Thoughts

I want to write but I don't know what to say. I'm not sure what I want to say... I don't feel like I have anything left in me... A big part of me died with her that day, and I don't know how to go on. I'm doing the best I can to find good ways to invest the money she left, especially since I can't afford to live here, and can't move... I can't really work anymore, since the only other person trained to take care of my child has passed away...  they still don't know why she's gone... Everything is at a standstill, and everyone is waiting with baited breath for an official cause of death. As the oldest child, I call for updates every few days, but those always make for the worst days... Those are the days I can't get out of bed at all. Most days, I struggle to keep up with all the things she used to do around here, and with tears in my eyes... The better days, I manage to get out of the house and do things, only to freak out in the midst of it all. I don't feel like I have it in me, as a healthcare provider, to go back to taking care of people... I can't take care of myself, and between the animals and all the people, I just can't do it. And, I'm jealous of the elderly for living past 50. It isn't fair at all. We all still needed her. She was so young, so full of life... They think her death was alcohol related. Her BAC was 0.05, so it wasn't alcohol poisoning... You're supposed to be able to have a few drinks and go to bed and then wake up... I don't get it. Maybe it was her time? What does that even mean anyway? I wish I knew what happened after death... That would give us all the ultimate closure, wouldn't it?