I might lose my job... which feels incredibly stressful, yet somehow I feel a vague sense of freedom washing over me at the same time. Now, I love my job, don't get me wrong... I don't want to lose it at all. However, continuing with my education while working where I do has proven to be difficult, if not altogether impossible...
Anyway, in the midst of all my panic, I've been trying to console myself with sentiments like, "Well, if I do lose my job, I'll finally have time to go in and take my compass test" and "This could be a great opportunity for me to start doing open mic nights somewhere!".
Naturally, thoughts like that lead me to the ultimate question, "What the hell do I want to do with the rest of my life?". This question remains unanswered for me. I can remember wanting to be a singer more that anything in the world when I was five. I even wrote a few songs, and sang them for my mother. However, somewhere along the way, I picked up the notion that this idea was "impractical" and I began to think that as a person who wasn't naturally in touch with their immediate surroundings, I might not make the best entertainer.
So, here's the thing... I'm not really good at anything. I'm not terribly passionate about most things, at least not enough to build a career on... Really, the only things I've ever been told I had any discernible talent at were writing and singing. Any other skills I have I worked my ass off to acquire, and they aren't profitable, or things I want to do. These are the type of skills one acquires while working at a plethora of fast food jobs. I don't understand how people manage to stay with jobs they don't like. I feel like a whiner for saying it, but going to a job I hate every day makes me feel dead inside (ie: my two year sentence at safeway) and more than a little suicidal. I honestly think I'd go postal if I stayed with something I hated for too long. I know what you're thinking... and you're right, I do have serious problems, but that's hardly the point at hand.
In childhood, I was pushed toward music and language arts, because those were the only areas in which I possessed any clear aptitude. I played the violin for several years, spent years in choir, taught younger students how to read, tutored (reading only), wrote short stories, played guitar for a while (I can rock rhythm, seriously), and I've been writing terrible songs for years... So how come I'm not working in one of those areas? I heard, for instance, that there are some kinds of writers who can work from home. In some of those instances, their work is entirely on their own time. That means they can take their kid to the damn doctor without starving due to lost hours... what a crazy concept, huh?
I suppose it probably has something to do with the little detour I took in terms of education. I guess attending high school probably opens some doors, huh? Oh well, someone had to feed me back then. Maybe I'll go for a bachelor's in arts when I get fired.
