I hate coming up with titles. But that's not really the point. I have health insurance now. I think I mentioned that earlier. But apparently it won't save me, at least not in the long term. Did you know that when they say "long term survival" they mean 10 year? I didn't. Way back in April (i know it's been a while, but I'm still processing), I said something to my doc about not planning to die any time soon. Guess what he said to me? He said I'll be lucky if I make it to 50. Why, you ask? Well, my dear readers, my cancer is childhood cancer. Meaning that instead of properly developing things that are necessary for living, say, 80 years, my body was losing the battle against cancer. Instead of healthy tissue, I was growing metastases. That's why so many things are already breaking down (teeth, for one. Those of you who know me know what I mean). So... Upon first realizing that he is obviously right, I was... I wanna say... morbidly depressed, maybe. Then, the ever-bargaining scientist in me was compelled to read the actual data. It confirmed what he said, but I also learned that I AM lucky. Other cancers cause far worse symptoms, far worse side-effects, after effects, and when it comes down to it; probably cause a more painful death.
Of the things that could kill me, concerning my much milder cancer:
Recurrence, which includes risks like the cancer itself (yes, thyroid cancer DOES kill people), embolism, heart attack, stroke, and any other complication caused by excessive T4, or insufficient ability to turn synthetic T4 into T3 successfully, breathing difficulties (tumors are known to sometimes grow in areas where air should be), etc. In addition, childhood thyroid cancer is NOT slow-growing. Recurrences aren't slow either. Ask my stomach.
With all cancer treated and gone, there are still big risks. These include, but aren't limited to: blood chemistry problems (i, for example have zero parathyroid glands because my primary tumor, um.. Ate them), hypocalcemia, hyperglacemia (that's diabetes), increased risk of other cancers, heart attack & stroke (though lower risk than with cancer), and a whole lot of other odd things that don't seem related to the untrained person. On one hand, I wonder if the increases in life expectancy might be some sort of punishment, I know I live in chronic pain and have constant health issues... but, I am also well aware that my suffering pales in comparison to some... But it lasts longer. I guess that has perks and drawbacks, like everything else...
But, back to where i was before: Lucky to make it to 50.
When i am 50 (if i make it there), my daughter will be 30. My mother will be 68. My siblings, 41 and 36. I suppose everyone would be mature enough to handle it, but they shouldn't have to. That's what bothers me. Oh, did I mention I'm already 28? I'm 8.5 years past treatment #1. This means that according to my endocrinologist, my life is already half over. Granted, it's a lot longer than I had when I first walked into his office (he guesses maybe 6 months to one year, yeah I was a goner - I was already physically rejecting food & puking blood).
Another point: the use of the word, "lucky" to me, means that the alternative is more likely. So, if I'm "lucky", my daughter will be 30 when she buries her mother. Most likely, she'll be younger. I don't get to grow old with someone, or play with grandchildren... I might not even see my daughter graduate high school.
Adding to the risk factors is my brief but damaging drug history and total dependence on nicotine. Another factor: degenerative disc disease is treated with narcotic pain relief. There is nothing else. I'm also pre-diabetic (sub-clinical), and I have been forever; probably because my body never got the chance to grow right. In a childhood cancer survivor, these risks are obviously exponentially larger, AND many doctors have no idea how to deal with survivors, simply because they haven't treated many. Diabetes & thyroid cancer occur together a lot, but don't mix so well. Also, my personal recurrence likelihood is really, really large. I was stage 4 under one staging method, stage 2 under the one that uses age, and something else entirely in pediatric, which is where I really belong, staging-wise. I am a pediatric statistic.
And we die young. I'm really starting to wish I believed in God. I know everyone has to face this eventually but I think I have the "zero to twenty years blues".
Posted via HTC G2. That's right, bitches.
