It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

I'm so fucking lonely. I feel like everybody's around, but nobody actually wants to know me. I want to be known, and to know someone else. I think maybe most people are looking for that in romantic relationships... But I don't think I want one of those. I don't want anyone else involved in parenting my kid, I don't want anyone to take a bunch of my time away from her, and I certainly don't want to be with someone I don't know already. If I were to "date" someone, I'd want to be friends for quite a while first. I don't need instant gratification. I need something that has a chance of lasting.

I want close platonic friendships. But as soon as I start to open up, people either back off or start tuning me out. They're missing out, really... Because I'm awesome. Once you actually know me, I'm fun, helpful, adventurous and sweet. People already come to me for advice and when they need something pretty frequently, less so since my mother passed away, probably because they think it's draining... I actually find it fulfilling.

But I feel like nobody *really* wants to be my friend. I appreciate the people around me, of course... They're always willing to help if I need it, and they're all nice to me... Most of them don't want to actually spend time with me, but they're helpful... I feel like I have too many acquaintances.

Not sleeping

I can't sleep. This new antipsychotic does not make me sleep. It does however, have some very nasty stomach side effects. I'll be truly surprised if I don't lose at least some weight on it, since I'm unable to eat at all most days.

Every time I go to sleep, I wake up after an hour or two. So far, I've slept 3.5 hours. The first time I don't know why I woke up. This time, it was the dream. Why does my phone always autocorrect to "wad"? What the fuck? My knee hurts. Now I'm just whining. That's boring. Nothing too interesting has been going on. But I still feel the need to have a voice. I don't think many people actually listen to me, regardless of the medium...

Maybe I'm a boring person. My closest friends often plays video games while she's on the phone with me. Then again, maybe I'm just surrounded by boring people... One thing's for sure... Laying in bed unable to do anything is boring. I've been working on my Spanish. I don't know what else to do. Due to the spot where I'm injured, I'm pretty much flat in bed.

Ever feel like there are fleas crawling on you? I feel like they're in my brain.

My kid can't roll her r's properly... She does this weird sideways trill to cover up the fact that she can't do it. I know it's genetic. My whole family can do it. She's the first who can't. It makes me wonder what happens I in Spanish speaking cultures... How can you speak proper Spanish if you can't roll your r's?

My weird little planktons are lighting up... Yes, I know the plural is plankton. I thought it was cute.

How did this blog degrade into a bunch of mundane crap? It used to be either really weird or about something that mattered. I think it's the medications. They've made me boring. Flatlined, in a way. I hate mundane blogs... I usually skip right past them. Somehow, I have readers, though... I don't know who you are, or what you want, but hello!

Apparently I'm a guilty pleasure or something. Maybe my very existence is entertaining. It sure has been weird... What's some recent weirdness? I have a job I'm not technically qualified for, but that happens all the time. Tengo trabajo.

I want more. I want a voice, and I want something important to say, even if it's only important to me. I'd love to be one of those cool people who writes about current events, and what's wrong with the world, but I just can't. I internalize everything. I can't help it.

I'm done now. Goodbye.

Nobody cares - dream

I dreamt that I was visiting my boyfriend who was best friends with a guy who was an old friend of mine. This guy was one of the nicest guys I've ever known in real life, in the dream he was a complete asshole just like his real life wife, but she wasn't there. One of the bosses at my work was his mother. She's a really sweet lady in real life. The guy was constantly hurling insults at me and treating me like I was an idiot, and at times calling me one. He had two sisters, who were both total bitches. Anytime I spoke up against this man, one of his sisters would call his mother down, and she would scold me and say we don't talk that way in this house. In real life I never met this guy's mother, and he didn't have any sisters that I know of. But his wife was an evil bitch. She kicked me out of their apartment and instead of putting my stuff out on the street like a normal person, she decided to hold it all hostage. What she was waiting for I do not know. I just knew she wouldn't give me my shit. After weeks of trying to negotiate with this insane woman, I finally brought two police officers over with me, showing them that I was on the lease and had every right to be in that apartment. I finally got my stuff but she was even more pissed. I understand why but she left me no choice. The point of this little tirade is that the man in the dream who is nice in real life was treating me the way that his wife would have treated me in real life. I was dating his best friend, but it wasn't the guy I was dating when I knew him Thank God. It was some other guy who wouldn't stick up for me, much like that guy. I don't ask for much in a relationship, but if I'm being attacked by someone I do expect the person by my side to be by my side and not a bystander.
Anyway, as I wake up I'm starting to lose more and more details of this dream, especially since I'm narrating it. We were playing a video game of some sort, and I was really interested in it, which is why I didn't just leave as soon as the guy began verbally abusing me. I had gotten really invested in this video game for some reason. In real life I do not play video games. I don't know where that came from. I had given A character in the game a scar on his left cheek and he requested that I put one on his right also, and I was trying to keep my promise. I was told that this was possible so I kept trying, despite all of the abuse I was dealing with, and the lack of help from my significant other.
Perhaps the reason I'm losing the details of the dream is because I'm sitting here analyzing it as I'm writing it.

I don't know. My dreams are weird.