Wish you were here

I miss you so much I feel like I'm dying... I'm glad you left us videos so I can see you and hear your voice... I hear you in my dreams, too. I spend most of my time just laying in your bed now. I can't bring myself to do much of anything... I watch Spongebob because it helps me feel like there's still a child in me somewhere. In my dream this morning, you asked me how I'm doing... "Terribly" was my answer. I love that I got to hear your voice this morning, but I always want more of you. I always have... I used to get so jealous when you'd pay more attention to Kimii than me. She wishes she'd come over that night to help keep your party under control. God knows I couldn't do it. I didn't. I blame myself for your death in a lot of ways... Maybe I shouldn't, but I do. I still can't believe you're gone. Your absence has turned all our lives upside down. It's killing all of us.

I love that you still haunt the tv. The narration that isn't possible still helps me fall asleep every night. I have never loved anyone as much as I do you... Maybe my own child... Certainly not the same way. You were my home. You were the only person I never felt like a guest, or a hostess with... Our relationship was so much deeper than that. I don't know how to go on without that. And I don't think I could ever be anywhere near as close to someone else. We were inseparable... Everybody knew that. Even when you were out with friends, or at a doctor's appointment, or anywhere really; you were texting me. I texted you no matter what I was doing. Even at that one party I went to where everyone was playing music, it was you I was texting all night, and you I spoke to about it in the morning. Every time anything happens, it's reflexive to think of talking to you about it. Kimii feels the same way. Nobody knows what to do without you. You're supposed to be here, with us... Just a stupid accident.

I miss our morning coffee chats, our evening bonfires, even just sitting on the couch with you making fun of tv commercials... I still think of you when I see the ones we watched together.

I've never been without you before. But somehow, the world keeps going like nothing has happened.