The following are articles that I find helpful. I have cited the authors where possible.
I don't know where this one came from:
Emotional abuse is characterized by the abuser’s manipulation and invalidation of his or her partner. Here is a list of warning signs to be aware of.
Abusive Expectations
• Makes
unreasonable demands.
•
Requires constant attention, or that you spend all your free time with him/her.
•
Constantly criticizes.
• No matter how much you give,
it never seems to be enough.
Aggressing
•
Calls you names, accuses, blames, threatens, or gives orders.
• Can be
disguised as “helping” or “teaching.”
•
Judgmental “I know best” attitude.
Constant Chaos
•
Deliberately starts arguments and may be in constant conflict with you or with others
• Treats you well in front of others, but
changes into a different person when you’re alone together, or vice versa.
• May
enjoy “drama,” because it creates excitement and brings the focus back onto him/herself.
Denying
•
Denies your personal needs, especially when that need is greatest, and does so with the
intent of hurting, punishing, or humiliating you.
•
Denies that certain events occurred or that certain things were said.
•
Refuses to listen or communicate (silent treatment), and withdraws emotionally.
•
Denies your perceptions, memory, and sanity.
•
Disallows or overrules any viewpoints, p
erceptions, or feelings that differ from his/her own.
•
Causes you to lose confidence in and question your own perceptions and feelings.
•
Causes you to doubt your most powerful survival tool: your own mind.
Dominating
•
Manipulates the relationship so that the only feelings and opinions that count are his/her own.
•
Must have his/her own way, and will hurt your feelings if necessary in order to get it.
•
Holds you personally responsible for his/her own happiness.
•
Disregards your personal standards or beliefs, and may try to
persuade you to do things that you don’t want to do.
Emotional Blackmail
•
Plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, religious values, or other “hot buttons” to get what he/she wants.
•
May threaten to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, give you the “cold shoulder,” or use other tactics to control you.
Invalidation
• Seeks to distort your perceptions of your own world.
•
Refuses to or fails to acknowledge reality in order to create his/her own false reality.
• If you tell your partner that you felt hurt by something he/she did or said, he/she might say,
“You’re too sensitive. That shouldn’t hurt you.”
• Or, the abuser might
turn it around by saying,
“You hurt me too sometimes. I just don’t say anything because I’m understanding.”
•
Suggests that your emotions and perceptions are faulty and can’t be trusted.
•
Any time your own feelings are disregarded or denied, invalidation has occurred.
Minimizing
• Less extreme form of denial.
• Says things like
“You’re exaggerating” or
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
•
Trivializes by suggesting that
something you have communicated is inconsequential or unimportant.
Unpredictable Responses
• Acts angry or upset in a situation that normally would not warrant such a response, or
gets angry certain times but not others.
•
Blows up or gets angry at you over innocent comments you made.
• You feel like you have to
“walk on eggshells” around him/her.
• Has
drastic mood changes or
sudden emotional outbursts.
• Likes something you do one day, but
hates it the next.
Verbal Assaults
•
Berates, belittles, criticizes, threatens, or calls you names.
•
Subtle to blatant use of sarcasm and humiliation.
•
Constantly finds flaws with you.
•
Makes fun of you in front of others, or in private.
Emotional abuse often starts out very subtly, and progresses gradually over a period of time. Abusers are master manipulators, and can deceive even your friends and family – as well as their own.
Trust your own feelings and perceptions!
How To Avoid An Obsessive or Abusive Relationship
by Bill Knell
Avoiding obsessive or abusive partners takes some forethought and planning. Here are some helpful tips. It's ironic that in a time when one of the biggest complaints from people involved in romantic relationships involves the other person's lack of commitment, that many find themselves unable to break free from obsessive partners. The key to avoiding that kind of a dilemma is knowing the difference between those who commit and those who obsess.
Before you attempt to initiate any romantic liaison, it's wise to decide what type of a relationship you‘re looking for? Most people put more effort into deciding what they'll have for dinner, then who they'll get involved with and under what circumstances. This is an important step, because sending out the wrong signal while you're looking is just the one likely to be received by the wrong person.
It's easy to grow weary of the dating game and get to the point where being in the comfort zone of finding a regular partner and potential spouse makes you want to skip a step, but that can be a very costly mistake. It's smarter to stay in the safe zone. The first and best way to allow a time for sizing up any potential partner is by making it a group effort. But before you invite anyone anywhere, play the privacy card.
Reasonable people understand that we all live in a dangerous and slightly paranoid world. But the paranoia is not without justification. The day of exchanging phone numbers with a stranger is over and done with. The only safe way to remain slightly and safely anonymous is to use a junk email address for initial contact. Any free email service like Hotmail will do. Never provide personal information to a stranger. Keep your phone numbers, birth date, address, job information and other personal details to yourself. If all this seems a bit much, just ask any victim of an abusive or obsessed lover how fast they would go back and do it right if they had the chance!
Inviting someone to join you and a group of friends for a night out provides a safety net. If your friends are an important part of your life, this will give you the opportunity to see how your potential date mixes in with them. Most people who become obsessed with a date or partner demand complete attention. One of the first things they will try and do is to step in between you and your friends. If you get an inkling of this type of behavior or are generally uncomfortable with the way your date behaves, slam the door in their face.
No one enjoys rejecting someone any more then they enjoy being rejected themselves, but this is a necessary step if you make the mistake of mixing with the wrong person. If a potential date or partner is one likely to obsess over you, then you cannot leave any room for negotiation or misunderstanding. Tell them you were uncomfortable with the way the evening went and did not care for their behavior. Indicate that you will not be seeing them again on any level and have no interest in doing so.
If things go well during your first group effort with a potential date, keep it that way for awhile. Anyone worth getting involved with will be glad to put out a little extra effort and endure some inconvenience to find the right person. Keeping it in a group also tends to separate those with the wrong agenda from people who just may be what you're looking for. Someone who is obsessive or abusive is unlikely to tolerate more then one or two pseudo-dates in a group. They like to target people who are lonely, vulnerable and have few friends. Most people who socialize in a crowd don't fit the entirety of that description. You'll also find that those just looking for a child's next step parent, an extra source of income, someone to stay with or an easy mark for a big loan will flee to greener and easier pastures.
Everyone dreams of being involved with the perfect person, but watch out! People who obsess or end up abusing their partners are often those who start off with what they consider to be honest sentiments and are almost always on their best behavior. A sure sign of this type of individual is over the top behavior. They move too fast, send too many flowers, give too many gifts, want you to immediately meet every member of their family and desire to be involved in every aspect of your life. All those gifts and all that attention comes with a price. Before you know it, they will expect you to reciprocate. That reciprocation can take the form of too much influence over your personal or professional life and a need to be with you or aware of your activities 24/7. Suddenly, they're at your doorstep with a suitcase or have taken the liberty of moving your things into their home. Think it can't happen? It does everyday and faster then you can imagine!
When it comes to looking for a partner or spouse, common sense is the last thing most people use and the first thing they should. While some may blissfully imagine that opposites attract, Sleeping Beauty and Attila the Hun would probably not be a match made in heaven. Some consideration should be given to what types of behavior you are willing to tolerate. Most behaviors multiple over the years. A loud person gets louder. A quiet person gets quieter. A rude person gets ruder. A person who drinks a little too much now will drink a lot too much later. The good news is that a nice person will probably get nicer.
If you're looking for a trophy, take up sports. If you're looking for the friend you never had, buy a dog, cat or bird. If you're looking for the Mom or Dad that never paid attention to you, volunteer time at a retirement home where elderly people tend to reward sincere efforts at friendship with honest appreciation and benevolent love. Before you sell yourself short and give up your freedom to someone with good looks who will gladly kick you into tomorrow or hunt you down if you try and leave, stop and do the math!
Whether we like it or not, anyone looking for romance in today's world is a potential target for the wrong choice. It's a sad sign of the times that falling in love has become a lot more complicated then it used to be!
Article Source: www.homehighlight.org
Excerpt from: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml
By Natalie P.
"The more subtle forms of emotional abuse can be the hardest to escape from, because the gaps between the loving, caring behavior and the emotional cruelty can span several weeks or months. However, someone who is nice and caring, and helpful for 2 or 3 months at a time, but then deliberately does or says something very emotionally devastating and cruel to a partner is no better than someone who does the same nice things but then PUNCHES his partner once every few months. The pain, the insecurity, the uncertainty, and the heartache are the same. The bruises and the welts are on the inside instead of the outside, and they take far longer to heal. While someone may be emotionally blindsided by major episodes of emotional cruelty, and may even recognize it as abuse, abused partners often "overlook" the subtle everyday criticisms, "chain yanking", and emotional blackmail that are woven into the fabric of their relationship, accepting (or denying) it as just part of a "relationship". Unfortunately, it's part of a very UNHEALTHY relationship."
