brain dump

it's nearly 4am and I can't sleep.  for the past two hours, I've been thinking about getting my guitar out and trying to remember some chords. but I don't feel like my brain is in the right place to be learning anything.

I've been kinda lonely lately, what with feeling like I'm now the only person like me on earth (mom was like me). anyway, I've been putting the time I could put into another person into my Spanish, which is why someday, I'll actually be fluent.

I hate that editing something on this blog changes the post date.

youtube is showing me that I have odd taste in music and it's quite varied. apparently, I like almost everything. but sometimes, it's way off.

I wish I knew why people read this. maybe I am sort of it good writer... I doubt it. I think it's like slowing down to look at a car accident.

whatever. keep your hands off my stack.

shit

so I was talking to my therapist, and I told her that I'd like to know more people who have been through the same kinds of things I have, because I think it'd be easier to relate, and I'd get tuned out less. that's what people do when they can't process what you're saying ... they act as if you'd said nothing... you get either a half-assed 'uh huh', or an uncomfortable 'hmm'.
anyway, I've noticed that people who have dealt with the kind of things I have usually turn out to be very bitter, selfish people - she interjected 'they're narcissists'... she said that some do, and some don't. some end up like me, in therapy forever. those of us who decide to take on the world with a heart, seek out help and try to become better people. but apparently, we're rare to begin with...
just thoughts...

Ummm?

Solamente, soy pobre...
I've got nothing else to say...
That's what I've got. Nothing. I crave the warmth of a summer bonfire... the laughter, the liquor, the weed, the love...
But i am alone in a graveyard. Literally.
I can fill in the blanks for myself
but the spaces are really just emptiness masquerading as cracks
a cracked wonderland
swimming toward the sun but burning up on the way
yo puedo toucan pero no aperadado de ti
the crowd has dispersed, like smoked out by the puerco
the fish walks away with the spoon

oh yeah. I hope I don't die. everybody's depending on me.

I don't know. I'm done figuring it out, too. fuck it.