Hey guys...

The next time you meet a girl who you know you don't care about at all, you might want to NOT DATE HER. I know you don't care, but all you're going to give her is a strong sense of worthlessness and total devastation. That's just cruel.

Ugh.

Though you clearly failed to realize it in all the time we spent together, I am not a fleshlight. I am a human being. Again, I'm sure you're far too self involved to have ever noticed that... You certainly didn't treat me like a human being. No, instead you gave me everything i never wanted, and treated me EXACTLY the way i was trying to avoid being treated. It was because of guys like you that i swore off relationships in the first place... Yeah... Thanks for that. Except not. Not at all. Next time you don't like someone, maybe you should just leave her the fuck alone.

L

I don't hate you... Not at all. I'm not upset, or angry, or whatever... I just don't see you that way anymore. Too many dealbreakers... Lol I know that goes both ways. I know that my version of love is selfish, obsessive.. etc.
How are things with you? I'm bored as fuck. Lol

L

I'm not angry anymore. I get it now. You and I mix like fire and dynamite. I have realized that every relationship (or anything resembling one) I've ever been in has been pretty much the same, and the common denominator is me. I've never been attracted to anyone - male or female - who didn't have a history of domestic violence and a suspended license. That's hardly your fault... I actually respect you for keeping me at a distance and not getting very involved with me, because I see now that it really would've been a terrible idea. I'm going to get help now, because I can see where this path of mine goes.

Little do you know...

The meds aren't for me. They're for you. You don't scare me. If I were you, I'd be kissing my ass right about now you dumb son of a bitch. Just remember, you made ALL of this. You chose it. All you had to do was have the spine to be honest...

Things I need to change (things I hate about my life)

1. Living situation
2. Working situation
3. child's schoolwork
4. start counseling
5. Financial habits

Train wreck

I feel sad and incapable today. I feel like I can't really get along with anyone, or be close to anyone... I don't know what's wrong with me. But I do know that I haven't treated you very well. I really do want to... I feel like I don't know how to treat anyone well. I was talking to my mother today and every conversation we had degraded into an argument. I don't understand how that happens. I feel like the world is a cold, mean and very loud place today. I don't know why I keep assuming the worst about you. I know in my heart that you are a good person, and I know that a good person wouldn't do the things my imagination comes up with. You have never given me any reason to doubt you, and my fears are entirely irrational. I do know that... I feel kind of stuck trying to fix it though. I really am trying to learn to give you the benefit of the doubt, at the very least.
I don't know. But I know I miss you.

5 months???

Wow. It's been longer than I thought.

Letting go

I've come to the realization that I'm so afraid of loss that i cause it to happen before i can really become attached to anything i fear losing. I've known about this pattern for a while, i suppose, but at the moment, it's all too clear that when i cling, I'm really pushing... I need to stop pushing you away and let go. I want to, if that matters any... I'm fine until i realize how much I'm starting to like you. Once i realize it, things get scary, and i do things that i know will only create distance.
I don't know if I'm afraid to like you because I'm afraid to lose you, or because i shouldn't like you, which further muddles the waters. You are right. I need to let go, let life, or whatever, take the reigns... I need to let it show me, to let you show me.
Let go.

Life or something like it

I am frustrated. I feel stuck. I don't know how to fix my situation. I need a better paying job so i can support myself and my kid. I need to stop feeling so fucking sick all the time. Progress is always being made, but never fast enough. Not having my cat, while motivating; sucks. Pretty much everything sucks. I need to find a way to make more money BEFORE going back to school. I know i can get it all done, but it's clearly going to be tricky, especially with my health all fucked up.

Whatever.

I'm a little bit angry today. "obsessive" was a little out of line. I don't think I'd ever want to be with anybody who could treat me that way. there's a big difference between giving a fuck and obsessing. Just saying... I'd say it to you, but i don't want to talk to you at the moment...

something to say

i love this place
the sun shines bright
the flood of thoughts melts away;
evaporates
the surf overtakes the sand
washes pain away
vacation = reset

L - i can't stop thinking, so i guess I'll write.

i knew better, but i couldn't resist. i don't regret it, unless i caused you any undue hurt. i know I'm in no position to be any good to anyone... i still need to put back together the pieces that are still shattered from the last time i tried. yes, that last time i was engaged... that was last year.
anyway, i hope you meant it when you said friends, i think you did... i really appreciate that, and want that. you work on your stuff. if i were in any position to help, i would...
meanwhile, I'll be rebuilding myself. lol
i hope you know that I'm not angry at all. i completely understand... in fact, i agree.
oh but if the timing were different...
god, i have one hell of a mess to clean up myself. if you only knew, lol, I'm right there with you in so many ways...
you've been a great friends so far, and you've given me everything I've needed. i thank you for that. i hope your path gets easier. i do miss you, but i sincerely want what's best for you.

L

i don't know the right words right now. at the moment, I'm a little afraid of words.
I'll try anyway, i guess...

i think that i got scared. i got scared because i realized that i was beginning to form an attachment. that all by itself is scary, i have trouble letting people in. but the person that i was starting to become attached to - i buy those Cheetos first thing in the am, with my morning coffee... that means you're in my head when i wake up in the morning - has a lot going on right now... so there was uncertainty. i think that's why i freaked out so bad. that was wildly out of character for me, for the record... normal me would have responded with, "oh ok. wanna hang out tonight instead? i have vodka".
but i wasn't normal that day. i was most likely still a bit drunk from the night before, very tired, probably metabolically out of whack, etc... but there really isn't any justifiable excuse for how i acted, and sorry doesn't fix anything.
if it matters at all, the fact that i was able to scare you away erases all doubt in my mind; now I'm absolutely certain that you're good people, though i was pretty sure to begin with. i have some issues, and tend to question anyone who might be attracted to me. i know that's fucked up, but I've been hurt a lot in the past. i try not to hold on to that, but sometimes it doesn't work.
i hope that my few seconds of craziness won't be enough to keep you out of my life. if there is anything at all that i can do to go back to before that conversation, I'll do it. if not, i really don't want to lose my friend, too.
i don't know what else to say. i miss you.

am i ok?

nope. I'm not ok. i am a complete fucking mess. you did nothing wrong. i was a total disaster long before.
i don't know why I'm so damaged... diseased... but if i knew the cure, I'd have fixed it for you.. fixed me...
i had no idea i was so broken. i would have fixed me a long time ago.
it's amazing the way some people can show you what's inside of you.

idk...

Dark alley gives way to deep abyss
hopelessness pervades
tried to catch the punchline, did i miss?
miss you... hate you, a little bit
what is this? this nothing you give?
alone in the dark, I've lost the ground
captivated and captive
not fair; a marked deck....

i see the path ahead
and wonder why i came
i knew better; made my bed
what did i do, but fall
a little... for what??

this was but a temporary fix
for my permanent problem
not mine; still the clock ticks
time wins again, kicks me further

too bad my heart doesn't see it my way
a marked deck...
cannot win, cannot play
a soulless wreck
is there anything left to give?

L

following down the dark alley
blindfolded
but unable to speak to question
i can feel an expiration date
something about you makes me want to accept it anyway, no questions asked
so i fumble along in darkness

??

all is right with the world until reality rears her ugly head
disbelief overtakes
i shake my head
the role I've created is more than i can stand
stand for
stand against

where I've been
who I've been
when the dust settles
the path is erased
memories flood
retraced

rewritten
histories edited and retold
focused sharply
truths resold

moments of clarity
so fleeting
surreal overtakes reality
the comfort of horror returns

i prefer my reality in small doses...

so. i know i have something to say about some thing or another, but i can't quite find it just yet.

???

work sucks. I'll start there. who can say that work doesn't suck, realistically? nobody cares. which is irritating in and of itself, really...

nobody cares, nobody listens...

life is intent on burying me. figuratively and literally. despair is becoming suffocating.

the absence of all doubt is probably too much to ask for...
can i settle for reasonable suspicion?
the right question is, am i too far gone to dance...
can these wings still fly?

too many questions...

L

i don't know.
i don't know what i want, and i don't know what i have for you. and i don't expect you to know either.

what i do know... is that i like you. and i haven't liked anyone in over a year... at all.
and that, all by itself; is terrifying. on both parts... i know, I'm a mess. I'm ok with that.

so i like someone... and i don't even know what do with that... AND I'm not supposed to like the person i like, he's off limits... so what the hell do i do with that??

i think that's all i have to say.

the confusion is the illusion

things were so quiet...
life was peaceful, if a little bland...
went on my way without a thought to these things...

then came a dove; a little glimmer of hope... it lit the sky like lightening
made the clouds suddenly visible, but cleared, making room for the sun too, where there was none before...

the light highlighted the emptiness that had filled the air before it came...

if i can't keep the light, and i suspect i can't... how do i get the quiet back??

it's too early to know what the fuck I'm doing here...
it's way too early to ask what i am to you...
i do know that, nothing else; but i do know that...

knowing doesn't stop the craziness from not knowing from creeping in...

i can't write right today. what the hell??

i need to remember to focus my scope on what matters to ME. that's the part i have trouble with.

what do I want from YOU... that's the track i need to be driving.

i hope this was therapeutic or something because it's not doing anyone any favors to read, is it?

i think I'm a great big bitch...

and I'm sorry, for what it's worth.
i don't know what to do, but doing nothing always drives me crazy.

either way, i want you to be happy...
i may not know you that well, but i get it, and i feel for you...

and i know I'd rather get to know you than not. i can tell you are someone worth knowing well.

anyway, I've said a mouth full of nothing here. i need to talk to you - face to face.
i think tomorrow I'll just spill my guts and see what happens.

throwing darts at a board...

so. i am currently employed as a CNA in a facility i won't name (or discuss). this job is far better suited to my natural, innate skillset than any other I've ever had, but i can't stand the thought of doing it without an exit plan. i love the work in many ways, and don't love it in others - most importantly, the knowledge that I'll never be paid enough to support my child doing this...

I'm trying to decide where to aim in college. i really don't have any idea at all. the worst part is that this will be my fourth (or maybe fifth?) run at college, and I've changed majors at least twice as many times. i know exactly where i want to be; the bullseye; if you will, but doubt the possibility of the usual path within the board of my life. spending four years getting perfect grades in a science major, as much as I'd love it; just isn't what reality holds in my world.

anyway... I'm trying to decide my alternate path. i think i may have found a route that might make it possible to land where i really want to end up, however slowly and indirectly. i was filling out the application when it occurred to me that this method is akin to an unskilled, untrained, possibly heavily inebriated person throwing darts at a board and hoping to get "lucky". kinda sad, really. oh well.