I haven't seen my therapist in like a month and I've really been needing her... I've been working and sleeping. I sleep a lot. 12 hours per day, most days, thanks to my meds... I switched to a different antipsychotic though, so maybe it won't be as bad. So far, I'm a lot less tired, but a lot more overstimulated. I think that needs a hyphen... Oh well. Fuck I hate commercials.
I don't think I had a point, really... I think I just have something to say, and I don't know what it is yet. We'll see. I'll be as surprised as you are. Everyone is too busy for me. I need the time alone anyway, I guess... I'm so godamn sad. That's all i can think to say. My brain is full of half thoughts today. I feel like it's a jumbled, boring mess.
I'm just sad. The dog is awesome. I'm irritated. And I can't sleep. See, boring, barely complete thoughts.
I will take a sleeping pill and it will carry me away into a drugged, heavy slumber, with strange dreams. I had a sleep walking incident a couple days ago... That was weird. I can't wait to slip into a half coma type state... I love sleep. It's like a mini death. Relief from daily life. My dreams are often entertaining, too. I've been asking other people about their dreams, and telling them about mine... Most people dream of only a few things, I dream about something doesn't every day. Often, it's about daily life with some metaphors and symbols about deeper things... Sometimes they're vivid, other times, I dream in gray with one color. It's usually red or blue.
Dreams are interesting to me... I'd like to learn more about what they mean. Mine are often fairly obvious. Other times not so much. I think the tacos were me not knowing how to live without my mother, considering the fact that I kept asking her how to make them and then she vanished.
Self-medicating with television and weed will only get you so far... Eventually, I have to face reality in all its absolute horror. I know that so many have things worse, and that the world is a fucked up place... It keeps me up at night. That's part of the horror. I can't watch the news. If there was a god, I can't imagine they'd allow the kind of suffering that this planet carries daily... Still, I'd like to think there is something after death. Otherwise, we all went through hell for nothing. My theory has always been that we are currently in hell. Where we go when we're done here, I have no idea... I believe in reincarnation. I believe I've seen a few too many lifetimes. My soul has been exhausted for some time.
Do you believe that music can save your mortal soul? I believe it can while you're on this hell called earth, life, existence... After that, I don't know. But I can't wait to find out. I hope my dreams have shown me a few glimpses, because what I've seen is immeasurable love and light. A utopia. My phone almost never guesses what I'm going to say.
I think this is long enough for a pointless ramble. Maybe the sleeping pill will inspire something more interesting.
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