can't think

I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now, but I can't think well enough to do it. My brain feels like jello. I hate med shifts. I decided not to take the sleeping pill tonight, even if it means not sleeping because I'd rather be off the rails manic than unable to use my brain. I read up a little on anterograde amnesia... some of it sounds vaguely familiar... but I can't remember why! lol
Anyway, about the paper... I need that spark of inspiration, and for my brain to wake up. I've been somewhat debilitated over the last couple of weeks (note, this is BEFORE holding the risperidone for allergy testing). I've decided to give my therapist the link to this blog, so if it seems to have suddenly gotten a bit more clinical, that's probably why.
Random ramblings.... Geez, I cannot focus today. I think this must be what non-writers feel like when they try to write. There aren't many thoughts in my head right now. Triazolam may not be the greatest for sleep for me, but it sure acts as a strong anti-manic in me. Strange... I wonder if anyone else has had that happen? Maybe I'll go ask someone. Anyway, before the triazolam, I was racing at full speed.... I know that feeling very well. My mind gets sharp, but then it sharpens too far and starts to zero in on strange things. I felt it coming. This is getting too personal. I think I'm done now.

Irritated!

I don't like how triazolam makes me feel the next day. I'm tired all day, and then totally wired afterward. I'm really irritable right now and I don't know why. I'm skipping school because I'm afraid I'll freak out on my teacher again. I'm busy right now. I'll write more later.

Triazolam

I finally took a Triazolam last night and slept for a few hours. Now I just feel out of it. I don't know what I feel but I still haven't gotten out of bed. I'm irritable and tired. Today I'm wondering if I'm really bipolar at all. Not because I feel well, because I don't, but because I wonder to what degree is feeling unwell normal. Then I remember how fucked my life is, and how many times I've narrowly escaped hospitalization, death and jail. I'm not on the right meds, but I saw promise for a few minutes on them.
On the one hand, I'm a little relieved that the manic frenzy of last night had temporarily subsided (because I know it's from the Triazolam and won't last long), on the other, I wish I was doing something. I'm bored and irritated. My thoughts are slow, which is strange. I think over the last 6+ months I've been depressed (until a few weeks ago when I stopped sleeping) because I was having a lot of suicidal ideation (including plans) and couldn't get out of bed. I think my shrink thinks my illness is mild, whereas I think my appointments with him are far too short for him to have any idea.
I wish I could be more. Maybe this is a moment of clarity. I can't tell. My mind is too slow today. I think I'm gonna skip school again today because I don't feel like I can handle it at all... By the time this crap wears off, I won't be able to sit still again and I'll probably have another fit and yell at my professor again. I haven't gone to school in over a week. I spent two days out in my garden working feverishly... Now my muscles all hurt. Last night, I tried to sleep for 6 hours before finally taking that pill. This time I only took one. Last time I took three. I didn't like the way I felt the next day, much like I don't like typing on this stupid fucking phone! It's 1pm and I haven't started my daughter on her schoolwork yet and just now remembered there's a meeting she's supposed to be in. Better go log her in...
It must be wearing off because my heart rate is accelerating and I feel like getting up and moving around. Before I started the Triazolam I was dancing in my kitchen. I wish I could find a way to make my shrink understand what's really going on... I need a shower but I just don't care. I remember how the last 6 months it's been a battle to shower or even brush my teeth... That's probably really bad. My shrink and therapist don't know that, or any of the other ways in which I fail to function... They don't know that I still can't keep money in my account, that I haven't worked since January because I feel like I can't... That I have to repeat my chemistry course because depression killed my progress, or how many times my poor boyfriend (and mother) has talked me out of killing myself.
It's really freaking cold in here today. I hate cold. After just going through the motions of the bare minimum of my life for over 6 months, a day of energy was nice enough to tempt me to stop all my meds altogether. I remember that horrible mixed state that cost me my boyfriend's trust though. I still haven't fixed that. That was the first time he talked me out of driving my car off a bridge. We almost broke up during that episode because I went completely nuts on him and called him up screaming a bunch of paranoid shit at him. We've never been the same. He's not open with me anymore. I think he's a little afraid of me. In fact, he's probably not alone. I remember one of the times I verbally assaulted my ex at work in front of everyone. Whatever. I have to go do something. Anything at all.

Cant sleep... AGAIN

I can't sleep. I have an allergy test coming up and I'm off half my meds for it but I couldn't sleep for about 2 weeks before that... No, it was longer... That why I started taking my seroquel again even though I'm not supposed to. I only get 15 min appts with my shrink and I'm already not sure how to convey my needs to him. I'm not particularly comfortable with him yet either. I've been seriously considering visiting a hospital but I know my family would stop me. I'm so fucking bored! I hate insomnia. I might just get up and do something but I don't want to wake anyone up and since I sleep in the living room that's already a challenge. I think at my next appt I'll just have my doctor read this crap. Maybe then he'll understand. Right now I'm just quietly watching movies and fidgeting. I'd rather be doing... Just about anything else. Drinking, maybe? I was given a new sleeping pill to temporarily replace the antipsychotic I'm on and the one I've been taking without my pdoc's permission. I'm not sure if it works, but I was awfully sedate this morning after taking it last night. I didn't really sleep that well last night, but was VERY tired all day today... Until I was supposed to sleep, of course! Wtf do I do? I'm losing it...