let's see how autocorrect slaughter this once...

see? it already happened. I'm trying to teach my brew tablet how to figure out what words to use, but I'm sitting here with racing thoughts unable to sleep and little patience to fix it's errors. so I'm not sorry for all the mistakes in grammar.

they drive mage nuts, though... especially when I see them later. the trouble is, when I correct them after the fact, blogger changes the publish date and makes it a network entry. so I have to carefully read everything I type, and since I don't have the patience to read what I just wrote on a teeny tiny screen, many slip past my face. I can't remember what I actually wanted tutu wrote admit, but I know there was a point somewhere along this track, but I was derailed by my own title. see why I hate adding titles to these?

I don't know why this tablet can't get the word "me" right.

one thing that's been on my mind lately... I see women in relationships treating their men (and women) like shit. a lot. in subtle, normal ways, and in deliberate acts of bitchiness... and I wonder why I'm perpetually single. the people I see being treated the worst are people I know and generally care about. I know they're good people. not that anyone deserves it... but I can't help but think to myself that if I met someone that nice, there's no way I'd treat them like that... I treat people I date very well, and in return, I am treated like those I see.  I am ignored, disappointed, abandoned, discarded, used, unappreciated, etc. and I know that's how they feel too... I've always thought it was shades off gray... that everyone is an asshole in some way, but lately, I'm starting to believe that some people only have asshole. and there are quite a few of them. don't get me wrong, I've definitely been an asshole at some points, usually in self defense, from mutt perspective... fuck, apricot autocorrect... y'all know what I mean.

shit... my description of this blog is very accurate.

my vape ran out. time to go.

Letters to the editor

you missed a whole year. 2015 was the year without you. everything good was tainted. This is 2016, and it'll likely feel the same way. I missed a whole year. I feel robbed. and sad. I miss you so fucking much. I feel cheated, and angry. other people take their mothers for granted and it makes me wanna punch them in their stupid faces. I've gone off on people online over it. I don't get out much, so I don't see it in person... if I did I'm afraid of what might happen. I think I'd lose my shit. I already feel so lost... I lost so much when I lost you... I have a great job, and even though I got injured on it, they're keeping my job open for me. I may need surgery. but you won't be there to cheer me on and it kills me. I'm so scared. of everything... I'm scared for the future, I'm scared of my sister, who I used to be so close to when you were here... she hates me now, without your mediating... we've all drifted apart, we're shattered without you. just lost people getting angry at each other. I guess that's what happens when the center of your family dies. I miss being close and having people around... but my sister is so insistent on being right all the time and I just can't stand it. and she's buzzing her shit into my daughter's dad and step mom's ears, which is making my life and my kid's hell... My brother is just off on his own, like we don't even exist. Your brother is around when he feels like it, but he is supportive. I haven't been able to see grandma because I just can't... I know it's selfish, but she doesn't know who I am anyway... I think my crying when I go there just adds to her depression. and I don't have the power you wanted me to have, so I fail to see a point in seeing her. it's sad, but that's where I'm at. My sister treats me like shit without you here to tell her to stop. I don't know how to deal with her. I'm all alone. I have my daughter, but refuse to let her shoulder my problems the way you did. that's not her job. her job is to have a childhood, and I'm doing the best I can to follow your example. you were so great with her. losing you nearly killed her. she had a severe psychotic episode recently. at the time, she was saying that a lot of it was built up grief, but she doesn't remember saying any of that anymore. she doesn't remember much of what happened... just going to the hospital. nothing feels right without you. everything's just a huge mess and I'm trying to clean it up, but I have no idea how. I don't know what else to say, besides I love you forever and I can't wait to be returned to your arms. there had better damn well be a heaven, because you definitely deserve to be there. I love you so much.

Lost time - corrected for typos

I feel like the time for childhood games is over... I feel like I missed a lot of it because I was working. Though it made me stir crazy, I can see why some moms choose to be housewives. It's so they won't miss anything, and they'll have time to make strawberry poke cakes. I still have the recipe, but if I try to get her to bake with me now, she looks at me like I'm nuts and says, "mom I'm on a Skype call.". How incredibly sad. I'm glad she's gaining independence, but I invested everything I had in her, and now I'm all alone most of the time. I know this is an incredibly selfish way to feel, but I just miss her. Having a teenager is like pre-empty nest syndrome... Because they're still in your house, and they're still kids who will ask you to make them pop tarts because they only taste right when you make them, but they're absent in so many other ways... Especially mentally. They're somewhere else entirely. I know that despite bouts of psychosis, severe mood swings, and disabling asthma, I'm still very lucky to be so closely bonded to my child. I know that most kids her age have broken free from words like "mommy", and actually wanting to go shopping together, sleeping in my bed when she's scared... Etc... But I still feel like she's so distant. Maybe it's partially because my mother is gone, too... A change I still can't fathom... She was my soul mate. So maybe things are actually the same between my daughter and me and I just have a void now. The last thing I want is to try to fill that void with a romantic relationship, especially since I really do need someone to take care of me. I am easily breakable, and it's likely my cancer will return at some point. I've been to the ER four times in the past two months. I have a green card, I see a psychiatrist every three weeks, a therapist every week... And my daughter has even more appointments and hospital visits.
My knee is all screwed up right now and it's uncomfortable. I don't know anything...

I forgot?

I only crave chocolate when I'm lonely. I spent three hours on my phone discussing CNA stuff. Things like realizing that you're memorizing your own BM to chart later. I messed up my knee at work. Some masochistic part of me craves CNA work. We have a client right now who should be in long term memory care. The hospital lied to us. That's how we got her. I've done a lot caring for her. In fact, that's how I hurt myself. The place where I work doesn't have the necessary items/staff for that kind of care, which is why we don't take clients who need it. I've enjoyed taking care of her, and worry about what things are like for her when I'm not there. She cries because she knows she doesn't belong there, she hits because she's terrified, she paces because she feels lost, she hates that someone else is taking care of her... I do just fine with her, of course. I was the first person who got her to eat or drink anything substantial. She thanked me, and gave me a hug. She hasn't spoken a coherent word to anyone else. I don't know... I love my job, but I'm considering picking up a shift a week at an LTC/rehab place.
I need to go lay down. It's 2:15 am... My knee has to be positioned perfectly or it gets stuck wherever it is. It's pretty much stuck already. I would say at about an 80 degree angle. Whatever.
I fear losing my job because I've called in too many times already.
I like giants. My daughter knows every single word of this song. I like that. She's got good taste. I worry about how much and what kind of influence that the rest of her family has on her.
It's weird that I'm writing this slowly. I usually write much faster. I have things I want to invent. Not giving away my ideas here, but I need these things and I can't be the only one.
Yesterday? I think it was... I had so much energy... I couldn't sit still to do anything, though I desperately needed to, I was wide awake, despite little or no sleep and even less food, I was so irritable that even reggae wasn't soothing enough. I even tried IZ, but everything around me was just so irritating...
I miss my mom.
I have the munchies... I miss my kid.
I want food, so I have to end this.

This night

This night, a deep slumber
Following days of altered consciousness
Momentary wakefulness, amid a sea of dreams
Thoughts incomplete, disorganized, head a total mess

This is incomplete, too.