L - i can't stop thinking, so i guess I'll write.

i knew better, but i couldn't resist. i don't regret it, unless i caused you any undue hurt. i know I'm in no position to be any good to anyone... i still need to put back together the pieces that are still shattered from the last time i tried. yes, that last time i was engaged... that was last year.
anyway, i hope you meant it when you said friends, i think you did... i really appreciate that, and want that. you work on your stuff. if i were in any position to help, i would...
meanwhile, I'll be rebuilding myself. lol
i hope you know that I'm not angry at all. i completely understand... in fact, i agree.
oh but if the timing were different...
god, i have one hell of a mess to clean up myself. if you only knew, lol, I'm right there with you in so many ways...
you've been a great friends so far, and you've given me everything I've needed. i thank you for that. i hope your path gets easier. i do miss you, but i sincerely want what's best for you.

L

i don't know the right words right now. at the moment, I'm a little afraid of words.
I'll try anyway, i guess...

i think that i got scared. i got scared because i realized that i was beginning to form an attachment. that all by itself is scary, i have trouble letting people in. but the person that i was starting to become attached to - i buy those Cheetos first thing in the am, with my morning coffee... that means you're in my head when i wake up in the morning - has a lot going on right now... so there was uncertainty. i think that's why i freaked out so bad. that was wildly out of character for me, for the record... normal me would have responded with, "oh ok. wanna hang out tonight instead? i have vodka".
but i wasn't normal that day. i was most likely still a bit drunk from the night before, very tired, probably metabolically out of whack, etc... but there really isn't any justifiable excuse for how i acted, and sorry doesn't fix anything.
if it matters at all, the fact that i was able to scare you away erases all doubt in my mind; now I'm absolutely certain that you're good people, though i was pretty sure to begin with. i have some issues, and tend to question anyone who might be attracted to me. i know that's fucked up, but I've been hurt a lot in the past. i try not to hold on to that, but sometimes it doesn't work.
i hope that my few seconds of craziness won't be enough to keep you out of my life. if there is anything at all that i can do to go back to before that conversation, I'll do it. if not, i really don't want to lose my friend, too.
i don't know what else to say. i miss you.

am i ok?

nope. I'm not ok. i am a complete fucking mess. you did nothing wrong. i was a total disaster long before.
i don't know why I'm so damaged... diseased... but if i knew the cure, I'd have fixed it for you.. fixed me...
i had no idea i was so broken. i would have fixed me a long time ago.
it's amazing the way some people can show you what's inside of you.

idk...

Dark alley gives way to deep abyss
hopelessness pervades
tried to catch the punchline, did i miss?
miss you... hate you, a little bit
what is this? this nothing you give?
alone in the dark, I've lost the ground
captivated and captive
not fair; a marked deck....

i see the path ahead
and wonder why i came
i knew better; made my bed
what did i do, but fall
a little... for what??

this was but a temporary fix
for my permanent problem
not mine; still the clock ticks
time wins again, kicks me further

too bad my heart doesn't see it my way
a marked deck...
cannot win, cannot play
a soulless wreck
is there anything left to give?