revenge of the inner child?

So I threw a tantrum today.
I threw a tantrum and killed it.
I was way out of line, and I over-reacted.

I was sad to see it go.
I'm still sad, but I'll be ok.
I had no right to say the things that I said.
But the monster inside took over
and I didn't see it coming
so I couldn't stop it.

I think that these tantrums
come from fear

I think that I fear loss
and this very fear
is a self-fulfilling prophecy
because it causes the loss
the minute I feel the fear.

So, this time, it's all my fault
and I'm sorry

and in the future, i will remember
that I have to let it unfold.
tearing it open will kill it

I have to let it unfold, in just the way it is going to
or I risk causing the very thing I fear

Another factor, I imagine; is a certain degree of insecurity.
Life has taught me, many times over; that people will not like me for who I am, and they will leave me.
Unfortunately, these lessons seemed to come at random times.
Much like hitting a dog for something it did four hours ago only teaches the dog to fear you,
many of my previous relationships with people have caused me to fear people, in a sense.
I bet a lot of it stems from things with my father...

Anyway...
I chased you away because I was afraid I would lose you.
All I can offer in repentance is a heartfelt, "I'm sorry", which of course changes nothing.
So, because I care about you and respect you, I will respect your wishes, whatever they be.

In my future, whether you choose to be around for it or not, I will include more time spent with friends and family, more time spent on my own interests, and more time spent accomplishing my goals. I was already heading in that direction, but this is a lesson I think I will not forget. I finally found someone who genuinely wanted to know me, and who treated me with respect, and supported my ambitions, and I couldn't figure out how to be with him. I am sad, but this is fantastic motivation to fix me, and that's exactly what I'll do.

This is to all you single mom bashers out there

First off, I'm sick to death of listening to you people whine (particularly to ME) about how the likes of people like me are ruining your lives. I'm sick of hearing about how you THINK you are being made to pay for MY child.

Secondly, consider this, if you will: NO ONE chooses to be a single mom. Done effectively, it's one of the hardest jobs out there, undeniably. We all end up this way for a reason, though. I think many people miss that fact.

Take me, for example: I was engaged to the father of my child, BEFORE we chose (together) to have her. When I met him, he was fairly stable. He had two jobs (one was with the National Guard - serving our country), and he still managed to be a primary caretaker of many in his family. When 9/11 happened, we prepared for him to deploy. The stress of all of this, and his mother's terminal illness, took a huge toll on him. Yet he remained strong, and so did I.

A year later, his orders were still up in the air, his mother had passed on, and we had a young child. Shortly after he was discharged, we learned I had cancer. His feelings for me continued to wax and wane for FIVE YEARS after this. We lived together, and we lived apart. Much of the time, I didn't bother asking about wedding dates, because by this point, I couldn't even rely on him to be around TODAY. I believe that the circumstances had a lot to do with things, but if you're with someone for FIVE YEARS, and they only hear from you once a week by YOUR choice, your actions are speaking for themselves. I think if you love someone, you find a way to be with them, and you share the burden of the circumstances.

During the last three or four years, we rarely saw him, and didn't hear from him much. He did not contribute financially, either. I knew he was having trouble, so I didn't ask for much anyway, I just took care of her needs myself to the best of my ability. He still said he loved me, but rarely even called us.

Eventually, I got tired of feeling like I was involved in a game of cat and mouse instead of a relationship. So, I left. I told him that if he wanted to work things out, I'd be willing to try, of course, but that he needed to also. He asked me to marry him again, and I called his bluff, offering to pay for it myself. He backed out. That wasn't the first time.

So, in a huge display of self-respect (not to mention I didn't want my daughter thinking it was ok to let someone treat you the way he treated me), I ended things permanently. I couldn't go on with someone who had no capacity to love me back, and no desire to be a father. It would have harmed my daughter more if I'd stayed, especially since he was so inconsistent with her. And anyway, I was too tired of the games to let it go on any longer, so I moved on with my life, and tried to better myself and my daughter in any way I could. He has paid, I think, a total of $2000 in child support over her LIFETIME, so for those of you who think women "trap" men for CS, please realize it usually isn't profitable, even if the guy SAYS he's starving to pay it. Most likely, he's lying. I know my ex does. He has another child now, and has just started biweekly visitation, and I couldn't be happier that he FINALLY sees her regularly.

The important point here is this: we become single moms for different reasons. Sometimes, things just don't work, and the only thing you can do is make the best of what will. So, if you haven't been there, DON'T JUDGE!!! You can't know someone's motives without knowing who they are.