Mood swings, I forgot, and strange substances

I tried Xhosa dream root last night. My dreams were as fuzzy as usual. I blame all the benzos. However, when I reached for my levothyroxine this morning, I had a sudden flashback of one of my dreams... In it, I was at my doctor's office. She wanted to pull a free T4 on me, which means she wanted to check my thyroid hormone levels. Due to horrendous suffering, I've taken my dose into my own hands, and I'm way over my recommended amount. They recommend I stay on the low side of normal, which leaves me with parched skin, thin hair, an extra 30 lbs, no motivation, no energy, muscle pain, joint pain, no appetite, brittle yet soft fingernails which break below the nail bed (ouch). In my dream, I was terrified that she'd find out I had tampered with my dose. I could feel the panic when I remembered the dream.

I took more dream root this morning, the recommended way... We'll see what happens tonight. Since I've been on it today (i took my dose in the early morning like you're supposed to), I've felt more upbeat, more energetic, and just generally happier. I could see myself taking this long term. At first, I noticed very slight hallucinogenic properties, but only very slight, and they went away quickly.

I'm trying to lose weight now because I am 30-40lbs overweight and can't stand it. My arthritis can't stand it either.

I'm done with this post. I'm tired and I'm going to bed now. Goodnight, interwebz.

6/18/14

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you're doing everything you're supposed to be doing, but in reality, you're sleeping through everything you're supposed to be doing?

I was supposed to meet my mother's best friend at the funeral home today to order a couple of small urns for my brother and sister. I was supposed to go to the store first, so I'd have coffee because I'm out. I dreamt that I was on the phone talking about all this with my mom's boyfriend. He and I talk a lot, but never in the daytime because he works during the day. I was lamenting about my utter hatred for grocery stores again, and he suggested I order from schwans because they deliver home cooked meals. He would never suggest that in real life. After I got off the phone with him, I went to the store and bought the coffee I was out of, made myself and my daughter a coffee, got ready and got in the car. Then, I woke up and it was 10:15. It took me 20 minutes to find my phone to call Lynn. I needed to leave by 10:30 in order to get there in time. She told me not to bother. I felt bad for disappointing her. My mother never would have.

Bills

I haven't paid the bills yet. I forgot where I put them. Probably I accidentally put them in the sad mail pile. I went through the sad mail pile the other day... I managed to clear out her junk mail. I couldn't get rid of her bank statement that showed all the transactions from the weeks before she died.

It's weird, but my mom was my soul mate. Not in the romantic sense... But I don't feel like I can be attracted to anyone romantically ever again... I don't know how those two things relate... The thought of sex repulses me right now, and has ever since. Of course, I met my needs for that with a man... He and I are no longer seeing each other. I don't feel a sense of loss about that, at least not a measurable one... When I realized we weren't seeing each other anymore, I felt a little relieved that I wouldn't be expected to "perform".

I crave the type of connection that I had with my mother, though... I doubt I'll find it anywhere ever again. We had a very special connection. The kind where you know each other so well, you literally experience telepathy. We could have a whole conversation without even the secret glances most people need. I could read her eyes, and she always knew what I was thinking. I remember a few times I was with her, I thought about something and she commented on it as though I had spoken to her about it. Half of me has died. Half of my memory, half of my laughter, half of my joy, my sadness, my heart... I still can't get through a single day without crying. I feel like I'm dying. I wish I was. I can't wait to find out what happens after we die, and I'd jump at the chance to see her again. We have fleeting moments, in dreams and in little signs... But it's not the same as sitting on the couch together watching the middle and lamenting about how lazy we'd become... I miss her so much. The other day I had a dream about someone (probably my mother) whose husband of 10 years had died, and I could feel that pain so strongly that I couldn't breathe. Just like I feel once a day... I tried to comfort her, but was in no position to do so. My mother's ex husband of around 10 years passed away in 2009. It was a crushing blow to her, and she suffered through her grief and remorse for years. I couldn't understand just how terrible it must've been on her until now. She was like my spouse, in so many ways... We were raising children together. We were inseparable... I go on and on about these facts, but I feel I can't overstate it. I cannot convey just how close we were... We were a kind of close most people will never experience. I'd still rather die than live without her.