My brain is full at the moment. I'm mixing alcohol with my med cocktail tonight. I wonder if something happened, if anybody would care. I know my daughter would, and my mother would have to take care of her, so I'm sure she'd care... Plus, she'd feel terrible. But would anybody else care? I doubt it. I know if anything happened to my whatever-he-is, I would spiral into the depths of the abyss, but I can't say I think he'd feel that way about me. I'm not sure I can tell how he feels about me today. But every time I get to thinking like this *this time* I've found out later that all was well all along and it was distorted thinking. *This man* really is a special case, and has gone out of his way to show me that. I just wish he'd take me out more often. I think I'd feel more secure in us if he would. But the point of relationships is what you can give, not what you can get.
I'm worried about school because I'm not sure I can take the pressure of getting in once I've satisfied all of my pre-reqs. I don't really know what else to say about that. Everyone around me is very reassuring, and I have offers for letters of recommendation for getting in, but none of those people know how very NOT functional I am, at least right now. Some days, I can't even get up to take a shower. That's not right. My med appointment was bumped up, so that's promising...
I'm very frustrated. I want things to be more, and a bit faster between the two of us, but I couldn't handle it yet. I'm not ready to meet his kids yet, but I want to be. It's been a damn year. I should be ready by now. It's not him, it's the fact that his kids are older, and I don't really know how to get along with older children. I'm afraid they will see through me and think I'm not a real adult. The more time goes by, the older they get. Scary. I'm trying to work that out in therapy. I know he wants me to meet them *someday* (such a magical word, someday), but I think that he senses that I'm not ready. He wants a lot of things for us someday. Of the two of us, he's put a lot more thought into this relationship than I have. I just work on my end. lol That's kinda all I can handle. He's the one who plans and stuff. I definitely see him in my future, but I don't have a timeline at all. He appears to.
If they would just stop lowering my xanax dose I wouldn't want to drink so badly. I do make *the best* homemade Bailey's, though. I may never want to stop drinking. Meds suck for that.
At least my brain isn't full of nonsensical garbage like it usually is. It's just full of worries. I feel fear. A lot of fear. I don't know what it's about, or where it is coming from, just fear. He tried to comfort me and soothe the fears... Maybe that's why he has fears about me. Because I'm afraid. I don't know what I'm afraid of today. There is a monster inside my head. I'm supposed to be writing two papers, and reading two and a half chapters, but I'm just happy I made it through the other chapter and a half I was supposed to read. My homework is easy, I just can't get in the right frame of mind right now to do it. Maybe after my daughter goes to bed it'll be easier.
I don't really feel ready for anything right now. I don't know what the hell my problem is today. I just feel sort of half-baked, like I just need more time in the oven and I'll be ok. I wish I knew where the oven was. I'd crawl inside it and hide for a while. I need a cocoon. A place to hide, recuperate, and grow. I need serenity... In a place where I can hide. I need serenity... Nothing changes, days go by...
My thoughts are half-baked, for sure. I'm still wondering who all you people are. Something about asking the identity of a masked man... There's a half a thought for ya. It's the first quiet night here in quite a while. The house has been full of people all week. That's where I got behind on my homework. I usually turn it all in early because I cannot remember what day today is, let alone what day something's due. I'm terrified that I will forget to hand things in and flunk out of school. Like I said, a lot of fear is permeating my brain today. I feel... permeable. If that makes sense... My brain is permeable. Like plastic dishes. The rot around me is trying to sink in, and I'm trying so hard to push it back out. But I am permeable today, so I am susceptible.
I'm going to go do my homework, and come back with a good buzz so I can write something worth reading.
