More crap

I can't afford to go to my psychiatrist, and we were in the process of switching me to a different mood stabilizer (because this one wasn't working well enough) so my mood stabilizer dose is so low, it's not even an effective dose. I can't afford my antipsychotic, so I'm not taking it. I'm basically not medicated, other than so many benzos... At least I haven't built up a tolerance to the benzos, but my sleeping pill no longer makes me sleep. It's just like a couple extra xanax now. My meds are a mess, my head's a mess, and I can't sleep. I'm overanalyzing and all over the place. I wish I had gone back to work sooner. Then I'd probably have health insurance, be a couple thousand dollars closer to on track, and not wondering how I'm gonna buy trash bags. I'm back to applying for food stamps, and this year my refund will be around $100. I'm grateful I don't owe.
A lot of stuff has been coming up about my past and I don't know how to deal with it. I know, I know, live sucks, move on. I have obviously, or I'd be stuck in some abusive relationship. But it's weird to think about. But the money's really been grating on me, even though I know it's temporary.

I don't know

I was thinking about things... And the reason I keep attracting friends with benefits style relationships is because that's what I want right now. I want friendship, and I want sex, but I don't want anybody interfering with my life, taking up too much of my time, or interfering with Teresa's childhood (the only thing she needs is to see somebody treat me well), and I have too many issues for anyone to deal with... But I am female, and my hormones make this impossible for me. As soon as this starts, I get attached and want more. So I go without, and I'm horny and lonely, and maybe a slightly less good mom because of it. So there's that.

And then I realized that there is a huge chunk of my life that my therapist knows nothing about... She doesn't know I smoke weed, she doesn't know I thoroughly enjoy the times I spend when prescribed painkillers, she doesn't know that I'm weak when it comes to someone I like...
When she read my timeline, she was surprised. She didn't know that I grew up surrounded by gangsters, in fact, I don't think that's in there either... She was surprised that I'd sold drugs for so long...
What does all this mean, that my therapist, the person you're supposed to be most honest with, who I've been seeing for how many ? years know so little about me? Maybe I'm really guarded, but we've never had a quiet session... I just can't help but thinking lately, damn, I've got a lot of issues... I wish I was man. But then I'd feel terrible for breaking women's hearts. I don't know... I hear some women can do it, but I'm not one of them. I hit on a girl recently and she blew me off... Right away. She said she's been seeing someone, but even if that's not true, she should've blown me off.

My mom knew all of this. She knew everything. The three miscarriages, everything...

I wonder if I'm too screwed up to be a good parent... I mean, I know I'm not a bad one, but I could probably do better. I think I'm raising her more as a friend than as a child. She is the next closest person to me.

I don't know

Nothing

I just want somebody to notice me. To see me. Why is that so hard? I guess everybody seeks to be understood in a way, but I feel like I'm invisible. Nobody has noticed me in a long time, at least as a person... And even less people have tried to know me. What's so strong with me that I'm not worth a few months of getting to know me? I'm not boring... Far from it. Am I looking to the wrong people? Who should I be looking to, then? I spent my whole life falling through the cracks. As an adult, I still do. Because apparently, I'm invisible. I can't even have a conversation with someone unless I initiate it first. Every time. I'm am introvert. That's exhausting and awkward. I feel like I'm going the distance for people who won't even met me halfway.