplaced anger, transference, and other nonsense that you don't care about. If you find any of these things offensive/irritating/whatthefuckever, bear in mind that you have been warned and I take no personal responsibility to your unnecessary overreaction.

That said... I need coffee. Like yesterday. Seriously... Television is getting old. I think unemployment is beginning to take over my mind. Oh yeah, I did get fired... the funny thing is WHY i got fired, but I really don't feel like sharing that at present. Suffice to say there had been a fair amount of role strain placed on me, and my talents will be better suited elsewhere. Damn fingers. I hate you, too. For now, education. Have I mentioned I hate cancer? I'd have already earned a bachelor's by now if not for stupid fucking cancer. Cancer treatment makes studying rather difficult. Anyway... I have to pick a major soon and I'm not sure what I should pick, since I never took anything in high school (you know, since I didn't go...). I actually find physics fascinating, but there's a little detail that prevents me from majoring in it... I've never actually taken it. I just studied it in my free time during stupid cancer treatment. Stupid cancer. I hate cancer.

Oh yeah... since I tell you guys all of my secrets anyway (when I want to)... here's one: My doctor discovered several new masses. I'm supposed to go in for a follow up for it (this is now 6 months after the discovery of said masses), only - here's the best part - I HAVE NO INSURANCE. Of course that all goes back to my daughter contracting Pertussis (getting fired - I got fired because I had to stay home with her while she was sick. She's 7.)... What the fuck, right? That's what I said. Sometimes I wonder why I didn't just refuse treatment and wander off into the woods when they told me. That was way back in 2003, the beginning of this mess. Sometimes, I think I am the very person that cancer sets out to kill, I am the sort that evolution probably doesn't want. Evolution wants mediocrity, right? Nothing about me is mediocre... What little is good is very good, and alternately, that which has spoiled leaves no detail untouched.

My iPod died recently. I, being the extreme klutz that I am, took one step out of my chair (this one) and in one fell swoop hurt my ankle, tore the metal bits of the sync cable apart, and sent the iPod flying across the room and into a homeless abandoned cooler, which actually split the casing on the iPod. Since it is an incredibly old iPod, and I am reasonably tech savvy, I tinkered with it (still mostly closed) and tried to get the drive to boot. I tried all of the usual tricks, from Apple's tried and true (your god, I hate that expression) all the way down to the logo-smack technique, but to no avail. I opened it, and assessed the hard drive and determined it to be toast. I think I used to have a point, but it has long since been lost. Hey, I warned you.

Time for coffee.

how?

How do you put all the pieces back together when half of them never made into the box in the first place?

I LOATHE p2k

Someone really needs to create a user friendly tool for modding phones. P2K is waaaaaaaaaaaaay too complex for the average user, who likely just wants to play a damn game on their phone. Seriously, if I wanted to spend my whole day programming, I'd be getting paid for it. I even know a little about programming, but the idea of trying to get my vista computer to recognize my razr with P2K is about as appealing as ripping off every piece of flesh on my body individually.

The last time I worked with this program, I was using a very simple XP set-up with a W490. It took instructions from about 6 different sites, multiple attempts and several days just to get the computer to notice that a phone had been plugged in. And the W490 has a memory card. You'd think that would make it EASIER. Fucking ridiculous.

This time, I'm running a much more complex vista system, and working with a razr circa 2000. I'm beginning to wonder if this is even possible. The computer has recognized the phone, and according to ALL instructions, all should be well. Except that P2K sucks ass. Don't get me wrong, when it's working, it's amazing. When it works, it's the best tool you could possibly find for your phone. It's confusing as all hell to use, but it gives you complete control over your phone, and even lets you bypass all the bullshit media blocking that most companies use to force you to buy their shit.

Getting it working, on the other hand, is nearly impossible. There aren't many things in the world that I would want to pay someone to do for me. Getting P2K to work is one of the very few. I hate this.

Clearly, I'm not the only person who has had issues... Check the 18 billion forums... There are thousands of us. Sure, many are more patient than I... I'm sure the people who are successful are much better at following each and every tiny little instruction than I am. Great. I just think there ought to be a program with less than 14 million individual instructions. There should be something simpler out there. It's a great program, but installation alone is needlessly complex.

Update: I found version 6. Version 6 found my phone. It seems to be working.
Whoever created version 6, you rock. Thank you. :)

More detail...

Says the instructor... This course is driving me just a little nuts, I won't lie. I think I spend more time trying to find my homework that I spend actually doing it. That aside, I have a gigantic report due today. It doesn't have to be complete, I'm supposed to submit it 'unfinished'. Now, that whole concept is rather foreign to my very nature, but that's beside the point.

More importantly, I have the entire report done except for the detailed musical descriptions. Since the assignment is a musical review, that would be the 'meat' of the report. Sweet. Despite knowing that my last review was lacking in the details department, I was feeling halfway confident about this report. I actually completed most of it before the concert, as specified by the (vague) instructions.

However, the day before this second report is due, the instructor hands back the graded copy of the first one. "More detail", he says. I might add here, that I'm not the biggest fan of 'details'. To me, they seem to be minute, passing little observations that don't serve much purpose. I would generally rather solve the puzzle as a whole all at once than pick out little bits to analyze individually. Picking things to bits makes little sense to me. I can zero in on bits that have an apparent purpose, but not usually intentionally. For example, if I'm talking to you, I *will* notice if you have a cut on your hand. I will probably remember most of what you've said, and can often recite it many years later. I will not notice what time it is, what the weather is like, what you're wearing, etc. Those things don't matter much to me. What difference does it really make if it was raining when you said, "______"??? The point is what you said, right? Who cares what day it was? For that matter, the words you use can convey an entirely different meaning than what you are actually trying to communicate...

I'm *sure* this isn't making sense to anyone but me at this point, but I can accept that. My point is this: from the perspective of someone who is naturally attuned to the whole picture, what is the best way to suddenly shift your entire thought process onto minute details that would normally slip right past you? I realize the necessity in it, given the assignment... but how? I need to pick out (and correctly identify) every little shift of every little thing that I'm hearing? To include what the composer's intent was? Really? "There is an incomplete cadence at 'blah blah blah' time... which supports the composer's intention of ___ " I guess I'd better get started then.

whatever

why am i alive if i'm not free to live?
i must be alive for some sort of purpose...
my life doesn't make sense otherwise.
i've been through so much
i've survived so many things
i must be here for something...
after all, each morning that i wake up breathing, i am beating long odds
i defy the statistics, or at least my path has.
so, why? what is this 'purpose' that i've been spared for, when so many others have not been spared?
currently, my 'purpose' is to discover the purpose of my life... the reason i'm still here, when i probably should have died so many times over.
but, if your purpose in life is to find purpose, isn't that pointless? isn't that somewhat nullifying, since the concept just brings you full circle to right back to where you started?
a life spent questioning why there is life to be spent is what exactly?
possibly a waste of said life? shouldn't i be out living that life, rather than sitting around questioning why there is still a life to be lived?

what the hell am i going to do??

I might lose my job... which feels incredibly stressful, yet somehow I feel a vague sense of freedom washing over me at the same time. Now, I love my job, don't get me wrong... I don't want to lose it at all. However, continuing with my education while working where I do has proven to be difficult, if not altogether impossible...

Anyway, in the midst of all my panic, I've been trying to console myself with sentiments like, "Well, if I do lose my job, I'll finally have time to go in and take my compass test" and "This could be a great opportunity for me to start doing open mic nights somewhere!".

Naturally, thoughts like that lead me to the ultimate question, "What the hell do I want to do with the rest of my life?". This question remains unanswered for me. I can remember wanting to be a singer more that anything in the world when I was five. I even wrote a few songs, and sang them for my mother. However, somewhere along the way, I picked up the notion that this idea was "impractical" and I began to think that as a person who wasn't naturally in touch with their immediate surroundings, I might not make the best entertainer.

So, here's the thing... I'm not really good at anything. I'm not terribly passionate about most things, at least not enough to build a career on... Really, the only things I've ever been told I had any discernible talent at were writing and singing. Any other skills I have I worked my ass off to acquire, and they aren't profitable, or things I want to do. These are the type of skills one acquires while working at a plethora of fast food jobs. I don't understand how people manage to stay with jobs they don't like. I feel like a whiner for saying it, but going to a job I hate every day makes me feel dead inside (ie: my two year sentence at safeway) and more than a little suicidal. I honestly think I'd go postal if I stayed with something I hated for too long. I know what you're thinking... and you're right, I do have serious problems, but that's hardly the point at hand.

In childhood, I was pushed toward music and language arts, because those were the only areas in which I possessed any clear aptitude. I played the violin for several years, spent years in choir, taught younger students how to read, tutored (reading only), wrote short stories, played guitar for a while (I can rock rhythm, seriously), and I've been writing terrible songs for years... So how come I'm not working in one of those areas? I heard, for instance, that there are some kinds of writers who can work from home. In some of those instances, their work is entirely on their own time. That means they can take their kid to the damn doctor without starving due to lost hours... what a crazy concept, huh?

I suppose it probably has something to do with the little detour I took in terms of education. I guess attending high school probably opens some doors, huh? Oh well, someone had to feed me back then. Maybe I'll go for a bachelor's in arts when I get fired.

eagle

I've got your pictures...
they meant so much to me
I've got your pictures
the soft light illuminates your smile

You came on like a sweet dream
soft and swift, and I fell prey
didn't think I could feel...
I didn't think I could feel the things that I felt for you

I've got your pictures
captured frail sentiments
I've got your pictures
frozen moments past

I never thought I could feel the things that I felt for you
little did I know...
that you were only a dream
not what I thought you were, so...
when you took flight
I merely stood back to watch you soar

I've got your pictures
but it don't mean anything now
and when I see your smile
it numbs me to my core with total apathy

I've got your pictures
a little bit of your soul
but we never meant shit to you
though in it's time it took a toll
and the more I think about it, the more I agree

I deserved far better than the bullshit you gave
so fucking soar, as far and as fast as your broken wings will carry you
but don't you bother laying flowers on this barren grave

I've got your pictures
but we didn't mean anything
I've got your pictures
they're so hollow now
I've got your pictures
but you walked out of them

blocked.

So, I can make the words. I can sing the words too. So far, I haven't been willing to do that part in front of anyone, but I can get past that. However, I'm having a hard time putting music to the words. I'm not even sure what kind of music the words want, but I know they want to be finished.

repost (mine)

trust
evillinclinations posted on Aug 01, 2006 | views: 121 | Tags: relationships, rant

Originally written sometime in 2000.

this means everything or nothing, depending on how you choose to see it.

When I was new at relationships, I used to play games. It was interesting to see who would win. I would test all my limits, and press all your buttons. I'd push just to see how far I could make you go. Will you still love me the 5th time I do this to you? The 105th? Will you still forgive me then?

As I got older, I began to see the pain I inflicted on others. To trust someone is to give them some of your power. When we give someone a piece of our heart, they own a part of us. Now that I'm not so new at this, my outlook has changed. Now I know that the object of the "game" is not to see how hard you can push, or to see if some one will prove their worth to you by simply putting up with whatever you do, basically paying their dues to you...

Relationships should be based on mutual respect, not "Will you still trust me even if I deceive you" or "Will you believe my answer no matter how untrue it sounds", but "I respect you enough to care what you think" or "I want to show you that you can trust me because I want it to mean something when you say you know I am telling the truth". It is a realization that if we do not want our loved ones to question our motives, we will not behave questionably. As we get older, we learn to adjust our behaviors and maybe even our habits to accommodate the hearts of our loved ones and we know that they will return the courtesy. Then again, maybe it's just me......... END RANT

this is not for you

this is where I come to sort things out. Should you find something that might help you, great. If not, then at least a little of my tragic story might have been heard by someone somewhere. If not, that's ok too, because it's still a perfectly good sorting dish for me.
that said, on with the rant: I'm a mess. I'm aware of that. I'm not actually sure I would recognize someone who wasn't if I came across such a person; they seem as rare as the average mythical creature. Sure, I'm a lot more of a mess than some, that goes without saying. I've come a long, long way though, from where I started. But that doesn't matter to anyone at all. I don't get credit for the miles I've already come, all that matters to anyone is where I am now, what is happening now, right this very minute. Nevermind the fact that I've already put more miles onto my soul than many people do in their entire lives, that means nothing. It must be nice for you to start at zero. Meanwhile, I look all around me, surveying the rubble... trying to build a beautiful castle out of nothing but broken rock.

wtf is my problem????

Ok, I've been trying really hard to hide it... but this is killing me... I really believed in you... I was so sure... and thinking that you're really gone this time is so unbelievably painful that it literally knocks the wind out of my chest... i don't know where you are, what you're thinking... you probably hate me... but i have never been more sure about anyone than i was about you... i can't stop thinking about you and i still don't think i want to, but i guess i have to let you go...

former coping mechanism

Going Under lyrics
Songwriters: Hodges, David; Lee, Amy; Moody, Ben;

Now I will tell you what I've done for you
Fifty thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me, going under

Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily, defeated by you
Just when I thought, I reached the bottom

I'm dying again, I'm going under
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever
I've got to break through, I'm going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head

So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again, I'm going under
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever
I've got to break through, I'm

So go on and scream
Scream at me, I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under

I'm dying again, I'm going under
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever
I've got to break through, I'm going under
Going under, I'm going under

I never write the good stuff here....

I've always just used this blog as a dumping ground, and never put down any of the good thoughts that I have here. Really, that's because the good thoughts aren't bothering me! Also, I tend to share those freely with everyone. Anyway, I feel like sharing with you, so here goes.

I feel hopeful lately. I feel that even though the pieces aren't falling where I expected them to, they are laying the tile to create the path for the future. I feel that the mistakes that I am making today are teaching me the lessons that I will need to learn to be fully prepared for the good things (read: better things) that the future holds for me. The people that I am scaring off, or shaking off, are people that would have created more hurt in the long run, because they weren't in it for the real me. I am hopeful.

Lately, I have been seeing the world a little differently. Perhaps this thinking is the same kind of different, but more refined. If I lose my job tomorrow, that will free me up for something that I might be more suited to. If my apartment burns down, well, maybe it was time to be moving on. If something isn't going to work, there isn't any sense in forcing it. Someone was recently advising that I learn to go with the flow more. I told him that he might not know me enough see it, but I am already there. Maybe I need to continue to refine it, but I am already walking that path. Sometimes it's frustrating when someone doesn't see how far your path was, but that's ok. Those who are really in it will stick around and see. Those who don't really aren't worth the trouble, because they never will be.

Come to think of it, this all started with "Learning To Smile", my very first post here. That was the true start of my path. I have made a lot of progress throughout the years, surviving cancer, trying to save the people that I loved, taking care of my mother and my child etc... but around the time of that post, my eyes really opened to the concept of living for myself and taking responsibility for my own actions.

Anyway... rambling haha

I feel hopeful. All the men who leave me, the jobs that fire me, the friends who walk away... they are all laying the groundwork for the things that will pan out.

loss

i can't deal with this. wtf?!? it's been 23 hours, and it's not easier. in fact, i think it's harder.

i don't know how to date

No, really... Whatever I do seems to be the wrong thing. I think I scared you off already. That was quick.

I'm fucking done!!

Life, the days of you kicking my ass are oficially over. You've been warned. Changes will be made.

you

i think that upon meeting every person that i ever dated, my first thought was somewhere along the lines of, "well you're a heartbreak waiting to happen, but i'll try anyway". When I first "met" you, I thought, "OMG I have to know this person." When I think about you, I can hardly wait to know you more, and the more I learn about you, the more I start to think I might really like to love you someday. I have never ever felt that way before. Actually, I feel a lot of things with you that I've never felt before. Ha ha I usually get a sense of impending doom when I think of starting something with someone. I have a really good feeling about you, though.

fuck it?

This entry shall hereby contain the following elements: unintelligible rambling, angry ranting that no one cares about, and odd streams of thought that do not appear to fit together to anyone other than the writer. By reading this, you hereby agree that 1) this entry need not make sense and 2) that if you feel damaged in some way after reading this, it's YOUR OWN FUCKING PROBLEM!!! The writer, therefore, assumes no personal responsibility for your reactions to what appears here, and you should GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

With that out of the way, I didn't have a very good day today, and frankly, everyone I spoke to made it worse. People suck. Vodka, on the other hand, fucking rocks. In the past weeks, my mind has driven itself many years into the future, to attempt to read what it might hold. Unfortunately, all I accomplished was creating even more confusion, and unraveling many decisions that I thought were set in stone for me. A long hard look at the possible sacrifices that I was willing to make for a career I'm not 100% sure I am committed to proved a need for re-evaluation. Initially, the decision was made assuming that there was nothing there to sacrifice, and that it was unlikely that anything could ever be. If this doesn't make sense to you, it's because it isn't supposed to. Anyway, the past few weeks appeared to be showing me otherwise, that maybe there was some kind of hope... At the moment, I doubt that... I'm just too screwed up for you or anyone else...

My mind is running in circles. Hopefully I can slow it down some. "Probably not, I know why... Can't explain me..."

I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

It's really weird. Work is good, and busy enough to pay well... Home is... really messy, but good. School is officially on next quarter, everything is more or less ready... My daughter is great, she always is.

I have nothing to complain about, and thus, nothing to write here. Nice spam, btw. LMFAO. You guys have come up with some pretty good nicknames, too. "Fuckstick" will forever be a part of my vocabulary, courtesy of you, anonymous reader.

Oh, anonymous reader, your insults aplenty and completely incomprehensible. Where would the average blog be without you? Nowhere, that's where. You kick ass. You bring life to an anger-soggy and essentially useless blog. It is you, anonymous reader, who brings fun to my snorefest of a blog. You are the punchline to the cruel joke that is my life.

So thank you anonymous reader, for gracing this waste of webspace with your unintelligible insults, bizarre porn-spam, and of course, the occasional artfully concise point. I like readers.

end rant.

???

I don't really get work politics and crap-talking. Seems like a waste of time and energy to me. Whatever gets you through the day, I guess...

Aaaaaaaaaaaagh

So. Fucking. Frustrated.
Money is a cage. Or at least mine is.
C.R.E.A.M.
I can no longer tell if I pushed everyone away or they chose not to bother.
I don't "fit". Anywhere.
I feel homeless. Still.

And disappointing your kid, constantly because you don't have the money to clothe her, let alone afford all the little luxuries the other kids have... Let me tell ya... Running out of milk and having the daycare saying she isn't fed right... She's eating, isn't she? Not everyone is... Half the time, I'm not.

Fuck, I'm tired of not even being able to drive to the goddamned park. The worst part is that I have a good job. The last job I had paid half as much. I've never had a better one, I don't think I even had vacation before. Too bad I end up using it at her 80,000,000 doctor's appointments. I can't afford to go anywhere anyway... Apparently, I'm still at 30% of the median in my area. Whatever. I don't know about all that. I know "Sorry honey, we don't have gas/money/food" like the sentence was fucking pre-programmed.

Looking for cheaper rent. Subsidies are always gone. Have to take time off to finish applying. Over-time is available, and I can't even work it. Law that's supposed to help children by keeping me home and broke. What good am I to my daughter when I can't support her? I love the idea of spending more time with her, but maybe I could earn a little first, so I can buy her milk? Public assistance is like a puzzle once you're there. I'm constantly rearranging pieces trying to get off of it, every time, something doesn't fit.

I'm sick of feeling like a fucking alien, like I can't relate to anyone. My mind has no home, no roots to share, no cultural attitudes to guide... I got nothing. Sometimes the nasty words my brain takes in swirl around, and I remember them all at once... Most of the time, I think "Who says that? Seriously? Wtf?" but then I remember that it's everyone. That throws me. Because if it's everyone... it's me, isn't it? They can't all be that bad...

Do NOT give this company your information

https://www.amnestyfinancial.com/index.php?

You WILL be charged for services you have never heard of.

I forgot to post this?

I recently heard that there is some sort of attraction in Seattle that was voted the second germiest attraction in the country.

Maybe it's because I am a scientist, or maybe I'm just stubborn, but whenever I hear claims like that I feel the need to dispute the validity of the argument. Who were these alleged voters? What, specifically constitutes an "attraction"? By the previous definition, is it possible that there might be some "attractions" that people didn't think of, because they weren't aware of them or didn't remember them? Wouldn't it be better to actually quantify the germ level of each place? Why do objects like doorknobs and other pieces of objects (like the tail, and other specific parts) end up on these lists? The doorknob isn't the attraction, though I can certainly see that it'd carry more germs than the rest of it.

Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah... Last year, I threw some seeds into a potted plant, and they recently came up. I was pretty happy, since they were seeds from a tropical fruit that I ate from the grocery store last year. It's weird that they over-wintered like that.

Last year, in the spring maybe, I threw them in to see what would happen. Nothing, of course. A few months later, I put a teabag in the soil to give the plant some extra whatever. The seeds that were still under that teabag eventually started to mold, and now they have sprouted. Bad to breathe (ewwwwwww) but still cool science.

I am literally awestruck by the delicacy that is both the resilience and the fragility of life. It bends my mind in a way, trying to comprehend either side of it. The way that life ends so abruptly sometimes, despite all of our efforts to preserve it is both sad and confusing, and yet I see both a sharp contrast and a strong similarity to it's strange propensity to persevere through seemingly impossible odds...

I had a cool dream

And since I'm absolutely sure no one wants to hear about it, I guess I'll post it here.

I can't remember the details, I'm actually not even sure they were ever there at all. Here is what I can remember. I was standing next to a large, horizontal wheel, like on a game show. On each of the pie slices that made up the wheel, there was a possible dream that I could have, and my spin would determine the subject of my dream. It was like a game show, except that I had total control over the wheel's landing point. Each time I spun, it went exactly where I told it to go, and each subject it landed on was, indeed, the dream that followed until I chose to stop the dream and choose another one. This was a lucid dream, and throughout the dream, I kept thinking, "This is kinda cool. I'm having a lucid dream in the form of a weird metaphor about lucid dreaming".

I don't know why I felt the need to share that, I just thought it was kinda cool. I've always been interested in the way the brain works, though.

Wtf? Seriously?

They're gonna kill Violet??
Why do they always kill my favorite characters?

LOL

Although I have not yet given birth to the proper phrasing, I have decided exactly what I would like to talk at you about the next time I'm here.
I will give my personal analysis on people who spew forth raw, unbridled rage at innocent bystanders regularly for reasons not apparent to those around them. Granted the reasons are obviously going to be individual and personal, but there is a definitive common thread, I'm sure. This information with be posted after undergoing rigorous research, development, analysis and testing, most of which will take place inside the dank abyss that is my head.

I've decided not to bother with this one after all.

useless drivel

If anyone is wondering, the poetry or whatever it is was written a very, very long time ago.
That said, I guess I will continue, easing into some sort of bizarre, incoherent and possibly vaguely interesting rant. I don't often have anything to say, really. When I do, I'm hard pressed to find anyone willing to listen. That's where you come in. I suppose I really don't need an audience, and in many ways, I'd prefer to remain without one. However, whatever it is I do here, however rarely I do it, is an outward expression of something. What that something is, well, that's another story for another day.

Either way, since I mainly keep my thoughts to myself, it seems important somehow to indulge the desire to *not* keep my thoughts to myself should it surface. Additionally, perhaps restraining my thoughts isn't a good thing. Certainly, in many situations, it is. I believe diplomacy has a strong value in a society. I'll even go so far as to say that I view it as sacred on some level. Without diplomacy, I really believe there would be even more wars than there already are. This is however, the very likely flawed logic of a hardcore feeler - just don't ever tell anyone I admitted that. I'll deny it. There is no need to correct me, if I wanted intellectual sparring, I could have easily taken this matter elsewhere. No, that thought is just another random one that happened to show up in this episode of the stream of my consciousness, and I was kind enough to share it with you - though I doubt you want it - because without consciousness, what are we?

The high-speed freight train that is my thought process has left it's track and is now MIA. In other words, I digress...
Thus far, this blog has been a place for me to dump darkness. You can expect more in the future, because to me, the only thing an external expression of these thoughts is good for is relief. It gets the thoughts out of my brain, and forces me out of a loop. The psychologist in me is wont to debate various aspects of my personality as a result of this revelation, for several reasons, however, this matter is unimportant; as it is totally irrelevant to the subject (haha, if you're paying attention, you know there isn't one...) at hand.

I'm hungry, so I'm done now. I'll come back when I have something worth saying.

away

too much rational thought
clouds out the conversation
too many times we've fought
wars for nothing
alcohol too thick to see through
your logic I can't follow
but I did it all for you

i lost everything today
stood up for what I believed in
so far away
our twisted minds prevent resolution
the simplest problems
held in restitution
can't win for losing
left it all in dissolution

i gave up today
lost it all
couldn't meet me halfway
you gave up today
nothing was real
you never cared anyway

lost in the desert
I thirst for life
while you drown yourself in alcohol
nothing but a lot of strife
throw it away
walked away in doubt
all alone anyway
my voice has no clout

i gave up today
lost it all
wouldn't meet me halfway
couldn't be
you don't care anyway
shouldn't be

i didn't ask for much
just wanted you
without your crutch

end

i drove your car off the bridge
i'm still here, a lifeless mess
i slit my wrists to bleed out all the pain
still here, i carry no less
verdict's in, i'll hang for this, your way
lucky me, the noose broke
now I can cry another day

i shot myself this morning
so i couldn't feel anymore
a life with no warning
i drowned in the atlantic
swimming with the fish
i froze to death in the antarctic
buried with the penguins, as you wish

i can't fix it, there's nothing to fix
the hole inside you is all your own
all i can do is apologize
and you can reap what you've sown
so i'm sorry, that the car floated
when it should have sunk, under there
and i'm sorry, that they stitched my wrists
im sorry that i didn't kick the chair

im sorry that i used a 22
should have used a 45
sorry i could swim
sorry i am still alive
sorry for the snow melt
now i can cry another day
so angry
i am always in your way

sorry i missed the point
sorry it missed me

I hate my life. I am miserable.
I want nothing more than to change all the things that bother me and though I try to remain hopeful, and usually do, I am powerless to do so. I can't make enough money to support my child, because I don't have the skills necessary to get a job that pays a "family wage". I haven't really even gained any useful knowledge from life. I didn't even attend high school. I almost finished a two year degree at a tech college, I liked college. I want to go back to school, but have NO help with my daughter, and thus I have no one to watch her while I attend classes. I don't even have anyone to pick her up for me if I'm late.

Most of the colleges that I have found do not have on site daycares that serve children over five. My daughter is six. She is currently maxed out in daycare hours just for me to go to work. I love my job, and there is nothing wrong with what I get paid, I got a great starting wage. The only problem is that I already have a family to support. When your career and family life aren't parallel, there are obvious issues. It isn't my boss's fault that I chose to have a child with someone who decided to disappear, offering little or no help at all. That's my fault, I know. I was very young when I chose him, and I actually didn't know that there were people out there who were any different from him, or I might have seen through him. I really thought his behavior was normal.

I don't have very many friends, the few that I do have really don't understand me at all. I don't mean that in a miscommunication sense, either, I mean they don't have the capacity to (in some ways, don't get me wrong, they're great people, but let's just say our gifts differ), and they don't appear to want to. As a result, I often feel like I don't have anyone I can *really* talk to. I'm not very close with my family, my family consists of mainly my mother and my sister. There isn't really anyone else that is close by (or open) enough to try. Visiting out of state costs more than I can spare, and saving up only works if you make enough to pay for what you need, as I understand it. My mother and my sister are at each other's throats each time they are near each other. Any time we are all together, I cannot be heard, because I *physically* cannot speak that loudly. I have my daughter, who I love dearly, and I am very close to, but this isn't her burden to carry.

New people, I often have trouble with, too. People don't like me. They tend to come to me when they're upset, but they don't want to know me, or talk to me, or anything else. I seem to be judged very quickly (before I even get a chance to open my mouth) when I meet people, and generally not positively. Most commonly, people decide that I'm boring or dumb. Other people's opinions are difficult to change, and if someone decides they hate you that quickly, do you really want to spend your time changing their mind? Apparently, I'm not scary, animals and children (especially babies) love me. People, on the other hand... I love people, and I genuinely care about them, but they don't seem to return that sentiment at all. Normal social situations, to me, look like a bunch of people trying really hard to fulfill various social roles. It feels very fake, like they are playing a part in a play. I hate fake. Anyway, since I have no one to watch my child, I'm limited to people who like children. It'd be easier, I'd guess, to try to spend time with someone else who has children, since there'd be a level of understanding not otherwise present. It'd be nice to be understood. I don't mean if people would understand what I say, that part isn't that hard, I can tailor what I say to the listener's needs, if I know who they are. I mean on a much deeper level.

I'm too old to have accomplished almost nothing.