Letters to the editor

you missed a whole year. 2015 was the year without you. everything good was tainted. This is 2016, and it'll likely feel the same way. I missed a whole year. I feel robbed. and sad. I miss you so fucking much. I feel cheated, and angry. other people take their mothers for granted and it makes me wanna punch them in their stupid faces. I've gone off on people online over it. I don't get out much, so I don't see it in person... if I did I'm afraid of what might happen. I think I'd lose my shit. I already feel so lost... I lost so much when I lost you... I have a great job, and even though I got injured on it, they're keeping my job open for me. I may need surgery. but you won't be there to cheer me on and it kills me. I'm so scared. of everything... I'm scared for the future, I'm scared of my sister, who I used to be so close to when you were here... she hates me now, without your mediating... we've all drifted apart, we're shattered without you. just lost people getting angry at each other. I guess that's what happens when the center of your family dies. I miss being close and having people around... but my sister is so insistent on being right all the time and I just can't stand it. and she's buzzing her shit into my daughter's dad and step mom's ears, which is making my life and my kid's hell... My brother is just off on his own, like we don't even exist. Your brother is around when he feels like it, but he is supportive. I haven't been able to see grandma because I just can't... I know it's selfish, but she doesn't know who I am anyway... I think my crying when I go there just adds to her depression. and I don't have the power you wanted me to have, so I fail to see a point in seeing her. it's sad, but that's where I'm at. My sister treats me like shit without you here to tell her to stop. I don't know how to deal with her. I'm all alone. I have my daughter, but refuse to let her shoulder my problems the way you did. that's not her job. her job is to have a childhood, and I'm doing the best I can to follow your example. you were so great with her. losing you nearly killed her. she had a severe psychotic episode recently. at the time, she was saying that a lot of it was built up grief, but she doesn't remember saying any of that anymore. she doesn't remember much of what happened... just going to the hospital. nothing feels right without you. everything's just a huge mess and I'm trying to clean it up, but I have no idea how. I don't know what else to say, besides I love you forever and I can't wait to be returned to your arms. there had better damn well be a heaven, because you definitely deserve to be there. I love you so much.