The gambling ring

I had a dream that mom and I were working together in a small town grocery store. A couple that lived in our apartment  building asked us for a $1000 loan to start their own business. I was super against it, but mom really wanted to help them so I paid them and she paid me back. There was a whole debit vs credit card transaction made. Then they started their business and it was a game where children bought poker chips and placed bets with them. Teresa begged us to buy her a box before I figured out what it was and mom bought them for her. I said mom, you just got my child started gambling... And then the phone rang and woke me up.

Tacos and meds

I had a dream where I was trying to eat tacos. I was in a huge white kitchen and asking my mom how to make beam and cheese tacos. My daughter was there, and she was talking nonsense. I was frustrated because people kept interrupting me and asking for things and I hadn't had my meds yet, and people were distracting me so I couldn't get to them and I was having benzo withdrawal and a doctor told me it was no big deal and I said but I could die and he said that's ok and all of a sudden I was like 45 and had two grown kids and I was checking on them while they were brushing their teeth. I said I was just checking on you and they said too late...

Strangely alright

I'm sitting in a mental hospital, working an overnight shift. I'm tired, but jittery... Depressed, but spinning. My mother is gone, my sister is ?? my daughter is probably sleeping. It kills me to be without my mother, but in this moment, I'm strangely alright.

That phrase was borrowed from one of my patients.

Thought of the day

Having a child with the wrong man brings heartbreak over and over and over. Even after you two split up, he'll disappoint her, which will break your heart too. You'll make exciting weekend plans with her, and suddenly, he'll call and get her to change her mind so she goes with him instead. And that'll break your heart. You were looking forward to this weekend all week, and he just prances up and steals her. Heartbreak. The hours spent trying to explain why daddy isn't around. Heartbreak for you both.

It's just bad. All bad. If I knew then what I know now, I might not have a child... That's sad. But one thing's for sure, I wouldn't have a child with an occasional father.

More dreaming

This time, I dreamt that I was in charge of a major supermarket chain and decided to start delivery service. I asked all the managers what their costs would be too deliver, and what their profit margins looked like. They told me they could deliver for free without losing much profit, so I decided to undercut Safeway by pricing my delivery service at less than half their price.
That's all I remember.

Dream

I had a dream that I went back to my old college to pick up a transcript, and I had to talk to one of the counselors to get it. I have history with this counselor. She was there for me when I went through some really rough times. Anyway, when I met with her, she kept talking like I was going back to school. I tried to explain that I just needed the transcript for a job, but she wouldn't listen. She told me that my mother had "cleared some things up" for them and that they wouldn't help me with anything when I came back. I explained about my mother and told her I didn't have anybody to watch my daughter, and she was very rude. I think her face even changed, but I can't remember. I left with the transcript, ranting to myself on the way back to my mother's car (which I'm driving now). People were starting, but I didn't care.

In another dream, all I can remember is being really happy with my mother and my grandmother. My grandmother had her moments when she could be really fun (mostly she was abusive toward me and my mother, but sometimes she was a lot of fun). I remember something about dancing with her in a parka (over both of us) and telling her she was really fun. Then, it faded out and I remember thinking, "well that was a nice dream". Something else happened after that, but I can't remember what... I think I was crying.

Too much

It's all too much. There are too many thighs circling my head, too many things to remember, the to do list is too long... I am immobilized and incapable. Alone in a pile of rubble that used to be my life. Lonely, broken and sore, I stumble on. My tribe is gone... Disappeared into the nether. I don't know what to do, or even who I am. Or where I am. Is this real? Is life real? Is the universe real? What is life? What happens after you die? I know I can't wait to find out. Clarity is gone and I am in a dense fog.

Life goes on, sometimes

My best friend's mother was recently diagnosed cancer... The doctors can't figure it out. She will be having surgery, then chemo for the rest of her life. They said it isn't curable, but it is treatable. She has uterine cancer, and another type that they can't identify in her lungs. I love this woman. She was my work mom, while we still worked together. She is a universal mother. They are thinking that the type they found in her lungs is an incredibly rare one that my friend couldn't remember the name of. How strange that they found two different kinds. I am not really sure how to help my friend cope with this news, other than to not invade her time with her mother, and to help her stay busy... (She deals by keeping busy - that was her request). I am saddened by this news, and can only imagine what my friend must be feeling... Especially since her father just went into remission from lung cancer. Her sister is permanently disabled and currently unable to walk due to a military injury... One of the things we have in common is that our lives and families are buried in the ashes of tragedy... And yet, we go on. I'm really worried about her, and about her mother.

Letter to my mother

You weren't only my mother... You are my soul sister... The relationship that all others will be compared to, even though none will ever live up to it. I figured out why I have no interest in relationships... I figured out why my first instinct is to wear your ashes on my ring finger.

I don't wanna bother dating anyone who I can't connect to the way you and I were connected, even if that means I end up alone. That's a tall order, considering we shared dreams at times. Telepathy is hard to come by...

I have so many regrets when it comes to the time we spent together... Had I known how little time we had, there would've been less fighting, for sure... I always hated fighting with you. It only left us both feeling guilty, alienated and alone. We made up well though. A hug, two heartfelt I'm sorrys, and then we moved on. What do you want for dinner? I don't know... Whatever's easiest.

I miss you so much. That statement doesn't even begin to express how empty life is without you. Every accomplishment, every decision, everything I build or make or do... It feels like nothing because I can't share it with you. Nothing means anything anymore. I feel so lost...

I have to go to a jeweler to have everything ash holding soldered shut so we can wear it. And get the ring resized. Idk what happened there.

Quantum mechanics states that things that were once connected still are, and that everything is interconnected... I find this thought comforting, because it means we are still connected, even if only in some small way... But it doesn't compare to a Friday night on the couch watching tv with you. I love you, Mom.

To Mom/ a short letter

This is just things I'd be talking to you about if you were here. I have a job interview tomorrow. Lynn's helping me dress for it. I have a pretty good chance at getting the job, provided I wake up in time for the interview... It's part time and well paying. I also applied for a job as a peer counselor/mental health tech and they want me to schedule an interview, so I'll be doing that tomorrow, too. The home care one is mornings, which worries me... The other one is on call, so I'd have more flexibility in terms of hours, or so I hope. It's at a facility I've been treated at before.
I miss you so much... Kimii's at a trampled by turtles concert. Devil makes three played too. She's having a lot of fun. I need to go to sleep but I am too anxious about the interview.
I've been thinking a lot lately, and I think if I won millions of dollars, I would wanna be a counselor... So I might do that instead of respiratory therapy. It takes about the same amount of schooling and I might be able to do it online. I'd need one math class - Yuck! - and some more social science credits, and a couple pe credits. So no big deal. I do really well in social science classes, as you always knew...
I'm borrowing your jeans and shoes for the less formal interview. And your belt.
Somebody's texting me. And I gotta go to bed. But I love you, and I miss you.

Growing up

As I was growing up, I lived in a gang ridden cesspool... Several, actually... We moved a lot. Being tough was the most important thing in the world.

As a small child, I always dreamt of going to college in the big city and making a real life for myself... Doing something positive for the world. I had no idea what I wanted to study, or any concept of what happens after college, I just knew I wanted to go.

As my teen years came screeching into the picture, I lost sight of those goals. I was disillusioned with the pathetic offerings of the local public schools, and too bored by the curriculum to bother attending. I got in trouble. I got expelled a few times. I remember playing a game with friends as a teen where we'd punch each other or do other intimidating things to one another and whoever flinched lost the game.

By the time I was 16, I was a junior high dropout. But I no longer wanted to live that rough lifestyle. I was in the city (a small city, disappointing eventually) and working around 60 hours a week to support myself. I wad a good kid, and a good assistant manager of the restaurant I worked at. At least mostly. I made some ghetto kid mistakes, but overall, my intentions were good.

I have animals all over me demanding my undivided attention RIGHT NOW. Maybe a little bit of the story will come later.

Missing you today and every day

I still can't believe you're gone. It's been 9 months... I miss you every minute of every day. I take xanax and ativan to dull the piercing anguish of your absence... It helps distract me from the memories of finding you, and the memories of the autopsy photos I had to view because the county is incompetent... But it doesn't make me stop missing you. I don't think anything ever could. I don't know if there's a hole in my heart, or if it's completely destroyed... I believe it is shattered. I am trying to put the pieces back together, but don't know how without you. You were my glue... You were the only person who was always in my corner. No matter what, you were there. I feel completely destroyed by your absence. You made the world a safe and fun place for me, a place full of possibilities... Now everything seems pointless without you... You were the center of my life. What do you do when the center of your life, of your heart, suddenly drops out? The floor suddenly disintegrated out from under me... From all of us... I miss you so much I feel like I'm dying of heartache... I don't know what to do without you.

Absence

It looks like I haven't written in a while... I've been lost in the deep dark crevices of depression and haven't been able to crawl out. Strange, that's usually when I write the most.
Her absence is a sucking void that nothing fills. What was once a thriving, loving relationship between mother and child, and of two soul sisters is now gone. All that remains is emptiness. Life feels pointless, yet I must make many life altering decisions RIGHT NOW. Just to survive. I wish I could prosper like so many others do, but is not in my hand for now. Perhaps a move will bring in some better cards,along with the winds of remorse, regret and agony. I am stuck, and quickly running out of time and money to get "unstuck". I need a miracle. But there isn't one in my ass to pull out, and frankly, I don't have the momentum to attempt to create one. I feel drained and half dead. I miss her every second of every day. She was truly a major source of light to all those who knew her, and I how she can see that now. She was there for everyone, for everything, no questions asked. She was everyone's best friend. And she didn't even get a proper autopsy! I hate the medical examiners office.
She was the best person I ever knew, and I pray to no one that I'll someday be rejoined with her. She was my other half. She knew all my secrets, and I hers. She loved me anyway, and not just because she had to. My whole world revolved around her. My life is shattered, and is now comprised entirely of pointless bits of wreckage. Ask that is left of me is chunks of shrapnel from a bomb that missed it's mark completely.
I'm done. Goodnight.

Mood swings, I forgot, and strange substances

I tried Xhosa dream root last night. My dreams were as fuzzy as usual. I blame all the benzos. However, when I reached for my levothyroxine this morning, I had a sudden flashback of one of my dreams... In it, I was at my doctor's office. She wanted to pull a free T4 on me, which means she wanted to check my thyroid hormone levels. Due to horrendous suffering, I've taken my dose into my own hands, and I'm way over my recommended amount. They recommend I stay on the low side of normal, which leaves me with parched skin, thin hair, an extra 30 lbs, no motivation, no energy, muscle pain, joint pain, no appetite, brittle yet soft fingernails which break below the nail bed (ouch). In my dream, I was terrified that she'd find out I had tampered with my dose. I could feel the panic when I remembered the dream.

I took more dream root this morning, the recommended way... We'll see what happens tonight. Since I've been on it today (i took my dose in the early morning like you're supposed to), I've felt more upbeat, more energetic, and just generally happier. I could see myself taking this long term. At first, I noticed very slight hallucinogenic properties, but only very slight, and they went away quickly.

I'm trying to lose weight now because I am 30-40lbs overweight and can't stand it. My arthritis can't stand it either.

I'm done with this post. I'm tired and I'm going to bed now. Goodnight, interwebz.

6/18/14

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you're doing everything you're supposed to be doing, but in reality, you're sleeping through everything you're supposed to be doing?

I was supposed to meet my mother's best friend at the funeral home today to order a couple of small urns for my brother and sister. I was supposed to go to the store first, so I'd have coffee because I'm out. I dreamt that I was on the phone talking about all this with my mom's boyfriend. He and I talk a lot, but never in the daytime because he works during the day. I was lamenting about my utter hatred for grocery stores again, and he suggested I order from schwans because they deliver home cooked meals. He would never suggest that in real life. After I got off the phone with him, I went to the store and bought the coffee I was out of, made myself and my daughter a coffee, got ready and got in the car. Then, I woke up and it was 10:15. It took me 20 minutes to find my phone to call Lynn. I needed to leave by 10:30 in order to get there in time. She told me not to bother. I felt bad for disappointing her. My mother never would have.

Bills

I haven't paid the bills yet. I forgot where I put them. Probably I accidentally put them in the sad mail pile. I went through the sad mail pile the other day... I managed to clear out her junk mail. I couldn't get rid of her bank statement that showed all the transactions from the weeks before she died.

It's weird, but my mom was my soul mate. Not in the romantic sense... But I don't feel like I can be attracted to anyone romantically ever again... I don't know how those two things relate... The thought of sex repulses me right now, and has ever since. Of course, I met my needs for that with a man... He and I are no longer seeing each other. I don't feel a sense of loss about that, at least not a measurable one... When I realized we weren't seeing each other anymore, I felt a little relieved that I wouldn't be expected to "perform".

I crave the type of connection that I had with my mother, though... I doubt I'll find it anywhere ever again. We had a very special connection. The kind where you know each other so well, you literally experience telepathy. We could have a whole conversation without even the secret glances most people need. I could read her eyes, and she always knew what I was thinking. I remember a few times I was with her, I thought about something and she commented on it as though I had spoken to her about it. Half of me has died. Half of my memory, half of my laughter, half of my joy, my sadness, my heart... I still can't get through a single day without crying. I feel like I'm dying. I wish I was. I can't wait to find out what happens after we die, and I'd jump at the chance to see her again. We have fleeting moments, in dreams and in little signs... But it's not the same as sitting on the couch together watching the middle and lamenting about how lazy we'd become... I miss her so much. The other day I had a dream about someone (probably my mother) whose husband of 10 years had died, and I could feel that pain so strongly that I couldn't breathe. Just like I feel once a day... I tried to comfort her, but was in no position to do so. My mother's ex husband of around 10 years passed away in 2009. It was a crushing blow to her, and she suffered through her grief and remorse for years. I couldn't understand just how terrible it must've been on her until now. She was like my spouse, in so many ways... We were raising children together. We were inseparable... I go on and on about these facts, but I feel I can't overstate it. I cannot convey just how close we were... We were a kind of close most people will never experience. I'd still rather die than live without her.

Hard phone calls

Because they missed your tattoo... I had to call the medical examiner's office again and ask to see the autopsy pictures. They will send me a disc with pictures of you, dead... I asked what would be on the disc, trying to prepare myself... She said scene photos... I burst into tears as soon as she said that... It reminded me of the worst day ever... The day you died. My sister was having flashbacks every time she saw a camera flash for months. I still get them all the time. Every time I look at that spot on the floor where I gave you the unfortunately completely pointless half hour of CPR, I get a flashback... Every time I look at your bed when it's empty, I remember finding you there... Every time I look under it, I see the shoes you left at the neighbor's house the night before, and memories come flooding back... I still replay your last 24 hours, your last week, your last month... All the time. I miss you so much. Your birthday is coming up. I will be spending it in Maui, and I'll probably still cry. I should probably be spending that day with everyone, but I just can't.
We were all going to get together and have a Costco cake for you, I was the center of that circle... But I can't. So I backed out. I'm sorry. I will love you forever and always, Mom.

Today

I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin. I don't know if it's the antidepressant, the increase in my levothyroxine dose, or if I'm just going manic, but whatever it is has me REALLY irritable today.

I think it's because I forgot to take 1 mg of ativan earlier today. Maybe I'll just take it now. I'm on a lot of meds right now... Particularly benzodiazepines. Four. Three most days, sometimes four. Watch, I'll win the publisher's clearing house sweepstakes and die the next day. I need to make my will. I don't know what to put in it anymore without my mom around... She was the person I was going to leave everything to. My daughter, care of her. I really thought I was going to die first. I'll need to update my will now. I don't feel like writing anymore. I'm done.

Wish you were here

I miss you so much I feel like I'm dying... I'm glad you left us videos so I can see you and hear your voice... I hear you in my dreams, too. I spend most of my time just laying in your bed now. I can't bring myself to do much of anything... I watch Spongebob because it helps me feel like there's still a child in me somewhere. In my dream this morning, you asked me how I'm doing... "Terribly" was my answer. I love that I got to hear your voice this morning, but I always want more of you. I always have... I used to get so jealous when you'd pay more attention to Kimii than me. She wishes she'd come over that night to help keep your party under control. God knows I couldn't do it. I didn't. I blame myself for your death in a lot of ways... Maybe I shouldn't, but I do. I still can't believe you're gone. Your absence has turned all our lives upside down. It's killing all of us.

I love that you still haunt the tv. The narration that isn't possible still helps me fall asleep every night. I have never loved anyone as much as I do you... Maybe my own child... Certainly not the same way. You were my home. You were the only person I never felt like a guest, or a hostess with... Our relationship was so much deeper than that. I don't know how to go on without that. And I don't think I could ever be anywhere near as close to someone else. We were inseparable... Everybody knew that. Even when you were out with friends, or at a doctor's appointment, or anywhere really; you were texting me. I texted you no matter what I was doing. Even at that one party I went to where everyone was playing music, it was you I was texting all night, and you I spoke to about it in the morning. Every time anything happens, it's reflexive to think of talking to you about it. Kimii feels the same way. Nobody knows what to do without you. You're supposed to be here, with us... Just a stupid accident.

I miss our morning coffee chats, our evening bonfires, even just sitting on the couch with you making fun of tv commercials... I still think of you when I see the ones we watched together.

I've never been without you before. But somehow, the world keeps going like nothing has happened.

Dream of heaven

On Tuesday, the 19th, I dremt that I was sitting at a table with my mother, surrounded by clouds. It was sunrise, so the white, fluffy clouds had an orange glow to them. She said hello and that she missed me. We were drinking coffee. I can't remember anything that was said, but we talked for hours... Have you ever had a dream that you knew was hours long? I know this one was. At the end of our conversation, she said she loved me and hugged me goodbye. Then I woke up. I was very happy when I woke up. I felt so loved. I wondered if I'd taken too many pills and died for a second.

Dream from today

I had a weird dream... I woke up at three am in a different house (which was mine) and found Justin mowing the lawn and Mike outside welding something. I got a call from mom's number and answered it. It was mom! She said she missed me and she wanted to see how I was doing. I told her I was doing terribly and explained about Teresa falling school because she's sick, but that she did fine at her dad's over the weekend so I thought she was ok to go to school today (Monday). Then, the call ended. When I called back I got a disconnected message. Then, Teresa walked in and saw me pick up a glass of wine and said, "seriously, Mom? What are you thinking?" I knew she was referring to my mother's death. I said it was only a glass of wine and I hadn't touched it. She was getting herself ready for school, and was a little older. I got up to talk to Mike and asked him what the hell he was doing at my house at 3 am and he said the house was just as much Justin's as it was mine and he had every right to be there. Then I woke up to strange noises outside at 6:14 and yelled for Teresa, thinking it was Monday and she was already up because she wasn't in my bed. I was scared she'd be late for school and was wondering if she knew what the strange noises were. It sounded like someone either cutting rebar or welding.

Dream from Friday, May 29th

I dreamt that me and mom split up housing so we could take grandma out of the nursing home because we wanted to see how she'd act if she wasn't there and to see if I could take care of her, so I went to live with her. She turned back into the psycho monster she was during my childhood before she had dementia and started hitting me and hid my phone. I looked and looked and looked for it and when I found it, I went to call my mother because she was the only Person who could ever calm my grandma down and I couldn't get out of there without her. When I went to dial her number, I remembered she was dead and started bawling... There were other people there but they couldn't help me and my grandma kept being psycho and I was stuck with her, trapped in her house. I was so sad... Then I posted something on Facebook about having a bad dream. Then I woke up, and posted something on Facebook about having a bad dream.

This house is mine now, the bedroom I sleep in, the bed I sleep in... but it still feels like yours... I wait for you to come back even though I know that you are gone, gone forever. It's so hard to think about... that you'll be gone forever. I will never again see your face, hear your smile, hug you... For you are onto the next phase... and I don't even know what that means. I am dying to find out, though. I can't wait to die. If there is any chance to see you again, I can't wait to take it. I feel in my soul that there is more than this life... I don't know what's out there, but I don't particularly care anymore anyway. I am staying alive for my child, and those who need me. Without them, I've got no reason to live. There is nothing that I even care for, other than them, let alone anything I am passionate about. Maybe someday, I will have the capacity to feel something other than crushing despair... Maybe then I will care. But for now, I am alive for those who need me.

Don't know what to say

I don't know what to say about anything today. I've been stuck at home with my daughter for the past two months. They finally figured out she had a sinus infection and bronchitis. Together, this has been aggravating her asthma.

My mother feels like a distant memory right now. I don't know why that is... I miss her so much... It makes me sad that she feels so distant. But I guess death causes that... I wonder what happens after we die. I always wonder about that. Certainly more so now. The medical examiner's office may have mixed her up with another person. They missed a noticable tattoo, and made many other mistakes along the way too. It took 5 months for a final death certificate, and they missed every identifying feature of my mother. I'm pissed. Now I have to go down there at look at their autopsy photos. After everything we've been through, now I have to look at pictures of my dead mother. Don't die in pierce county. They suck.

I'm so tired... I've been sleeping a lot lately... I'm just so very tired. My soul is tired, it has been for a long time, and this has only drained it further.

My uncle is as useless as he is mean about all of this... I have very little support. I have a therapist, which helps, since there's nobody else to talk to about things.

I haven't written in a while because I've been inundated with responsibilities and obligations. I will make more time, and try to write something more interesting next time.

I'm exhausted. Good night.

4/14?/15

I can't believe it's 2015... and I don't mean that in the sense of, "wow, a while year has passed blah blah blah"... I mean I literally can't process this year. I am stuck in November 2014, where I've been since my mother died. Every time I look at the date, it is unreal to me.
She never got to see 2015. Why should I have to?

"just keep going", "try to move on", they all tell me... To where? What's my destination, other than the final one? By the way, I can't wait to find out where or what that is... It can't come soon enough. I still need her. She visits my siblings, in weird little ways, but has left me. I try to be as open to get as possible, but even in my dreams, I know she's gone. I'll start a dream with her in it and my brain suddenly kicks on and says, "nope. She's dead. You can't have her". It's depressing.

I always was jealous of anyone that got to spend time with her when we were apart, or even when we were together. I wanted her all to myself... For the most part, I got my wish... We were both content to just hang out together most of the time. I know that's part of why this hurts so bad.

I miss her, and miss the past... If I could go back in time, I would. I don't know that I'd do anything different... There's no cause of death, nothing I could've saved her from... She just... Died. No one has  any inkling as to why... Just gone. But I would appreciate our time more, if that's possible... If I went back far enough, sure, I'd change things... My teenage years. Not sticking up to her husband when he threw me out, not listening to get when she told me to stay anyway, I'd help more...
In the more recent past, I would've learned to use the lawnmower. I would've gone with her more when she'd walk the dog, I would've paid attention to all those little things that only she knew how to do that I am now learning to do... I would've hugged her more, even though she always looked at me like I was crazy when I did. I would have taken even more pictures of her without her permission.

I just miss her. I feel like I'm dying.

The days that pass only make the time you've been gone longer.

I've been having a lot of strange dreams lately, most of them are about the way things were supposed to be... Me done with school, us in a bigger house... One with enough room for the dog. This morning's dream was completely off the rails, and was like something out of breaking bad. Weird. But, most of them are about you... I haven't gotten the "visiting" dreams that others have... I wonder why you aren't visiting me... I miss you so much. Every day, I follow our schedule, minus the Ellen show and Dr. Oz. I can't watch either show without you... There are a few other shows I can't watch since you've been gone. Here I sit, typing on your computer, on your couch, in your house, watching your cable on your TV... I sleep in the bed you died in, on the very same sheets. I almost washed them a few weeks ago, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Besides, you left a very heavy box on one side, and I can't bring myself to move it. It was hard enough to move the laundry basket full of your clean clothes that sat beside the box, but I had to make room for my daughter to share the bed with me. There are nights when I cannot sleep in that bed alone. I have pills that help, but they don't take away the trauma of finding you there, and remembering that I gave you CPR on that very floor... My final act of love... Other than insisting that the medical examiner continue to search for a reason, any reason... at the expense of every one of us who desperately need the money to come in. Myself included. I am so lost without you. I cannot do this without you. I still need you, my sister still needs you... She is all alone with your unborn grand baby, and isn't sure who the father is. How can a man be relied upon to be around when he doesn't even know if it's his?? Worse yet, he managed to impregnate another girl right around the same time. Of course, the two of them were broken up at the time, which is why the events unfolded this way.
However, the fact remains that she is, essentially, all alone. Who will be in that delivery room with her, if not you? Who will help her raise that baby, if not you? Who will support her when she needs it most, if not you? Who will be there for her when she feels so alone, like she does now.. If not you? I am doing the best that I can to fill your big shoes, but I am screwed without you myself... I can't figure out whether or not to finish college, because I have no one to watch my child... If you follow me at all, you'll remember that her asthma is so disabling that it has cost me several jobs. You were the only other person who was trained in her care. Now, I'm all alone. We used to spend every Friday night just talking for hours... How I loved those Friday nights... Friday nights killed me inside for months. We spent our Saturdays cleaning up, or recovering from the night before... I can't clean on Saturdays anymore, and as far as Fridays go, well, the party is officially over. For good. Sundays, we would relax, sleep in and try to prepare for Mondays. My Sundays are now sad, tainted with a new anniversary of your death. 17 Sundays have come and gone... I remember that terrible, horrible day... We had so many plans for that day, the day you died. We were supposed to get up early and go to the party store to pick up supplies for my brother's Welcome home party, we were supposed to pick up the cake we ordered for him, and bathe the dog for him. We were supposed to have a party for him, welcoming him hime on his leave from the navy. My poor little 18 year old brother who found you dead in your bed that morning. I remember his wailing, "Oh my God... Something's wrong with Mom! You have to get up and come look at her!" I ran up to her and told him to call 911 as fast as he could. If there was a pulse, it was weak. However, her skin was mottled, extremities like ice, her belly bright purple - striped, actually, her lips a deep shade of ocean blue... We didn't have a chance at saving her, but I needed there to be a chance, so I started chest compressions...
Who will guide us? This isn't fair at all... You were far too young to die, and we are all far too young to have lost you. You were my daughter's second mother, and she will be forever traumatized by what she saw... I was too engulfed by panic to kick her out of the room in time and she saw a whole lot more than she should have. I feel guilty now, for not protecting her better... I should have told her to look away, but my brain couldn't let her be dead. So I told them that while she was in terrible shape, most obviously, that there must be some chance, however slim.
My sister is only 24, my brother now 19, my daughter 12. I was 32 when these events transpired. I recently had the worst birthday of my life. Everything about it was great except that it was missing the best part, the little party that you used to throw me every year... You'd buy me a cake, light a few candles, maybe buy me a pizza with stuffed crust, and the three or five of us, depending on who we could scrape up, would have a tiny little party. I loved those little get togethers. So many people would call a birthday like that sad, but I appreciated every single one. I loved your birthday parties, and I'd give anything - anything for another one. I can't imagine how Justin must've felt on his birthday... If I were doing a good job filling those shoes, he'd have gotten a birthday card, like you would've sent to him. That thought never occurred to me, because I was so blinded by my own grief, my own problems... I made him a christmas stocking, but that was always my job. I'll make him an easter basket, too, just like I did every year. It's funny how he always thought that you packed those... I missed wrapping gifts with you last christmas, though I'm glad that the youngest of us managed to get christmas gifts from you. Props to you for ordering so far ahead of time. I will remember to do that, too, simply because you never know. I miss you more than any words could possibly express, and I have no idea what to do with anything, particularly the massive hole that is now in my heart. I am totally encompassed by despair, and have been for 17 weeks and one day.
November 22nd, everything was fine... business as usual, just like any other saturday, except that you had a few extra drinks. I wonder if those few extra drinks combined with the small amounts of "don't drink on these" medications I know you took were what killed you. I proposed this possibility to the medical examiner, who then ran more tests. Unfortunately, no one will let me speak to the doctor again, so I can't ask what those tests entailed, specifically. I hope that they are looking for combined effects of small amounts of different drugs, and possibly, what it could have done to your heart. I know that prescriptions that are central nervous system depressives, like the ones that you were prescribed, combined with a heart problem that makes your pulse drop could be a deadly combination. Add a small amount of alcohol to the mix and you've got problems...
I remember that day, hearing, "Should we call hospice?" and "I don't know, let's give it some time"... This is what was happening right before I heard the words, "call the chaplain, then the medical examiner". I am a CNA, so I know what all these things mean. Was she showing small signs of life at any point while they were trying to revive her? Perhaps she came back, briefly, and then choked? Or some higher force decided that it was really just her time, and all efforts were exhausted after a slight pulse appeared... Or maybe the person who asked was simply confused, and didn't realize that he was raising the hopes of this woman's eldest daughter, who knew that hospice meant more time. Given the lack of oxygen that I saw in her face, and the fact that it seems so obvious that it was prolonged, I believe that if they had revived her, it is likely she would have been vegetative by the time she was found. I keep wondering, had I skipped my sleeping pills, would I have woken up to the sounds of her coming home? Would I have seen that she didn't look so good, and called 911? What were her final moments like? She allegedly came home at around 3:30 AM, and was found dead at 9 AM. How do you die slowly in your sleep in a matter of 5.5 hours? Was she dying at 3:30? Is that why she was in such a hurry to get home that she left her shoes behind? She never left her shows behind before... What was she dreaming about when she died? What movies did her pineal gland play for her as she slipped away? Was it the silver thread that so many have seen? I wonder where she is now? Every day, I am consumed by this thought: where do we go after we die? Will I ever see you again? Is there a magical place where you are finally getting all the wonderful things that you deserve? Or do you exist in each flower I see? Have you been sent back to this earth, perhaps to learn to live for yourself while still serving others? I cannot think of anything else you could possibly need to learn from this world, this hell... You were the most selfless person I ever knew, and I always admired you for that. Nobody put their kids first the way that you did. I do know that during the week after you left, your television started doing things that aren't possible for it to do... I have about five channels that broadcast exclusively in Spanish, which that television is not capable of doing... Another four or so channels are suddenly narrated, as if for the blind. Another impossibility. I know that in that week, a music box that nobody could find played itself repeatedly... I know that a single frog, your spirit animal - corny as it may sound to some - popped out in 35 degree weather, singing its song just a few feet from my sister and I. And I know I'm not crazy, because other people were there, and they've seen it too. The television continues to do the things it cannot do.
So where have you gone? Why no more signs? Why are you visiting others in their dreams, but not me? We were so incredibly close to one another... We were Gilmore Girls close... I don't think I will ever find anyone else that I could possibly be that close to. I'm not upset with you, of course... I just wonder why my own pineal gland refuses to show me what I truly want to see... Is it that I'm in denial that you're gone? All I see i my dreams of you is what our future was supposed to be... If things went according to our plans, all of our plans... Kimii working in music, getting paid for gigs... Me finally done with school, you able to concentrate on something interesting... Of course, you are still drinking in all of them, but I believe it was more controlled. Teresa is older in these dreams. All is right in the world. Maybe it is just denial, since I still can't believe you are gone. I still feel like I'm just waiting for you to come home from work, since those were the only hours we ever spent apart.
On other days, I just fall apart. All day. Those are usually the days that I am out doing things, facing other people, and their questions, driving your car, worrying about how much of your money I am spending.
I am tired now, even though this entry does not have a proper ending. Goodnight.

3/16/15

I've decided to start writing my story. I think it's important to get it out there, especially since at some point, I will likely forget it. Dementia runs in my family, and probably skips generations.

My mother had me when she was 17 years old. She had been living in Sheridan with my great grandmother when she met my father, who was a heroin addict. As soon as she found out she was pregnant with me, she quit everything, including smoking. I don't even think she drank coffee. She was very careful while she was pregnant with me. She always was a worrier. After a long pregnancy, she gave birth to me in Seattle, on capitol hill, during a freak snowstorm in March.

After I was born, she somehow ended up in Portland with my father again. We lived in a drug house until I was two or three, when she fled late one night because my father was abusive and she didn't want me exposed to him or his drug problems. She quit everything again... She tried to live a better life for me. Between there and five or six, I really have no idea. I wish I could ask her. I do know, however, that she was loving and attentive. Somehow, she still had a great deal of regrets about my childhood. I always knew she loved me. There are lot of chunks of my childhood that I can't remember. I remember being 3 or 4 when she taught me how to read. I read everything I could find. I was a gifted child.

I remember watching Bob Ross with my mother, and trying to paint alongside him. I remember playing with that weird bubble stuff that was around in the 80s. I wonder what happened to that stuff... It came with a straw, and you'd blow bubbles in it.

Anyway... I remember being in kindergarten. I was friends with this boy, he was the only black boy in my school, now that I think of it. We got along really well for the first half of the year. We lived in Kent at the time. Then one day, I was playing with him with scissors in class and I accidentally cut the sleeve of his shirt, just a little cut... He was so angry with me that he started yelling at me in the middle of class. I felt so bad that I cried in front of everyone. He stopped being my friend after that. I was also friends with a girl who was in girl scouts with me. Her name was Jessica. Her mother was very strict, and used to hit her with a paddle. My mother and I felt terrible for her. This was in 1987. We moved once or twice that year, I don't remember... Jessica and I were fast friends. We mostly got along, but we had terrible fights, and often wouldn't speak for days. Nevertheless, I remained friends with her for much of my childhood, even through MANY moves. My mother couldn't stay in one place long. She was restless.

I remember one guy she dated who was completely psycho. I woke up to the sound of her screaming one night and found him trying to rape her in the living room. I hit him. I don't remember how or where, I think maybe with a pan? but he didn't dare hit me back. After that, my mother for rid of him, and then we moved. It was harder to keep Jessica around then because we had been living in the same apartments as her. I remember playing in the sandbox with her, and finding cat poop a lot. Before we moved, we fed all the neighborhood cats. My mother was always an animal person. Anyway, I can't remember where we moved after that, but Jessica and I were in girl scouts together, so I still saw her. My mother would often transport us both to scout meetings. Jessica's mother was strange. I remember she made the starchiest tasting macaroni and cheese, and made Jessica clean her plate. I had a major appetite, so I never had any problems with that while I was there. One night during a sleepover, Jessica got in trouble for being too loud or something and got paddled. When I saw what was going on, her mother threatened, " you're next". She didn't hit me, but after that, I didn't stay over there anymore. I told my mother everything, at least almost.

Another set of people my mother knew... Laurie and her crazy husband... They had a son named Ryan who wet the bed. He would talk me into playing Dr during the night. I was not comfortable with what was happening at ALL, but I didn't think I could stop him. So I let it continue. I'm not sure when I told my mother what was happening, but we stopped hanging out with them when I did. Before we stopped hanging out with them, they would take us camping. I always had problems around smoke, and would cough so bad I threw up. I now realize this was asthma. We would make smores and hot dogs, which was awesome. I actually had fun, other than the coughing. My mother did not remember these trips when I asked her about them last year.

When I was 7 or 8, my mother started dating my sister's father. He is crazy. We lived with him at this place in Kent for a few months (that apartment later fell down the side of the hill it was on in a landslide), but he got arrested, leaving my mother all alone to pay the bills. She worked two jobs. One of my clearest memories from that time was this: she had a bear that he bought her that sang "you are my sunshine". She was sitting on her bed holding it one night, and bawling her eyes out. I was crushed to see her so sad, and I still cry for her every time I hear that song, even more so now that she's gone. I never did find out why she was crying, or even tell her that I saw her. I just remember crying for hours because she was so sad... All I ever wanted was for her to be happy.

This is making me cry and I have to wake up soon, so I'm going to stop now. But I will write more memories soon.

Still miss you Mom

I would give anything to bring you back... I miss you more than I've ever missed anyone. I'm so glad we were so close, but it's killing me that you're gone... I wish I could fix it, but I can't... There's nothing I can do to bring you back and I don't even know why you died. I don't know if having an answer would help... All I know is I miss you... And you're in my thoughts all day, every day.

Stream of consciousness

I remember sitting here with you on the couch, this couch... Our couch. We are watching tv, you with a drink in hand, me sitting mellow with my xanax. The conversations we'd have, the moments we'd share... I miss it all. I miss Kimii in the garage playing the piano in the middle of the night, while Justin cooked... Even Though I slept on the couch just outside the kitchen, sharing a wall with the garage. I miss being able to go somewhere and knowing my daughter would be safe, happy and loved the way I did. I know she misses the same. I miss passing time with you, talking to you... I miss the sound of your voice, your laugh, your smile. I miss the way you could always make it better, the way only a mom can. I miss picking up the damn neighbor's leaves with you. I miss going to the grocery store together, and the other errands we'd run together. I can't watch Dr Oz, Ellen or modern family without getting hysterical. I'm baked all day (while my daughter's sleeping or not around, of course), and taking three benzos and I'm still hysterical. It's been twelve weeks, and I'm still hysterical half the day... The other half, I'm sleeping... Sometimes, just in a trance. I don't know how I'm supposed to go on without. You're the only person I've always had. From birth. Nobody seems to really understand what you meant to me, or how close we were. I don't know how to get that close to anyone else. I trusted you. And you died. How am I supposed to "move on"? I'm angry that the medical examiner's office doesn't have an answer for me, after 12 weeks and 4 days. I am stuck in November. Time has stopped. I have trouble recalling the date, the month, the year... The day of the week. This is too much to bear. I cannot imagine a greater loss... At first, I wondered how it would feel if I'd lost someone else, anyone else... I think I just couldn't take it. I still can't. I think maybe I was bargaining. You were the person I went to when times got tough, and really, for everything.

This is exhausting. I'm done for now.

sometimes somebody else's words do a better job.

Thoughts

I want to write but I don't know what to say. I'm not sure what I want to say... I don't feel like I have anything left in me... A big part of me died with her that day, and I don't know how to go on. I'm doing the best I can to find good ways to invest the money she left, especially since I can't afford to live here, and can't move... I can't really work anymore, since the only other person trained to take care of my child has passed away...  they still don't know why she's gone... Everything is at a standstill, and everyone is waiting with baited breath for an official cause of death. As the oldest child, I call for updates every few days, but those always make for the worst days... Those are the days I can't get out of bed at all. Most days, I struggle to keep up with all the things she used to do around here, and with tears in my eyes... The better days, I manage to get out of the house and do things, only to freak out in the midst of it all. I don't feel like I have it in me, as a healthcare provider, to go back to taking care of people... I can't take care of myself, and between the animals and all the people, I just can't do it. And, I'm jealous of the elderly for living past 50. It isn't fair at all. We all still needed her. She was so young, so full of life... They think her death was alcohol related. Her BAC was 0.05, so it wasn't alcohol poisoning... You're supposed to be able to have a few drinks and go to bed and then wake up... I don't get it. Maybe it was her time? What does that even mean anyway? I wish I knew what happened after death... That would give us all the ultimate closure, wouldn't it?

The day my mother died

At 9 am on Sunday November 23rd, 2014, I awoke to my 18 year old brother screaming at my mom to wake up... I walked in to find her in her bed, her lips dark blue. I told him to call 911. They told us to lift her out of bed and onto the floor because CPR doesn't work on a soft surface. We gently moved her, and I started cpr.

Her skin was mottled, her belly purple and bloated... I'm a healthcare provider and know the signs of death, but for some reason, I still did those chest compressions until the paramedics arrived. My 12 year old daughter saw all of this.

The paramedics worked tirelessly on my already gone mother for about an hour before they finally called it. Her death certificate reads the time they arrived.

After they pronounced her dead, and told us, they brought the chaplain in. Again, I'm a healthcare provider, and I know this process all too well, but was in denial.

A sheriff showed up, then another. Both questioned everyone in the house twice, including my daughter. At this point, my 24 year old sister (because I called her) and the next door neighbor had arrived (uninvited).

Next, a forensics team and more cops arrived. They took pictures of my mother, her room, her bed, all of her psych meds, etc. My sister has flashbacks triggered by a flash now.

After the forensic team finished, they started along with all of the other cops until the medical examiner arrived, hours later.

The medical examiner took more pictures, did whatever she does, and then gave me her card, telling me a bunch of things I can't remember. As the eldest child, I received a lot of cards and jargon that day.

My mother's best friend asked to hold her hand for a few minutes before they took her, and the ME refused, in case there was foul play because she was only 50 and in perfect health. I believe there may have been, to some degree.

Next, they took her away in a body bag. We had to move all the furniture, and I had to secure the animals while they set up to load her out. Knowing I'd already be scarred for life, I chose to go somewhere else while they bagged and moved her.

The next few hours were a complete blur. Lots of phone calls. I couldn't cry. Not until all the people left.

I am having flashbacks of the events of that awful day, particularly of the way she looked when we moved her, and the gurgling sounds she made as we did. I can barely leave my house (the one where I lived with her, the one she died in) because they're so bad. My pdoc has me on three benzos to keep me out of hysteria, and to try to control the flashbacks.

She was my best friend and we were raising my child together. I was helping her take care of my siblings. To say we were close is a vast understatement. We were inseparable. We were a team. I am now taking care of most of her responsibilities as well as my own. This is just too much...

We are waiting for the toxicology report to be reviewed to have a cause of death. She was too young, we're all too young... The list of things we'll never be able to do is way too long. She was everything to me, and I don't know if I'm able to live in a place that doesn't have my mother in it.

Loss

The whole world lost a lot when we lost you. A soul so beautiful, so loving... Lost. To what? Such a waste. You had so much more life to live, so much more happiness to give... I miss you every minute of every day. I hope there's a place out there where I'll get to see you again. I hope you're someplace better than here. I wish I knew what happened to us after we die... Some people think we just cease to be, and nothing is left... I can't believe that, because if that's true, you are over, and I can't let you be over.
Some people believe in heaven, that you're in a wonderful magical place... I sure hope so. Some people believe in reincarnation, that your soul is on a journey to somewhere new... Maybe?
It seems to me that there are an awful lot of souls out there without reincarnation... How would they all fit in this heaven people speak of?
Some people believe in simple energy... I can tell yours was here, at least briefly, after you left... All I know is that I miss you and I hope you're ok, wherever you are.

Missing you

I've been trying to think back... If there was something I could've said that I didn't, what would it be? I know I would've appreciated you more... You worked so hard, always... You managed to parent me and my child at the same time. You made each child feel like they were your only. I don't know how you did it, the work, the kids, the animals... I don't know how to go on without you. I feel blessed to have had you, but cheated that you were taken so soon...

Mom

Everything reminds me of you... And the day that scarred me... I miss your laugh, your texts, our conversations... I miss smelling your coffee every morning and knowing you were awake..  this house, your place of life and of death... I've never been apart from you for this long, ever and every day it gets longer. These are long days, the days that lie between you and I. I feel like I'm dying by losing you...

Hauntings

It still smells like you in here
I'm afraid to vape because I don't want to lose your smell
The dog still looks for you
When I drive up in your car
When we walk past your car
When he smells you
I don't wanna clean because I feel like I'll be cleaning up what's left of you
I can't bear to leave you behind
And the weird things your tv is doing cannot be explained
I hope you're at peace
Wherever you are
I miss you so much
I miss our morning coffee, I'm drinking yours for you now
I miss our trips to the grocery store
I miss running into you away from home
I miss you being home with me
This loss may be the death of me

Mom

Bittersweet reminders of you
They bring me a glow of joy
And then a crash into the depths
They surround me and I can't leave
My home, my love, my birth

A tattered baby blanket sits on a box
Inside are pictures and trinkets you lovingly saved
I can't let go... You made me
You were there for every little thing
Through mud and sand, you were there
Your very presence felt like home

How do I let go of home?
The person who gave me life...
Worked at a job she hated
To put a roof over our head
Raised us to be one
Empress to everyone
A true rose in the garden
Like her "ugly" tattoo branded her to be

All I can give you anymore is all of my love
I hope with all my heart that you are doing ok
Wherever you are... I wish you'd never left
With every passing minute
I only miss you more

I miss you Mom

You were the best mother I could've ever asked for. I will always love you. I'm sorry you had to leave this way... I'm sorry you left at all. I miss you so much. There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled.

I'm trying to focus on all the happy times we had together, because I think you would've wanted that... But it's so fresh, so unreal... And it's killing me to have to let you go. You were my best friend, my co-parent... I don't know what I would've done without you. You were my everything. We had such good times, and came through the rough times together. I've never been as close to anyone as we were. I will think of you every day for the rest of my life.

I love you so much.

Thyroid cancer is unique... Where's our support groups?

I was thinking about some of the little things that come along with having survived thyroid cancer - like never being warm enough - shop I did a Google search looking for information on it. I wanted to see if others are still as frozen to the bone as their waiting for radioactive iodine days. Because I am. I found ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Not a word. I started looking for other thyroid specific things, and found nothing about thyroid cancer. There isn't much out there, even on the thyca website.

Then, I started thinking about the people going through treatment with nobody to talk to about it. I remember finding some support on general cancer websites, but hardly anyone knows about thyroid cancer.

Here are a few facts, in case you're one of the people who don't know:
1. There are three kinds.
     Anaplastic, fastest spreading. Frequently lethal and difficult to treat.
     Medullary, moderate spread in most people. Thought to have a genetic component. Harder to treat and more lethal than papillary.
      Papillary, slow spreading except in children. Aggressive in children. Normally very easy to treat, most survivable cancer there is. Often pops back up again later on and is treated as a chronic health condition.
2. Thyroid cancer is quite common.
3. Treatment often involves total removal of the thyroid gland, total thyroidectomy.
4. Total thyroidectomy results in lifelong thyroid symptoms.
5. After total thyroidectomy, thyroid hormone MUST be taken daily for life - going off of it will eventually kill you.
6. Both papillary and medullary can come back as anaplastic.

Moving on, I've made a new goal. I want to create a forum especially for thyroid cancer. Survivors can swap war stories and find support for constantly suffering from hypothyroid symptoms, and the newly diagnosed can find support and answers. This. Needs. To. Happen. Well, my arm hurts from lactic acid buildup. That's a strange hypothyroid thing. There are lots.

halfway thoughts

Fragment #1

haze of light
flash of insight
dark is in the mind
how do you find
the defendant shakes

Fragment #2

what you take
lacks in shape
not enough cake

You :-)

Whenever you're gone...
I am not alone
whenever we're on
I can't get enough

Whenever you're gone, I forget about you, to a degree... You're always in the back of my mind, but I'm fine. I just do my thing.

Whenever you're around, I just want more and more and more... I am insatiable when it comes to you... I can't stop. I am so taken with you that it makes my cheeks flush to talk to you... STILL. After all this time. Still.

somewhere

distance
fuels the fires
yet dampens the air
my face tires
from struggling to breathe
walking the line
suffocated by space
but everything's fine

it's like you're really here
but i know better
sucked under by fear
left to wonder
once again
my devices spun out of control
the best is slain
ambiguity is the rule

distance
fills my head
all alone
am i better off dead?
or better facing demons myself?
suffocated by space
running out of life
is this disgrace?

quiet

My dark little corner of the interwebz has been rather quiet these days... I'm sorry. My mind has been elsewhere, and thus, I've been elsewhere. I owe you guys a happy post about the birthday party, and I was waiting until I could write it, which is why I've written nothing. You know how sometimes one of your friends wants to talk to you, but you just don't have the energy to say anything worth saying? Like if you respond to them, you'll only bring them down? Maybe it's just me... Anyway, that's where I'm at. And yet I can't seem to write anything NEGATIVE that's worth writing. That's usually my forte! Part of me wants to write some terrible poetry about suicide, part of me is too medicated to care, and part of me wants to write it on the spot with the music for once. I don't know what to do with myself, I guess. I sang in front of people the other day... I've been working on that. I have a great voice, I just have social anxiety most of the time. That's why I don't do videos. With writing, I can have a voice without being seen. I love that. However, when I sang in front of those people, I felt like I had a voice and COULD be seen, and I LOVED it. I've sang in front of people before, it's nothing really new. I was in choir in various incarnations for YEARS and I've done karaoke before. I hated karaoke, I think it was because of the crowd, in a way. They liked me. All eyes were intently on me. How terrifying! This time, I was at a party, another room full of drunk people... I was singing with two other girls, we were harmonizing beautifully... A man was playing his guitar, and at first he was singing too, but after a while, he just listened. I enjoyed the performance aspect of it. I know it was a small crowd, but I actually liked it. Usually, I just like the quiet. To hide amongst the shadows...
END TRANSMISSION - THIS TAPE WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN EXACTLY 10 SECONDS. 

Music lover

Back to school fears

I'm still having trouble attaching images. I'm working on it. I'm sure this blog would be better with some more pictures. 1000 words, right? 

So I'm using a draft from another post to make this one. It looks a little different... Anyway... My daughter is going from homeschool to regular public middle school this year and I'm so worried for her. My experience with school at her age was terrible. I hope it's better for her. I sincerely doubt kids have gotten less mean though. I guess for the most part, I wasn't picked on too badly, I was just invisible... But I remember sticking up for my friends who were getting bullied. I think that as adults, many of us still face bullying on some level. I was thinking about it today and I think I've faced worse bullying in adulthood than I did as a kid. I think I just didn't care as a kid so I wasn't a good target. As I got older, the bullies started being bosses and other people I'd be better off having on my side. I think I need to get better at shrugging it off or something. I feel like I have since I hit my thirties... 

Anyway, I hope my daughter doesn't have problems with the other kids in her classes. She's a tough kid and doesn't seem to care what other people think so hopefully she'll be fine. I think I've raised her well enough to stay out of trouble, too. I sure hope so. I know how the teen years can have an impact on adulthood. I want her to have all those interesting experiences with things like wood shop and all those other interesting classes. She's in choir this year. She loves to sing, so that'll be good for her. I think she'll do fine. I just worry about how mean other kids can be. I mean, who hasn't been picked on by the other kids at some point? And my daughter's been away from all that for a few years now. Now she'll be in a whole school of other fish... I'm trying to do what I can to make transitioning easier. We've been working on her sleep schedule and I'm trying to make sure that her frustration level climbs a little bit higher so she'll be able to handle the pressures... She gets frustrated pretty easily, but like I said, we're working on it. Anyway, she's excited to start school and I am trying to be as positive about it as possible since my own experience was hellish. I remember how people would pick out one little thing and just fixate on it forever. I just hope her experience is a good one.

Well, this has been a long little ramble... I'm gonna stop rambling now. Bye!

Just hanging out in the closet 2

This one might actually work

Positivity

I'm trying very hard today to remain positive about things. There isn't much going on that's negative... It's just one of those days... Where you wake up and don't feel quite right... So I'm trying to push through it. I still haven't spoken to him... The him. I don't know if I want to. But that's neither here nor there.

I drove my sister all over the free world today. That was interesting... It was hot. Thankfully, I am a reptile who loves to bask in the sun. I wish I could add images inline on this, but no. Maybe there's another app for that? I bet there is...

I'm rambling on about nothing... As usual, right? I have no idea what to talk about today. No one cares anyway. My cat has decided he owns the foot of my bed and every night when he meows for me to get in it, he bites my feet until I move them out of "his spot", which is really the entire foot of the bed. I think it's time to kick him off the bed.

Thoughts are racing by, but they're incoherent nothings as far as thoughts go... You can't really verbalize half a thought. Does anybody else have that problem? No? Just me?

I feel like I haven't talked to you guys in forever. I don't like it when I go too long between entries. I start to miss you guys... Whoever it is you are... My audience... I like you guys. Maybe sometime we can talk.

I feel like I was intended for a warmer climate than where I'm at. I intend to move south at some point. I think I was made for the south. It's too damn cold up here.

I've been pretty anxious lately, thinking about the future. I don't know who is going to be in it, since I haven't decided... And I refuse to until I'm damn well ready. I don't know if I'll make it into the program I'm aiming for, or if I should just go with an English major, which I'd like better anyway... How better to find my people than to do something I like, right?

Speaking of which... Where the hell are my people?? I'm in my thirties. I should've found them somewhere by now, but I don't feel like I have at all. I have friends, but it's a few scattered here and there... No circles, just a few people I like. They still don't feel like "my people", except for one... I feel like she sees me. The rest it takes work to keep around. I don't mean the normal kind of friendship work either.

This has gotten decidedly not positive. I guess I'm not very good at positive. That's probably half my problem. I'll work on that. I need to write more music too... I feel like there's a song I should be writing this week, while there's all this change in the air, but he doesn't inspire me much lately... Perhaps a song without a male muse is in order.

I can't sleep. I'm excited, and anxious about mostly nothing. On both fronts. Very odd. I just got a sudden craving for potatoes. I wonder what's in them that makes me crave them ALL THE TIME. Carbs, I guess...

Ok, I'm fine boring you guys with all my rambling. Thanks for reading my nonsense. :-)

Birthday party!

Here is a picture of the cake. I'm not sure it'll turn out the way I hope it will. I'm still working on figuring out how to attach pics without my computer. I've noticed that when I attach an image, the post often doesn't show up at all... o_O

Anyway, the party went very well. She was so happy with the way everything turned out, which is what matters. The cake was delicious. The edible image tasted pretty rich. It was very good though.

We'll see if this post turns out. I'd hate to add a bunch of content only for it to fail to upload...

Post title

I feel anxious lately, and like I'm not living up to my potential. At the very least, I'm trying to be a better blogger. Let me know in my comments what you'd like to read more about, or what you'd like to see on my blog. I'll be nice, I promise!

Now that that's been said, on with the anxious rambling... I feel like I have a lot of wasted potential, and I don't know what to use it for. I feel kind of lost... Like, I have no idea what I should be doing... With my life, my time... No ideas... I'm going to school, but I unsure of it. I'm unsure of a lot of things, really. I just feel like I should be doing more than I am. Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, it's just not enough? There are a lot of things that I care about, like breast cancer research, and the conditions of animal shelters... I have a lot of causes that I care deeply about... I'm just always so busy muddling through my own crap to do much about it. I think I'll do a breast cancer walk or something. That'd help...

I have a lot of things I'd like to be better at, too. I can play the guitar, but only a few chords... I can speak a tiny little bit of Spanish, I can bake, but can't cook... There are a lot of half-baked talents I have... I can't seem to pick one to refine, though. I suppose anything would beat watching television. What a time drain!

I don't know... Soon, I have to start picking up some shifts at work, and school will resume, and then I won't even have enough time for myself to think about wanting to do more, let alone the time to actually do it. I don't know. I'm sorry this entry is so boring. Please let me know what I can do to be a better blogger. Your input really does matter to me.

Bye for now. :)

daily ramble

I had a really busy day today. I always wonder what different people consider "busy". I've known some people who are busy with themselves all day, people who are just working on maintaining their lives, and people who are busy in the service of others all day. But I always wonder... at what point are you "busy"?

Registering a child for school involves a lot of paperwork. My daughter is very excited to go back to regular school. I hope she likes it more than I did. I hated school. I didn't really get picked on. I was ignored by everyone. I was invisible. I spent my teen years trying to find a voice. I can't say I really succeeded, at least not then. I wrote a lot, I painted, I did a lot of things I shouldn't have... But overall, it was a miserable time for me. I didn't have very many friends, my family life was chaotic, and I couldn't find very many reasons to keep going. I wish I had stuck around for high school, though, because there would have been a lot of opportunities for me to learn skills. I'm currently always looking for opportunities to learn new skills. But now that I'm an adult (sorta), I find I have to make the opportunities. Making opportunities turns out to be trickier than it sounds.

I really do hope she likes it, though. She probably will. She usually gets along with others very well, and always seems to be well-liked. It's cute to see how excited she is! She is excited for back to school shopping, her first day, and taking art classes. I've always been really proud of her. She's an amazing kid. I can't wait to see who she becomes. She's very strong-willed, and very individualistic, which makes me very happy. She's funny and witty and smart, too. I think that the fact that she is such an individual will serve her well when it comes to surviving school, and life afterward. I think it's really important for children to be who they are, and not feel pressured to change to please someone else. It's still important in adulthood. I'm happy to see that trait in my child.

I think it's very important for children to stay in school. There are so many opportunities that aren't going to be as easy to find when you get older. If I could go back and do it all over, I would do it differently. I wouldn't miss out on all high school might have offered me. I'm sure that for me, it would've mostly been a miserable experience, but I'd be stronger for having done it, and I could've learned a lot. I constantly feel like I missed out on things because I didn't go. Both as a person and as a student. As a person, I missed important skill-building opportunities and friendships, dances and other social events, social skill building, etc. As a student, I missed math, chemistry, and biology entirely, and the opportunity to refine my writing skills (if you call this rambling "writing"). I missed so much more than I can convey here... So if any kids come across this blog, STAY IN SCHOOL. You'll miss a lot if you don't, and you'll be so much better off for sticking it out, even though it's hard.

I think I'm done for now on that topic. STAY IN SCHOOL!
~A

Scan

So... I was supposed to go in for an ultrasound of my neck like a year ago... I didn't for quite a while because I didn't have health insurance... Now I'm just not organized enough to get it done. I think my slip expired. I don't know. How do people get things done? I forgot how to stuff. I guess I have to contact my doctor to get a new slip? And then find a n imaging place? I just remembered... That was part of the reason I didn't do it.. I live approximately nowhere and I don't think there's a place nearby. Hmm. I think I'm ok though. No strange growths, I've been cancer free for about 10 years... That's pretty cool, really. Now if I could just finish something ha ha ha. I try not to bite you guys with the details, but I thought I'd give an update anyway. Even though this is probably one of the most boring posts on any blog ever. Even those "make money fast" ones are pretty exciting. I'm betting sarcastic, but sarcasm is hard to cover with words alone. You should have seen the face I made though. It was funny in my head at least. I keep thinking of making a vlog, but I'm not really thrilled with the idea of people looking at me. It'd be good because a facial expression can relay more information than a few words can, and I could do something entertaining, but I'd have people looking at me. I don't like that part. I would probably just set up a camera and be a goofball on it, but try to be somewhat informative too. Maybe after some dental work. I'm not quite "camera ready". But my jokes would make a lot more sense if you could see my face, because then you'd know I was joking. Most of the time I am. Unless I'm depressed and then all bets are off. I wish I could share pictures more easily on this blog. I usually blog on my phone. There's no button for pictures on it. But I have all my funny pictures on my phone (where I took them or downloaded them), and they're difficult to transfer over. I tried to post a picture a day or so? ago and I don't think it quite worked out. I can't see from my end whether it did or not. I don't know. I post from my phone because it's easier than typing and I'm a bit lazy on that one. Hmm... I think this little pile of word vomit has gone on long enough now. See you later.

Just hanging out in the closet...

Minecraft Cake Quest

My daughter wants a Minecraft cake this year. I wanted to deliver, but didn't have the three million years it takes to make one of those beautiful homemade ones you see on Youtube. Since I didn't have time, I looked all over for Minecraft decorations. I found a lot of things out there, and a lot of them were really cool.

I found these little fondant sculptures of Minecraft characters available here:

Unfortunately, the store was closed for the summer, so I was unable to order from them. They are absolutely beautiful, though, and I highly recommend going to the website and looking around. I found them a little bit pricey for me, but was going to order a few anyway because they are so cool.

I found this article on Minecraft party ideas, which I found very helpful. I looked around the website a bit, too, and found it interesting. There are a lot of really cool ideas on it.

I found a lot of cool little paper toppers, too, but decided if I wanted those, I could probably save myself some money and print and assemble them myself.

What I finally decided to use was a handmade Minecraft edible image. I bought it from ktprincess28 on eBay for $10.50, which I found to be a perfectly reasonable price. Ktprincess28 makes these, and they come in many different images, including Frozen. Here is what it looked like when it came to me:

The instructions I was given by the creator were to keep it in a cool, dry place so it won't run or melt. I've done my best, but we've had temps in the 90s with high humidity. My house is air-conditioned, but not well. My image is still fine. I'll show you guys a picture of the cake when it's on, too.
The image is paper thin. It's a really cool idea, and I thought I would share.

I'll let you know how the party works out, too.

Stuff? Random stuff...

Twitter is stupid. Every time I'm on Twitter even for a minute, I think, "wow! Twitter is really stupid" and then I leave.

There's a waffle in my hair! No, really... There's a cat named Waffle sleeping in my hair. He's all tangled up in it. I have very long, curly hair. I wonder if he'll get stuck... Probably, but it's still funny.

Nebulizers everywhere... And SO many trips to the store. Find a cute kitty a good home and wash your hair! Over there, over there, over there! Anybody remember that? From the Golden Girls? I used to watch that with my grandmother when it was still on the air. Yes, I am aware that I've just dated myself. That's ok.

I want sweet tea, but we're out of tea again and I don't wanna go to the store. Ah, first world problems...

Birthday parties... Whatever happened to tea parties..? While we're taking about parties... It's that time... For a birthday party that signifies the end of tea parties as I know it. It's gone by far too fast. All grown, almost.

The Waffle has left my hair. And He didn't get stuck. I was sure he would, since waffles are so sticky... This waffle is fuzzy and fluffy... Two characteristics you wouldn't want in a food-type waffle...

Did I leave something unsaid? Because usually I don't... I have a long standing habit of saying those things that would be better unsaid (nine inch nails song). If I have to point out the reference, is that a bad thing?

I've added some chaos and confusion and a strange ramble to my little corner of teh interwebz, so I guess my work here is done. Hasta.

Today is the greatest

Day I've ever known... Sometimes when I think of a word, a whole song pops into my head. Anybody else? Just me? Today was a good day (ice cube song)... I think my finals went well, we'll see... My cat woke me up at two am nibbling on my toes, so that's great... He's silly. I don't have a lot to say at the moment because my head is full of other people's voices, but I just thought I'd share a little. Be back soon.

Money management

I can't seem to do it... It's better than it was, but I'm still really struggling... My daughter's birthday is in a couple weeks AND I have to come up with school supplies too. So far I've gotten her three small gifts and figured out her cake decoration (purchased). It's an edible Minecraft image. We're throwing the party at a park to keep things fun while keeping costs down... I need more gifts for her but don't really have the cash for it... Her birthdays always fall on hard times. I feel so bad for her. I don't wanna just go to the dollar store and buy her a bunch of crap she won't use... I just never know what to do for her... I want to give her the earth, the moon and the stars, but I can't even give her a decent birthday. What's a broke ass mom to do??

Hauntings

I'm getting a lot of intrusive memories of my past lately... Some are good, most, I feel bad about. I haven't really been a very good person, but I never did anyone wrong on purpose. But, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, right?

I'm not going to go into specifics here, or name any names... But I can't sleep right now. My mind is racing... With ideas, and flooded with so many memories... I feel remorse for the things I've done even though I was not aware I was doing them at the time... And that's exactly what it always is with me... I am unaware of what I am doing. There's no bad intention, no ulterior motives, just a mind that has wandered off into oblivion.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to think clearly enough to avoid doing things I regret later... I catch myself more now... Maybe there's some magic pill that's just out of my reach that sends the message to my brain that what I'm about to say or do is completely stupid and against what I believe... Maybe I'm just completely stupid... I can be so brilliant sometimes, but I'm so terrible other times. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde... That's me, in a nutshell... Maybe I've lost my shell...

I'm great in theory, but the reality just doesn't quite hold up, I guess. At least I have the guts to apologize... Once I finally realize I did something wrong. A lot of the time I'm not paying attention, or my mind is occupied.

Either way, I wish this long list of minor transgressions would stop keeping me up at night.

Musical hallucination

I am currently having a musical hallucination. It's AMAZING! I don't get these too often but this one, I wish I could write down... It's a melodic goth sounding almost wind chime like melody. Occasionally, something distracts me  and it gets quieter, but it still persists. Good thing I like the song... It's definitely in a minor key of some sort... Or maybe it was video game music... Hahaha!

Omg math! I wanna die...

I'm taking this intro to inorganic chemistry class because it is required for my major. It is entirely too math heavy for me. I feel like my brain is dying. I absolutely abhor math in all its forms. This is why I'm RETAKING this particular class... I would like it if it didn't have so much damn math in it. I've been working on a lab report that was supposed to take 15 minutes for about two weeks now and the more I try to comprehend the calculations, the worse it gets. I can't stand it. I think, if I remember correctly, that this should be the math heaviest lab we have this quarter. I really hope I'm right. The teacher really is SO much better. I liked my last teacher as a person, but not in the least as a teacher. He was awful. Nothing I did was enough for him. He was pretty much an asshole teacher. I'm taking a writing break to repair my lost brain cells now. I don't know if it'll work, but it's certainly meditative. I should have just become a writer, but now I'm almost out of financial aid, so I'm stuck on my path. It might work, I guess. I like the job I'll probably end up with, but if I was smarter, I'd have played to my strengths. I'll keep writing on the side and hoping somebody will someday want to pay me to do it. Pipe dream, my mother would say... But she always pees in my cheerios.

No sleep! Til next week!

After yet another sleepless night when I know I have to wake up early and *function*, I'm thinking lamictal just might be too activating to take before sleep. At least when I'm already on the upswing...

Kitty so sweet... I love him. :)

More later...

Singeing

Autocorrect is hilarious...

Drifting
Soothing
Sifting
Freeing
Falling
Loving
Dying
Flying
Suffering

Need to write

Something, but I don't know what...

I'm full to the point of bursting
Not at all hungry for anyone
Noises surround me, engulfing
Distrust, learned or earned?

03:46

Can't sleep. Feel like I'm on speed but of course I'm not.

Elevated
Matriculated
Disorganized
Feather brained
Weather trained
Dissolution
Restitution

A deluge of thoughts swirl around my racing brain... How do you sleep when you're full of words? Sleep is for the birds! Birds are chirping their sweet songs... Words dance in front of me... Kitty bells and personal hells. Happiness can be smothering... Bursting with energy, burning in effigy... My brain is on fire.

Thank you :)

Thank you for reading my mindless drivel. It's much appreciated. :)
I'm not really sure what attracts you guys, but I'm glad someone is interested in me nonetheless.
It'd be sweet if somebody would tell me why... but I know you guys won't, and that all of my followers follow anonymously... and that's ok.
It's nice to feel like I have a voice. It's validating. So thank you, for giving me the voice that I've spent my whole life searching for. :)

Irritable

That's where I am today. Everything is fucking irritating!

Quiet

Yesterday was a quieter day... I'm not sure what to expect today. Who am I today? Who am I any day? My cat keeps meowing and I don't know why. So far, I'm still enough to watch TV, but I woke up at 7:30. I never wake up that early. I fell asleep earlier than usual, but not that early... My coffee tastes terrible and I can't make interesting words today. I wonder if I'll be able to work this summer? I feel like writing is a waste of time today.

Can't sleep

Without self medicating. Irritating! Thoughts just race through. I can't imagine what this would be like if I were on no meds. I think I'd be outside climbing trees in the middle of the night. I kicked a gas pump yesterday. I'm not proud but the fucking thing wasn't reading my card. Turned out I was taking it out too fast. Then I locked myself out of my car and had to break into it. I have skills in that department. Not proud... It's 4am and I feel like bursting out of my skin. I called my shrink's office to get in sooner... One more week until I can bitch about my meds not working. My cat spent two hours hunting a moth. He even meowed at it. It was funny. I have blisters all over my hands from breaking into my car. The people who know me are all concerned about me. Yesterday I had mild hallucinations. Last night I slept well but it was only because of the pot. I feel bad when I smoke it because I'm a parent. I only ever use it medicinally (like when I can't sleep or eat). Yesterday I couldn't sleep or eat until I smoked. I was a bit slower today because of it. I'm sore EVERYWHERE and still can't stop moving. Or thinking. Yet no good ideas so far. Except ideas of going somewhere else. I feel very restless... I want a road trip so bad. I should get to see my boyfriend sometime soon. That'll be awesome. Sometimes I can't believe we're still together. This is my longest relationship in years. It's nice. I'm bored now. Good day. I said GOOD DAY!

Appended

Oh yeah... I also haven't showered in a while because I can't sit still that long. I will have to today... I can't sit still for this either. BLAH!

Can't sleep again

Stopped playing around with meds. No halcion, no seroquel... Tried upping xanax because I am allowed to do that, but it never makes me sleepy. I think I got maybe an hour so far. It's a little after 5am.

I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of lots of things. I finished my paper. Good thing I'm good with tangents or I would've been screwed. My cat is weird, but I love him. My sister is here and can't sleep either. At least risperdal calms most of the rushing thoughts. I don't feel as much as usual but I can still tell I'm manic. Just a little less so. I weeded and pulled grass all afternoon. Talked to my boyfriend for a while. I hate typing on this stupid phone!!

My daughter is sleeping Ok so that's good. The cats must be crazy.

Green sky
Flying high
I let out a sigh
Saying goodbye

I think i might be hungry but have no interest in food. My eyes are heavy yet I'm not tired at all. Watching I love Lucy. And other random thoughts... Yes. I am hungry. But I don't care. Food doesn't seem interesting and will take too much time. Boring!

Cats chasing
Birds singing
Sun shining
Dog dining
Not sleeping
Not sweeping

All I can think about is all the things that need to get done. Even though my blanket is soft and warm. I finally closed the windows. I told my mom I was cold... She asked why I hadn't closed the windows. It really hadn't occurred to me.

More talking... Can't sleep! Clowns will eat me! No phone! Not east me! Stupid phone! Why do you people read this? I'm lucid enough (today) to realize it's not interesting... Oh well whatever nevermind...

Most of the 27 club was bipolar. We don't always live long. For a while I thought I'd be joining that club. Now I'm 32. I'm late for everything! Lol

Hot dog? No. Taquitos? No. Eggs? No. String cheese? Maybe, but probably not. Food isn't interesting enough. Besides, I already ate something today.... I can't for the life of me remember what the hell it was but I'm sure I ate. Most days, my mother feeds me something. How sad is that??

Maybe I didn't eat... Who knows? Not me. I had coffee... Hmm... I think I give up on sleeping. I might go make a mocha... And take my day meds... I love that I have an arrhythmia because it's easy to remember my meds. If I forget, my heart rate goes out of control and since I take it twice a day, I just take all my pills at the same time. Except xanax and stomach med. I notice when it's time for xanax and just take the stomach med with it.

The birds are singing me the prettiest song this morning. My brother's high school graduation is today. He's the first person in my immediate family to walk. No wonder my mental illness was so hard for me to believe... Lol

My phone is being really stupid. My cat is my friend. I think I'm done spewing nonsensical garbage for now.

warm up

I'm supposed to be working on my huge paper, so I'm here, warming up... letting the words to the thoughts spill out to get me started. I think I'm too tired to write. I haven't been sleeping very well lately... Naturally. On the days I take sleeping pills, I sleep just fine, but I'm not supposed to be taking them. Maybe if my shrink was taking me more seriously, I wouldn't need to. But that's just another thought... inside my head... these little voices, they're talking to me... I'm talking back again... Sorry...Sorry baby, I'm so sorry...
I seem to be coming down with something lately too. My throat hurts and my skin hurts. I do not understand why my skin hurts when I'm sick, but it does. I think I might be hungry, but I have zero interest in food these days. I haven't been eating much, some days not at all. Feeling sweet feeling, drips from my fingers... Manic depression is a frustrating mess!
So, I felt I needed fuel to reignite the flames of the written word inside my head, so I bought a bottle.... against the warning labels on my meds. Who cares? I'm not going anywhere. I live through everything. I must be here for something big because I never die. My laptop is uncomfortable. Is it bad that I relate so much to Eminem's music? I have stories that rival his lyrics easily... My life would scare a normal person. In fact, I learned that in everyday experiences. So I just don't talk to people about it. I don't tell people that when I was 14 and homeless, I used to break into houses, cook their food and leave. So many grilled cheese sandwiches with nice pans, in nice kitchens... Other people live so much better than me... that was when I learned that, I think. I wonder what it's like to function??
\Why do people call it "hard liquor"? It makes so much sense to just say "liquor". Weird.
I noticed a sharp increase in pageviews lately... Hi. :) How are you?
My little sister got singing lessons, I got poverty. Life is strange. My ipod is full. I think I might be hungry, but nothing sounds good. Food... what a pain in the ass. It takes too much time to make the food, eat it, etc. Boring! Something strange just happened to my post, but I'm just working right on through it. Fuck this, that little blue box is irritating. I'm done now.