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Thursday, January 2, 2014
shrink
now that all the spillover is done, and my thoughts have slowed some, i thought i'd post something a little more thoughtful.
i did find a new shrink, who is willing to work on finding the *right* meds for me, which i'm excited about. but, i can't see her until february, so bear with me. lol my daughter's health is still doing well. her meds still don't put her to sleep. gee, i wonder why. i hear bipolar is inherited on the mother's side. sorry, sweetie. i found a new therapist, which is nice. somebody gets paid to talk to me. that's always good, right? i haven't been able to manage to work in a while and i bet they are starting to think i fell off the face of the earth. for all intents and purposes, i did. i bought a new tank for my apv. i like it. it's a jtank. vapes like a champ, and doesn't leak at all, even in my messy purse & life. school has started again. so far, i'm staying afloat. i hope to keep it up. the cats are good. the man is good. he's nice. i promise. lol
what other news do i have? the kale is *still* providing food. everything else is pretty much dormant. i hope it all comes back. i think i killed my palms. i'm still going to try again if i did. because i cannot be taught. lol well, it's med time and hopefully bed time, so that's all i have for now. boring, huh?
i did find a new shrink, who is willing to work on finding the *right* meds for me, which i'm excited about. but, i can't see her until february, so bear with me. lol my daughter's health is still doing well. her meds still don't put her to sleep. gee, i wonder why. i hear bipolar is inherited on the mother's side. sorry, sweetie. i found a new therapist, which is nice. somebody gets paid to talk to me. that's always good, right? i haven't been able to manage to work in a while and i bet they are starting to think i fell off the face of the earth. for all intents and purposes, i did. i bought a new tank for my apv. i like it. it's a jtank. vapes like a champ, and doesn't leak at all, even in my messy purse & life. school has started again. so far, i'm staying afloat. i hope to keep it up. the cats are good. the man is good. he's nice. i promise. lol
what other news do i have? the kale is *still* providing food. everything else is pretty much dormant. i hope it all comes back. i think i killed my palms. i'm still going to try again if i did. because i cannot be taught. lol well, it's med time and hopefully bed time, so that's all i have for now. boring, huh?
there's the title button. i lost it
i lost my mind, too. at a very early age. i need to spill a bunch of words today, so here i go. i feel like i'm poisoning everyone i try to talk to today. i can't escape my own mind. when is this going to end? i'm heavily medicated, but you wouldn't know it, huh? i bet you guys can all still tell there's something SERIOUSLY wrong with me. hazelnut e juice tastes fantastic. if any of you vape, try Mt. Baker Vapor. they are amazing. i kinda want to die. i'm glad i'm glued to the damn couch. i wish this monster would leave me the hell alone. even the people i relate to best, i can't talk to today. it just isn't working, and that makes my brain hurt even more. work sucks. my cat is awesome. my thoughts are fucking racing a million miles an hour and are completely unproductive. i did my homework. this is all just spillover and i apologize to anyone reading it, even though i always said i never would.
i was terrible to him, and i can't go a single day without kicking myself for halfway losing him over it. i'm terrible to everyone. i'm working on in therapy, but i'm so damn good at pretending everything is fine when it's not. i don't even do it on purpose, or even realize i'm doing it. the punctuation stops here. its a pain in the ass. i know its wrong but just be happy im adding periods. i hear its really annoying when i dont. i often dont in speech. another reason everyone fucking hates me. like i dont have enough of those.
i need different meds, these arent working. i miss him, but he doesnt miss me. is there any question as to why that is? no. of course not. i cant blame anyone who wants nothing to do with me. i still dont even know what he sees in me. maybe hes just being self destructive by keeping me around. still around, but far away. wise man. lol he cant catch my crazy, though. its not contagious, in case you didnt know.
where the hell do all these page views come from? either im a genius or a fucking monster. i cant decide today. who are you people? why are you always anonymous? why dont i get to know who you are? i always wonder who is watching me, can you blame me???
hold on, need more portishead.
omg my brain is full of nonsensical garbage today. back and forth from low to high i dont know what the hell is going on. i confess my secrets on the forum. the board. the bored. where is everything. where the hell am i? i miss me.... i fully understand that statement today, but i still wish he missed me, at least sometimes. Geez. i give him everything. everything i have. im clearly not giving the right things though because hes still hungry for more. i can feel it. why does he dominate my thoughts so??????? not fair.
i must be fascinating to have so many damn views. still wondering who the hell is watching me so closely. nobody i know knows about this blog. i should pass it on to my therapist. lol let her see whats really going through my head on bad days. because all she sees is me lying on her desk like a slug. by the way, any psychiatrist who sees you like that, all lifeless and whatnot, and doesnt IMMEDIATELY prescribe MORE meds is a complete quack who isnt really looking out for you. i feel dead inside and yet so god damn full. i dont know what to do. i wish i had physical energy but then i probably would have actually done the thing by now. the thing im not supposed to do because i have a small child who loves me and would be all alone without me.
but it seems like the only way some days. i hate this shit. im under a cloud today. but i showered so im proud of me. i made it to class, and went through the motions like a good little crazy fuck. i think its time for my xanax. my back hurts from carrying the thoughts inside my head.
yeah, so thanks for reading my shit. i have just taken a verbal dump. lol
i was terrible to him, and i can't go a single day without kicking myself for halfway losing him over it. i'm terrible to everyone. i'm working on in therapy, but i'm so damn good at pretending everything is fine when it's not. i don't even do it on purpose, or even realize i'm doing it. the punctuation stops here. its a pain in the ass. i know its wrong but just be happy im adding periods. i hear its really annoying when i dont. i often dont in speech. another reason everyone fucking hates me. like i dont have enough of those.
i need different meds, these arent working. i miss him, but he doesnt miss me. is there any question as to why that is? no. of course not. i cant blame anyone who wants nothing to do with me. i still dont even know what he sees in me. maybe hes just being self destructive by keeping me around. still around, but far away. wise man. lol he cant catch my crazy, though. its not contagious, in case you didnt know.
where the hell do all these page views come from? either im a genius or a fucking monster. i cant decide today. who are you people? why are you always anonymous? why dont i get to know who you are? i always wonder who is watching me, can you blame me???
hold on, need more portishead.
omg my brain is full of nonsensical garbage today. back and forth from low to high i dont know what the hell is going on. i confess my secrets on the forum. the board. the bored. where is everything. where the hell am i? i miss me.... i fully understand that statement today, but i still wish he missed me, at least sometimes. Geez. i give him everything. everything i have. im clearly not giving the right things though because hes still hungry for more. i can feel it. why does he dominate my thoughts so??????? not fair.
i must be fascinating to have so many damn views. still wondering who the hell is watching me so closely. nobody i know knows about this blog. i should pass it on to my therapist. lol let her see whats really going through my head on bad days. because all she sees is me lying on her desk like a slug. by the way, any psychiatrist who sees you like that, all lifeless and whatnot, and doesnt IMMEDIATELY prescribe MORE meds is a complete quack who isnt really looking out for you. i feel dead inside and yet so god damn full. i dont know what to do. i wish i had physical energy but then i probably would have actually done the thing by now. the thing im not supposed to do because i have a small child who loves me and would be all alone without me.
but it seems like the only way some days. i hate this shit. im under a cloud today. but i showered so im proud of me. i made it to class, and went through the motions like a good little crazy fuck. i think its time for my xanax. my back hurts from carrying the thoughts inside my head.
yeah, so thanks for reading my shit. i have just taken a verbal dump. lol
nothing
things to say
this thing gets worse day by day
i hate my phone today
because you aren't using it
i feel like shit
all i can do is sit
where are you
when i need you
why do i need you
when you don't need me?
but the thoughts go racing by
i sigh
wish i could die
then the suffering would end
the suffering i send
cannot be a friend
where are you
when i need you
why do i need you
when you don't need me?
i need to be more to you
i wish you thought so too
feelings of deja vu
and i'm empty
blinded i can't see
what you see in me
must be nothing
this thing gets worse day by day
i hate my phone today
because you aren't using it
i feel like shit
all i can do is sit
where are you
when i need you
why do i need you
when you don't need me?
but the thoughts go racing by
i sigh
wish i could die
then the suffering would end
the suffering i send
cannot be a friend
where are you
when i need you
why do i need you
when you don't need me?
i need to be more to you
i wish you thought so too
feelings of deja vu
and i'm empty
blinded i can't see
what you see in me
must be nothing
Monday, December 30, 2013
Right now
My mood is Ok but I secretly think no one likes me.
I'm afraid he'll never come back
I hate seroquel
I think even the internet hates me
I'm smiling in spite of all this and don't know why
I'm watching breaking bad
I took my night meds three hours ago and still can't sleep
I know that sometimes I can drink 10 pots of coffee in a day and it does nothing but on other days I can barely handle a cup without shaking
I'm tired
My kid is STILL awake
I think my family hates me too
I wonder if I'm a good mother
I'm worried I'll spend all my money on crap
I wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't mentally ill
Or if I didn't get cancer
I know that even though I can't afford it I'm a lot more mentally and financially stable when I live on my own
I'm frustrated about EVERYTHING
I wish I had been more patient with him
I can't sleep
My thoughts are racing
I wish I had a bedroom
I wonder why I never like someone who is ready for me
I think I must not be ready
I KNOW I'm not ready yet
But I also know I'm willing and able
My legs hurt from walking three miles in my slippers in under an hour
My thoughts are everywhere from ecstatic to miserable and possibly suicidal and likely all somewhat delusional
Bouncing back and forth
I wish my med adjustment would be sooner because I want relief
I wish I could drink
I wish I hadn't gained 35lbs
I wish my cat was closer
I wish my thoughts were whole
I know that wishes mean nothing
I want my head to quiet
Spinning
I don't have a clue what to do.
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