Toxicity of my brain

I'm having another one of those days where I'm afraid to talk to anybody because I might poison them. I don't feel like I'm in a dark mood or anything, I just feel like maybe I'm trying too hard to be in a good one.

I hate being depressed because there's a lot of selfishness embedded into it. If I could escape it, I would, but the darkness continues to suck me farther down into the black hole and toward oblivion...

I like it better when I can take away the pain of others, not subtly cause it. Mania, on the other hand, hijacks my sense of reason and reality entirely... I feel selfish for being mentally ill, but I logically know that it isn't my fault...

I'm trying to think of where I am when I'm in that healing place where I can relieve the weight from the shoulders of those around me. I have come to the conclusion that it almost always happens as soon as it's needed, regardless of my mental state. Even when I think others are plotting against me, if one of them needs a shoulder, suddenly mine works.

Ok, enough of that crap. I do a good job. Enough already. See? I'm in a mixed state right now, and I'm randomly experiencing every possible symptom from both cycles. I hate this. I try not to let illness define me, but I'm either manic, mixed, or depressed. There is no "normal". What is normal, anyway?

My thoughts were moving a lot faster than my hands were able to move for a while there... I honestly have no recollection of what I just wrote. Oh well.

Moving on, what was my point? Did I have one? Probably not... Is it making sense now? The reason I feel like I shouldn't be communicating with another person right now? It probably wouldn't work. I'm somewhere else. In my own puddle. Puddle of shit? Possibly. It's pretty dirty looking, that's all I know.

So I will spew my verbal vomit forth into the internet, because, well... Why not? Isn't that what humans do best? Spread poison everywhere? All kinds of poison. I wish I could fix the world. I watched the news today... Does it show?? A little bit?? War, famine, poverty, homelessness, starvation, dehydration, deforestation, the ozone holes, murder, rape, genital mutilation, gross crimes against humanity and human dignity, genocide, slavery, other humans dying of preventable illnesses because there's "no money" for prevention, extinction of species, stigma against sick people of all kinds - still... Have I left anything out? Yes. A whole lot. Those were just off the top of my head.

I can't go anymore.