So. Fucking. Frustrated.
Money is a cage. Or at least mine is.
C.R.E.A.M.
I can no longer tell if I pushed everyone away or they chose not to bother.
I don't "fit". Anywhere.
I feel homeless. Still.
And disappointing your kid, constantly because you don't have the money to clothe her, let alone afford all the little luxuries the other kids have... Let me tell ya... Running out of milk and having the daycare saying she isn't fed right... She's eating, isn't she? Not everyone is... Half the time, I'm not.
Fuck, I'm tired of not even being able to drive to the goddamned park. The worst part is that I have a good job. The last job I had paid half as much. I've never had a better one, I don't think I even had vacation before. Too bad I end up using it at her 80,000,000 doctor's appointments. I can't afford to go anywhere anyway... Apparently, I'm still at 30% of the median in my area. Whatever. I don't know about all that. I know "Sorry honey, we don't have gas/money/food" like the sentence was fucking pre-programmed.
Looking for cheaper rent. Subsidies are always gone. Have to take time off to finish applying. Over-time is available, and I can't even work it. Law that's supposed to help children by keeping me home and broke. What good am I to my daughter when I can't support her? I love the idea of spending more time with her, but maybe I could earn a little first, so I can buy her milk? Public assistance is like a puzzle once you're there. I'm constantly rearranging pieces trying to get off of it, every time, something doesn't fit.
I'm sick of feeling like a fucking alien, like I can't relate to anyone. My mind has no home, no roots to share, no cultural attitudes to guide... I got nothing. Sometimes the nasty words my brain takes in swirl around, and I remember them all at once... Most of the time, I think "Who says that? Seriously? Wtf?" but then I remember that it's everyone. That throws me. Because if it's everyone... it's me, isn't it? They can't all be that bad...
