Stream of consciousness

I remember sitting here with you on the couch, this couch... Our couch. We are watching tv, you with a drink in hand, me sitting mellow with my xanax. The conversations we'd have, the moments we'd share... I miss it all. I miss Kimii in the garage playing the piano in the middle of the night, while Justin cooked... Even Though I slept on the couch just outside the kitchen, sharing a wall with the garage. I miss being able to go somewhere and knowing my daughter would be safe, happy and loved the way I did. I know she misses the same. I miss passing time with you, talking to you... I miss the sound of your voice, your laugh, your smile. I miss the way you could always make it better, the way only a mom can. I miss picking up the damn neighbor's leaves with you. I miss going to the grocery store together, and the other errands we'd run together. I can't watch Dr Oz, Ellen or modern family without getting hysterical. I'm baked all day (while my daughter's sleeping or not around, of course), and taking three benzos and I'm still hysterical. It's been twelve weeks, and I'm still hysterical half the day... The other half, I'm sleeping... Sometimes, just in a trance. I don't know how I'm supposed to go on without. You're the only person I've always had. From birth. Nobody seems to really understand what you meant to me, or how close we were. I don't know how to get that close to anyone else. I trusted you. And you died. How am I supposed to "move on"? I'm angry that the medical examiner's office doesn't have an answer for me, after 12 weeks and 4 days. I am stuck in November. Time has stopped. I have trouble recalling the date, the month, the year... The day of the week. This is too much to bear. I cannot imagine a greater loss... At first, I wondered how it would feel if I'd lost someone else, anyone else... I think I just couldn't take it. I still can't. I think maybe I was bargaining. You were the person I went to when times got tough, and really, for everything.

This is exhausting. I'm done for now.