revenge of the inner child?

So I threw a tantrum today.
I threw a tantrum and killed it.
I was way out of line, and I over-reacted.

I was sad to see it go.
I'm still sad, but I'll be ok.
I had no right to say the things that I said.
But the monster inside took over
and I didn't see it coming
so I couldn't stop it.

I think that these tantrums
come from fear

I think that I fear loss
and this very fear
is a self-fulfilling prophecy
because it causes the loss
the minute I feel the fear.

So, this time, it's all my fault
and I'm sorry

and in the future, i will remember
that I have to let it unfold.
tearing it open will kill it

I have to let it unfold, in just the way it is going to
or I risk causing the very thing I fear

Another factor, I imagine; is a certain degree of insecurity.
Life has taught me, many times over; that people will not like me for who I am, and they will leave me.
Unfortunately, these lessons seemed to come at random times.
Much like hitting a dog for something it did four hours ago only teaches the dog to fear you,
many of my previous relationships with people have caused me to fear people, in a sense.
I bet a lot of it stems from things with my father...

Anyway...
I chased you away because I was afraid I would lose you.
All I can offer in repentance is a heartfelt, "I'm sorry", which of course changes nothing.
So, because I care about you and respect you, I will respect your wishes, whatever they be.

In my future, whether you choose to be around for it or not, I will include more time spent with friends and family, more time spent on my own interests, and more time spent accomplishing my goals. I was already heading in that direction, but this is a lesson I think I will not forget. I finally found someone who genuinely wanted to know me, and who treated me with respect, and supported my ambitions, and I couldn't figure out how to be with him. I am sad, but this is fantastic motivation to fix me, and that's exactly what I'll do.