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Friday, September 2, 2016

That day...

Yes. I can VIVIDLY recall spending what felt like an eternity desperately searching your entire body trying to come up with a pulse and not finding one. Yes. It did destroy me. At no point did it affect my ability to parent. At no point did it affect my ability to assess the situation for what it was. Mottled skin, dark blue lips, no palpable pulse, no respiratory activity. But my training has taught me that when someone isn't breathing, a pulse can be slight enough to be difficult to detect, and I knew from taking yours regularly that yours already was. So I started CPR, because that's what I'm trained to do. I knew there was less than a 1% chance it would work (even though you were warm when we got there - the most frustrating part), but I did my best. I gave it my all. According to the paramedics, I broke several ribs, which means I did it right (having done it before so many times, I'm not surprised. I know CPR). I ducked out the minute they arrived because I knew I lacked both the physical and emotional stamina to stay in that room with your lifeless body and continue chest compressions for another hour. I knew I wouldn't be as useful as someone who wasn't your daughter. Could I have compartmentalized and worked through it and done it anyway? Yes. But it would've caused more psychological trauma, and I knew I couldn't revive you. I had already tried for at least 15 minutes and that's about how long it usually takes if it's going to work. So I ducked out when they got there, desperately hoping their ied and medications could restart your heart, never letting them know I'd already tried to revive you. Perhaps that's why the detectives questioned me so long... that was when it came out that I gave you CPR. I am a healthcare provider. I know how this works. I know that if a trained family member is seen doing it, they will be instructed to continue doing so for at least an hour, even when it's abundantly clear that it will not work. And I just couldn't do it. Yes. I have flashbacks still. Yes, these moments haunt me. But I have not let up for a minute on parenting my child. She is and always has been my #1 priority. I've come out of this a stronger person and to say otherwise is incredibly insulting and inaccurate. I have to go to work now.

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