Where am I?

I often disappear from everyone. I've written about this before, but I'll go more in-depth today as I'm doing it now. I get into these mental states where I just don't know how to respond to anything. It's like my brain's on vacation on fucking Pluto. I can't gather my thoughts well enough to participate in a real conversation, and if I do respond, the most likely answer will be "i don't know". And that's because I don't. I probably don't have a fucking clue what we're talking about, even on a surface level.

I have recently exposed myself as the owner if this blog to a couple of select people, and if you're reading this and I'm not saying anything, this might be why.

I feel panicky and spaced out at the same time. I don't really know how to say it so I'll just start throwing words around...

I am trembling right now, especially since I'm considering who may read these words... My brain is full of stuffing... Like from a stuffed animal. Parts of it actually hurt. Just a little bit. Like there's overactivity or something... It feels like electricity. I feel like an electronic stuffed animal. I'm not real, I'm not really here, and I am unsure of how to effectively process and respond to incoming stimuli.
I feel like I'm wandering through a dense fog... It's night time, and I'm alone in the woods... I can't see much of anything, it's very cold and so, so dark... The wind is making strange noises... Or at least, I think it's the wind? I'm terrified that it isn't.
I feel frozen. And freezing, and I do not mean that literally, even though it's cold in here.

Numb? Maybe? I don't know.

Toxicity of my brain

I'm having another one of those days where I'm afraid to talk to anybody because I might poison them. I don't feel like I'm in a dark mood or anything, I just feel like maybe I'm trying too hard to be in a good one.

I hate being depressed because there's a lot of selfishness embedded into it. If I could escape it, I would, but the darkness continues to suck me farther down into the black hole and toward oblivion...

I like it better when I can take away the pain of others, not subtly cause it. Mania, on the other hand, hijacks my sense of reason and reality entirely... I feel selfish for being mentally ill, but I logically know that it isn't my fault...

I'm trying to think of where I am when I'm in that healing place where I can relieve the weight from the shoulders of those around me. I have come to the conclusion that it almost always happens as soon as it's needed, regardless of my mental state. Even when I think others are plotting against me, if one of them needs a shoulder, suddenly mine works.

Ok, enough of that crap. I do a good job. Enough already. See? I'm in a mixed state right now, and I'm randomly experiencing every possible symptom from both cycles. I hate this. I try not to let illness define me, but I'm either manic, mixed, or depressed. There is no "normal". What is normal, anyway?

My thoughts were moving a lot faster than my hands were able to move for a while there... I honestly have no recollection of what I just wrote. Oh well.

Moving on, what was my point? Did I have one? Probably not... Is it making sense now? The reason I feel like I shouldn't be communicating with another person right now? It probably wouldn't work. I'm somewhere else. In my own puddle. Puddle of shit? Possibly. It's pretty dirty looking, that's all I know.

So I will spew my verbal vomit forth into the internet, because, well... Why not? Isn't that what humans do best? Spread poison everywhere? All kinds of poison. I wish I could fix the world. I watched the news today... Does it show?? A little bit?? War, famine, poverty, homelessness, starvation, dehydration, deforestation, the ozone holes, murder, rape, genital mutilation, gross crimes against humanity and human dignity, genocide, slavery, other humans dying of preventable illnesses because there's "no money" for prevention, extinction of species, stigma against sick people of all kinds - still... Have I left anything out? Yes. A whole lot. Those were just off the top of my head.

I can't go anymore.

Oh for fuck's sake...

I took my sleeping pill 2 hours ago and I'm still awake. I have to get up early tomorrow. I might just stay the fuck up. Why the Fuck does my phone always want to capitalize "fuck"?? Is it really that important? My hand is numb, my brain is full of noise and music and words and I don't know what the Fuck to do with myself. I might go drink tomorrow's ?? (Damnit if I haven't woken up yet, it's still yesterday or something to that effect) coffee... Coffee sounds fantastic! I wonder if emojiis will show up... Testing testing 🎶

Gears and fears and other people's beers.
Sanity is a carefully held illusion.
Let's see what happens when I write based on autocorrect. This could be interesting.

Fancy Nancy who feels so ansy...
Score one for me.
Vero is my hero.
Dos
Which witch is which? The one in a ditch?this is making me itch. What a bitch that witch was...
That was pretty good.
Sorry the story goes on and on and on like a defective bomb.

If you haven't guessed, the game is to blindly type the first word and let autocorrect do what it does, and then write from there. I had fun. Now I'm done.

Fuck. Loo. yeah that's what I meant, autocorrect. Thanks.
I have had significantly less caffeine today than usual. That might actually be why I can't sleep. Or maybe I need to get the Fuck off of this antidepressant.
I love creedence... I ain't no fortunate one, no...
My mother said my dad loved this song too. I wonder if he's alive sometimes... Not sure I care. Haven't seen him since I was a baby and my only memory of him was him slapping my mother so hard her head hit the wall.. that's it. I don't want to meet him.

Lean on me.. when you're not strong, blah blah blah. Pandora. Panda ora. panda orca. Orcas are beautiful. I can't slow the words, but my body is glued to the couch and I'm not happy. So fucking sad, so full of mental energy... I got hired on part time at the place I was on call. That's awesome. I can't believe they really think I'm good at something. Or that I'm even remotely stable.

Buffalo soldier, dreadlock Rasta...
Things and stuff and more blah blah. My brain is full of cotton. With a lot of tiny spiders in it. There crawling all over and whispering things in there. If you know your history... My sister is 1% African.
I'm Mostly Irish. That's a lot of capitals, Mr autocorrect. Ok then. Where was i? Somewhere about cotton. It feels like it's coming out of my ears. Like I'm a stuffed doll. Maybe that's why my body isn't moving. Because I am doll parts. Hahaha

Holy shitballs this is getting long. I don't think I care. At least I was nice enough not to make it a huge chunk of run on sentences this time. Youre welcome. I don't wanna hear this song, Pandora. Panda orca. Skip, skip, skip... Is what they called my sperm donor. That's a better song.

It is currently 3:00 in the fucking morning. I WAS sleeping 12 hours a day on the previous antipsychotic. I have to be somewhere at 11 because it's thanksfuckinggiving, which I hate for a variety of reasons. Happy fucksgiving everyone. I'm glad I have a friend to go to today. My mom and I used to bitch about the horrendous history of fucksgiving. We always hated it. She made enchiladas every year, I made cookies. I make the best fucking cookies. I can't cook worth a shit, but damn I can bake.

Ok, I think I'm going to go somewhere else now. Once again, thanks for reading my shit. I thoroughly enjoy taking verbal dumps. Thanks for caring.
~END TRANSMISSION~

? rant about nothing

I haven't seen my therapist in like a month and I've really been needing her... I've been working and sleeping. I sleep a lot. 12 hours per day, most days, thanks to my meds... I switched to a different antipsychotic though, so maybe it won't be as bad. So far, I'm a lot less tired, but a lot more overstimulated. I think that needs a hyphen... Oh well. Fuck I hate commercials.

I don't think I had a point, really... I think I just have something to say, and I don't know what it is yet. We'll see. I'll be as surprised as you are. Everyone is too busy for me. I need the time alone anyway, I guess... I'm so godamn sad. That's all i can think to say. My brain is full of half thoughts today. I feel like it's a jumbled, boring mess.

I'm just sad. The dog is awesome. I'm irritated. And I can't sleep. See, boring, barely complete thoughts.

I will take a sleeping pill and it will carry me away into a drugged, heavy slumber, with strange dreams. I had a sleep walking incident a couple days ago... That was weird. I can't wait to slip into a half coma type state... I love sleep. It's like a mini death. Relief from daily life. My dreams are often entertaining, too. I've been asking other people about their dreams, and telling them about mine... Most people dream of only a few things, I dream about something doesn't every day. Often, it's about daily life with some metaphors and symbols about deeper things... Sometimes they're vivid, other times, I dream in gray with one color. It's usually red or blue.

Dreams are interesting to me... I'd like to learn more about what they mean. Mine are often fairly obvious. Other times not so much. I think the tacos were me not knowing how to live without my mother, considering the fact that I kept asking her how to make them and then she vanished.

Self-medicating with television and weed will only get you so far... Eventually, I have to face reality in all its absolute horror. I know that so many have things worse, and that the world is a fucked up place... It keeps me up at night. That's part of the horror. I can't watch the news. If there was a god, I can't imagine they'd allow the kind of suffering that this planet carries daily... Still, I'd like to think there is something after death. Otherwise, we all went through hell for nothing. My theory has always been that we are currently in hell. Where we go when we're done here, I have no idea... I believe in reincarnation. I believe I've seen a few too many lifetimes.  My soul has been exhausted for some time.

Do you believe that music can save your mortal soul? I believe it can while you're on this hell called earth, life, existence... After that, I don't know. But I can't wait to find out. I hope my dreams have shown me a few glimpses, because what I've seen is immeasurable love and light. A utopia. My phone almost never guesses what I'm going to say.

I think this is long enough for a pointless ramble. Maybe the sleeping pill will inspire something more interesting.

Obituary

I meant to have your obituary in the paper for today. I finally wrote it. It took me nearly a year to find the right words, and I'm still not sure I was quite able to articulate them. I did the best I could though, and i guess that's really the best I can do. That's what's on my mind today.

My kitties are cuddling and it's very cute. I'm learning more about the issues that center around the mental health system... I knew of some of them already... Jaded and irritable providers, very little funding, massive stigma, etc. This, I knew about.

What I was not aware of, however, was the entire population of people who end up under court orders in inpatient facilities and other programs. Many of these people are homeless and simply found themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time, and didn't quite have the coping skills to escape. Our maybe it was resources they lacked, or they were victims of circumstance. Very few of the people I see are violent offenders of any kind. They just don't have good support systems. And when they're released, they're often released to the streets. I hate this about this world. I hate the "it's not my problem" philosophy... I think that's one of the biggest sold the world is currently facing.

It's incredibly sad, for me, at least,too see people in situations I would've certainly been in had I lacked an adequate support system. It makes me wish I could take them all in, house them, offer them the opportunity to take care of their hygiene needs, help them find jobs and gain the support they need so desperately... I wish I could fix it all...

Small

I feel so small without you here
So lost and alone in the dark
This song is not worth your love or your beer
I wish I could think of something better to write
Everything I can think of right now sounds trite
There are no words to express this loss
This love, this closeness
Telepathic conversations, cheese sauce
I miss it all... I haven't shaped my brain around it
I feel like I'm wandering through a terrible dream
Life without you is nothing more than pointless shit

So far, this sucks.