CRAP dream

I just had a dream that I was at a family function and somebody kept stealing my laptop over and OVER again. Wtf??

No idea

Sometimes I don't know why I do the things I do. Other times I think I do and find out later that it was based on flawed thinking. That last one seems to happen a whole lot. Then I feel bad. This is boring so far, isn't it? I'm sorry.

I have been bouncing off the walls all day. I can't sit still unless I'm cold. I STILL don't feel like I've gotten enough done. I bought my pepper seeds to FINALLY get them started on time, but didn't start them yet. I'm a little afraid to since I'm not so great with houseplants.

I just took my bedtime meds, so chances are, this post will get more interesting as I go on.

My bedtime meds make me stupid, though. It's an unfortunate trade off for being halfway sane. Sane... What is sanity, really? In my humble opinion it is really only an illusion, but then, what would I know about sanity? It's really only a place I infrequently visit...

What, dear internet, are your views on sanity? I often wonder what other people think about things. I kind of feel alien most days. I wonder if other people feel that way?

I've been pretty bogged down with homework lately. Yeah this is a boring post. I'll come back later. Maybe.

Honesty and Openness

I kind of stole this picture, but it's just *too* perfect.
So, one of my therapy goals is working on openness. I figured this would be a pretty good place to start, since I'm fairly anonymous here. As most of you have probably guessed, I am bipolar, and horribly under medicated at this time. I'm not really sure what else to say at the moment. Usually, words flow through me like a river I can't stop. I feel off today, in general. I've been on a manic streak, and mine are mostly euphoric, so that's good on everything but the over-confidence, self-destruction and finances. Lol.

Sometimes I have these brief moments of clarity in between this, and wonder what's really going on... Because day to day, I really can't tell. Sometimes it is distorted thinking, other times, I am outright delusional.

Openness can be rather difficult for me, because I'm often not sure where I am from moment to moment, if that makes sense... Sometimes, I think the people around me are tricking me, other times I think my brain is tricking me. I suppose it's probably a combination of the two. I often feel like I can't really relate to the general public. I work with people every day, so I can, to an extent, but with other bipolar people, it's like a whole new level of connectedness, so I seek out other manic depressive people both unconsciously and consciously. By unconsciously, I mean I've discovered that almost everyone I've ever been close to is bipolar. By consciously, well, you know what I mean there. I have a really hard time sustaining friendships because I tend to fall off the face of the earth as far as anyone but lovers are concerned... Whoever I am dating is usually the only person who consistently hears from me. Because of this, I spend a lot of time on internet forums for bipolar people. It's just easier that way. We *get* each other, there is little guesswork, and if I am not around for a couple weeks, nobody gets all butt hurt about it.

The people I unconsciously seek out, however, do not usually practice this same courtesy of letting the person they are dating (me) know what's up and even I get butt hurt over it. How am I supposed to NOT take it personally?? I think that in intimate relationships, there is a certain degree of responsibility toward your partner, and if you can't manage it, you clearly don't like them enough to bother. Anyway, this is all just my opinion, and none of it matters. Suffice to say, I am holding a whole lot of information back, and will be focusing a lot more on myself in relationships than I have in the past. If I'm not a priority to you, you are no longer a priority to me. Catch my drift?

So, back to more important things... I've had one or two days of deep depression that came completely out of the blue - like can't get out of bed all day, catatonic, in tears alternating with numbness kind of depression. The rest of the days, I've been bouncing off the walls and driving everyone crazy, which seems to be as "baseline" as I get. I really hope my new psychiatrist will sort out the mess that is my meds, because it's long overdue. I think this is the clearest thought stream I've had in quite a while, and that's saying something bad, I think, because I bet most of you aren't following this train too easily as it meanders through the countryside.

More things...? I don't know. I'm trying my best to put mixed states to good use by baking, as I've always done in the past. I bet it's quite a sight to see someone furiously bake the way I do. Mixed states are awful, though, and a good number of people commit suicide during them because in one, you are often terribly depressed, but full of the energy it takes to end your life. So I beat up dough when I'm in a mixed state. And make potholders when my thoughts are racing but my body can't move.

I have trouble sustaining relationships, as anyone who has ever read this blog already knows. I'm not really sure why, but lately I've been thinking that I begin to focus too intently on pleasing my partner way too soon and thus, I become rather boring. Either way, MY needs matter, dammit. I don't want to talk about this one any more.

The sky was blue today, for about a fraction of a second. That really only happens here when it's absolutely freezing. I hate freezing. I still want to experience life in Alaska, though. Somewhere where I can garden for 6 months at a time, and see aurora borealis... I also want to live in southern California for a little while, and many other places. But here is where I hit a snag... One, I've already moved about 40+ times, and two, I don't have the money... Idea + ????? = profit! That is how my brain works.

I found he first location for my candy machine route yesterday. I'm excited because it'll bring an alternative source of income, which I need. I was also encouraged to see that my adsense account has a balance of about $13. They won't pay me until it reaches $100, and it's taken since 2006 to earn that $13, but still. It's something. (PLEASE CLICK MY ADS??? I'm begging...)

I think I'm done now. I think that's enough gut spilling for one day. Or one lifetime. We shall see.

Funny

I like this one :)