Bills

I haven't paid the bills yet. I forgot where I put them. Probably I accidentally put them in the sad mail pile. I went through the sad mail pile the other day... I managed to clear out her junk mail. I couldn't get rid of her bank statement that showed all the transactions from the weeks before she died.

It's weird, but my mom was my soul mate. Not in the romantic sense... But I don't feel like I can be attracted to anyone romantically ever again... I don't know how those two things relate... The thought of sex repulses me right now, and has ever since. Of course, I met my needs for that with a man... He and I are no longer seeing each other. I don't feel a sense of loss about that, at least not a measurable one... When I realized we weren't seeing each other anymore, I felt a little relieved that I wouldn't be expected to "perform".

I crave the type of connection that I had with my mother, though... I doubt I'll find it anywhere ever again. We had a very special connection. The kind where you know each other so well, you literally experience telepathy. We could have a whole conversation without even the secret glances most people need. I could read her eyes, and she always knew what I was thinking. I remember a few times I was with her, I thought about something and she commented on it as though I had spoken to her about it. Half of me has died. Half of my memory, half of my laughter, half of my joy, my sadness, my heart... I still can't get through a single day without crying. I feel like I'm dying. I wish I was. I can't wait to find out what happens after we die, and I'd jump at the chance to see her again. We have fleeting moments, in dreams and in little signs... But it's not the same as sitting on the couch together watching the middle and lamenting about how lazy we'd become... I miss her so much. The other day I had a dream about someone (probably my mother) whose husband of 10 years had died, and I could feel that pain so strongly that I couldn't breathe. Just like I feel once a day... I tried to comfort her, but was in no position to do so. My mother's ex husband of around 10 years passed away in 2009. It was a crushing blow to her, and she suffered through her grief and remorse for years. I couldn't understand just how terrible it must've been on her until now. She was like my spouse, in so many ways... We were raising children together. We were inseparable... I go on and on about these facts, but I feel I can't overstate it. I cannot convey just how close we were... We were a kind of close most people will never experience. I'd still rather die than live without her.