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Wednesday, February 3, 2016

I don't know

I was thinking about things... And the reason I keep attracting friends with benefits style relationships is because that's what I want right now. I want friendship, and I want sex, but I don't want anybody interfering with my life, taking up too much of my time, or interfering with Teresa's childhood (the only thing she needs is to see somebody treat me well), and I have too many issues for anyone to deal with... But I am female, and my hormones make this impossible for me. As soon as this starts, I get attached and want more. So I go without, and I'm horny and lonely, and maybe a slightly less good mom because of it. So there's that.

And then I realized that there is a huge chunk of my life that my therapist knows nothing about... She doesn't know I smoke weed, she doesn't know I thoroughly enjoy the times I spend when prescribed painkillers, she doesn't know that I'm weak when it comes to someone I like...
When she read my timeline, she was surprised. She didn't know that I grew up surrounded by gangsters, in fact, I don't think that's in there either... She was surprised that I'd sold drugs for so long...
What does all this mean, that my therapist, the person you're supposed to be most honest with, who I've been seeing for how many ? years know so little about me? Maybe I'm really guarded, but we've never had a quiet session... I just can't help but thinking lately, damn, I've got a lot of issues... I wish I was man. But then I'd feel terrible for breaking women's hearts. I don't know... I hear some women can do it, but I'm not one of them. I hit on a girl recently and she blew me off... Right away. She said she's been seeing someone, but even if that's not true, she should've blown me off.

My mom knew all of this. She knew everything. The three miscarriages, everything...

I wonder if I'm too screwed up to be a good parent... I mean, I know I'm not a bad one, but I could probably do better. I think I'm raising her more as a friend than as a child. She is the next closest person to me.

I don't know

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