I can't believe it's 2015... and I don't mean that in the sense of, "wow, a while year has passed blah blah blah"... I mean I literally can't process this year. I am stuck in November 2014, where I've been since my mother died. Every time I look at the date, it is unreal to me.
She never got to see 2015. Why should I have to?
"just keep going", "try to move on", they all tell me... To where? What's my destination, other than the final one? By the way, I can't wait to find out where or what that is... It can't come soon enough. I still need her. She visits my siblings, in weird little ways, but has left me. I try to be as open to get as possible, but even in my dreams, I know she's gone. I'll start a dream with her in it and my brain suddenly kicks on and says, "nope. She's dead. You can't have her". It's depressing.
I always was jealous of anyone that got to spend time with her when we were apart, or even when we were together. I wanted her all to myself... For the most part, I got my wish... We were both content to just hang out together most of the time. I know that's part of why this hurts so bad.
I miss her, and miss the past... If I could go back in time, I would. I don't know that I'd do anything different... There's no cause of death, nothing I could've saved her from... She just... Died. No one has any inkling as to why... Just gone. But I would appreciate our time more, if that's possible... If I went back far enough, sure, I'd change things... My teenage years. Not sticking up to her husband when he threw me out, not listening to get when she told me to stay anyway, I'd help more...
In the more recent past, I would've learned to use the lawnmower. I would've gone with her more when she'd walk the dog, I would've paid attention to all those little things that only she knew how to do that I am now learning to do... I would've hugged her more, even though she always looked at me like I was crazy when I did. I would have taken even more pictures of her without her permission.
I just miss her. I feel like I'm dying.
No comments:
Post a Comment