Horse and dog dream.

I just had a weird dream. My neighbor was helping me with mom's car and a cat that wanders our yard was walking around and he shot it with a bb gun or something. Then it turned into the cutest little dog and I was like wtf? I told him I loved that dog and how could he? I kicked him in the nuts. After a day or so, the dog's side was totally open like Sage's was that one time when he filletd himself on the fence and i decided I was gonna take him to the vet but I was pretty much broke. my account balance was accurate as of today. My best friend appeared, and helped with like $300, and the neighbor gave me $200 something because he felt bad and I came up with the rest, got the dog fixed up and brought him home. Then, there were these wild horses that were visiting me through a broken spot in my fence and they were around like forever. Then one day they just weren't. A few days later, I noticed them in another yard, just laying down. I called them over and they came to me. A little while later, some scary neanderthal looking bitches came over and threatened me and my best friend and pushed us around. Thankfully, my daughter was in her room. I pushed back, but they were like rocks. They said the horses were theirs now, and they didn't want me around and I should move. Me and the neighbor and my best friend tried to figure out how they got up to my back door and saw a slight weakness between two locked fences. We thought that was how they got in. We could barely move it. Then I noticed the huge hole in the fence where the horses came through and went that's probably how they're getting in. I wanted to build the horses a stable and fix the fence. The yard was huge, so I could fit one. I looked at places to put it, and then I noticed that part of my wall outside the house was the front of a barn door. The neighbor said we could make it into a little barn for them, and taught me how to scoop the poop out and stuff. We all started building it. And then I woke up.

Weird. I don't know what else to say.

It's weird to feel so sedate, yet so anxious at the same time... My thoughts have kind of slowed, but not all the way. I find myself staring off into space frequently, getting lost in cartoons, getting lost in thought. Some thoughts are jumpy... Incomplete and adhd style. Others in clear hyperfocus.

I feel something gross in my stomach, tense muscles and breathing, great rate acceleration, a jumpy feeling and my skin crawling. However, I'm glued to the couch, unable to do anything.

There are moments of lucidity, generally when the thoughts are interrupted by outside stimuli... They don't last long. Soon, the fuzzy feeling takes over again. The fuzzy feeling is better than the irritability and shaky, jittery feeling that came before it.

I don't know what else. Lost. Lost. Lost.

Sleeping

I don't know why sleep has been so elusive lately... I fall asleep, and wake up every couple of hours. I have no idea what's waking me up. I just know I'm tired all the time and it takes 12 hours to get a decent amount of sleep. It's getting really frustrating. I can't get anything done.

I guess it is ok because because each time I wake up, I get to see my kid. She's sleeping funny too. I guess she didn't get any sleep at her dad's. No surprise there. There's a lot going on there, and nobody there really sleeps much. They each get a few hours a night, and often at different times. I still don't understand why they don't believe in schedules. Children need some form of structure, especially when they have to get up for school in the morning.

Sorry about the boring post... It's hard to think of something interesting at 5 am.

We have this guy at work... The first night he arrived, he was literally climbing up the walls trying to get out. First, we found him outside doing sit ups on a tiny pipe up by the ceiling. Thigh impressive, we were afraid he'd hurt himself, so we went to stop him, but then he dropped straight into his ass. He was fine.

Next, he bent our outside gate so far that he got out... Almost all staff came out and ran after him. Someone convinced him to come back inside. He came, begrudgingly... He paced around the the common areas for a couple of hours ranting about being in jail (we're not a jail). Then, he was found climbing a high wall (like 8") up to a window, which he then tried to open. Again, we had to talk him down. That made for a very interesting shift.

He's a very sweet kid, who is unfortunately very ill. He opened up to us over the next couple of days, with small amounts of antipsychotics and told us that the voices in his head were so intense... Coupled with the outside noise, he just couldn't take it. His mother was upset about something and was in his face bothering him to do something and he threatened her with a knife. He confessed this while coming very close to tears.

Later, we were talking about my daughter hearing voices and he spent around twenty minutes explaining to me that just like him, the federal government was using the voices to torture her and ruin her life. He asked me to promise that no matter what she did to please not kick her up, because being with us has been a traumatic and depressing experience. Sometimes, he thinks the government is controlling his thoughts and other times, he is depressed and remorseful... I feel so bad for this poor kid. I don't know what I would've done in his mother's shoes, especially since schizophrenia often comes on very suddenly, but he is very clearly suffering. Right now, they have him on 2 mg of risperdal, which wasn't even enough to prevent me from seeing things, and I'm not schizophrenic... The first line of defense with schizophrenia is normally something a little more hardcore, like Zyprexa. I hate seeing him suffer the way he is. I hope they change his meds soon. I've never even heard if using risperdal for schizophrenia...

Anyway, I need to go find my child.