Today

I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin. I don't know if it's the antidepressant, the increase in my levothyroxine dose, or if I'm just going manic, but whatever it is has me REALLY irritable today.

I think it's because I forgot to take 1 mg of ativan earlier today. Maybe I'll just take it now. I'm on a lot of meds right now... Particularly benzodiazepines. Four. Three most days, sometimes four. Watch, I'll win the publisher's clearing house sweepstakes and die the next day. I need to make my will. I don't know what to put in it anymore without my mom around... She was the person I was going to leave everything to. My daughter, care of her. I really thought I was going to die first. I'll need to update my will now. I don't feel like writing anymore. I'm done.

Wish you were here

I miss you so much I feel like I'm dying... I'm glad you left us videos so I can see you and hear your voice... I hear you in my dreams, too. I spend most of my time just laying in your bed now. I can't bring myself to do much of anything... I watch Spongebob because it helps me feel like there's still a child in me somewhere. In my dream this morning, you asked me how I'm doing... "Terribly" was my answer. I love that I got to hear your voice this morning, but I always want more of you. I always have... I used to get so jealous when you'd pay more attention to Kimii than me. She wishes she'd come over that night to help keep your party under control. God knows I couldn't do it. I didn't. I blame myself for your death in a lot of ways... Maybe I shouldn't, but I do. I still can't believe you're gone. Your absence has turned all our lives upside down. It's killing all of us.

I love that you still haunt the tv. The narration that isn't possible still helps me fall asleep every night. I have never loved anyone as much as I do you... Maybe my own child... Certainly not the same way. You were my home. You were the only person I never felt like a guest, or a hostess with... Our relationship was so much deeper than that. I don't know how to go on without that. And I don't think I could ever be anywhere near as close to someone else. We were inseparable... Everybody knew that. Even when you were out with friends, or at a doctor's appointment, or anywhere really; you were texting me. I texted you no matter what I was doing. Even at that one party I went to where everyone was playing music, it was you I was texting all night, and you I spoke to about it in the morning. Every time anything happens, it's reflexive to think of talking to you about it. Kimii feels the same way. Nobody knows what to do without you. You're supposed to be here, with us... Just a stupid accident.

I miss our morning coffee chats, our evening bonfires, even just sitting on the couch with you making fun of tv commercials... I still think of you when I see the ones we watched together.

I've never been without you before. But somehow, the world keeps going like nothing has happened.

Dream of heaven

On Tuesday, the 19th, I dremt that I was sitting at a table with my mother, surrounded by clouds. It was sunrise, so the white, fluffy clouds had an orange glow to them. She said hello and that she missed me. We were drinking coffee. I can't remember anything that was said, but we talked for hours... Have you ever had a dream that you knew was hours long? I know this one was. At the end of our conversation, she said she loved me and hugged me goodbye. Then I woke up. I was very happy when I woke up. I felt so loved. I wondered if I'd taken too many pills and died for a second.

Dream from today

I had a weird dream... I woke up at three am in a different house (which was mine) and found Justin mowing the lawn and Mike outside welding something. I got a call from mom's number and answered it. It was mom! She said she missed me and she wanted to see how I was doing. I told her I was doing terribly and explained about Teresa falling school because she's sick, but that she did fine at her dad's over the weekend so I thought she was ok to go to school today (Monday). Then, the call ended. When I called back I got a disconnected message. Then, Teresa walked in and saw me pick up a glass of wine and said, "seriously, Mom? What are you thinking?" I knew she was referring to my mother's death. I said it was only a glass of wine and I hadn't touched it. She was getting herself ready for school, and was a little older. I got up to talk to Mike and asked him what the hell he was doing at my house at 3 am and he said the house was just as much Justin's as it was mine and he had every right to be there. Then I woke up to strange noises outside at 6:14 and yelled for Teresa, thinking it was Monday and she was already up because she wasn't in my bed. I was scared she'd be late for school and was wondering if she knew what the strange noises were. It sounded like someone either cutting rebar or welding.

Dream from Friday, May 29th

I dreamt that me and mom split up housing so we could take grandma out of the nursing home because we wanted to see how she'd act if she wasn't there and to see if I could take care of her, so I went to live with her. She turned back into the psycho monster she was during my childhood before she had dementia and started hitting me and hid my phone. I looked and looked and looked for it and when I found it, I went to call my mother because she was the only Person who could ever calm my grandma down and I couldn't get out of there without her. When I went to dial her number, I remembered she was dead and started bawling... There were other people there but they couldn't help me and my grandma kept being psycho and I was stuck with her, trapped in her house. I was so sad... Then I posted something on Facebook about having a bad dream. Then I woke up, and posted something on Facebook about having a bad dream.