Too much

It's all too much. There are too many thighs circling my head, too many things to remember, the to do list is too long... I am immobilized and incapable. Alone in a pile of rubble that used to be my life. Lonely, broken and sore, I stumble on. My tribe is gone... Disappeared into the nether. I don't know what to do, or even who I am. Or where I am. Is this real? Is life real? Is the universe real? What is life? What happens after you die? I know I can't wait to find out. Clarity is gone and I am in a dense fog.

Life goes on, sometimes

My best friend's mother was recently diagnosed cancer... The doctors can't figure it out. She will be having surgery, then chemo for the rest of her life. They said it isn't curable, but it is treatable. She has uterine cancer, and another type that they can't identify in her lungs. I love this woman. She was my work mom, while we still worked together. She is a universal mother. They are thinking that the type they found in her lungs is an incredibly rare one that my friend couldn't remember the name of. How strange that they found two different kinds. I am not really sure how to help my friend cope with this news, other than to not invade her time with her mother, and to help her stay busy... (She deals by keeping busy - that was her request). I am saddened by this news, and can only imagine what my friend must be feeling... Especially since her father just went into remission from lung cancer. Her sister is permanently disabled and currently unable to walk due to a military injury... One of the things we have in common is that our lives and families are buried in the ashes of tragedy... And yet, we go on. I'm really worried about her, and about her mother.

Letter to my mother

You weren't only my mother... You are my soul sister... The relationship that all others will be compared to, even though none will ever live up to it. I figured out why I have no interest in relationships... I figured out why my first instinct is to wear your ashes on my ring finger.

I don't wanna bother dating anyone who I can't connect to the way you and I were connected, even if that means I end up alone. That's a tall order, considering we shared dreams at times. Telepathy is hard to come by...

I have so many regrets when it comes to the time we spent together... Had I known how little time we had, there would've been less fighting, for sure... I always hated fighting with you. It only left us both feeling guilty, alienated and alone. We made up well though. A hug, two heartfelt I'm sorrys, and then we moved on. What do you want for dinner? I don't know... Whatever's easiest.

I miss you so much. That statement doesn't even begin to express how empty life is without you. Every accomplishment, every decision, everything I build or make or do... It feels like nothing because I can't share it with you. Nothing means anything anymore. I feel so lost...

I have to go to a jeweler to have everything ash holding soldered shut so we can wear it. And get the ring resized. Idk what happened there.

Quantum mechanics states that things that were once connected still are, and that everything is interconnected... I find this thought comforting, because it means we are still connected, even if only in some small way... But it doesn't compare to a Friday night on the couch watching tv with you. I love you, Mom.