more brain emptying

Yet again, I want coffee. Since it's close to midnight, I figure it's a bad idea. I was thinking about making cookies. For about the last three hours. Somehow, I still haven't mustered up the emotional energy to tackle that job. I can't decide if I'm depressed because I'm understimulated, or understimulated because I'm depressed.

I'm frustrated today. More specifically, I'm frustrated about the fact that I'm all alone. Just like I wanted. See, it gets to this point... where... how can I put this...? I guess I just get overwhelmed. My brain feels full, and most likely, I've been over-extending myself for others a bit (that's an understatement, if you didn't catch it)... and then, I retreat. What I mean by retreat is that I hide in my bed. It's warm there, and there is plenty of space to sort things out. And I need that. Really, I don't know how other people go without it. I'd go nuts (yeah, I know, but more so). So, anyway... I hide. I don't talk to anyone, well, at least I don't reach out to anyone. I still respond, but it's not the same way, I'm preoccupied... I should have outgrown this by now. Or at least learned to minimize it, like all the "functional" people do. What is "functional", really? When I was working, I still showed up and did my job and everything, but I was quieter. Somewhere else. It's hard to explain. It's sort of like mentally taking a mini-vacation. I just check out.

Anyway... this habit tends to shake people off. Often times, I genuinely want to KEEP some of those people, I just want to make sure that when they interact with me, they get ME. ALL of me, not just the glazed-over, preoccupied crap. Everyone has selfish, right? This is mine, I guess. But, I tend to wake up a few months later, and realize that everyone's gone. Now that I have the energy to be there, to be available, to listen, to advise, to truly engage... they're gone. Some people understand, and they know I'll come back, because I always do and I always will. If I'm not planning on coming back, I am not unclear about it.

Still, I miss people, and occasionally feel a little abandoned. Yes, I know that's dumb, because it's my fault. I don't really want to be pulled back... but it does hurt when people don't come back when I do.