Hard phone calls

Because they missed your tattoo... I had to call the medical examiner's office again and ask to see the autopsy pictures. They will send me a disc with pictures of you, dead... I asked what would be on the disc, trying to prepare myself... She said scene photos... I burst into tears as soon as she said that... It reminded me of the worst day ever... The day you died. My sister was having flashbacks every time she saw a camera flash for months. I still get them all the time. Every time I look at that spot on the floor where I gave you the unfortunately completely pointless half hour of CPR, I get a flashback... Every time I look at your bed when it's empty, I remember finding you there... Every time I look under it, I see the shoes you left at the neighbor's house the night before, and memories come flooding back... I still replay your last 24 hours, your last week, your last month... All the time. I miss you so much. Your birthday is coming up. I will be spending it in Maui, and I'll probably still cry. I should probably be spending that day with everyone, but I just can't.
We were all going to get together and have a Costco cake for you, I was the center of that circle... But I can't. So I backed out. I'm sorry. I will love you forever and always, Mom.