I found this...

"People who have not been given "voice" in childhood have the lifelong task of repairing the "self." This is an endless construction project with major cost overruns (much like the "Big Dig" in Boston). Much of this repair work involves getting people to "hear" and experience them, for only then do they have value, "place," and a sense of importance. However, not just any audience will do. The observer and critic must be important and powerful, or else they will hold no sway in the world. Who are the most important and powerful people to a child? Parents. Who must a person pick as audience to help rebuild the self? People as powerful as parents. Who, typically, is more than willing to play the role of power broker in a relationship, doling out "voice" only insofar as it suits him/her? A narcissist, "voice hog," or otherwise oblivious and neglectful person. "

here: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2007/03/why-do-some-people-choose-one-bad.html

... and the paragraph struck a chord with me, like it was explaining my life... my life's work... and I thought, finally; someone understands. I wish I knew what exactly it was that happened to me that inflicted so much damage... I really can't remember which thing it was, maybe it was a combination of things... but that paragraph up there summarizes my life much more coherently than I ever could.

change of thought

What do I have to say today..?
I'm unsure, but I can feel it welling up inside
from the depths of my being
something will appear, regurgitated on this page
and then spring to life

for that is really,
the only way I know to create life in this way
word-vomit, I've been told
by some unappreciative...

and speaking of unappreciative...
who are you to tell me who am i?
what am i...
lost on a page, misdirected in verbiage
today...

tomorrow, something different comes
from beneath the shattered glass
tomorrow this begins anew
from the same old pattern...

the very definition of crazy,
do the same and expect different results...

Not tomorrow...
tomorrow, something different this way comes
I hope you're ready, because I sure am