wtf is my problem????

Ok, I've been trying really hard to hide it... but this is killing me... I really believed in you... I was so sure... and thinking that you're really gone this time is so unbelievably painful that it literally knocks the wind out of my chest... i don't know where you are, what you're thinking... you probably hate me... but i have never been more sure about anyone than i was about you... i can't stop thinking about you and i still don't think i want to, but i guess i have to let you go...

former coping mechanism

Going Under lyrics
Songwriters: Hodges, David; Lee, Amy; Moody, Ben;

Now I will tell you what I've done for you
Fifty thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me, going under

Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily, defeated by you
Just when I thought, I reached the bottom

I'm dying again, I'm going under
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever
I've got to break through, I'm going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head

So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again, I'm going under
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever
I've got to break through, I'm

So go on and scream
Scream at me, I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under

I'm dying again, I'm going under
Drowning in you, I'm falling forever
I've got to break through, I'm going under
Going under, I'm going under

I never write the good stuff here....

I've always just used this blog as a dumping ground, and never put down any of the good thoughts that I have here. Really, that's because the good thoughts aren't bothering me! Also, I tend to share those freely with everyone. Anyway, I feel like sharing with you, so here goes.

I feel hopeful lately. I feel that even though the pieces aren't falling where I expected them to, they are laying the tile to create the path for the future. I feel that the mistakes that I am making today are teaching me the lessons that I will need to learn to be fully prepared for the good things (read: better things) that the future holds for me. The people that I am scaring off, or shaking off, are people that would have created more hurt in the long run, because they weren't in it for the real me. I am hopeful.

Lately, I have been seeing the world a little differently. Perhaps this thinking is the same kind of different, but more refined. If I lose my job tomorrow, that will free me up for something that I might be more suited to. If my apartment burns down, well, maybe it was time to be moving on. If something isn't going to work, there isn't any sense in forcing it. Someone was recently advising that I learn to go with the flow more. I told him that he might not know me enough see it, but I am already there. Maybe I need to continue to refine it, but I am already walking that path. Sometimes it's frustrating when someone doesn't see how far your path was, but that's ok. Those who are really in it will stick around and see. Those who don't really aren't worth the trouble, because they never will be.

Come to think of it, this all started with "Learning To Smile", my very first post here. That was the true start of my path. I have made a lot of progress throughout the years, surviving cancer, trying to save the people that I loved, taking care of my mother and my child etc... but around the time of that post, my eyes really opened to the concept of living for myself and taking responsibility for my own actions.

Anyway... rambling haha

I feel hopeful. All the men who leave me, the jobs that fire me, the friends who walk away... they are all laying the groundwork for the things that will pan out.

loss

i can't deal with this. wtf?!? it's been 23 hours, and it's not easier. in fact, i think it's harder.

i don't know how to date

No, really... Whatever I do seems to be the wrong thing. I think I scared you off already. That was quick.

I'm fucking done!!

Life, the days of you kicking my ass are oficially over. You've been warned. Changes will be made.

you

i think that upon meeting every person that i ever dated, my first thought was somewhere along the lines of, "well you're a heartbreak waiting to happen, but i'll try anyway". When I first "met" you, I thought, "OMG I have to know this person." When I think about you, I can hardly wait to know you more, and the more I learn about you, the more I start to think I might really like to love you someday. I have never ever felt that way before. Actually, I feel a lot of things with you that I've never felt before. Ha ha I usually get a sense of impending doom when I think of starting something with someone. I have a really good feeling about you, though.

fuck it?

This entry shall hereby contain the following elements: unintelligible rambling, angry ranting that no one cares about, and odd streams of thought that do not appear to fit together to anyone other than the writer. By reading this, you hereby agree that 1) this entry need not make sense and 2) that if you feel damaged in some way after reading this, it's YOUR OWN FUCKING PROBLEM!!! The writer, therefore, assumes no personal responsibility for your reactions to what appears here, and you should GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

With that out of the way, I didn't have a very good day today, and frankly, everyone I spoke to made it worse. People suck. Vodka, on the other hand, fucking rocks. In the past weeks, my mind has driven itself many years into the future, to attempt to read what it might hold. Unfortunately, all I accomplished was creating even more confusion, and unraveling many decisions that I thought were set in stone for me. A long hard look at the possible sacrifices that I was willing to make for a career I'm not 100% sure I am committed to proved a need for re-evaluation. Initially, the decision was made assuming that there was nothing there to sacrifice, and that it was unlikely that anything could ever be. If this doesn't make sense to you, it's because it isn't supposed to. Anyway, the past few weeks appeared to be showing me otherwise, that maybe there was some kind of hope... At the moment, I doubt that... I'm just too screwed up for you or anyone else...

My mind is running in circles. Hopefully I can slow it down some. "Probably not, I know why... Can't explain me..."

I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

It's really weird. Work is good, and busy enough to pay well... Home is... really messy, but good. School is officially on next quarter, everything is more or less ready... My daughter is great, she always is.

I have nothing to complain about, and thus, nothing to write here. Nice spam, btw. LMFAO. You guys have come up with some pretty good nicknames, too. "Fuckstick" will forever be a part of my vocabulary, courtesy of you, anonymous reader.

Oh, anonymous reader, your insults aplenty and completely incomprehensible. Where would the average blog be without you? Nowhere, that's where. You kick ass. You bring life to an anger-soggy and essentially useless blog. It is you, anonymous reader, who brings fun to my snorefest of a blog. You are the punchline to the cruel joke that is my life.

So thank you anonymous reader, for gracing this waste of webspace with your unintelligible insults, bizarre porn-spam, and of course, the occasional artfully concise point. I like readers.

end rant.

???

I don't really get work politics and crap-talking. Seems like a waste of time and energy to me. Whatever gets you through the day, I guess...

Aaaaaaaaaaaagh

So. Fucking. Frustrated.
Money is a cage. Or at least mine is.
C.R.E.A.M.
I can no longer tell if I pushed everyone away or they chose not to bother.
I don't "fit". Anywhere.
I feel homeless. Still.

And disappointing your kid, constantly because you don't have the money to clothe her, let alone afford all the little luxuries the other kids have... Let me tell ya... Running out of milk and having the daycare saying she isn't fed right... She's eating, isn't she? Not everyone is... Half the time, I'm not.

Fuck, I'm tired of not even being able to drive to the goddamned park. The worst part is that I have a good job. The last job I had paid half as much. I've never had a better one, I don't think I even had vacation before. Too bad I end up using it at her 80,000,000 doctor's appointments. I can't afford to go anywhere anyway... Apparently, I'm still at 30% of the median in my area. Whatever. I don't know about all that. I know "Sorry honey, we don't have gas/money/food" like the sentence was fucking pre-programmed.

Looking for cheaper rent. Subsidies are always gone. Have to take time off to finish applying. Over-time is available, and I can't even work it. Law that's supposed to help children by keeping me home and broke. What good am I to my daughter when I can't support her? I love the idea of spending more time with her, but maybe I could earn a little first, so I can buy her milk? Public assistance is like a puzzle once you're there. I'm constantly rearranging pieces trying to get off of it, every time, something doesn't fit.

I'm sick of feeling like a fucking alien, like I can't relate to anyone. My mind has no home, no roots to share, no cultural attitudes to guide... I got nothing. Sometimes the nasty words my brain takes in swirl around, and I remember them all at once... Most of the time, I think "Who says that? Seriously? Wtf?" but then I remember that it's everyone. That throws me. Because if it's everyone... it's me, isn't it? They can't all be that bad...

Do NOT give this company your information

https://www.amnestyfinancial.com/index.php?

You WILL be charged for services you have never heard of.

I forgot to post this?

I recently heard that there is some sort of attraction in Seattle that was voted the second germiest attraction in the country.

Maybe it's because I am a scientist, or maybe I'm just stubborn, but whenever I hear claims like that I feel the need to dispute the validity of the argument. Who were these alleged voters? What, specifically constitutes an "attraction"? By the previous definition, is it possible that there might be some "attractions" that people didn't think of, because they weren't aware of them or didn't remember them? Wouldn't it be better to actually quantify the germ level of each place? Why do objects like doorknobs and other pieces of objects (like the tail, and other specific parts) end up on these lists? The doorknob isn't the attraction, though I can certainly see that it'd carry more germs than the rest of it.

Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah... Last year, I threw some seeds into a potted plant, and they recently came up. I was pretty happy, since they were seeds from a tropical fruit that I ate from the grocery store last year. It's weird that they over-wintered like that.

Last year, in the spring maybe, I threw them in to see what would happen. Nothing, of course. A few months later, I put a teabag in the soil to give the plant some extra whatever. The seeds that were still under that teabag eventually started to mold, and now they have sprouted. Bad to breathe (ewwwwwww) but still cool science.

I am literally awestruck by the delicacy that is both the resilience and the fragility of life. It bends my mind in a way, trying to comprehend either side of it. The way that life ends so abruptly sometimes, despite all of our efforts to preserve it is both sad and confusing, and yet I see both a sharp contrast and a strong similarity to it's strange propensity to persevere through seemingly impossible odds...

I had a cool dream

And since I'm absolutely sure no one wants to hear about it, I guess I'll post it here.

I can't remember the details, I'm actually not even sure they were ever there at all. Here is what I can remember. I was standing next to a large, horizontal wheel, like on a game show. On each of the pie slices that made up the wheel, there was a possible dream that I could have, and my spin would determine the subject of my dream. It was like a game show, except that I had total control over the wheel's landing point. Each time I spun, it went exactly where I told it to go, and each subject it landed on was, indeed, the dream that followed until I chose to stop the dream and choose another one. This was a lucid dream, and throughout the dream, I kept thinking, "This is kinda cool. I'm having a lucid dream in the form of a weird metaphor about lucid dreaming".

I don't know why I felt the need to share that, I just thought it was kinda cool. I've always been interested in the way the brain works, though.

Wtf? Seriously?

They're gonna kill Violet??
Why do they always kill my favorite characters?

LOL

Although I have not yet given birth to the proper phrasing, I have decided exactly what I would like to talk at you about the next time I'm here.
I will give my personal analysis on people who spew forth raw, unbridled rage at innocent bystanders regularly for reasons not apparent to those around them. Granted the reasons are obviously going to be individual and personal, but there is a definitive common thread, I'm sure. This information with be posted after undergoing rigorous research, development, analysis and testing, most of which will take place inside the dank abyss that is my head.

I've decided not to bother with this one after all.

useless drivel

If anyone is wondering, the poetry or whatever it is was written a very, very long time ago.
That said, I guess I will continue, easing into some sort of bizarre, incoherent and possibly vaguely interesting rant. I don't often have anything to say, really. When I do, I'm hard pressed to find anyone willing to listen. That's where you come in. I suppose I really don't need an audience, and in many ways, I'd prefer to remain without one. However, whatever it is I do here, however rarely I do it, is an outward expression of something. What that something is, well, that's another story for another day.

Either way, since I mainly keep my thoughts to myself, it seems important somehow to indulge the desire to *not* keep my thoughts to myself should it surface. Additionally, perhaps restraining my thoughts isn't a good thing. Certainly, in many situations, it is. I believe diplomacy has a strong value in a society. I'll even go so far as to say that I view it as sacred on some level. Without diplomacy, I really believe there would be even more wars than there already are. This is however, the very likely flawed logic of a hardcore feeler - just don't ever tell anyone I admitted that. I'll deny it. There is no need to correct me, if I wanted intellectual sparring, I could have easily taken this matter elsewhere. No, that thought is just another random one that happened to show up in this episode of the stream of my consciousness, and I was kind enough to share it with you - though I doubt you want it - because without consciousness, what are we?

The high-speed freight train that is my thought process has left it's track and is now MIA. In other words, I digress...
Thus far, this blog has been a place for me to dump darkness. You can expect more in the future, because to me, the only thing an external expression of these thoughts is good for is relief. It gets the thoughts out of my brain, and forces me out of a loop. The psychologist in me is wont to debate various aspects of my personality as a result of this revelation, for several reasons, however, this matter is unimportant; as it is totally irrelevant to the subject (haha, if you're paying attention, you know there isn't one...) at hand.

I'm hungry, so I'm done now. I'll come back when I have something worth saying.

away

too much rational thought
clouds out the conversation
too many times we've fought
wars for nothing
alcohol too thick to see through
your logic I can't follow
but I did it all for you

i lost everything today
stood up for what I believed in
so far away
our twisted minds prevent resolution
the simplest problems
held in restitution
can't win for losing
left it all in dissolution

i gave up today
lost it all
couldn't meet me halfway
you gave up today
nothing was real
you never cared anyway

lost in the desert
I thirst for life
while you drown yourself in alcohol
nothing but a lot of strife
throw it away
walked away in doubt
all alone anyway
my voice has no clout

i gave up today
lost it all
wouldn't meet me halfway
couldn't be
you don't care anyway
shouldn't be

i didn't ask for much
just wanted you
without your crutch

end

i drove your car off the bridge
i'm still here, a lifeless mess
i slit my wrists to bleed out all the pain
still here, i carry no less
verdict's in, i'll hang for this, your way
lucky me, the noose broke
now I can cry another day

i shot myself this morning
so i couldn't feel anymore
a life with no warning
i drowned in the atlantic
swimming with the fish
i froze to death in the antarctic
buried with the penguins, as you wish

i can't fix it, there's nothing to fix
the hole inside you is all your own
all i can do is apologize
and you can reap what you've sown
so i'm sorry, that the car floated
when it should have sunk, under there
and i'm sorry, that they stitched my wrists
im sorry that i didn't kick the chair

im sorry that i used a 22
should have used a 45
sorry i could swim
sorry i am still alive
sorry for the snow melt
now i can cry another day
so angry
i am always in your way

sorry i missed the point
sorry it missed me

I hate my life. I am miserable.
I want nothing more than to change all the things that bother me and though I try to remain hopeful, and usually do, I am powerless to do so. I can't make enough money to support my child, because I don't have the skills necessary to get a job that pays a "family wage". I haven't really even gained any useful knowledge from life. I didn't even attend high school. I almost finished a two year degree at a tech college, I liked college. I want to go back to school, but have NO help with my daughter, and thus I have no one to watch her while I attend classes. I don't even have anyone to pick her up for me if I'm late.

Most of the colleges that I have found do not have on site daycares that serve children over five. My daughter is six. She is currently maxed out in daycare hours just for me to go to work. I love my job, and there is nothing wrong with what I get paid, I got a great starting wage. The only problem is that I already have a family to support. When your career and family life aren't parallel, there are obvious issues. It isn't my boss's fault that I chose to have a child with someone who decided to disappear, offering little or no help at all. That's my fault, I know. I was very young when I chose him, and I actually didn't know that there were people out there who were any different from him, or I might have seen through him. I really thought his behavior was normal.

I don't have very many friends, the few that I do have really don't understand me at all. I don't mean that in a miscommunication sense, either, I mean they don't have the capacity to (in some ways, don't get me wrong, they're great people, but let's just say our gifts differ), and they don't appear to want to. As a result, I often feel like I don't have anyone I can *really* talk to. I'm not very close with my family, my family consists of mainly my mother and my sister. There isn't really anyone else that is close by (or open) enough to try. Visiting out of state costs more than I can spare, and saving up only works if you make enough to pay for what you need, as I understand it. My mother and my sister are at each other's throats each time they are near each other. Any time we are all together, I cannot be heard, because I *physically* cannot speak that loudly. I have my daughter, who I love dearly, and I am very close to, but this isn't her burden to carry.

New people, I often have trouble with, too. People don't like me. They tend to come to me when they're upset, but they don't want to know me, or talk to me, or anything else. I seem to be judged very quickly (before I even get a chance to open my mouth) when I meet people, and generally not positively. Most commonly, people decide that I'm boring or dumb. Other people's opinions are difficult to change, and if someone decides they hate you that quickly, do you really want to spend your time changing their mind? Apparently, I'm not scary, animals and children (especially babies) love me. People, on the other hand... I love people, and I genuinely care about them, but they don't seem to return that sentiment at all. Normal social situations, to me, look like a bunch of people trying really hard to fulfill various social roles. It feels very fake, like they are playing a part in a play. I hate fake. Anyway, since I have no one to watch my child, I'm limited to people who like children. It'd be easier, I'd guess, to try to spend time with someone else who has children, since there'd be a level of understanding not otherwise present. It'd be nice to be understood. I don't mean if people would understand what I say, that part isn't that hard, I can tailor what I say to the listener's needs, if I know who they are. I mean on a much deeper level.

I'm too old to have accomplished almost nothing.

I love you, too, you asshole.

Everyone treats me like utter garbage. Then they wonder why I am often so reclusive. Random strangers single me out to attack (alternatively, they ask me for advice). Angry people are drawn to me, and they bully me. Most people bully me, to some degree. It seems like they aim to pick me apart the moment they lay eyes on me (or ears, or my words in a forum, or whatever other form, to those of you who will take me literally).

I'm not weak, in fact, when I finally get mad in return, I am a force to be reckoned with. I can be a truly horrible person to be around once you've done something to anger me. It takes a whole hell of a lot to get there, though, since my usual response to the things other people do is, "well, I can see where you're coming from... I guess I understand". I get told that I'm boring a lot... That's a bit random, but so is the rest of this post.


I don't have low self esteem... If I did, I'd be bothered by my own company. In fact, I'm quite content with my own company. There's a sort of horror in dealing with the outside world. Paradoxically, I'm drawn to other people, and give them everything they ask. In the past, I have been a terrible judge of character... Or maybe more accurately, I knew I was with horrible people, but was determined to fix them. I convinced myself that it was possible, and stubbornly resisted reality, which very clearly displayed otherwise. I was superhuman, and love could save their mortal souls, if given correctly.



I am fervently drawn to help others. My first job was in food service, not because that's "what you do" (I never got that sort of thing), but because I saw it as an opportunity to help people. I could "fix" the hungry people I came in contact with. I could make their day just a little brighter. I loved that. I love making people smile, I love making people happy. All of the jobs that I have held, ever, have been service oriented, because I am.

Bottom line, I love me. I'm great. However, I'm drawn to make others happy, that is what makes me happy. To some degree. Solving a global issue like world hunger would make me much happier. Global issues are on my mind all the time, and are the majority of the subjects that I will discuss passionately. I am uncomfortable with anything that resembles an argument. I feels discordant. I am screwed up enough that I have, at times, let that desire, maybe the very core of what makes me the amazing person that I am, very nearly destroy me. I guess I kinda tend to do the same thing physically, too...

I have since given up the desire to "fix" individuals, for both logistic and emotional reasons... By logistic, what I really mean is common sense and self preservation. For one thing, I can do far greater things for humanity if I don't let some idiot kill me, not to mention the fact that no one deserves some of the crap I've taken. I'm still willing to help people to some degree, of course, I'm just more careful about who it is now. I think that's all I wanted to say right now.

Forum

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death, grieving

So many people die so prematurely...

learning to smile

Recently, I have decided that it is time I start reading whatever I want into the words spoken by discouraging folks around me.
"No, really, I do know what you meant by that. That doesn't mean I have to care."

I'm so tired of people attempting to talk me out of things, or into things, into thinking I am less than they are, or less than they think I should be for whatever reason...
"You're attempting a bachelor's degree when you couldn't even finish your associates? You want to do WHAT (?!) with the rest of your life? You can't do that... People spend their whole lives preparing to do that. What makes you think you can just wake up one day..." "You won't get in. Why bother trying? You're wasting your time. Quit dreaming and take care of your kid." BLAH BLAH BLAH
"only an idiot could get to be my age without a real, formal education?" Hmmm...that sounds much better as, "Look how far you've gotten with only an unfinished associate degree! Wow. I wonder why I couldn't do that..." Half the time, it probably means something resembling that anyway...

So, recently, my response to criticism has been to take it however I want to. After all, it isn't their life, and they don't really care. They won't be cautiously planning the details of my future. They aren't providing for my life, or anyone in it but themselves. Someone has to...
So, "How could you screw THIS up??" is easily answered by "M-hmm... Yes, I am a quick learner, thanks."

My whole life I have listened to everyone else, and so obediently. The result is not having accomplished the majority of the things I wanted to. Staying within a box that someone else decided was all I could have. Come to think of it, I really don't feel like I have accomplished much at all. Now, there are a few supportive people around me, who upon reading this will say am that I am selling myself short by making this comment. However, deep inside, I know that everything I have accomplished amounts to almost nothing compared to what I CAN accomplish, and that is the point. What I have accomplished thus far, really is relatively normal, meaning that in my circumstances, most people who wanted to undertake the things I have would be successful. I can do better than that.
Most of the people who you'd think would be supportive of me wouldn't agree. So, I go it essentially alone, slowly, I am learning to let the comments of others, outsiders, bounce off of me. I know that since they don't have a clue, their opinions are meaningless.

"I CAN'T do it? But....why?" (sad face)
No more. My choices are owned by me and me alone from this moment forward. Forget your thoughts, advice, etc. I made a mistake? Good. Means I'm learning something. I've always lived with the mentality that all experiences are good because they teach you something. Maybe I was too gray in my definition initially, but the general concept is still with me. My mistakes are my own. They aren't yours, and they aren't your business. Even if I work with you, whatever mistake I make will be solved long before it ever reaches you, so why do you care? How does it really affect you?
See, I've addressed your concern.
"I'm a what..? Oh, yeah, I am pretty smart. Thanks."

Call it denial, whatever floats your boat... See above.