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Monday, February 22, 2016

I don't wanna be here

I don't want to be a part of this world anymore. I don't feel like I belong here, I feel like I'm just scraps of something that used to be part of the world, but I'm torn apart and the pieces are blowing away into the wind. I used to be part of the world... Now it just goes and goes and goes and I'm here all alone, a little pile of dust. I don't live anymore, I barely exist. I can't help but wonder why it wasn't me that died... I have way more health problems... And far fewer people would miss me. That day the world stood still, or at least we did... The medical examiner's personnel rushed all over in a big flashy blur... But we just stood there, shell shocked... Why am I still here? Why do I have to be? Do I have to be? Could I just let myself slip away? I fantasize about leaving every day... Sure, there are things I'd like to do before I go, but there's no viable way to do them any time in the foreseeable future... And everything is tainted with gut wrenching misery, so I never really enjoy it. "you deserve to be happy"... What is happy, anyway? And how can you be sure I deserve it? You don't know me. You don't know that in my darkest hour I wished unspeakable things... You don't know what came before all that, either. You're supposed to be family, but you really don't know anything about me, or any of us, for that matter... For all you know, I don't even deserve to be on this planet. I don't want to be... It feels like torture. Every day. I can't think of someone who deserves to die more than someone who is suffering and no longer experiences joy... Someone who wants to die. Isn't that what assisted suicide is for? In one country (i forget which one), they are allowing access to assisted suicide for people who are suffering mentally. Why not here? We certainly aren't doing enough to help those who are suffering here... I feel like I accidentally showed up to a meeting for all the big wigs and I'm just a peon going, "do I really have to stay?". Why? At work the other day, a drug rep came in and wanted to give me her whole spiel about some drug I've never even heard of... I just showed up for the free lunch, but this lady insisted on getting me to sign in and then proceeded to talk my ear off about things I don't even understand because I'm just a tech... I don't handle meds... That's how I feel about life. Do I really have to stay? What's the point? All I wanted was lunch...

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