high tide

i think the tides have shifted
my thoughts have picked up speed
flying by, racing mind
or maybe I'm just drunk

maybe it's mixed...
I guess we'll see
you and me

manic depression is a frustrating mess.

but with liquor I am blessed.

Ode to the Unknown Caller

o unknown caller
how your presence insults me
each time i take a shower
there you are, ringing away
i dish up my dinner
and you call yet again
it seems every time I'm busy
you are there
with such persistence

o unknown caller
why must you bother me?
did i forget a bill?
is it something you wish I'd buy?
Please just leave me be
unknown caller - you are really getting to me
RING!!! There you are again!

deep blue

a slip, a careless little stumble
and a fall into the deep blue ocean
don't have the strength to fight
so i don't swim
i just start to sink
like concrete blocks
i sink down further
i start to choke
i feel the cold
as it overtakes me
watch the pretty fish swim by
i hear the splash of someone
someone diving in to save me
feel their water rush toward me
still far above
they rush
i relax into the water
sinking further
it's too late
I've made myself a home
here under the deep blue
i breathe in one last breath of water
and become one with the sand
the end

I must start adding titles! Remind me, please?

I'm trying to write something useful, like good lyrics, but I'm stuck. And my music isn't playing right. everything is pissing me off. and I can't get a good buzz no matter how hard i try. my sister and i are working to eventually collaborate on some of my lyrics, but she's busy with her own album, so i don't see her much. you know what? None of this is any of your business. I feel... something I can't place.

Life

Fast track to destruction

life in the land of cliche

I think one of these days, I'll rework some of my lyrics so they suck less and do an open mic night. One of these days, I'll pick up my guitar and be better at it. One of these days, I'll relearn the violin. One of these days, I do something. But not today. Today is all about survival. Today, I will do the homework that's already late, and try to keep myself alive. Why is that so hard? I almost did it a few years ago, but decided I didn't want my daughter finding me. That's the only thing that stopped me. If she wasn't here, I'd have been hospitalized repeatedly... For ups and for downs...

For ups and for downs

for keeps, for you

see me through

and i'll see to you

i need something more interesting to write about. Everything I've written in the last few years is so boring and stale. Sometimes I think I should change my major to English and try to become a writer. Other times, I think everything I write is a complete waste of space. 

fake plastic love

Fake plastic love... I get that. completely. I think my meds might be too low. I'm having those moments (months) where I think I'm being brilliant when I'm not, and then moments (weeks to months) like this. But since time itself is only an illusion, what difference does a little thing like how long my suffering lasts really matter to the universe? I am a speck of dust. I am a speck of dust as far as humans are concerned, too. Particularly me.

On to fake plastic love... I wonder what real love is? I don't think I'd know it if it walked up and bit my ass. Several things have... Namely words I've uttered... Thoughts are dripping today, rather than rushing forward like a break in a dam. My brain is melted, or so it feels...Since I have no clue what the real thing looks like, how would I know what fake looks like, you ask? Well, I know a few things... Fake love is founded on lies, insecurity, filling a void, or some combination thereof. I'm sure there are other kinds of fake love... For example, if you are in a relationship with someone you almost never see, is it real? The love might be, but the relationship most likely is not. Because it most likely is non-existent.

Blah blah blah... I wonder pretty often what nursing homes will be like when my generation gets to them. I hope I make it long enough to find out. I think my cancer will come back though, if I don't end up killing myself somehow first. I'm taking an English class this quarter. I think that's where some of my words have gone. The rest, I'm afraid is probably depression. Depression is a mean little parasite, feeding off of any little shreds of you in can find... Until there is nothing left and you're empty like I am. One more time! With feeling! Sorry Mrs. E (my 6th grade orchestra teacher), but I'm just not able today... Maybe tomorrow.

DId you know that before people die, the body tries to prepare by emptying? That's everything... But there is always some left behind. That's where CNAs come in. Postmortem care involves cleaning the patient's entire body, particularly peri-care (that's clean up of pee & poop for those not in the know...). After they are cleaned, redressed in nice clothes, their bedding changed, and their body staged for family goodbyes, they are sent off to the morgue, where they will be cleaned and dressed up again. The more you know...

What's the use in me?

I am full of words 24 hours a day, 7 days a week... Here for your amusement, since my life is really just one big cosmic joke. Are you amused yet? I'm not. I'm angry, and sad... so very sad. I wish I knew why. I know I'm under quite a bit of pressure these days, but I always am, and I usually handle it just fine. This time, I have sunken into the abyss and don't even have the energy to fight the waves... I'm just... sinking. Forget the fight, let's just go under. What else can I do, really? I fail to see a way out of my life, and the problems that consume it. A flame of anguish is inhaling me, digesting me, spitting out my ash...

The word load has lightened today, there is progressively less and less in me as the days drift past. I feel... dry. If that makes any sense. I don't know how else to explain it. At least there is rum today. That helped for about a minute and a half. Then, I think it was about the same. If ever I was in need of a reason to live, today is one of those days. I feel so useless. All I can do is curl up into a ball on the couch. When I force myself to get up, I don't get very far. My body does not want me up and moving. I feel pain everywhere, my chest hurts when I get up, and I feel a little like I'm going through withdrawal. Of what, I have no idea. No drugs, no med changes, no explanation. I want to write something worth reading. That's what I came here for, but I'm so low I can't even do that right. What's the use in me?

This was a dream I had - Fuck, i don't know... Somebody else name it.

Bubbles swirl around my weary eyes
Glitter flies all around me, or is it dust?
Pop pop pop eyes burn
I guess when my heart's on fire, soap gets in my eyes.

0300 hours

I can't sleep. My headphones are broken. One ear works if it's positioned just right. Whatever. I'll buy new ones when I get my ass out of the house and to the store. Or maybe I'll send somebody else.

I love The Cure. I hate my meds. I'm fat, stupid and itchy and STILL have serious problems. I still fall off the face of the earth. I recently ignored my boyfriend for an entire week and I don't even know why. I still cry for 6 months if something bad happens. I still don't know what to do with my life. My ideas change every day. I'm in my 30s. I can't hold on to money because I either buy 57 mochas or spend it all on some stupid shit I think will make me rich someday. Idea + ???? = PROFIT!

This is irritating. Lamictal makes me itchy. Risperdal makes me fat. Xanax makes me stupid. Probably they all do. I'm a hopeless mess. I miss everyone but I think they all hate me and I have absolutely nothing to say to anyone. It's not like I'm any good to anyone right now. I think this started about two weeks ago. Fun. Hopefully it'll be short. Or mixed. At least mixed I can get off the couch. I get suicidal but still. It's nice to move. And be able to keep up. I feel like the whole world is spinning in circles around me.

I think I'm done. I don't wanna talk to you anymore.

Dreams

I have a lot of dreams. Usually several a night and some quite strange. I need to start writing them all down and making songs out of them. I need to start making better decisions, and better writing. All I can create is baked goods and so many words... Congratulations, you have won! It's a year's subscription of bad puns...

I need more music in my life. If I could I'd perform mine. I can't do anything today. Except fail. I've gotten really good at that recently. Thanks for that, Mr A. I get to repeat this class. Love that. Except I don't. Not at all.

But that's beside the point. I think there was one. The words, the thoughts are coming slow today. These weeks. I cant remember when this got started. But I can tell you exactly how it will end... Overstimulated and empty at the same time. I feel dead inside, but full at the same time.
I need to be honest with my therapist but i don't feel like i can trust her.

This is exhausting. I think I'm done now.

Fishing in the grass

So very cold in here
Dank and dark, calm
Can shift, cannot steer
Smell of sweat, stale air
Cold feet, sticky bed
Itchy, flaky, feeling gray
Tepid skin, messy head
Have to go, have to run
Escape and leave this hell
That I created, told them to leave
All alone, locked up in my cell

Outside, Surrounded by sounds
The world spins by
Leaves me behind, breathless
Too many lights overtake the sky
So many distant voices
Crowding my ears, my mind
Feel numb and dead inside
Longing to be surrounded by my own kind
Don't know who they are
Feel so alien, so lost

Under the radar

The unseen
The unheard
Living green
Crash and burn

Come out and play
You'll get used to the dark
Come out and play
Explore the spark

This is boring. Maybe I'll fix it later. I think meds broke me.