Irritable

That's where I am today. Everything is fucking irritating!

Quiet

Yesterday was a quieter day... I'm not sure what to expect today. Who am I today? Who am I any day? My cat keeps meowing and I don't know why. So far, I'm still enough to watch TV, but I woke up at 7:30. I never wake up that early. I fell asleep earlier than usual, but not that early... My coffee tastes terrible and I can't make interesting words today. I wonder if I'll be able to work this summer? I feel like writing is a waste of time today.

Can't sleep

Without self medicating. Irritating! Thoughts just race through. I can't imagine what this would be like if I were on no meds. I think I'd be outside climbing trees in the middle of the night. I kicked a gas pump yesterday. I'm not proud but the fucking thing wasn't reading my card. Turned out I was taking it out too fast. Then I locked myself out of my car and had to break into it. I have skills in that department. Not proud... It's 4am and I feel like bursting out of my skin. I called my shrink's office to get in sooner... One more week until I can bitch about my meds not working. My cat spent two hours hunting a moth. He even meowed at it. It was funny. I have blisters all over my hands from breaking into my car. The people who know me are all concerned about me. Yesterday I had mild hallucinations. Last night I slept well but it was only because of the pot. I feel bad when I smoke it because I'm a parent. I only ever use it medicinally (like when I can't sleep or eat). Yesterday I couldn't sleep or eat until I smoked. I was a bit slower today because of it. I'm sore EVERYWHERE and still can't stop moving. Or thinking. Yet no good ideas so far. Except ideas of going somewhere else. I feel very restless... I want a road trip so bad. I should get to see my boyfriend sometime soon. That'll be awesome. Sometimes I can't believe we're still together. This is my longest relationship in years. It's nice. I'm bored now. Good day. I said GOOD DAY!

Appended

Oh yeah... I also haven't showered in a while because I can't sit still that long. I will have to today... I can't sit still for this either. BLAH!

Can't sleep again

Stopped playing around with meds. No halcion, no seroquel... Tried upping xanax because I am allowed to do that, but it never makes me sleepy. I think I got maybe an hour so far. It's a little after 5am.

I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of lots of things. I finished my paper. Good thing I'm good with tangents or I would've been screwed. My cat is weird, but I love him. My sister is here and can't sleep either. At least risperdal calms most of the rushing thoughts. I don't feel as much as usual but I can still tell I'm manic. Just a little less so. I weeded and pulled grass all afternoon. Talked to my boyfriend for a while. I hate typing on this stupid phone!!

My daughter is sleeping Ok so that's good. The cats must be crazy.

Green sky
Flying high
I let out a sigh
Saying goodbye

I think i might be hungry but have no interest in food. My eyes are heavy yet I'm not tired at all. Watching I love Lucy. And other random thoughts... Yes. I am hungry. But I don't care. Food doesn't seem interesting and will take too much time. Boring!

Cats chasing
Birds singing
Sun shining
Dog dining
Not sleeping
Not sweeping

All I can think about is all the things that need to get done. Even though my blanket is soft and warm. I finally closed the windows. I told my mom I was cold... She asked why I hadn't closed the windows. It really hadn't occurred to me.

More talking... Can't sleep! Clowns will eat me! No phone! Not east me! Stupid phone! Why do you people read this? I'm lucid enough (today) to realize it's not interesting... Oh well whatever nevermind...

Most of the 27 club was bipolar. We don't always live long. For a while I thought I'd be joining that club. Now I'm 32. I'm late for everything! Lol

Hot dog? No. Taquitos? No. Eggs? No. String cheese? Maybe, but probably not. Food isn't interesting enough. Besides, I already ate something today.... I can't for the life of me remember what the hell it was but I'm sure I ate. Most days, my mother feeds me something. How sad is that??

Maybe I didn't eat... Who knows? Not me. I had coffee... Hmm... I think I give up on sleeping. I might go make a mocha... And take my day meds... I love that I have an arrhythmia because it's easy to remember my meds. If I forget, my heart rate goes out of control and since I take it twice a day, I just take all my pills at the same time. Except xanax and stomach med. I notice when it's time for xanax and just take the stomach med with it.

The birds are singing me the prettiest song this morning. My brother's high school graduation is today. He's the first person in my immediate family to walk. No wonder my mental illness was so hard for me to believe... Lol

My phone is being really stupid. My cat is my friend. I think I'm done spewing nonsensical garbage for now.

warm up

I'm supposed to be working on my huge paper, so I'm here, warming up... letting the words to the thoughts spill out to get me started. I think I'm too tired to write. I haven't been sleeping very well lately... Naturally. On the days I take sleeping pills, I sleep just fine, but I'm not supposed to be taking them. Maybe if my shrink was taking me more seriously, I wouldn't need to. But that's just another thought... inside my head... these little voices, they're talking to me... I'm talking back again... Sorry...Sorry baby, I'm so sorry...
I seem to be coming down with something lately too. My throat hurts and my skin hurts. I do not understand why my skin hurts when I'm sick, but it does. I think I might be hungry, but I have zero interest in food these days. I haven't been eating much, some days not at all. Feeling sweet feeling, drips from my fingers... Manic depression is a frustrating mess!
So, I felt I needed fuel to reignite the flames of the written word inside my head, so I bought a bottle.... against the warning labels on my meds. Who cares? I'm not going anywhere. I live through everything. I must be here for something big because I never die. My laptop is uncomfortable. Is it bad that I relate so much to Eminem's music? I have stories that rival his lyrics easily... My life would scare a normal person. In fact, I learned that in everyday experiences. So I just don't talk to people about it. I don't tell people that when I was 14 and homeless, I used to break into houses, cook their food and leave. So many grilled cheese sandwiches with nice pans, in nice kitchens... Other people live so much better than me... that was when I learned that, I think. I wonder what it's like to function??
\Why do people call it "hard liquor"? It makes so much sense to just say "liquor". Weird.
I noticed a sharp increase in pageviews lately... Hi. :) How are you?
My little sister got singing lessons, I got poverty. Life is strange. My ipod is full. I think I might be hungry, but nothing sounds good. Food... what a pain in the ass. It takes too much time to make the food, eat it, etc. Boring! Something strange just happened to my post, but I'm just working right on through it. Fuck this, that little blue box is irritating. I'm done now.