Triazolam

I finally took a Triazolam last night and slept for a few hours. Now I just feel out of it. I don't know what I feel but I still haven't gotten out of bed. I'm irritable and tired. Today I'm wondering if I'm really bipolar at all. Not because I feel well, because I don't, but because I wonder to what degree is feeling unwell normal. Then I remember how fucked my life is, and how many times I've narrowly escaped hospitalization, death and jail. I'm not on the right meds, but I saw promise for a few minutes on them.
On the one hand, I'm a little relieved that the manic frenzy of last night had temporarily subsided (because I know it's from the Triazolam and won't last long), on the other, I wish I was doing something. I'm bored and irritated. My thoughts are slow, which is strange. I think over the last 6+ months I've been depressed (until a few weeks ago when I stopped sleeping) because I was having a lot of suicidal ideation (including plans) and couldn't get out of bed. I think my shrink thinks my illness is mild, whereas I think my appointments with him are far too short for him to have any idea.
I wish I could be more. Maybe this is a moment of clarity. I can't tell. My mind is too slow today. I think I'm gonna skip school again today because I don't feel like I can handle it at all... By the time this crap wears off, I won't be able to sit still again and I'll probably have another fit and yell at my professor again. I haven't gone to school in over a week. I spent two days out in my garden working feverishly... Now my muscles all hurt. Last night, I tried to sleep for 6 hours before finally taking that pill. This time I only took one. Last time I took three. I didn't like the way I felt the next day, much like I don't like typing on this stupid fucking phone! It's 1pm and I haven't started my daughter on her schoolwork yet and just now remembered there's a meeting she's supposed to be in. Better go log her in...
It must be wearing off because my heart rate is accelerating and I feel like getting up and moving around. Before I started the Triazolam I was dancing in my kitchen. I wish I could find a way to make my shrink understand what's really going on... I need a shower but I just don't care. I remember how the last 6 months it's been a battle to shower or even brush my teeth... That's probably really bad. My shrink and therapist don't know that, or any of the other ways in which I fail to function... They don't know that I still can't keep money in my account, that I haven't worked since January because I feel like I can't... That I have to repeat my chemistry course because depression killed my progress, or how many times my poor boyfriend (and mother) has talked me out of killing myself.
It's really freaking cold in here today. I hate cold. After just going through the motions of the bare minimum of my life for over 6 months, a day of energy was nice enough to tempt me to stop all my meds altogether. I remember that horrible mixed state that cost me my boyfriend's trust though. I still haven't fixed that. That was the first time he talked me out of driving my car off a bridge. We almost broke up during that episode because I went completely nuts on him and called him up screaming a bunch of paranoid shit at him. We've never been the same. He's not open with me anymore. I think he's a little afraid of me. In fact, he's probably not alone. I remember one of the times I verbally assaulted my ex at work in front of everyone. Whatever. I have to go do something. Anything at all.