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Wednesday, December 23, 2015

The crazy

Every woman in my family since my grandmother has been bipolar. We're not the mild kind, either. My grandma used parking lots as demolition derbies when I was small, for example. She and my sister are probably the most extreme examples, but I'm probably biased... Other people always seem to think I'm crazier than I do (though I do get the occasional, " but you seem so normal!". I'm very vocal about my mental illness. I think there is a huge stigma that strangles treatment, and there is a general consensus that we're all murderers or something, too)...

Anyway... Original point... The women are batshit crazy, and the men just sort of abandon us, which beats the alternative, I suppose, since we've all attracted many just terrible - think being pushed down stairs and hit with huge ashtrays - boys. I call them boys because we've known few men. Men flee us. Boys stick around and cause further trauma. In fact, the ones who abandon us typically treat us like crap before they vanish... Even family.

Dust in the wind is playing in my house right now... It reminds me of death and other losses of life. My grandmother wanted this song played at her funeral. One of the last serious conversations I had with my mother were planning her funeral arrangements. Then, a few short days later, my mother died. This song reminds me of both of them (my grandmother is in a dementia ward, 20+ years into frontotemporal dementia, still in stage 3 - average lifespan is 8-9 years) and I can't help but bawl the whole time it's playing. I only miss my grandmother part of the time, probably because she threw me down stairs, hit me with ashtrays, hit my mom, etc. She did teach us to fight though, it would've been boring for her to fight us if we didn't know what we were doing...

The train has left the station, leaving me in a pile of dust. This cycle of crazy has been going on a very long time. My solution for my life is to choose to not deal with it. I can live without a partner just fine. I have friends. I don't need anyone any closer. Certainly not right now. Although there was a man at the cash and carry today that made me kinda silly... That's the last thing I need, though. 

Being bipolar kinda sucks. My psychiatrist has decided he'd prefer to put me on depakote because I'm still cycling off cliffs. I told him as long as he puts me on only weight neutral stuff, I really don't care. 

I got a fantastic energy drink for free with my groceries the other day. I didn't think starbucks would ever make anything I would like. Weird.

This is getting stupid.

My daughter is most likely bipolar also. What a surprise. I just wonder why none of the men in the family get it. Maybe they do, but they aren't around enough for us to know. I'm done.

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