So I'll just blurt some shit to get it out of my head.
I feel like a loser today. I think I might be having some kind of mid-life crisis. I think I spent most of my teen years self-medicating so well (to hide from the cancer symptoms that were over-taking me) that I managed to learn nothing, do nothing, and be nothing. And here I am again, sitting on my ass doing nothing. I spent the last three days asleep. Literally. I don't even known how that's possible, but I did it. I'm not depressed, but I am frustrated. I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm supposed to be doing, and the sand is falling so fast that it's burying me. Every day means another mountain of bills, disconnect notices, foreclosures, eviction papers... I put out the fires, but the sparks always remain. I can see the light at the end of the path, but I'm crawling backward fast as I can, kicking and screaming, cuz I'm not done yet. I didn't get a chance to do anything, to fix anything, to change anything... My baby needs a mother, someone who can teach her, protect her, and support her. All I know how to do is grow new tumors and swallow pills. So much pain... I've been in pain every day for over eight years now, it's getting hard to believe I'm in my 20s. And nobody listens to anyone. This world is a mess. I can't help but wonder why I want to stay, to fix things... Between my daughter's health problems and mine, I can't hold down a job for shit, so I'm going to school... I don't know what for, but fuck, I had to do SOMETHING. With nothing but a 6th grade education, you can't pay bills for two people alone. School's fine, I guess. I get good grades, it's not hard. You just do the work, and they'll give you A's for it. I don't really get why people think it's so hard. Trying raising a kid all alone. Try figuring out how to pay all your bills on minimum wage and still get to your radiation treatment appointments. Try growing up with a crazy lady who steals all your pills, throws heavy shit at your mom at 3 am, and kicks you out of the house at age 10 for forgetting to do the dishes one time. That's hard. College, not so much. They give you the answers. All you gotta do is listen. I was pulling A's in classes I only came to once a week. College is easy if you can figure out how to get there. Life, on the other hand, is fucking hard.
I don't know what to do. I have chronic health problems, a disintegrating back, no help with childcare... I don't really have any skills or talents, I never really had time to learn any between hospital visits and family bullshit. I can't do anything physically strenuous, in fact, I'm not even sure I can show up every day. My daughter and I both have shitloads of doctor's appointments, and frankly, I'm so fucking tired, I feel like I'm already dead. I am in chronic, rather severe pain, and have been for years. And, no, it can't be treated. Maybe with drugs that make me more tired. Sweet, that helps. I'm lost in a sea of faces...
