I love you, too, you asshole.

Everyone treats me like utter garbage. Then they wonder why I am often so reclusive. Random strangers single me out to attack (alternatively, they ask me for advice). Angry people are drawn to me, and they bully me. Most people bully me, to some degree. It seems like they aim to pick me apart the moment they lay eyes on me (or ears, or my words in a forum, or whatever other form, to those of you who will take me literally).

I'm not weak, in fact, when I finally get mad in return, I am a force to be reckoned with. I can be a truly horrible person to be around once you've done something to anger me. It takes a whole hell of a lot to get there, though, since my usual response to the things other people do is, "well, I can see where you're coming from... I guess I understand". I get told that I'm boring a lot... That's a bit random, but so is the rest of this post.


I don't have low self esteem... If I did, I'd be bothered by my own company. In fact, I'm quite content with my own company. There's a sort of horror in dealing with the outside world. Paradoxically, I'm drawn to other people, and give them everything they ask. In the past, I have been a terrible judge of character... Or maybe more accurately, I knew I was with horrible people, but was determined to fix them. I convinced myself that it was possible, and stubbornly resisted reality, which very clearly displayed otherwise. I was superhuman, and love could save their mortal souls, if given correctly.



I am fervently drawn to help others. My first job was in food service, not because that's "what you do" (I never got that sort of thing), but because I saw it as an opportunity to help people. I could "fix" the hungry people I came in contact with. I could make their day just a little brighter. I loved that. I love making people smile, I love making people happy. All of the jobs that I have held, ever, have been service oriented, because I am.

Bottom line, I love me. I'm great. However, I'm drawn to make others happy, that is what makes me happy. To some degree. Solving a global issue like world hunger would make me much happier. Global issues are on my mind all the time, and are the majority of the subjects that I will discuss passionately. I am uncomfortable with anything that resembles an argument. I feels discordant. I am screwed up enough that I have, at times, let that desire, maybe the very core of what makes me the amazing person that I am, very nearly destroy me. I guess I kinda tend to do the same thing physically, too...

I have since given up the desire to "fix" individuals, for both logistic and emotional reasons... By logistic, what I really mean is common sense and self preservation. For one thing, I can do far greater things for humanity if I don't let some idiot kill me, not to mention the fact that no one deserves some of the crap I've taken. I'm still willing to help people to some degree, of course, I'm just more careful about who it is now. I think that's all I wanted to say right now.